Chapter 2
“Just come up to the deck and thaw out with me. That practice turned me into a fricken popsicle,” I complained into my phone to Desi, one of my closest friends out here on tour.
She was an ice dancer from England who declared she’d tour ‘til she was eighty, which made us fast friends.
There were always skaters who came on tour for only a year or two, sometimes using it as a gap year between high school and college, and then there were skaters who made touring a way of life—me included.
“Ugh, girl, I told you I was meeting with Brandon to go over some lifts. I’m gonna make this boy a pairs skater or die trying,” she said under her breath. “You don’t want to come watch? I think Brandon likes you,” she sing-songed.
“Well, I think Alyssa likes him,” I countered, which I knew to be true. Her eyes went directly to him each time he entered the room.
“Alyssa? Really?” Desi asked. “Tell me more, babes.”
“You are such a gossip, Desi Franklin,” I said with a laugh.
“Uh, of course I am, so give me all the details, let’s go.”
I laughed. “I’ll tell you when you come up here on deck. I found a good spot for us in the shade. I’m gonna nap. Come find me when you’re done, yeah?”
“Ugh, fine, but just so you know, if Brandon drops me, it’s all your fault.”
I struggled to keep in my laugh. “How could you put that on me? I’m not even there.”
“Exactly, you’re not here, and you’re the best coach of us all.” She let out a dramatic sigh.
“Oh come on, I don’t believe that for a second.” While I really did love coaching, I was way too cold and tired to keep going today. “You’ve got it. But if you really need me, call me again.”
“Fine, fine, fine,” she said before hanging up.
I plugged a headphone into my right ear and cued up some music before dropping my phone in my beach bag and laying back on the lounge chair to enjoy the beautiful July day.
“Um, excuse me,” a woman beside me said, making me slightly jump. She gave me a sheepish smile above her baby’s head, who was slumped up against her shoulder, fast asleep.
“Hi,” I said awkwardly, pulling out my headphone to hear better.
“I didn’t mean to overhear your call, but I’m nosy and couldn’t help it,” she said with a little laugh. “And now I have to ask.” Her eyes lit up with expectation and she lowered her voice to ask, “You mentioned practice, are you one of the ice skaters from last night’s show?”
I grinned to myself. No one in the figure skating world ever really called it “ice skating.” Adding the “ice” to the front of skating or hockey flagged someone as an outsider real quick. “Yeah, I’m skater number five,” I answered her.
Her smile fell a little.
“The one who plays Marilyn Monroe in the show,” I added in a whisper.
Her entire face lit up. “I knew it! My daughter and I absolutely loved the show. We were so obsessed,” she gushed. “She started asking if she could take ice skating lessons.”
My face split into a smile. “Thank you, I’m so glad you guys enjoyed it. Which one is your daughter?”
She proudly pointed to a little girl who had to be around four-years-old in a frilly pink bathing suit in the pool next to a handsome man who looked like he just walked straight off Wall Street. “That’s my Sophia, and that’s my husband, Mark.”
I flinched at the name. “Very cute,” I said, quickly trying to recover. “You should get her in some lessons. I’m sure any local rink would have some Basic Skills classes. I used to coach them back at my home rink.”
“Really?” She bit her lip and looked me up and down. “Wait, okay, not to be rude, but can I ask how old you are?”
“Yeah, thirty-two. Is it that obvious?” I asked with a forced laugh.
Her eyes widened in apology. “Oh my God, no! I’m so sorry if that came off as rude.
” Her hand landed on my arm, making me stiffen.
“I’m also thirty-two, and I cannot imagine throwing my body around the way you did last night.
” She shook her head and let out a little laugh.
“If I even sleep slightly weird I have back problems for days.”
I snorted. “Oh, don’t worry, me too.” It was true.
In the last year, I started to feel the wear and tear I’d put my body through all at once.
My right hip seemed permanently sore and my left knee threatened to give out every time I stood up too abruptly.
It made me question how long I’d actually be able to keep skating at a professional level.
“How cool though.” She shook her head in awe. “You just have total freedom, huh? You just travel from place to place, only worrying about yourself and your skating?”
“Pretty much.” I shrugged.
“Wow,” she breathed out. “You have a magical life,” she said with a little laugh.
“Mommy!” the little girl yelled, distracting the woman. “Watch me! Watch me!”
I stole the opportunity to watch the woman as she watched her daughter.
She had an overflowing diaper bag and beach bag at the foot of her chair, and her black bathing suit cover-up definitely had ice cream and sunblock stains on it.
Her face looked tired, but happy. And then my eyes landed on the baby resting on her shoulder.
The tiny pink lips, the fluff of hair peeking out from his little bucket hat, the teeny crock sandals on his feet.
I wanted so badly to reach out and brush his soft, chubby cheek.
The sudden desire to feel the weight of that tiny head against my own shoulder snuck up on me so fiercely and intensely that my eyes started to water.
I snapped my neck forward.
What the hell was going on with me?
The woman started cheering for her daughter, who popped up from the water with her goggles almost full of water.
“Did you see? Did you see my handstand?” the little girl shrieked.
“I did, honey!” The woman clapped and laughed. She shared an overjoyed look with her husband before focusing back on her daughter. “Wonderful, baby!”
She was so loved, so needed, so wanted.
And she was the same age as me.
I fished my sunglasses out of my bag and quickly shielded my eyes.
“For what it’s worth,” I spoke up, making the woman startle.
It was obvious she completely forgot about my existence, which was refreshing.
Her daughter’s handstand took precedence over everything else in that moment, the way it should be.
“I think you’re the one with the magical life,” I said, trying hard to keep the strain out of my voice.
Her head cocked to the side and her mouth dropped open. She looked like she wanted to say something else but didn’t know what. She settled on a grateful smile.
Laying back, I put in my headphones and tried to lose myself in my music.
Ever since I was little, no matter what song came on, my mind went straight into choreographing a program in my head.
I wondered if I’d still do this little choreography game when I was old and gray and couldn’t skate anymore, or if the habit would slowly die out along with my ability to skate.
But for some reason, today was harder to focus. My mind kept drifting to the woman beside me.
I liked my life. I wanted this life. I was the one who ran away from everyone and everything.
But my running was more out of necessity than desire.
Sure, I loved traveling, but deep down, I could never squelch the feeling that I was a homebody without a home.
Did everyone feel this? Or did I just mess up my life so badly at the start of adulthood that I was doomed to wander for the rest of my life?
Oof. I was thinking way too deeply.
I needed to put all these thoughts in a box and shove them far, far away. There were legitimate reasons I stayed out here on tour. It was safer here, and I couldn’t risk going back.
My life is magical. I’m not missing a single thing, I lied to myself as I drifted to sleep in the shade to the sound of beach music.
The problem though, is that we can lie to ourselves all we want, but when we fall asleep, when we fall totally into our own inner world…
well, that’s when we expose ourselves. Our dreams will always tell the truth.
And that afternoon, I dreamed of the one single thing, the one single person, I knew I’d always miss…