Chapter 38
The rideshare driver talks to us the entire time. I was hoping to continue our make-out session in the back seat but we can’t because the driver wants to know all about us. Finn happily answers each question but has no problem sneaking in a kiss right in full view of the driver.
We get to the hotel, and my instinct is to run through the lobby up to our rooms like a reverse emergency evacuation, but instead Finn opens the doors, and we walk through the lobby side by side knowing we have all night. We decide to go up and change into our swimsuits and then head to the beach for a midnight dip, but I wonder how long our swimsuits will stay on in the ocean.
‘Sammy!’ A voice says from the bar. I turn to see who recognizes me and it’s the last person in the world I want to see right now.
‘Paul!’ I say as he walks toward me. I can feel Finn bristle and maybe he can feel me stiffening. Paul gives me a hug. My arms don’t move to embrace him and he doesn’t seem to notice. But he does notice that I just walked into the hotel with a guy.
‘Who’s this?’ Paul asks.
‘Paul Pearson this is Finn Montgomery. Finn is one of the artists here for Art Week.’ Paul reaches out to shake Finn’s hand not knowing that a few minutes ago it was around my waist. I’m mortified.
‘Finn this is Paul,’ I say and I think my voice cracks. ‘Paul is my…’ before I can think of how to phrase exactly what Paul is to me, he jumps in.
‘Nice to meet you Finn.’ Paul kisses me on the cheek quickly and I catch Finn’s eyes darting away. What have I done? ‘I’m the prodigal boyfriend returning to New York next month to be with this one.’ Paul pulls me toward him. I close my eyes briefly hoping this isn’t really happening, but it is.
‘Paul what are you doing here?’
‘Work ended a bit early. I was in Atlanta and it’s not so far from Florida so I grabbed a flight after work, took a car from the airport and waited for you to walk through that door. I texted you.’
‘You did?’ I ask. Maybe he did.
‘One of the partners has a place in Palm Beach. Big party tonight. I thought I’d surprise you. I know how much you like to be my plus one.’
‘But Paul…’ I say looking right at Finn. It feels like the evening is an express train that suddenly screeched to a halt. I was so close to getting to where I needed to go but now I’m not sure what the destination is. I shouldn’t have made out with Finn. That was just a little dream brought on by the sunshine and mojitos. I can’t sustain the feelings I had on the roof about him or myself. They were exquisite but ephemeral – a comet that flashes across the sky and then disintegrates. Miami was just a fantasy. Paul is reality and I have to face that. I need to explain to Finn, but I’m not sure how I can even get a few seconds alone with him.
‘Looks like you two have quite a night ahead of you,’ Finn says, his voice tight and cold. ‘I’ll just say good night to you both.’
‘Finn, wait!’ I call after him. He turns but I don’t say anything else. I don’t know what to say. He waits and our eyes lock, but when I don’t say anything more, he heads to the elevator.
‘Paul, just a second. I have to make sure he knows his itinerary for tomorrow,’ I say thinking of an excuse to break away from him for a minute.
‘No problem. I’ll be at the bar. I’m sure trying to get artists to show up for things on time is almost impossible,’ Paul says snidely and rolls his eyes.
‘Actually, he’s very prompt,’ I shoot back with a bit more anger than I intended but Paul is oblivious to it. I dart over to Finn at the elevators.
‘Finn, I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was coming.’
‘I get it.’ He stares straight ahead. ‘I knew your relationship status was complicated.’
‘It is but I should have told you about Paul. The thing is he’s been living in…’ I try to wiggle out but I know that’s wrong. ‘I should have been clearer. It’s my fault.’
‘It’s my fault,’ Finn says biting his lip.
‘No, I should never have…’ I start but can’t fill in the rest of the words. It was less than twenty minutes ago but the roof already feels like it’s so far in the past we could never go back. It took so long to get there and only a few seconds to tumble back to reality.
‘I guess this was just a big mistake,’ Finn says and the bell from the elevator rings. He gets in without turning around and the doors close.
‘It sure didn’t feel like a mistake,’ I say to the closed mirrored elevator doors and stare at myself as the words come out. I look sad, confused, and lost.
‘Sammy, we better hurry,’ Paul says joining me at the elevator with a glass of wine in his hand.
I bring my hands to my face and cover my nose and mouth for a second to regain my composure.
‘You’ll need to change,’ Paul says. ‘Palm Beach is much more upscale than this place.’ He looks around the lobby like it’s not good enough for him.
‘I’m not sure I brought anything…’ The words just fall out of my mouth. My body is in the lobby but my mind is still with Finn.
‘I’m sure you didn’t. I grabbed something for you before I left.’ He holds out an expensive-looking garment bag. ‘Hey, Sammy.’ Paul snaps his fingers and I’m suddenly back on planet Earth. ‘You okay? Too many mojitos this evening?’ He laughs and then jams his finger on the elevator button. ‘Let’s go to the suite I got and make you presentable. I have a car waiting but traffic is going to be murder.’ He walks into the elevator and I follow him because that’s what I’ve always done.
Paul works on his laptop, and I quickly shower and change into the sandstone linen suit, crisp white shirt, and powder-blue faux-crocodile yacht loafers. He’s even included a pair of high-end underwear and some boring beige socks. There was a time when I would have appreciated all of this but today I feel like a dress-up doll performing for his pleasure.
We get in the car to head to the party, and Paul doesn’t ask me anything about how things have been going in Miami or about me in general. He says he’s happy to see me and glad that he can take me to this party but I feel like I could be anyone in the suit he picked out. I guess when we were together, I liked being able to fade into whatever role Paul wanted me to play, but maybe I don’t want to do that anymore. Maybe I want Paul to see me and understand me for who I am… the way Finn does. I look over to Paul and ask, ‘Why me?’
‘Sammy, what are you talking about?’ he asks without looking up from his phone.
‘What is it about me that you like? That makes you want to move back to New York or fly down here and take me to this party?’
He finally looks up from his phone. ‘I think you spent too much time in the sun today, Sammy.’ He laughs, trying to ignore my question.
‘I’m serious.’
‘Okaaaay,’ he says slowly. ‘I like you because… you’re my Sammy. And we have a good time together and you’re cute as hell.’ I stare at him without expression and he can tell I’m not satisfied with his answer. He hasn’t said a single thing that shows he really knows who I am. I go back to looking out the window and he goes back to his phone.
The party is at some stately mansion right on the water. It’s exactly as you would expect it to be, in one of the most affluent and conservative areas of Florida. It’s an upscale version of The Cheesecake Factory with more palm trees.
We walk past perfectly manicured topiaries and a fountain large enough to hold an Olympic backstroke final into a foyer with high ceilings and sweeping views of the Atlantic Ocean. The women are all wearing floor-length gowns that are only slight variations of one from another and the men are dressed like we are – suits, open shirt, loafers. Not sure if we are all wearing the same underwear and socks but it seems likely.
‘Paul, you made it.’ A woman in an peach version of the gown-uniform walks over to us. She kisses Paul on both cheeks and they each laugh but I have no idea why. Is there a joke I missed, or is this how the wealthy say hello? I knew I’d be entering Paul’s world more once we moved in together, but I thought I’d have more gradual exposure. This is a deep dive off a dark cliff.
‘Maxine, you look radiant. As always. Your hair is different maybe? Something.’
Maxine does not look radiant. She looks like someone has taken her face and filled it with helium. It’s so plump in different areas that I expect her head to rise up to the ceiling like Linda Blair in The Exorcist.
‘This must be your Todd. Such a pleasure to finally meet you,’ she says and my entire body freezes. She grabs me and kisses me the same way she kissed Paul but I’m too much in shock to resist her. ‘I want to hear all about skiing in Aspen over Thanksgiving. I heard from Agnes that you two had the Rochette Suite at the St Regis. John and I love that suite. It’s so romantic. I’m sure you had a wonderful time.’
I think I might throw up. I might go out to the fountain and turn it into a cascading waterfall of vomit. What is happening?
‘Maxine, I think you’re confused. That wasn’t me,’ I can tell Paul is trying to cover. His voice quivers and I can see his hand shaking. ‘You’re thinking of someone else. I’ve been in Atlanta,’ he says emphasizing the name of the city. ‘This is Sam.’
This is not the first time Maxine has been caught in this particular web so she knows exactly how to play her part. ‘Oh right, Sam. Atlanta. Of course. I don’t know what I was thinking. You know, come to think of it, it wasn’t you at all. My mistake. Planning this fundraiser has my mind completely scattered. Anyway, nice meeting you… ah…’
‘Sam,’ I say plainly.
‘Of course, Sam. Thank you both so much for coming. Marco is saying a few words out on the beach patio in just a bit. I’m sure they’ll be inspiring.’ She exits quickly.
‘Let’s go check out the view,’ Paul says putting his hand on my back and walking toward the patio like nothing has happened. I don’t move. He looks back at me confused.
‘Is everything okay?’
‘No, Paul. Everything is not okay. What the hell was she talking about? I thought you were working in Atlanta not skiing in Aspen with Todd.’
‘What? You heard her. She got the details wrong. She’s in her eighties and has done so much Botox I’m sure it’s creeped into her cerebral cortex. Let’s just enjoy the night. You look so handsome in that suit I bought you.’ He gives me a dirty grin but it has zero impact.
I look down at the lapel of the suit and hold it between my fingers. I could never afford something like this. ‘I didn’t ask for the suit,’ I say spitting out each word.
‘I know Sammy. It’s a present. I bought it for you so you would look nice.’ He says the words slowly like he’s talking to a child. ‘I know you don’t have any clothes that would fit in here. What’s the big deal?’
He doesn’t get it, and he’s just trying to distract me from the obvious. ‘Why did that woman think you would be here with Todd?’
‘You heard her. She said she was confused.’ Paul looks nervously from side to side.
‘But she knew the suite you were in.’
All this time I was worried about him getting back together with Todd. That the divorce wouldn’t happen. I hadn’t even considered that I would become Todd and he’d become me. I’ve gone from being the fun fling to the one who has to show up at parties and look the other way. How could I have been so stupid? We never talked about being exclusive while we were waiting for his divorce to become final. I get that. If he had had a fling with some random, I could have understood, but Todd?
A man who I think is a butler of some sort walks around with a small bell and politely rings it as he announces. ‘Senator Marco Azul will be delivering remarks in just a few moments. Please join us on the East Patio.’ He rings the bell again.
It takes a second but then I realize how I know that name. ‘Wait. Marco Azul. Isn’t he that awful Republican involved in the Pray Gay Away nonsense?’ I can’t believe I’m attending a fundraiser for a homophobe. What is wrong with Paul? He can’t possibly think this would be okay for him or for me. I think about how my mom wanted me to wear that Say Gay T-shirt for my first date and my resistance to it. I feel ashamed. Who cares if the colors were awful, the message was right.
‘I guess that’s the guy. I mean, yes, it is. But we have some big clients here, and it makes them feel good if gay people support conservative causes.’
‘I don’t want to make them feel good. I don’t support them,’ I say firmly and hear the bell ring on the other side of the room as people empty out.
‘Neither do I,’ Paul says like it’s no big deal. ‘Just remember Sammy I was gay and had a boyfriend when you were still in grade school. This is how you play the game. I’ve been at this a lot longer than you.’
‘At what? Being a hypocrite? Being a liar? There is no way I’m going in there. You can forget it!’ I’m almost shouting I’m so mad. A few people look at us and I can tell Paul is embarrassed.
‘What are you getting so worked up about? It’s a beautiful home, with great catering on a gorgeous night. Who cares if we disagree with the politics? Did you see that raw bar? It’s a mountain of crab and shrimp. Let’s go.’ He laughs like he made a joke when all he did was make himself look like a fool.
‘I’m leaving!’ I shout.
‘Keep your voice down.’ He scolds me and looks around to make sure no one is watching. ‘I don’t need clients to see me with some kid having a temper tantrum.’
‘A kid? Paul, I am a thirty-five-year-old man. I’m not a child.’
‘Then stop acting like one. We all have to do things that we don’t want to do sometimes. That’s how the world works.’ He runs his hand across his beard and closes his eyes for a second. ‘I knew I should have asked Todd to come. It would have been so much easier,’ he whispers under his breath but I hear every word.
‘What did you just say? Are you seriously still involved with Todd. I thought you were getting a divorce. I thought you had a lawyer and we were moving in together in January.’
‘Yes, that’s still the plan. I’ll be in New York in January. Maybe February. March at the latest. These things take time.’
I blink my eyes and stand a few feet from him to look at him. Really look at him. A few hours ago, I was on a rooftop with Finn feeling free, creative, and unlimited. But here I am with the man I thought I wanted to be with, feeling small, unseen, and trapped.
‘She wasn’t confused. Was she?’ Paul knows exactly what I mean but plays dumb.
‘I don’t know what you’re—’
‘Tell me the truth. For once tell me the truth!’ I demand in a voice I have never heard come out of my mouth before. It’s strong, confident and comes from deep in my gut. It feels good to use it. ‘Tell me the truth!’
I can hear the polite smatter of applause for Marco Azul and it makes me even angrier. I wouldn’t want to be caught dead here.
‘Were you in Aspen with Todd?’ I shoot the words at him.
Paul looks at me and says, ‘Yes.’
That’s all I need to hear. He has never once told me the truth. He’s always found a way to avoid it, to make an excuse or concoct a story. He’s been lying to me this whole time. He never intended to get a divorce and I’m not sure he was even serious about moving to New York. He was probably going to just keep me as a side-piece for whenever he was bored or needed a date for some ridiculous event like the disgusting one I am standing at right now.
‘Goodbye Paul.’ I turn to walk out. I can hear him calling after me, telling me that it’s over with Todd, that they only went to ski and that he needs me at the event tonight. It’s background noise, and I keep walking without looking back. I find the driver who brought us here and ask him to hurry back to the hotel. Maybe I can still make things right with Finn.