Chapter Ten
“You’ve gone completely insane; do you know that?” Jo tells me.
I put down the pair of shoes I’m holding and turn to her. “What’s that supposed to mean? How am I the insane one in this situation, and why does it sound like you’re on his side?”
Larisa shushes us from the other side of the room. “Honey, you need to relax. This is supposed to be fun, remember?”
I hold up my hands in surrender, as she examines what appears to be a scrap of lace.
“What’s in your hand, anyway? Is that the handkerchief you’re going to blow your nose in at the altar, or something?” I ask.
“It’s a veil sample.” She rolls her eyes. “I’m just trying to get a sense of what I like. My designer wants me to bring her back some samples so she can create a dress for me based on my taste,” she says.
“Your designer? Gosh, when did our lives become this, you guys?”
Jo gives me a look. “What do you mean this? Shopping?”
“You know what I mean. When did our lives turn into—designers, weddings, dresses that cost more than a car … scratch that. More than a house!” I gasp, looking at the price tag of the nearest wedding gown, unable to believe my eyes. “This dress costs three hundred thousand dollars!”
“It’s a vintage Dior. It makes sense. Emmy, what has gotten into you?” Jo asks.
“I just…” my voice trails off as I grab a glass of champagne from a silver tray that was set out for us when we arrived at this high-class wedding dress shop. I sit down on one of the small, pink ottomans reserved for guests of the bride. It’s uncomfortable.
I feel like a giant sitting on a child’s chair.
“Emmy, honey … let’s talk more about this Evan business.” Larisa changes the subject.
“What can I say, you guys? I thought we were going to—”
“Be together?” Jo asks.
“Something like that. I mean, I thought we were at least gonna kiss. I thought I was making it pretty obvious that’s what I wanted. But, he turned around and walked out of the kitchen, pretending like he didn’t see anything,” I explain.
Larisa and Jo look at each other.
“Well, can I offer an explanation, then?” Jo says.
“Yes, please.”
“In my opinion, you’ve been sending him mixed signals.”
“What do you mean?” I sip some champagne. It’s surprisingly delicious, even though it has chunks of pink glitter floating around in it—probably to make it more enticing for the brides. Or more Instagrammable.
“Alright, so, here’s the thing,” Jo continues. “You’re best friends. And you have a marriage pact. Right?”
“Yeah,” I reply.
“Not too long ago, he asked you if you might want to honor the marriage pact—or, at least, he was curious if you ever thought about it. To which you said no—and assured him that you’ve never even looked at him … like that. You know what I mean?”
“Mhm,” I say, not sure that I like where this is going.
“Then, since you broke your arm and Evan started taking care of you, it seems that your friendship has entered new territory. From what it looks like on the outside, you two seem to be playing this cat-and-mouse game, both with your feelings and with … each other. In the sense that you’re hot and cold at the same time, do you know what I mean?”
“Like the Katy Perry song?” I ask.
Jo takes a deep breath like she’s dealing with a difficult student in class. Larisa just rolls her eyes.
“Emmy, after you told him that you’re not interested in honoring the marriage pact, you practically came on to him in the kitchen while he was cooking you pasta. It’s not that he didn’t notice. Of course, he did. He’s a man, after all—they have some kind of sixth sense about this.”
Larisa looks at Jo. “If she makes some kind of Bruce Willis joke here about that silly movie, I’m leaving.”
“You can’t leave. You’ve still got to try on wedding dresses,” Jo replies.
“Ah, yeah…”
“Who’s silly now?” I tell Larisa.
“Guys, alright. We’re getting off topic!” Jo reins us back in. “So, as I was saying, I’m pretty sure that Evan understood you wanted him at that moment but … I don’t think that’s what he wants. At least, not from you. I’m guessing he might’ve felt a little slighted that you only want … that from him, and nothing else.”
“Yeah, I mean, think about it, Emmy. How would you feel if a guy you truly liked only wanted … you know. To be physical?” Larisa adds.
“Umm, I never thought about it that way. Guys, look, I think you’re both reading far too much into this. What happened in the kitchen was a momentary thing. Plus, I don’t even think Evan is into me like that. I mean, he helped me get undressed when my shirt got stuck on my cast and he never made a move then either. So…”
Both Larisa and Jo get up and move away, starting to look at wedding dresses and accessories again.
“What? What did I say?”
“Nothing. It’s just that … you’re in denial, Em.”
“Denial about what?”
“It’s more than obvious that you like Evan. You might even love him. And I get that it scares you. It’s a big deal to do this after seventeen years of friendship, or however long it’s been. But it’s an even bigger deal to deny it continuously. How long are you going to do this?” Larisa asks.
“I’m not doing anything, guys! I think you’re just … you’re projecting some kind of fantasy onto me. Onto my relationship—I mean friendship—with Evan! I get that you both think friends-to-lovers is the superior romance trope, but nothing is happening! Yes, I had a moment in the kitchen in which I wanted to … suck his face off. But it’s probably just because I’ve been single for a long time. Or maybe it’s because he took off his T-shirt and he looks really good and tanned and fit and … I don’t know, I’m not made of stone!”
One of the ladies at the store passes by holding a dress on a coat hanger. She gives me a weird look but says nothing.
“Great. Now the women who work here know that I’m a lonely spinster!”
“Emmy, look. If that’s all there is to it, then what’s going to happen in the future?” Larisa asks me.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, how long will this go on?”
“I’m afraid I still don’t understand what you mean, Larisa. How long will what go on?”
“Honey, at some point Evan will find someone. Someone else. He’ll also get married. And, most likely, he’ll have children. And believe me, when that happens, there won’t be much space in his life for you. I mean, I can’t imagine his wife liking the idea of Evan helping you undress or cooking for you without his shirt on. So, what’ll happen then?”
My heart sinks to my knees.
I feel as if a pit has opened before me, ready to swallow me whole.
I’ve been so wrapped up in my friendship with Evan, that thought has never even occurred to me.
“That’s just … Evan and I have always been friends—since I was eleven years old. I don’t see why he’d want to replace me,” I reply.
“Sure. But nobody is saying he’ll replace you. Just that he’ll eventually get married and have children. Life … goes on, Em. Were you planning on growing old with Evan? As friends?”
Her question makes me squirm.
I turn away from them because I can feel my emotions getting the best of me. As a result, I pretend to go through a series of bridesmaid dresses that are right behind me. My head is spinning and my heart is so heavy that I don’t even see what I’m looking at. I just need something to do with my hands right now.
“Emmy … are you alright?”
“Let’s just find you a wedding dress, Larisa. That’s why we came.”
“Sure. But are you alright?”
“I’m … guys, Evan is my best friend, alright? I don’t want to go through life without him. That’s all I know,” I tell them, my back still turned, my throat constricted.
“Then why don’t you honor the marriage pact? What’s keeping you?” Jo asks me, her voice laced with compassion.
“You know very well what’s keeping me. We’ve been over this a million times.” I face them again.
Their faces show genuine concern, and for that, I can only be grateful.
As always, they only want what’s best for me.
“Sure. But has nothing changed? In light of everything that’s happened between you and Evan over the past several weeks?”
“Nothing has happened between me and Evan! I broke my arm, he put it in a cast because he’s a doctor, he … helped me undress, and then made me some pasta. It’s not like…” The words get caught in my throat.
I’m about to say: it’s not like he asked me to marry him or something like that, but I realize that’s exactly what happened. In fact, Evan asked me to honor the marriage pact, and I refused.
I look at my friends, unable to say anything else.
“Alright. We won’t press you any further. You know what’s best, Emmy.”
“I mean, I appreciate what you’re both trying to do here, I do. I just … I don’t want to lose him, guys. I don’t think I’d be able to live without him. If we tried and things didn’t work out, I wouldn’t be able to talk to him, see him, text him, call him whenever I want, and it would drive me mad. I’d be unspeakably sad. It would break my heart.”
“That’s true, and we understand,” Larisa says. “But also, what if it did work out?”
“Guys, c’mon. You both know my dating history!” I huff. “None of my relationships have ever lasted longer than six months. I’m not exactly the poster child for successful relationships.”
“That’s because none of those guys were right for you.” Larisa retorts.
“Or there’s something wrong with me.” I sigh.
“Em, there’s nothing wrong with you,” Jo interjects. “You’re an amazing woman who knows her worth! You’ve always had high standards, as you should. But … Larisa does have a point.”
“What do you mean?”
“It seems like you’re only imagining the worst-case scenarios with Evan. You’ve yet to imagine if it works out…” Jo’s voice trails off.
“What would be the point? Evan and I are amazing as friends. Why would I want to risk it all for the one percent chance it could work out?”
“It’s just that … well, you’re right. If you agree to honor the marriage pact, and something goes wrong, you’ll lose Evan. It’ll likely be just as you described. But, if you don’t honor the marriage pact and just remain friends, like you are now, he will eventually get married, and you’ll likely still lose him. But you’ve yet to imagine a reality where it works out…”
I freeze as I listen to Jo speak.
As usual, her wisdom is sobering to the point of pain.
I can only whisper now. “So, you’re suggesting I should honor the marriage pact, simply because I’m afraid to lose him? Is that what you’re telling me?”
My friends smile kindly.
Larisa grabs my hand. “No, honey. Not at all. We’re suggesting you honor the marriage pact because it’s more than obvious that you love him.”