18. Astrid #2
“I know I just blew in here, but I was hoping maybe we could check things,” I tell Thea. “We haven’t had a session in a long time, and I am curious how it will go.”
Initially, I would come to the clinic, and Thea would work on the muscles and tender spots until we progressed to the point where I could do it myself.
Thea taught me everything I needed to do at home to work on the trigger points—the muscle knots in my pelvic muscles that caused pain when pressure was applied to them—and to stretch.
I worked with dilators, progressively larger silicone cylinders, to stretch my vaginal opening.
And then giving myself orgasms after touching and stretching the pelvic muscles, as would happen during sex.
Thea hadn’t done that with me in the clinic, of course, but we’d talked about it, and it had been a good way for me to associate the therapy sessions at home with something fun that felt good.
Still, there is a difference in touching myself and having someone else do it.
“I’m happy to check with you,” she says. “But of course, it’s going to be different with Declan. And no matter how well it goes today in the clinic, you are going to need to talk to him about this before anything happens between the two of you.”
“I know.” I take a breath. “I’ll tell him. Somehow. Eventually.”
“The sooner you do it, the sooner you can have more orgasms.” She grins.
“That is definitely a good incentive,” I agree.
Now that I’ve calmed down a little, I can think back to my couch, and my body heats and tingles.
Declan had his mouth on my clit.
I really want to do that again. Fully conscious.
“Remember, he’ll want to help. This will be important to him too,” she tells me.
Right.
In a typical marriage between two people who love one another and have been together in a real relationship, that would obviously be true.
For Declan and me…
Well, that’s the thing.
I believe he wants to have sex with me. But I don’t know that he’ll want to put in the work this is going to require. He can have sex with so many other women. He does not have to work hard at it.
But this is still going to be a win for me.
I’m either going to get the sexual partner I want and need to take this next step forward in my pelvic health…
Or it’s going to be the thing that finally convinces Declan O’Grady to annul this marriage once and for all.
And I can probably ignore the voice in the back of my head telling me that annulment is actually a loss.
A huge loss.
One I won’t get over.
Which is probably part of the reason why, forty minutes later, after Thea confirms that my trigger points are much improved and my pelvic tightness is drastically reduced, I have actual tears running down my cheeks.
I’m sitting on the edge of the exam table, a sheet over my lap. Thea gives me an empathetic smile.
“I’m so glad you felt safe coming here. And I really am happy for you. I hope that when you think about all of this, you are proud of yourself and really excited about the next step.”
I take a shaky breath as I lean in to hug her. “I am going to work on that.”
She squeezes me, then pulls back and starts for the door. But she pauses before pulling it open.
“Astrid, I want you to think about how good this all is. You’ve come a long way, and you’ve done all this hard work so you can be with Declan.
Now he’s here and clearly wants you too.
Was this first time exactly how you’ve pictured it?
Maybe not. But things do not have to be perfect to be good and right. ”
She pulls the door shut behind her, and I take a shuddering breath.
That is the biggest thing I’ve been working on. The idea that things don’t have to be perfect to be right.
As someone who grew up training and competing in a sport where every tiny misstep or wobble deducted points, and the difference between first place and last could be mere decimal points, that is a tough one for me.
I tell my followers, all of the little girls who read my books, all of the teenagers and young women who watch my live videos, exactly what Thea just said.
That it’s your heart that matters, it’s what you put out into the world that counts, that hard work isn’t always rewarded the way we think it should be, but if we know that we’re trying and doing our best, that’s what we have to keep doing no matter what other people say.
That plans can and do change, and that doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
And I mean that. For them. So why can’t I fully internalize it?
I want to live a simple life here in Rebel with my cat and ducks, having breakfast at the diner, helping my neighbors, spending my weekends at the various wacky town festivals and events, running my hockey team as an example of how professional sports can and should be.
I’m trying to live my life the way I want to and telling myself people are not watching and giving me a score.
But I’m giving myself a score.
And being a wife is a huge thing. That I’m getting a big fat zero at.
I sit back in the chair and close my eyes for a moment, letting myself go back to the couch and what happened with Declan.
It really did feel like a dream. Except it was so much more intense. In that moment, I realized that it was more than usual, better, and more passionate, and I felt so, so good.
My body heats, and I feel my pussy flutter in memory.
My clit tingles and I can easily recall the feeling of his mouth against me.
My God. I had Declan’s mouth on my clit.
The first word that comes to mind is finally.
Not mortification, and certainly not regret.
Just that single word: finally.
Yeah, this is what I have been working on. It’s why I came to Thea in the first place.
I sit and let myself recall the feeling of him against me, his hands on my body, and yes, his lips and tongue.
I am immediately hot and wet, and I definitely want it again.
Yes, I’m very worried about what comes next.
I don’t even know if I can tolerate his fingers inside me…
I take a deep breath and let it out. The dilators I’m using now, without pain, are bigger than his fingers.
The plastic wand with the curved handle and a ball at the end for working on specific tight spots is slimmer, but I can definitely tolerate more pressure from the knob at the end than I could before.
There’s no reason to think that I couldn’t handle and maybe even enjoy Declan’s fingers.
The idea of Declan touching me there actually sends a shiver of heat and excitement through me.
That’s good, I realize.
There’s no tensing or muscle contraction at the thought of him touching me there.
In fact, it feels like my body is heating and relaxing to allow that.
Okay, then. I sit up a little straighter and take a deep breath. Maybe this could work.
Of course, he’ll have to go slow and be gentle. Together, we will have to see if there are sore spots and, if so, work on them…
I’ll have to trust Declan O’Grady with this very intimate secret. And more, with access to my body that very few people have had, especially since my injury and surgeries.
But my mind flickers with images.
Him scooping me up when I was coughing and choking in the diner. Him lifting me up away from the otters that he thought were a threat. The way he poured money, time, and labor into fixing my porch and securing my windows and doors.