28. Can We Go Upstairs?
Can We Go Upstairs?
Cara
When I make my way down the stairs exactly forty-seven minutes later, Doug is standing where I left him. I can’t help but smile at the expression on his face and the way the butterflies in my stomach take flight.
‘Have you been standing there the whole time?’ I ask, coming to a stop on the bottom step and loving the feel of his large hands as they come to my hips.
‘No, I’m here to pick you up.’ He winks, and I chuckle. ‘You look so fuckin’ beautiful.’ He grins, squeezing my hips a little, and I smile.
I put on a little black skater dress with a sweetheart neckline that I bought today. I liked how wavy my hair was from the plait he put in last night, so I didn’t do anything with it. I just showered and put on the tiniest bit of makeup and a little perfume. I didn’t bother with shoes as I gathered we weren’t actually going anywhere.
Doug holds his arm out, and I loop mine through it, stepping down and letting him guide me toward my living room.
I gasp as we enter. ‘Oh, my god.’
The space is pretty barren, as my lovely new sofa is still covered in packing plastic and pushed back out of the way. The floors and walls aren’t finished, so the room isn’t decorated, but somehow, it’s transformed. Doug has laid out blankets and cushions. He’s lit candles all around the space, and there are wee little mason jars of wildflowers dotted around.
‘Doug, this is—’ I press my hand to my chest as my eyes roam the space.
‘Hold on.’ He releases me and pulls his phone from his pocket, then presses play. One of my favorite songs, Everlong by the Foo Fighters, starts to play quietly. Loud enough to hear but quiet enough that I can still hear his breath—I can still hear my own.
‘This is amazing.’
I turn to find him watching me, a hopeful expression in his eyes.
‘I’m sorry it’s not a fancy restaurant. A first date should be really special.’
‘Doug,’ I step in front of him, pressing my hands to his chest, ‘it doesn’t get more special than this.’
He directs me to the blankets, and I sit as he opens a bottle of wine and pours me and then himself a glass. I notice the tray of food. Charcuterie laid out beautifully with ciabatta, olives, dipping oils, vinegar, and a delicious-looking tomato salad.
‘It just hit me that I didn’t check for allergies.’ I turn my wide eyes up to meet his and see the worry there. ‘Oh, man, are you vegetarian?’
I smile and shake my head, no.
‘No, this is perfect. Thank you.’ And it really is. Nothing has ever felt like this before.
‘Well then, sit, eat, and tell me something about you I don’t know.’
Considering he doesn’t know much, that shouldn’t be hard, but given there’s not a lot about me to tell, I struggle.
‘Hey,’ he says, and I look up, ‘relax.’ He smiles, and I inhale deeply.
‘I’m not that interesting, Doug. I’m not being self-deprecating, but I’ve played my life so safe all the time… God, I really am boring.’ I sip my wine and swallow hard, avoiding his eyes.
‘Are you happy, being careful, I mean?’ Careful , that’s a nice way of putting it.
‘No.’ I release a sad laugh. ‘I’m fed up of it.’
Doug’s smile should be unnerving, but it stirs up happiness and excitement in the pit of my stomach.
‘I can help you if you want me to.’ I pull my lip between my teeth, a little nervous about understanding what he means. ‘If you’ll trust me to let me push you a little, I can help you step out of the box you put yourself in.’
‘Why would you want to do that?’ Why does he want to waste any time on me?
‘Because I like you a lot, and I don’t like the way you talk about yourself or the look on your face when you do it.’ Oh. ‘Cara, let me be clear, something about you, just you, exactly the way you are, has me by the balls. I’m not looking to change a thing about you, but if I can help you smile when somebody asks you about yourself rather than look terrified, I want to do that.’ I swallow hard. ‘Now, tell me how someone so “risk-averse”’ he uses air quotes and rolls his eyes, letting me know he hates that phrase being used to describe me as much as I do, ‘comes by so many tour t-shirts.’
I laugh and take another sip of wine. ‘Rock concerts are my happy place.’
The past few hours have been amazing. It’s so easy to talk to him, and that thought amuses me. He was so standoffish when we met, but for some reason, I’ve never found it easier to talk to anyone as I do him. Even when he pisses me off, I have no trouble letting him know.
I stretch out my legs from under me, pointing my feet for a moment to get the blood flowing again, when Doug reaches out and starts to massage one of them. My breath catches, my lungs forgetting what to do for a moment before I melt at the sensation. I lean back a little, my arms supporting me, and close my eyes as I sigh as he moves his ministrations to the other foot.
His deep chuckle has me opening my eyes to find him watching me, a smile fixed.
‘What?’ I ask, too relaxed to be defensive, and his grin widens.
‘I thought I made you feel good last night, but the way you just melted.’ He chuckles again. ‘You like having your feet touched, baby?’
Baby . Oh god, I love the way that sounds. His southern drawl makes the word drip with sensuality and promise.
‘Apparently, I do.’ I smirk. ‘Who knew?’
I notice his brows furrow for a moment, then the slight shake of his head before he releases a deep sigh.
‘He never massaged your feet, did he?’ His voice is more somber than it’s been while we talked about music and movies and family. I startle a little. I wasn’t expecting that question. Doug stops touching my feet and sits back, opening himself up to me. ‘Come here.’
Just like this morning on my bed, I climb onto his lap, and he wraps his arms around me. God, I love sitting like this. I feel so safe and content in his arms. I never had this before, and I realize now what he’s asking. He wants to know about Jamie.
I take a deep breath and drop my shoulders as I blow it out. I can honestly say I haven’t given Jamie more than a fleeting thought since I got on that plane, and those thoughts have only really been in comparison to Doug. I always thought Jamie was the most handsome man in the world. If I passed him in the street now, after meeting the gorgeous mountain of a man currently running his fingers through my long waves, I wouldn’t even grace him with a passing glance.
‘Can we go upstairs?’ I ask quietly, and Doug pulls back a little to meet my gaze.
‘Cara,’ he pushes my hair behind my ear, ‘I want nothing more, but I think we need to talk through some things before we get too deep into this.’
I chuckle and run my fingers through his hair, loving the feel of the silky strands against my skin, melting at the way his eyes close momentarily as though he can’t help it.
‘I’m happy to talk,’ I admit. ‘It’s just more comfortable up there.’
He smirks and moves, laying me down gently on the blankets and coming to rest above me.
‘Are you not comfortable, now?’ he asks, a mischievous sparkle in his eye. I try to laugh, but I’m all too aware that he’s between my legs.
‘I am.’ I breathe the words. ‘Okay, you win.’
Doug leans down to kiss me, all too briefly, before lifting me slightly and pulling another cushion under my head to prop me up a little higher. Then he sits back and goes back to my feet.
‘No, he never rubbed my feet,’ I say after a moment of just enjoying the way he touches me. ‘He hardly touched me at all, to be honest.’
I notice the slight squeeze on my foot before he loosens his grip.
‘The thing is. I had no idea I was missing anything, so I never complained.’
‘How, Cara? How could you not know something wasn’t right?’ I frown at his question and the frustration in his voice. ‘I’m sorry. I’m not blaming you, and believe me, I’m glad he was a prick who let you go because I’m so glad you’re here right now. I just hate that he didn’t take care of you the way he should have.’
I pull my foot from his hands slowly and sit up, mirroring his cross-legged position as I start to pick at the blanket underneath me, focusing my attention there.
‘Boys at school didn’t like me. My first kiss was at the end of a terrible date when I was twenty. He just leaned in and kissed me, and I felt nothing, so that was the first time I wondered if there was something wrong with me. Then I had sex for the first time, and it was awful. There wasn’t any sort of foreplay, just a bit of kissing. I was seeing a guy for a while after that, but again, no real effort on his part, and then there was Jamie. I was really attracted to him, at least in a way I hadn’t been to the others, so it was a little better, but I had no drive to explore what I might be missing, because I didn’t know I was missing anything.’
‘You didn’t think to try touching yourself, exploring your own body that way?’
‘No, are far as I was concerned, sexual contact wasn’t enjoyable, so what would be the point?’
‘Five years, though. Five years and he didn’t even try to get you off?’
I take another deep breath.
‘Honestly, I’m not sure he even noticed that he didn’t. Now that I’m looking back on it, I know I was convenient for him. He knew he could get regular sex on his terms until it grew too tedious, and off he went.’
‘Did you love him?’
I raise my eyebrows and huff out a laugh.
‘I thought I did at the time. Now, well, I guess he was convenient for me, too.’
Doug tilts his head a little, silently asking for more.
‘Having a boyfriend, even a crap one, made me feel more normal than I ever had. I hadn’t had friends, hadn’t had all the fun experiences of youth, but I had a boyfriend, and just that snippet of normality had me clinging on.’
‘I want to erase him from your memories. Wipe every memory of him using your body so selfishly.’
‘You already have.’ I smile, and he meets my eyes with surprise in his. I move forward onto my hands and knees and press my mouth to his.
‘Even before anything happened between us, you brought out a side of me nobody ever has. You look at me and touch me in ways nobody ever has.’ I kiss him again. ‘I can’t remember there ever being anyone else.’
He kisses me now, then pulls back, his hand coming up to grip my chin.
‘Now we can go upstairs.’