Chapter 30
Elise
The touring offer is six cities in eight weeks.
Boston. New York. Philadelphia. Washington. Cleveland. Back to Chicago.
Ten years ago, I would have said yes before the conductor finished the sentence.
Today, my first thought is still Bennett.
I hate that.
Then I forgive myself for it.
A marriage is supposed to matter when you make choices. The goal is not to pretend he does not exist. The goal is to stop making myself disappear before he even speaks.
I tell him at counseling.
"That's the news," I say.
Bennett's face lights.
"Elise, that's—"
He stops.
Dr. Price looks amused.
"You may complete a positive sentence, Bennett."
"That's incredible."
I smile.
"It starts in March."
"You should do it."
Immediate.
No pause.
Something in me tightens anyway.
"You don't have to say that because you think it's the correct answer."
"I'm not."
"Eight weeks is a long time."
"Yes."
"We would barely see each other."
"Yes."
I stare at him.
"And you still think I should go?"
His eyes hold mine.
"I think you should decide whether the work is right for you. If it is, then we figure out what it means for us. I don't want 'us' to be the reason you make yourself smaller again."
I look down because tears come too fast.
Dr. Price waits.
"What are you feeling?" he asks.
"Angry."
Bennett blinks.
"Why?"
"Because that's what I needed him to say years ago."
Bennett's face breaks open.
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
This time, I do not weaponize the words.
I reach for his hand.
He looks at mine like it is something wild that might flee.
Then he takes it.
We sit that way for the rest of the session.
At home—Tessa's home, I correct myself—I accept the tour.
Then I call Bennett.
"I said yes."
His breath leaves in a rush.
"I'm proud of you."
"Don't make me regret it."
"I won't."
I go quiet.
He corrects himself.
"I will try not to. And if I do something that makes you regret it, tell me before you make it okay for me."
I laugh.
"Better."
"I'm learning."
"Slowly."
"Painfully."
We stay on the phone for forty minutes.
Neither of us calls it a date.