Chapter 14
Once I finished with supper, I retired to the bedroom.
Neither of us said much more. Both of us had things that needed to be said.
My body was sore and tired, but the nap earlier in the day did wonders.
As I laid in bed, my mind drifted to the baby.
Each night when I laid down, that was when he was most active—kicking, punching, and rolling all around.
I started crying silently. I refused to let it turn into sobs.
The following morning, food dragged me from my sleep. I wasn’t hungry, though. Instead of getting up, I remained lying in the bed staring at the wall. Sadness pressed down on me. I didn’t think I even had tears left. I didn't know what to do or what I even could do.
Two knocks on the door. I didn’t respond. I wanted to, but nothing came out. Two more knocks.
“Zalayuh?” Quinnlyn called out.
After another minute, the door opened slightly, before he pushed it all the way open and walked in.
“Biscuits and gravy are done,” he said.
“I’m not hungry,” I whispered.
“Hmm… You are, you’re going through something. I won’t force you to eat, but my Titi won’t be happy if I don’t keep you healthy,” he said.
He turned and walked out. My mind wandered all around.
I thought about Aspen and Paxton. I worried about how Aspen was doing without me.
How well she was eating, and what she was eating.
Paxton never had patience for her, frequently yelling at her for the smallest things.
My mother was probably even deeper in alcohol. I wondered how my friends were doing.
I wasn’t sure how long I laid there before I mustered up enough energy to go to the bathroom and take care of myself. Instead of going back into the bedroom, I walked back into the main room. Quinnlyn was sitting in one of the chairs, reading a book.
“May I go outside?” I asked.
“If that’s what you would like,” he said.
I walked out the door without saying anything more.
The sun was shining brightly. I headed toward where I had seen water yesterday.
Birds chirped. Leaves blew around. I followed the sound of the moving water.
I stepped my way around the muddier ground.
It didn't take me long before I found water—a river.
It was wide and muddy. There was a good shoreline of rocks that was perfect to sit on.
Back home, there were so many cricks and rivers nearby.
All the teenagers around knew which spots had good banks and which ones didn't.
I walked down close to the water and then sat down.
I spent a lot of days in the water during the summer.
Water had always been where I found peace and healing.
After my father left, I spent whole afternoons crying on the bank, wondering if I could have done something differently.
Acted better. It took a long time to realize he didn’t leave us, but he left her. She’d given him every reason to go.
Fish flopped around below the surface, leaving small ripples throughout the river.
A bald eagle swooped down, snagging one of the fish before swooping back high into the air.
I watched him bank downstream and land in a tree.
It was a ways away, but maybe there was a nest. I stood and started walking along the riverbank, toward where the eagle flew.
Standing on the bank ahead of me was a doe drinking water.
My foot crunched on a rock, her head shot up, and she stared at me.
I wondered if it was the same doe as the day before.
I studied her, taking in her markings. She looked like most other deer, but she had this little black spot under her eye.
I continued walking toward her. She looked behind her and then back at me.
Another step, and she turned and bolted.
A scream from above pulled my attention up.
I looked up, and two eagles sat in a nest high up in the tree.
I sat down to watch them. One of them ripped pieces of the fish off and fed them to the other.
Something about it made my chest ache in a good way.
The first genuine smile in longer than I could remember.
Someone was standing behind me, and my shoulders tensed. I turned my head slowly, eyes traveling up before I recognized him. Quinnlyn. Oh, thank you, Lord. I turned back toward the eagles high in their nest, still picking apart their fish without a care for what was below.
“Lunch is ready,” Quinnlyn said, breaking the silence.
“No thanks,” I said.
“I can bring it here, and you can eat it on your own terms,” he said.
“No.”
“No?” he repeated.
“Can you leave me alone?”
“Thought we got somewhere last night,” he muttered.
“It doesn’t change what you’ve done to me,” I said, looking up to stare him in the eyes.
“I did what I had to,” he said.
“You didn’t have to, you could’ve let me go earlier,” I said.
“Then I would’ve had a mark on my head,” he said.
“But you don’t now?” I asked.
“Well, I don’t know. I might. Hopefully, he believes you’re dead and that I was too distraught from taking a life to stick around,” he said.
“Sucks for you.”
“Yet, I’m still stuck here taking care of you,” he muttered.
“Then leave!” I shouted.
“And what? Let you starve out here? Let you waste away in sadness? Make an enemy of my Titi?”
“I can take care of myself. Hell, I’ve been taking care of myself and raising my sister for years!” I seethed.
“I know,” he said, sighing. He turned and walked away.
I sat there quietly on the river. Next summer, I should have had an infant to take to the river and swim with.
Introduce him to the outdoors, something I loved.
Something Aspen loved. When my mother was in one of her moods, after a night of heavier drinking, Aspen and I’d walk to the crick or the park.
I wanted Aspen to have something better than I had.
Noises caught my attention. Tires crunching over gravel? Definitely a vehicle coming. I was here alone. What if they found us? I turned and ran back through the woods toward the cabin. I moved faster through the trees than I probably should have.
As I made it out of the trees into the yard, an older blue pickup was in the drive. Lina stood next to Quinnlyn at the door. Both of them were staring at me. I stopped and was catching my breath. I was safe. We weren’t found. I told myself that until it finally sank in.
“Girl, you’re supposed to be resting!” Lina called out to me.
I walked slowly to her.
“I feel much better today, really. Nothing really hurts,” I told her. It was mostly true. My body did feel better, with minimal pain, similar to my period cramps.
“It’s not just about your body, it’s about mending your soul,” Lina said.
“He won’t let me do anything anyway…” I said.
“At least he listens to me,” she said.
“I thought you wouldn’t be here for another week,” I told her.
“Ah, yes… I was, but I wanted to bring you this,” she said, then reached into her pocket. She pulled out a necklace that had a small circular pendant on it.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“This holds the only ashes to your baby boy. There was only a very small amount.” She stepped closer to me and handed it to me.
My hands grasped the small pendant on the gold chain. The dam I’d been building broke. I fell to the ground onto my knees. Sobs escaped from me as I held it tightly to my chest.
“Izayuh,” I sobbed out.
A hand gently landed on my shoulder, bringing me back to the moment.
“Let it out, sweet chile,” she whispered to me.
More sobs came out. It was the permission I needed to mourn him fully.
Izayuh.
“Izayuh is a beautiful name,” she said gently.
“Thanks,” I gasped out, trying to catch my breath in between the cries.
I stayed on my knees until the worst of it passed, then stood. I brushed my knees off.
“Thank you for saving me and thank you for this,” I told her.
“No need for that, sweetheart,” she said.
I walked inside and went back to the bedroom. I heard Lina and Quinnlyn outside talking through the thin walls.
“I can’t make her eat,” he said.
“She needs food to heal and compassion,” she said.
“I’m trying here. I risked everything to save her. I don’t know what else I can do,” he said.
“Dr. Arthur wants her to go to his clinic in a few days for a check-up,” she said.
“He won’t come here?” he asked.
“No, he tries his best not to do house calls. If he ever gets caught helping us… Well, we’ll both be in trouble,” she said.
“Where do I go?” he said.
“He’s in town, right on the square. Small clinic,” she said.
“Is there a certain time?” he asked.
“No, just bring her there. He’ll see her,” she said.
“Anything else?” he said.
“There's plenty that needs done around here if you're gonna sass me,” she said.
“No thanks,” he said.
“I gotta get out of here. Call me if she doesn't start eating or if it gets worse,” she said.
Moments later, an engine turned over, and tires went down the gravel. The front door opened and closed. Quinnlyn walked down the hall toward the room and knocked on the door.
“Yeah?” I asked.
He knew I was awake, and even if he didn’t, he would open the door to check on me anyway. He opened the door and stood in the doorway staring at me.
“Would you like to go into town? Get you some books? Maybe even a TV?” he asked.
“I guess it beats staying here,” I said.
“Whenever you’re ready,” he said.
I got off the bed, slipped my shoes back on, and walked out of the room.
I held the pendant tightly in my hands, afraid to lose him again.
We drove down the dirt road, the way we came in.
We passed a little sign, St. James Parish, announcing the county we were in.
The towns were small. Barely anything to them.
We eventually made our way onto Interstate 10 and headed north.
Neither of us spoke, the radio filling the silence between us.
I wasn’t sure what to say. My heart was so broken that I felt like my speech had left, too.
It took almost an hour before we arrived in Baton Rouge, where he pulled into a Walmart Supercenter.
I tucked the little piece of Izayuh in my pocket.
He was with me even if he wasn’t with me.
I followed him around the store. I was afraid to say or do the wrong thing. I’d been such a free spirit before I was held captive. That part of me surfaced occasionally, but mostly I felt like I had no fight left.
“Do you need more pads?” he asked.
My head snapped toward him, then I dropped my eyes to the floor.
“Um… um… yeah, I guess so.”
My cheeks were burning.
“No need to be embarrassed. My mom was a midwife before we moved. I was taught young that was part of life, and women were the reason any man existed,” he said.
By the time we got to checkout, our cart was overflowing.
He’d gotten us a TV, a DVD player, DVDs, a small stand, books, a pack of cards, food, and a handful of random things.
The TV and stand didn’t fit in the cart, so the employees took them to the front for us.
Once we checked out, he loaded everything into the back of the truck.
“Would you like some Popeyes?” he asked, once we were both back into the truck.
“I guess so.”
“Is there something else that you would like?”
“No, that’s fine.”
We went inside and ordered nearly the same thing.
We sat down, quietly eating our food. There were a few others eating inside.
There was one lady who kept looking at both of us.
She would whisper to the man she was with before looking back at us again.
I kept trying to ignore it, but I kept seeing her staring out of the corner of my eye.
Did they know him? Recognize us? Was there a missing person report on me?
“That lady keeps staring and whispering,” I whispered.
“Yes, just ignore it,” he said.
“What if she knows who I am?”
“What?”
“What if my mother filed a missing person’s report and she recog—”
“Stop. She’s staring because you're white and I’m not…”
“But we’re not together,” I said.
“She assumes we are,” he said.
“How do you know?”
He tapped the side of his ear. “I can hear really well,” he whispered.
“That’s really rude.”
“I’m used to it,” he said.
“I’m sorry,” I told him.
“Stop apologizing for other people,” he grumbled.
“I’m sorry,” I said, keeping my eyes fixed on my plate.
We both finished quickly. We headed back out to the cabin. It had long turned dark, so I couldn’t look at everything to keep my mind busy. Once we got back, he unloaded the truck—refusing to let me help. Once in the room, I took the necklace from my pocket and pressed it to my chest.