My Little Doe

Epilogue

My eyes fluttered open, and my bladder was screaming for me to relieve it. I walked with eyes barely open to the toilet. As soon as I stood, a wave of nausea ran over me. I nearly puked. My stomach didn’t feel right. Maybe the chicken we ate last night wasn’t right. My eyes were still so heavy.

The clock read six forty-nine. I crawled back into bed. Quinn wrapped his arms around me. I held onto his hand, rubbing my finger on his wedding band. We got married in October, when the leaves were starting to change.

It was a beautiful wedding, the one every little girl dreams of having.

Except that my parents or brother wasn’t there, but Aspen was the flower girl.

I’d sent invitations to several family members, but most of them sent a card and an apology for not being able to make the drive.

I understood we were quite a ways from Tennessee.

Quinn’s family made up for everything. We didn’t do any parent dancing, since he too didn’t have parents.

Instead, we did our couples dances and then opened the floor for everyone else.

Quinn nuzzled his head into my neck. I heard him take in a deep breath, then hold it and immediately take in another.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“You’re pregnant,” he whispered.

“What?” I shot out. I tried to sit up, but he gripped me tighter, nuzzling into my neck.

“You’re with baby,” he said.

I wanted to say something, but nothing came out of my mouth.

“Are you okay, Zay?” he asked.

“I… uh… are you sure?” I asked.

“Yes, quite sure. I can smell it, plus if I focus, I can hear its little heartbeat thumping,” he said.

“Heartbeat?”

“Yeah…. Which means you’re close to six weeks or so?”

“I had a period the night of the full moon,” I said.

“I just know what I know, babe,” he said.

“Do you know what today is?” I shot out.

“Yes, it’s Izayuh’s birthday,” he said.

“Yeah…” I muttered.

“What an amazing gift he has given us,” he said.

Silence filled the air for a long while.

“I think I’m gonna call Lina,” I finally said.

I’d been assisting Lina with births for the last several months.

It was such an exhilarating feeling watching a mother give birth.

The first couple of births, while I was elated during the birth, I went home and grieved the birth I didn’t get to have or the baby I didn’t get to bring home.

After I’d done six or so, they no longer made me sad.

I often came home high from an adrenaline rush.

I’d been learning so much from Lina and Callie.

I crawled out of bed and walked over to the dresser, where one of our phones had been installed. I dialed Lina’s number. Thankfully, she was an early riser.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Titi,” I said.

“Zay, are you—is everything okay?” she asked.

“Well… I don’t know… I feel a little ill this morning, and Quinn says I’m pregnant. He can hear the baby,” I said rapidly.

“Oh, okay. Is that a bad thing? Isn’t that what you all wanted?”

“Yes… No… Yes… Well, today is Izayuh’s birthday, but I also had a period a week and a half ago… or I thought I did,” I rambled.

“Was it a normal one?”

“Well, now that I’m thinking about it, I guess not. It was super light,” I said.

“Sometimes women have bleeding, for various reasons, but if he’s hearing a heartbeat, then that’s a good thing,” she said.

“Yeah… that would make me close to six weeks, huh?” I asked.

“Five to six weeks, yeah,” she said.

“Okay… I’ll talk to you later,” I said. My mind was spinning. Shock.

“We will go see Dr. Arthur on Monday, okay?” she said.

“Yeah… we… uh can do that. Love ya,” I said.

“Congratulations, Zay. I love ya, baby girl,” she said.

The phone line clicked.

The wave of nausea coursed through me again. I crawled back into bed with Quinn, this time facing him.

“We’re pregnant,” I said.

“That we are, my little doe,” he said.

I thought of Izayuh. I always thought of Izayuh. But this time it didn't only hurt. It felt like something healing. Like maybe this was his gift to us, this little life starting on his birthday of all days.

We wanted this. I’d stopped taking my birth control right before the wedding. Excitement settled in. I smiled at Quinn.

August 13, 1997

I was eleven days past my expected due date. This pregnancy had been night and day different than with Izayuh’s. I was healthy. There were no complications. My blood pressure had remained beautiful. Quinn and I had no clue what we would be having—our choice.

The night before, my stomach had been upset, and I’d spent some time on the toilet. I knew that labor was probably coming soon. I’d worked with Lina assisting her until a month ago, when I started to move too slow and couldn’t quite keep up with her and Callie.

Both of them were taking exceptional care of me. Dr. Arthur saw me several times as well to collaborate on care, given my history of having a preterm baby and hemorrhaging.

I started having contractions as soon as my head hit the pillow last night, but they were mild.

I knew that I needed sleep the most. It was something we always told the moms we cared for.

I told myself that if it were the real thing, I’d wake up; otherwise, I’d sleep.

I stirred throughout the evening, waking up to contractions, but falling back to sleep.

Around six, a strong contraction brought my eyes open instantly, my hands moving to clutch my stomach.

I moved out of the bed and stood beside it.

I swayed from right to left, hand holding onto the bed.

The next contraction came, starting from the bottom and moving all the way to the top.

It took every bit of my focus and breath.

I stayed there next to the bed, swaying.

Quinn rolled over, his eyes opening and looking at me. He quickly sat up.

“How far apart?” he asked.

“Not sure, kind of close,” I whispered.

He moved out of the bed and came to stand next to me. The next contraction hit. Moans escaped me as I swayed side to side. He gripped my hips, applying counterpressure, swaying with me. The counterpressure was exactly what I needed.

Then another hit. Each one was getting worse and worse. This was it. Our baby would be joining us.

“Three minutes,” Quinn said.

As soon as the contraction was over, he let go of my hips and walked to the phone. I knew he needed to call Lina and Callie, but God, I wanted his hands back against my hips. Even in between my contractions, my hips were aching.

I moved to the floor on my hands and knees, where I started rocking. I breathed through the contractions. Reminding myself they weren’t bigger than me, because they were me.

“You should probably get here… like now,” Quinn said.

“Every three minutes.”

“I think it actually started last night.”

I heard Lina say, “What?” through the phone. I knew I probably should have given her a heads-up, but given this was my first full-term birth, I expected it to be long, and I wasn’t convinced the contractions last night were anything important.

A contraction hit again, and I groaned and tried to remember to breathe. Quinn quickly hung up the phone and ran to my side. He got onto his knees behind me and started squeezing my hips until the contractions faded away.

“Pretty sure that’s how we got here,” I muttered, then a small chuckle escaped.

He let out a deep laugh. “Exactly how we got here.”

Then another rolled through me. God. They were coming so quickly. It hadn’t felt like I had much of a break between them.

“I need… the water,” I gasped out.

He moved in front of me and helped me stand.

As soon as I stood, another contraction hit.

Damn it. I knew that would happen. In all the births I’d assisted, every position change near the end of labor triggered another contraction.

My arms wrapped around Quinn’s neck, his arms between us, lifting my belly. It felt Godsend.

As soon as it ended, we started walking to our bathroom.

We didn’t have a bathtub, but we did have a large walk-in shower, similar to our other house.

By the time we reached the bathroom, I felt like going to the bathroom again.

As soon as I sat on the toilet, a strong contraction hit.

I screamed out in pain. It felt like my bones were splitting within me.

Once the wave faded, I was able to use the bathroom, and then stood up—and another strong one hit me. Quinn was there, holding me.

“You got this, baby. Deep breath in and out,” he whispered in my ear.

“I don’t think I got this… I don’t want to do this anymore,” I cried.

“You’re doing it already,” he whispered.

“I don’t want to,” I yelled.

“Zay, you know what this means. Irrational thoughts mean baby is coming soon, right?” he said.

“Transition,” I muttered.

“That’s right, let's step into the shower,” he said.

He guided me into the shower, which he turned on while I was using the bathroom.

He pulled my shirt off and pushed my shorts to the floor.

I stepped out of them, just in time for another contraction.

My arms wrapped around his neck, my body going nearly limp.

I could feel the baby moving down with that contraction.

“When is Lina gonna be here?” I asked.

“Any minute, I hope,” he muttered.

My legs felt so heavy and exhausted. I moved back to my hands and knees, the shower hitting my lower back. It was hot and felt so perfect. It didn’t take away the pain completely, but it helped immensely.

I stayed there for several more contractions. Quinn took his shirt off and was only in a pair of shorts. He knelt next to me, holding my hips. Each contraction, he would squeeze them. He did it without me asking; I didn’t need to tell him anything. He instinctively knew what I needed and when.

Our bathroom door gently pushed open. Lina and Callie entered the room with the duffel bags of supplies.

“How close are they, Quinn?” she asked.

“Maybe two minutes apart, if not closer, she's grunted the last couple of contractions,” he said.

Had I? I hadn’t noticed. I was focusing on making it through each contraction. Breathing in and out, making sure to give the baby oxygen. I knew I was close; I could feel the baby descending.

“I’m gonna step in and take a listen, is that okay, Zay?” Lina asked.

“Yeah… I think—”

Another contraction hit. It took my breath away, and the baby moved a lot further down. The urge to push became overwhelming. I felt it before and was breathing through it, but it was almost too much to ignore.

“Take a breath in, Zay,” Callie’s voice said, reminding me that I needed to breathe for this baby.

I sucked in a deep breath.

“Baby is coming… it’s right there… God, it fucking hurts… Make it stop,” I screamed out.

Quinn moved around and was in front of me, and Callie took his spot. He cupped my face, our eyes meeting each other.

“You’re okay. We are here with you. You are so close, you’re in control. You can do big things,” he said.

The reminder I needed that I could do this. I was close, and this baby would be in my arms very soon.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Lina had put the Doppler on my stomach to listen to the baby.

“Baby sounds perfect, Zay. Also sounds like this baby is minutes from being born,” she said.

“I know!” I yelled out as another contraction hit. My body took over, and I felt the baby’s head coming out. Everything burned. Then I remembered that if it was burning, I needed to stop pushing. I needed to breathe this baby out. I closed my eyes. I went deep within. I thought of Izayuh.

I inhaled and focused on that breath and let it out.

“I see their head, and there is a lot of hair,” Callie said.

“Do you wanna feel, Zay?” Lina said.

I wanted to answer, and I wanted to feel, but my brain had gone somewhere else in that moment. I focused on the breathing. Another contraction, and I forced myself to breathe.

“You’re doing so amazing, Zay. Keep breathing, baby girl,” Quinn said.

I needed that. I needed his voice and reassurance.

I exhaled, and just then the head emerged.

I pushed myself up onto only my knees. I reached between my knees.

Quinn moved closer, his hands with my hands.

We would catch our baby together. All I could see was solid black curly hair.

I felt their shoulders start to turn. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing instead.

It felt startling at first, but I knew it would be okay, and we were so close.

Another contraction came, and my body pushed.

In one swift movement, their shoulders slid out, and then the rest of them.

My hands wrapped around their body, Quinn’s hands wrapped around mine, and the baby.

I sat back on my calves, holding my baby tightly in my arms. Lina reached around and gently wiped their mouth and rubbed their back.

Little cries erupted. Tears streamed down my cheeks.

I finally opened my eyes again. Quinn was also crying.

His hands never left mine or our baby’s.

They were here. They were safe. They were crying.

God, that sound was the most perfect sound I’d ever heard.

I looked down at our baby, whom I’d pressed against my chest. Thick, curly black hair—more hair than Quinn himself had.

My bleeding had been perfect, something we were all watching closely, given my history.

Lina and Callie had stepped out of the shower and were letting the three of us take in the moment.

Quinn had a towel pressed against the baby, keeping them warm.

It hit me that we didn’t even know if we had a daughter or a son.

“Want to know what we have?” I asked Quinn.

“Yes!” he excitedly said.

I tipped the baby back away from my chest, supporting their head, until they laid flat in my arms. Both of our eyes darted between their legs. Then back at each other. We both smiled widely, with more tears rolling down our cheeks.

“Are you gonna share with us?” Callie asked.

Then Lina nudged her.

“We have a Mikel Izayuh,” he said.

Callie and Lina both started crying, which didn’t help; more tears rolled down our cheeks.

We hadn’t shared the names we picked out. We wanted them to be ours until the baby was born. I was sure it was a girl. Quinn had been convinced it was a boy from the beginning. His wolf instincts were right. I’d never hear the end of it.

Aspen appeared in the doorway, rubbing her eyes, her hair going every direction. She froze when she saw the baby in my arms. Her eyes went wide and filled up fast. She walked over slowly, like she was afraid to startle him, and peered down at his little face.

“Is it a boy?” she whispered. She too wanted a little boy.

I nodded at her. “Mikel.”

“He’s so little,” she said.

“To you,” I said, then laughed. I knew he was much bigger than most of the babies I’d assisted with over the past year.

"Hi," she said softly, her voice barely a breath. "I'm your big sister. I'm gonna teach you everything."

Quinn let out a quiet laugh. Lina and Callie were gone all over again.

Mikel Izayuh Faherty.

Ten pounds two ounces.

Twenty-two inches long.