25. Take The Pie, Please
Take The Pie, Please
Doug
What am I doing?
I look up at the house, noticing the kitchen light on. I shouldn’t be here. I’m pretty sure she’s going to rip me a new one. The only reason I escaped with both my balls earlier today is because Bo was here. I know that—I saw the murder in Cara’s eyes before my baby girl saved me.
Goddam, she looked beautiful when I saw her getting out of her car, her legs bare between the Converse High Tops and jean shorts, and an old, well-worn Foo Fighters tour shirt, one much better fitting than the huge one she had on the other night, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut, and between Leo and my sisters, I’ve been punched in the gut enough times to recognize that feeling. And Jesus, seeing her with Bo, I’m done for. Nothing has changed. I still can’t let this happen, not that Cara would let it now after the shit I pulled, but I want her. Shit, do I want her.
I glance at the Tupperware on my passenger seat and take a breath before grabbing it and climbing out of the truck.
Outside the front door, I open the box and, as per my instructions, light the candle before knocking on the door.
My blood rushes as I wait for the door to open, and when it does, against my better judgment, it drops south. Holy shit, if I thought she looked good in an old band shirt, she looks fucking incredible in a low-cut tank and tiny little shorts.
‘Hi,’ I manage after I don’t even know how long while she just stares up at me. ‘Bowie wanted me to bring you this—demanded that I did, actually. I told her we could bring it tomorrow, but she wanted you to have it on your birthday, so, as a dad who always does what his daughter tells him to, here I am. Make a wish.’
I don’t think I’ve said that many words to her the whole time I’ve known her, but I couldn’t seem to stop talking.
Cara looks from me to the pie in my hands, then back to my face.
‘I know you don’t want to see me, but I promised I would do this, so could you just take the pie, please?’
She reaches out and takes it from my hands before turning and walking into the kitchen, leaving me standing at the open door. Tentatively, I step inside the entrance hall and wait for her to come back, and when she does, my breath hitches—she’s something else. Her bare feet on the unfinished stone floor do something to me, and she looks smaller somehow.
‘Thank you, and thank Bowie for me, please,’ she says, her tone cool.
‘Cara, can we…’
‘No,’ she cuts me off and moves to the door.
‘I know you are pissed at me, and I get it. I’m pissed at me. I just—I owe you an apology and an explanation.’ I turn to look at her, pleading for the opportunity to talk to her.
‘I don’t want your apology or your explanation, Doug. I don’t want them.’ I hear the tremble in her voice, and it cuts through me. She turns away from me and sits on the bottom step of the staircase, but I stay planted in my spot, afraid that if I move, she’ll stop talking, and I’ll need to leave.
‘I don’t have friends back home. I never have. People think I’m peculiar. It’s okay—they’re right. I am. I know I’m boring. I’m the what-if girl, the one who assesses the dangers of every situation. I’m not the fun one who leaps feet first in the name of fun. I’m the one who says it’s too cold to go out without a coat and that the water is too shallow to jump into. Risk-averse , that’s what my dad called me, and he’s right. I avoid risks at every turn because I’m terrified of making a mistake, and nobody wants to be friends with someone who isn’t free and fun, someone who always plays it safe.’
She leans back and gazes up at the ceiling for a moment, and I find myself taking a tentative step in her direction.
‘I never even colored my hair until recently because what if it fell out, what if it never grew the same again, what if, what if, what if. My whole life is one big bloody what if, but somehow, God only knows how, I managed to get myself on a plane to a country I’ve never been to, to a tiny town in the middle of nowhere and a derelict house with my name on the deed, and all I wanted was to make friends. I just wanted to make friends, Doug.’ The shake in her voice tugs at my heart, but when she looks at me and I see the tears in her eyes, I feel crushed. I did that. I made her feel like that. ‘Because my whole life, I’ve been rejected.’
She reaches up to wipe away her tears before they can even fall, and I take a deep inhale.
‘My own parents referred to me as a mistake because I wasn’t planned. Not an accident, not a surprise, a mistake .’ She almost laughs at the word, but the heartbreak behind it is unmistakable. ‘I know they love me. I don’t doubt that, but can you imagine being told that you are a mistake? Something that gets thrown on the reject pile or in the bin because it’s no good to anyone.’
God, Cara… I take another step.
‘The first man I had sex with told me I was too nervous, too quiet for him.’ She releases a laugh and shakes her head. ‘It was my first time, you know, but my inexperience was a problem for him, I guess. The guy after that stuck around a few months before he told me I was too strait-laced for him, and then there was Jamie. I spent years of my life with him, for him to just tell me I’m too boring and leave. I should be used to it, the rejection. I’ve had so much of it. Rejected by my grandparents, called a mistake by my own parents, pushed away by other kids, and discarded by boyfriends. It shouldn’t hurt anymore,’ her voice trembles, and her lip wobbles, ‘but nobody,’ she looks up at me and tries so hard not to let me see her hurt, but my heart lurches at the tears in her eyes, and the way she presses her lips together as she steadies herself with a breath, ‘nobody, my whole life, has ever,’ the last word was a whisper, strangled by emotion as she looks up to the ceiling again before blowing out a breath and bringing her gaze back to mine. ‘Nobody has ever made me feel as unwanted as you did.’
My breath rushes out of me as her eyes hold mine, and I watch the tears escape and roll down her cheeks before she swipes them away and looks down toward her feet.
‘I didn’t…’
‘I know it’s very silly. To most people, what happened is nothing, but it hurt, Doug. Maybe it’s because I wanted you to want me, really want me, more than I have ever wanted anyone to want me, actually. I wanted you. I thought you did want me, but then you left, and I’m embarrassed. I’m confused and humiliated, and I don’t think I will ever be able to forget how you made me feel.’
No , no. She has to understand.
‘You’re not unwanted, Cara.’ She turns her gaze up at me and opens her mouth to speak, but I continue. ‘I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you. I just panicked. It was shitty of me, but none of me leaving was because you were unwanted. If anything, it’s because I want you too much.’
I watch the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes deeply, and I take my chance, lowering to crouch in front of her.
'Please hear me out. I don’t expect your forgiveness, but I just need you to understand.’
She looks at me for a moment, then lowers her gaze and slides along the stair, making room for me to sit. I blow out a breath and move to sit next to her. Do not fuck this up, Doug.
‘Bowie’s mom was my first girlfriend, only girlfriend, really. I’ve known her my whole life, and she was always difficult, but not with me, not until we were a year and a half in. We got together when we were fifteen, started sleeping together soon after, and not long after that, she started cheating on me.’ I feel her eyes on me, but I face forward and continue. ‘We didn’t have a lot of money when I was a kid. I still don’t.’ I huff out a laugh at the reality of that. ‘We had enough, you know, but enough wasn’t enough for her. She wanted more. Her dad was an asshole who taught her to use everything she had as a woman to get everything she wanted out of life. She was trying to catch one of the guys who had more than me, using her body as bait, but they only wanted a bite, so she came back to me. The first time I found out, I forgave her, much to my family’s dismay. The second time, even if I’d wanted to forgive her, my sisters wouldn’t have let it happen, but I was done. I went to college and didn’t plan on coming back here. Then I came home for Christmas one year, got completely shitfaced, and Bowie happened.’ I shake my head at the memories. I love my baby, but her fucking mother…
‘Truth is, I used Jessie that night, and I’m not proud. I knew she wouldn’t say no to me, that’s why I went to her, and the next thing I know, I’m sitting in a hospital holding a tiny baby who looks like me.’
Cara’s knees shift slightly in my direction, and I know she’s really listening to what I’m saying as she’s turned her body my way.
‘Jessie is difficult,’ I laugh, ‘understatement of the century. She’s a complete bitch, and I don’t use that word lightly. She uses Bowie against me to get what she wants. She drops her on me with no notice, and if I’m not around, she drops her on my family and heads out of town to, I assume, bag herself a man who can give her everything she wants. She wants a big house, status, expensive jewelry and vacations, and designer clothes.’
I mirror Cara’s posture and turn to look her in the eye, finding her watching me intently.
‘She says to me, often, that if she hears a word of me even being interested in another woman, she’ll take Bowie and run, and I’ll never see them again.’
‘Doug,’ she gasps and looks horrified.
‘I don’t know if she’d actually do it, but the thought of losing my girl has had me running scared for five years. I haven’t so much as looked at another woman in that time. Then you show up, and I can’t seem to stop looking.’
She inhales sharply, and I try to ignore the kick it gives me.
‘The other night, with you, there was nowhere else I wanted to be, and believe me, I did not want to leave. I wanted to stay all night and keep making you feel that way, but I panicked. Something in the back of my mind suddenly screamed at me, she’s going to know , and I had these visions of finding them gone and never seeing Bo again. I freaked out and ran. I’m so sorry, Cara. I never wanted to make you feel anything other than incredible.’
She exhales, and I turn to find her watching me.
‘That’s awful. I understand why that must be really scary.’
‘It is. It’s not an excuse. There’s no excuse for running out on you that way, but it’s my explanation.’
She nods and grabs the banister, pulling herself up to stand and turning to face me.
‘So what’s your plan?’ she says, and I blink. I wasn’t expecting the question.
‘Um, what plan?’
‘You can’t keep living in fear like this. You need to do something.’ She looks energized like she’s elated at having a problem to solve. I’m transfixed. She’s amazing.
‘I plan on getting a lawyer and getting custody of my kid, but I have to have all the money ready to go before I let Jessie know that’s what I want. I need to be ready to go so she doesn’t just run before I can fight her.’
‘I’ll give you the money.’ She stands still, looking me dead in the eye. She’s serious. ‘I mean it.’
‘Cara,’ I push up from the stairs, and her gaze follows me as I rise. ‘I have got to do this myself. You hiring me to fix up this place helps more than I can say. I need to get a place, a house or an apartment, somewhere with two bedrooms so that I can make a home for Bowie. I can’t tell a court I’m ready to care for her full-time when I’m living with my mom. But I’m not taking anything I haven’t earned.’
‘Don’t be stubborn. I can help you.’
‘I’m not being stubborn, Cara.’ I step toward her and reach out to take her arms in my hands, and I ignore her shiver as my calloused hands touch her soft skin. ‘Thank you for being so kind, but I’ve got this,’ I smile, ‘or I will have.’
‘So, for now, you just have to play by her rules, live your life being dictated to.’ Her voice is soft, and it matches the sad frustration in her eyes. I swallow hard and release her, stepping back.
‘Yeah, for now.’ I shrug.
She takes a step back, and I know why. I know what she’s doing. That’s her way of helping, putting more distance between us to remove the temptation. She just doesn’t realize that makes me want her even more.
‘I should go.’ I gesture to the door, and she nods, then moves to open it.
Against my better judgment, as I get close enough to pass her, I stop.
‘Thank you for letting me explain,’ I say softly, and she smiles up at me.
‘I’m too soft. I could have strung it out for weeks.’
‘Are we okay?’ I ask. She nods, and like the fool I am, I lean in to kiss her cheek, pulling back a little to see those big brown eyes open to gaze up at me. ‘Happy birthday, Cara.’
I step back and walk down from the porch toward my truck.
‘Doug,’ she calls out, and I stop, turning to look back at her, ‘Hypothetically speaking. If there was a way to keep things,’ she shrugs her shoulders, ‘quiet, would that be something you’d want to pursue?’
Holy shit, is she saying what I think she’s saying? She wants this, us, this thing, whatever it is between us… and she’s prepared to keep it a secret.
I take one tentative step forward, then stop and look up at her leaning against her porch railing, a nervous expression on her face. I can’t help but grin.
‘Hypothetically, if I knew she wouldn’t find out, hell fuckin’ yes, I’d want to pursue this.’
She smiles and steps back toward the house, with, I suspect, no idea how fucking sexy she is right now.
‘Something to think about then.’
I nod, then hang my head as I take the deepest breath and try to resist heading straight back in her direction.
‘Goodnight, Doug.’ She practically sings, and I start walking backward to my truck.
‘Goodnight, Cara.’
I watch her head inside and close the door, then lean against my truck, just watching the house as though the answers will appear.
I can’t risk it. I know I can’t… and yet…