45. Hold Your Head Up, My Little Miracle
Hold Your Head Up, My Little Miracle
Charlotte
My darling baby,
You’ve been a part of me for just a couple of months. Enough that my favorite jeans don’t button anymore, but you’re already worth it.
I wonder who you’ll be, boy or girl, teacher, doctor, bartender… doesn’t matter to me. I will love and be proud of you regardless.
If you’re reading this letter, it means a couple of things have happened. One, you’ve gone to Forest Falls, met Lynnie, and figured out there’s more to our story than I got to tell you myself, and two, it means I’m not with you anymore.
I hope we had time, me and you. I hope we had time to get to know one another. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m sorry.
I never wanted to be a mother who hid things from her child. The moment I knew I was having you, I knew I wanted to be the best mom in the world, and to me, that meant protecting you from the truth.
I trust that if Lynnie has given you this letter, you’re old enough to hear what I have to say. I only wish I could hold your hand and tell you in person.
I’m seventeen years old. I’m young, I know. Much younger than I ever imagined I would be becoming a mom, but here we are.
You weren’t planned, little baby, not in the slightest. You see, I didn’t have too much of a say in putting you in there. I didn’t have any say at all, actually.
Your wonderful daddy loves you because he loves me, and we are going to be a beautiful family, but I’m sorry, little one, he’s not your biological father.
My father is a proud, stubborn man. He also has his vices, one of which is gambling. He built up a debt that he kept secret from my mother until it was too big to hide. When the debt collectors came calling, everything in my life changed.
I had already met your daddy, and I was already head over heels for the man. We wanted to get married, but we were going to wait until the end of the summer, ask for my parents’ blessing, and do things right.
I heard my parents fighting. My mama, telling Daddy she wouldn’t pay off his debts with her family's money. That he’d made the mess, and he’d have to clean it up, so he did — his way.
The man he owed the money to, Mr. Lavell, is a mean, awful man. He’s hard and cold, and he gets what he wants, always.
My dad went to him to find a way, a plan to pay off the debt, and Mr. Lavell offered him a quick and easy way to pay it off: me. If I married his son, the debt would be paid. My dad agreed, promising me to Bevan Lavell without giving me a say in the matter.
I refused. I told Daddy I’m in love with Andy, and I don’t want to marry Bevan, I won’t. The problem is, once Bevan was told I was his, he got fixed on the idea.
He kept bothering me, telling me I was his property and that I needed to get it together. Telling me no wife of his would dress the way I did, act the way I did. He kept coming around, showing up, threatening Andy to back off, and then one night, he caught up to me as I walked back from town to the house.
He didn’t give me a choice — he took from me something I was keeping for your daddy — something that meant so much to me. I didn’t know at the time, though, that he had also given me the most precious gift, you.
I told my parents what had happened. My dad insisted I had to marry Bevan now, but my mom thought differently, and they fought, we all did, but then I found out about you.
Mama was embarrassed, and for the first time in my life, I felt like she put her reputation in the town ahead of her relationship with me. She wanted me to get married, either to Bevan or Andy. She didn’t mind which, as long as I was an honest woman by the time the baby came. It was that or stay hidden away until you were born and give you away before the town could know I got pregnant in high school.
I couldn’t do that. I wanted to marry your daddy, but I didn’t want it this way. I didn’t want it forced.
When your daddy asked me to leave with him, move to Scotland, and build a life away from Forest Falls and my parents, I jumped at the chance to say yes. My life here had changed, become toxic. It was no longer a happy place full of beautiful memories. It had become a place where my father sold me, where my body was used without my permission, and instead of fighting against the people who did that to me, my mother was ashamed of the outcome. I couldn’t stay, but it doesn’t make leaving an easy choice.
The Lavells are the bad apples of this town. Aside from them, Forest Falls is a beautiful place with amazing people. It’s warm and happy, and I will miss it so much, but for you, for our family, I had to get away.
So, my sweet baby, whoever you may be, please forgive me for keeping all this from you. Please forgive your daddy, and please know that he is your daddy. He may not have been the one to make you, but he’s the one fighting to give you the life you deserve.
I love you already. I know we’re going to be the best of friends for as long as we have. Please don’t hold onto anger. I won’t.
Hold your head up, my little miracle. You’re special.
Love, your mama x