23. Declan
DECLAN
I stop beside her bed and take a deep breath. I chuckle softly. “This room smells like mine.”
I let her slide down my body, very much enjoying the contact. Her toes touch the floor nearly on top of mine, and she doesn’t move to step back.
She smiles up at me. “Pretty obvious, isn’t it? I almost bought some of your cologne too.”
I brush her hair back away from her face. “Well, now you don’t have to. You can have me in here anytime you want.”
A shiver goes through her body. “I feel like that’s going to be a lot.”
That causes more than a shiver to go through me. My blood is pumping hard, and I have never been this aroused in my life. “Good,” I tell her simply, roughly.
“Kiss me,” she says softly.
“Gladly.”
I cup her face and lower my mouth. As always, she meets me partway, lifting onto her toes and fisting the front of my shirt.
We don’t even start soft and slow. The kiss is hot and deep from the start. I taste her fully, letting her feel, for the first time, how much I want her.
I know that’s important tonight. Hell, it’s always important, but tonight, when we’re doing this for the first time and when we have these other barriers to get past, I need her to know that I am all in here.
I have never wanted a woman more, and I will do whatever it takes to make this amazing for her.
When she pulls back, she’s breathing hard, her pupils dilated.
She tugs me toward the bed, and we crawl onto it together.
“Let me stay close to the bedside table,” she tells me with a little smile that makes my cock throb.
“Can I see all your toys?” I stretch out beside her, pressing our bodies together from shoulder to ankle, and resting my hand on her stomach. “Or should we not call them toys? Is that wrong?”
She thinks about that for a moment. “I guess not. I mean, they’re not always fun. Except the vibrator,” she adds. That little smile teases her lips again. “That’s something you might find in any woman's bedside table.”
I stroke my hand back and forth across her stomach, loving touching her even this much. “Show me whatever you want me to see.”
She rolls toward the table to open her top drawer. The first thing she pulls out is a long velvet bag. She tugs the drawstring at the top and withdraws a curved plastic wand with a ball at the end.
“We don’t need this tonight, though,” she tells me.
“No?”
“This is to work on deeper trigger points, and when I was at Thea’s, those seem really good right now.”
I stroke over her stomach again. “I’m so glad.”
The idea of this woman in pain grabs my heart and squeezes every time I think about it. I have to focus on the fact that she’s telling me she’s good and that things are better. And I am going to, by God, make them even better.
She returns the wand to the drawer and takes out a small pink vibrator.
“This one is obvious.” She pauses, then says, “But I like your mouth better.”
I growl softly and lean in, kissing her neck. She takes a deep, shaky breath, her body wiggling closer to mine.
She lays the vibrator on the bed next to her, then reaches for something else. It’s another velvet bag.
She opens it and withdraws a thin plastic cylinder. I saw pictures of these online.
“These are the dilators,” she tells me. “I…insert them.” She wrinkles her nose as she says the word ‘insert’.
I looked down at her. “Why is that hard to say?”
She blushes adorably and giggles. “I don’t know.”
I run my hand over her stomach again, this time rubbing my leg along hers. “I don’t know why either. Do you like a different word better?”
She shakes her head, her hair sliding across the pillow. “Not necessarily.”
“You think about that. If you want a different word than insert, when it comes to what we’re going to be doing, let me know.”
She laughs.
I smile and lean close, kissing her before saying against her mouth, “There are a few to choose from. There’s stick, push, slip, slide, thrust.”
Breathing a little faster again, she says, “Slide and thrust are good.”
“Thrust could be painful, right?”
“It won’t be with you.”
Fuck, she’s going to kill me. I will do absolutely everything I can to make it good and pain-free, but what if I hurt her? What if I do something wrong? What if, when it comes time, I do thrust, and it’s painful?
“Because I’m going to be really, really ready,” she tells me, rubbing her gorgeous body against mine. “And we’ll do some sliding first, with your tongue, and your fingers, and I’ll be really ready…” She swallows. “For the thrusting.”
I groan and this time tell her out loud, “I think you’re going to kill me.” I pull her mouth to mine, kissing her deeply.
“I don’t want that,” she says. “I really want you to thrust into me, Declan.”
Jesus. I slide my hand to her hip and squeeze. “You’re amazing,” I tell her, my voice rough. “That you are even talking about this with me already.”
“Declan, I have been thinking about this, and wanting it, for almost two years.”
That makes my heart squeeze hard in my chest, and I nod my understanding. “This is going to be so good. We’re going to be so good. But,” I say, making sure she’s meeting my gaze.
“But?”
“There is so much we can do, so many ways we can make each other feel good without thrusting.”
She smiles but I make sure she can see how serious I am.
“Pleasure is the goal,” I tell her. “Every time. Understand? We only do what feels good. It does not have to include penetration.”
She presses her lips together.
“Talk to me,” I encourage.
“I just…that feels like a failure,” she admits.
“I know what you’re saying, and you’re right.
There are a lot of ways to have fun. But full penetrative sex is what I’ve been working on, what I’m hoping for, and honestly, I know it might not happen right away but if it doesn’t, it will feel like I haven’t fully accomplished my goals. ”
I swallow hard. Then nod. “I hear you. I understand. This is a big deal.”
“It is,” she agrees. “I want to be able to do everything with you. If I can’t, I will be disappointed.”
I want to argue. I want to assure her that it doesn’t matter to me. But how I feel isn’t the important thing here. She has to feel good about this too, and it’s her body, her rehab.
“Got it,” I tell her. “I understand.”
She gives me a sweet smile. “Thank you.” Then she wets her lips and pulls a dilator out of the bag. It’s long and thick. She holds it up. “This is the one I’m using now with no pain.”
I look from it to her and notice the sexy little smile she’s suddenly giving me.
“Astrid, are you wondering how I measure up next to that?”
She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. Then nods.
Yes, we can definitely have a lot of fun no matter if we get to the thrusting or not. “Do you want to see yourself, Firework?”
Her eyes light up in excitement. Chuckling despite my very painful erection, I push myself off the bed and stand beside the mattress next to her.
I unbutton my pants, dropping them, giving her a chance to slowly get used to what’s happening.
I love and hate the idea that it’s been so long for her.
I love that she hasn’t been with anyone else, of course. But the idea that she’s been in pain, without pleasure, also pisses me off.
I toe off my shoes, strip off my socks, and kick my pants away. I unbutton my shirt, letting her study the obviously tented front of my boxer briefs.
She does so unabashedly. Her gaze runs slowly over my body as I open my shirt and shrug it off, tossing it to the floor as well.
“How about you get rid of some clothes too?” I ask, trying to keep my tone light and playful when really, I’m dying to see her body.
I can’t rush her here, and I don’t want to do anything to make this uncomfortable or awkward, but I am holding onto my control with both hands.
She sits up on the bed and immediately starts unbuttoning the shirt she’s wearing.
My shirt.
It kicks me in the gut again, thinking about her wearing this shirt every single night because it helped her fantasize about me.
That is the hottest thing I have ever heard.
I want to worship her from head to toe. I want to give her every single ounce of pleasure we can bring out of her sweet body. I want to prove to her that her body is capable of intense pleasure and bliss that we can find together in a huge variety of ways.
And it is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done to take it slow and easy. But I will do anything and everything she needs me to do to make this happen.
As expected, she’s wearing nothing under the shirt except for a tiny pair of panties.
My first look at my wife’s breasts takes my breath away.
She is gorgeous. Perfectly rounded breasts, gorgeous, pink nipples that are hard and begging to be touched.
In fact, as she tosses the shirt to the bottom of the bed, her hands cup her breasts, almost as if by instinct. Her thumbs run over her nipples, and she makes a soft sound, but her eyes are on me.
“Underwear off,” I say.
She lies back, thumbs hooking into the top of the tiny silk scrap she’s wearing. She starts to tug them down, and I push mine off at the same time.
My cock has never been this hard, and I take it in hand, giving it a hard stroke to ease some of the ache.
Her panties join the rest of our clothes on the floor, and I rake my gaze over her.
“Jesus Christ, you’re gorgeous, Astrid,” I rasp.
She runs her hands from her breasts down her torso, her legs shifting restlessly on the duvet. “You too,” she says.
I stroke my cock again. “How do we feel about the size of things?”
I would laugh at how that sounds in any other situation, but at the moment, I am trying to resist jerking off and coming all over her gorgeous body.
“I think it might be a little tight fit,” she says, her gaze fixed on my cock. “But,” she adds, “I think it will be a very nice stretch.”
I have to squeeze my cock again as my breath lodges in my chest.
Holy crap, she’s incredible.
“You said that you give yourself an orgasm before you use the dilators, right?” I ask, my voice tight.
“Right.” Now one hand drifts back to a breast to toy with her nipple.