3. But, Purple?
But, Purple?
Cara
Four (and a half) Months Ago
‘Are you sure about this, Cara?’
I stared into the mirror and met the wide-eyed stare of Elspeth, my hairdresser since I was two years old.
‘Aye, I am, Ellie. I need a change.’ I was resolved. I was doing this.
‘But, purple?’
She was horrified that I, for the first time in the twenty-seven years she had been performing the exact same trim every four to six weeks, was coloring my hair… Purple.
‘Yes,’ I said, certain. ‘It’s only the ends, and underneath, and well, YOLO .’
My voice wobbled with humor as I said the acronym out loud. I’d always thought it sounded a little ridiculous. I mean, what’s wrong with just saying you only live once? Why do we have to shorten everything? And actually, only living once was always my reason for being risk-averse . I didn’t want to waste my one go at this by being reckless. I had been wasting it, though, hadn’t I?
It took Jamie dumping me for me to realize that I haven’t ever felt the thrill of anything except music. I’ve never ridden a rollercoaster or got a tattoo. I have no idea what it feels like when people talk about an adrenaline high. I’ve never even had an org… well, that’s not a thought to have in the hairdresser’s chair.
My life is safe. It’s always been safe, and I thought that meant it was good, but when I looked at it now, I could see the only thing in my life I truly enjoyed was music, loud music with killer guitar riffs and heavy drums, music that welcomed people with piercings and tattoos, and purple hair.
Jamie took the two weeks after our breakup off work, meaning I haven’t had to see him and be sucked back into thinking I’d lost something. No, instead, it gave me the chance to focus on my plan. Change, live, throw out the routine and the safety net, and see what the world has to offer.
My phone rang on the shelf in front of me as Elspeth started to mix up the bleach to start the process of turning my dull dark blonde hair purple.
‘Hello,’ I answered, already knowing it was the estate agent. I’d saved their number, of course.
‘Hi, can I speak to Cara McKenzie, please?’
‘Yes, this is she.’
‘Oh, hi, Cara. This is Benjamin from Marshal Properties. We’ve had an offer on your house.’ My heart started to pound in my chest. My house, which I’d worked so hard to be able to buy… was I really going to sell it?
‘Oh, okay, is it a good one?’
‘Yes, it is. It’s come in at the asking price. They loved the house and didn’t want to miss out by trying to negotiate…’
Benjamin reeled off a lot of information about the young couple wanting to buy my house, but I couldn’t process his words. I hardly registered my own voice telling him to accept the offer. My house, my lovely wee house.
‘Accept what offer?’ Elspeth asked with a hand on my shoulder after I hung up.
‘On my house. I’ve sold my house.’
My breath rushed out of me when I said it aloud, and Elspeth gave my shoulder a squeeze.
‘Oh, sweetheart. Purple hair, selling your house, whatever’s next?’
She didn’t wait for an answer, just shook her head and walked away as I considered her question. What was next?
‘Well, I have to admit, it looks pretty good.’
Elspeth grinned behind me as I took in my new look. The dark blonde I had lived with my whole life was now close to platinum, fading down to purple at the ends, and it was curled with loose waves hanging over my shoulders. For the first time in my twenties, I had the hair of someone in their twenties, and I bloody loved it.
‘Oh my gosh, Ellie. It’s better than pretty good. It’s amazing.’
‘Wow, Cara.’ Billy, Ellie’s nephew and the other stylist at her small salon, spun around to inspect my look. ‘You look incredible. Well done, Auntie.’
Elspeth blushed and shoved Billy away, and I reached up to touch her hand on my shoulder.
‘Thank you, Ellie. I love it.’
‘You’re welcome, sweetheart.’ She leaned down to kiss my cheek and then met my gaze in the mirror once more. ‘Change does you good, sweet girl, but just be careful that you don’t let too many changes at once carry you faster than those long legs of yours can keep up with.’
Her words sank in, but I couldn’t stop now. The wheels were in motion, and I couldn’t get off.
‘What on earth have you done?’
Dad looked horrified as I sat opposite him at his little table, and he took in, not only my new hair, but also the shiny new ring in my nose.
‘It’s not a big deal, Dad. I just got my nose pierced.’
‘And colored your beautiful hair.’
‘It’s just hair.’
Dad sighed, ‘Cara, are you on drugs?’
‘What?’ I gasped, ‘Dad, no, of course, I’m not. I just fancied a change.’
‘Well, when I walked to get my papers this morning, Francine Carmichael told me that Irene Darner told her that you’ve sold your house. What is going on, Cara? Is that true?’
‘This bloody village,’ I muttered. I loved it. I really did, but they had absolutely no concept of privacy. ‘Yes, I sold my house. I colored my hair. I pierced my nose, and I think I might well get a tattoo.’ Not today, and probably not until I’ve spent months considering what to get, but I would get one. ‘There’s nothing wrong, Dad. You’re always telling me to go out and live, and that’s what I’m trying to do.’
‘I don’t want to see you making a mistake, darling.’
‘What’s so wrong about a mistake, Dad? I am one, after all.’ I snapped… I never snapped .
‘Cara Marie,’ Dad gasped my name, recoiling as though I’d slapped him.
‘I’m sorry, but you’ve spent my whole life calling me a mistake, Dad, and then you act as though a mistake is the worst thing that can happen to a person.’ I saw the way my words registered as hurt, and realization slid over his features.
‘I never meant…’
‘I know you didn’t, but you said it—a lot. I’ve made some changes, Dad. I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone a bit and do the things I always thought were great but never thought I could do. I’m Cara McKenzie. I’m safe and organized, and I’m plain and boring. Well, I don’t want to be that anymore, Dad.’
‘You’re not boring.’ His voice was soft, and I knew he felt terrible. ‘And you’re not a mistake. You were… a surprise.’
Tears pricked my eyes at his words, words I’d longed to hear my whole life.
‘Oh, Dad. You old fool.’
I moved to hug him, releasing those tears as he held on to me for dear life.
‘Less of the old.’ He let me go, and I wiped my cheeks. ‘I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you were a regret for us. I used that word without thinking. Trust me, you and your mum are the best things to ever happen in my life.’
‘Thanks, Dad.’
I smiled softly and took in his words.
‘Well, I have to go. I’m going to see Jamie.’
‘Cara.’ There was a warning tone in my dad’s voice. ‘Be careful, okay? If you weren’t enough for him before, I don’t think he deserves you now.’
‘Oh, I know.’
He looked away, a worried look in his eyes as he pressed his lips together, and I turned, kicking off my slippers and stepping into my trainers before heading out.
Jamie lived just outside the village and only really came in to go to work. He hadn’t done that in a couple of weeks, so I doubted he’d heard any of the gossip.
I saw the lights on as I headed up the path and knocked on the door. Excitement rushed through me like nothing I had ever felt before. Oh, that’s what it was, not nerves. I was thrilled to be doing this.
‘Cara?’
My name was a question as he answered the door, his gaze lowering down my body and back up.
‘Hi. Can we talk?’
‘You look—’ He shook his head like he didn’t know what to say, and I loved it. ‘Cara, I don’t think we have anything to talk about. Wait, you’re not pregnant, are you? Oh god, tell me you aren’t pregnant.’
Now I didn’t know what to say. I thought for sure he’d be intrigued enough by the changes to let me in to talk. Instead, he was filling the doorway as much as he could.
‘No, I’m not, but I just…’
‘Cara, we broke up. I’m leaving.’
That shocks me. ‘What? How?’ Considering he was also my boss, I would have expected to have heard that news.
‘I have an old colleague coming in to run the practice for a year. I’m going traveling.’
‘I sold my house.’ This is not going how I thought it would when I planned it all out in my head. Get it together, Cara. He’s turning me into the same weak, bumbling mess he always did.
‘You… what?’ He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. ‘What is all this, Cara? The hair, the new clothes, the face jewelry?’
I stepped a little closer and actually saw his whole body tense up, and that’s when it happened. That’s when I realized that this man who’d had a hold over me for five years had never bothered to consider my needs, never taken me away for romantic weekends, and hadn’t asked me to move in. He let me go to rock concerts alone, not even offering to drive me there or pick me up. He had never said he loved me in five years of a relationship. I had wasted five years of the life I’ve always been so protective of on this man. Not another day, Jamie McAllister. You don’t get another day.
‘I just. I wanted to show you that I can be more spontaneous.’
‘Fuck, Cara. You did all this for me? I told you I was moving on.’
‘No, I did it for me. This is all stuff I wanted to do but was too worried about doing. It’s all the stuff I was scared to do because I knew you’d make fun of me, probably tell me to take it out, change it back,’ I admitted, my shoulders dropping and my spine straightening. ‘You and I were a mistake. We were convenient for each other, and we became a habit for each other when we should never have made it past a few weeks if that. We were together for years, and that’s on me, but I made a mistake staying with you. Life is too short for plans and spreadsheets and meat-free Monday, every single Monday.’ Oh my god, who am I? ‘I’m leaving, Jamie, me. I am the one walking away with my new clothes, my face jewelry, and my bloody fantastic hair. I wish you well, I really do, but now I’m going to let you watch the best thing that will ever happen to you walk away.’
I turned and headed back down the path toward my car. I didn’t need to see his face. I didn’t need to be in his presence for even a second longer. We had always been a mistake, and now it was over… and I’d survived.