Chapter 6 ALI – WITHWITHOUT YOU #4
“Like I said, he’s sweet to me,” I said with a shrug.
JP rubbed his forehead. “Can I be your friend at least?” he asked.
A little bubble of hope started growing in my chest. “Really?” I asked quietly.
“Of course.” He gave me a soft smile and threw his arm over my shoulders. We fit perfectly together, like two puzzle pieces.
“Well, that’s very sweet of you, Jameson.” I patted his chest while relief flooded my system.
He gave me a lopsided grin. “Yeah, well, I am sweet, Alinna.” Hearing my name from his lips made a shiver skate down my spine.
No one ever used my full name. His jaw flexed.
“Besides, you and Rossi can’t be too serious if your friends don’t even know about him.
” He looked at me in question. He was way too perceptive for his own good. “Right?”
I just shrugged before smoothing away from him to do a couple edge pulls.
No, it wasn’t that serious. It was more like an arrangement, but I didn’t feel like explaining it any further.
“Too bad you don’t go to public school,” I mumbled more to myself.
JP went to the all-guys private school across town.
He glided beside me. “Why would that matter?”
Shit. I stopped skating and rubbed my forehead. “Just saying,” I murmured, hoping to play it off. “A girl could always use more friends.”
He shrugged. “Yeah well, you need the ‘friend’ part before you add ‘boy’ to the front,” he joked, and his cheeks brightened with shyness.
My lips tipped up in an amused smile. “Is that so?”
“Yupp.” His warm breath hung in the frigid air as he studied me with those kind eyes of his. He held his hand out. I took it and he spun me into him. “You can call us whatever you want. I know what we are,” he said with a quiet confidence. His lips curved up into a small, kind grin.
My heart stumbled. I knew I should’ve been skating out of his arms, but I couldn’t seem to make myself. With my back pressed against his large chest, I felt warm, protected.
“Oh yeah?” I asked breathlessly, craning my neck to stare up at his strong jaw. “What’s that?”
His gaze went to our friends. Mer and Colt were kissing in the middle of the frozen lake. Kappy and Piper were talking by the bonfire. Then his eyes dropped down to mine. He gave a soft smile. “Inevitable.”
I almost flew off the back of my skates. JP caught me around the waist a split second before my butt hit the hard ice. With a laugh, he lifted me and easily plopped me back on my blades the way I did with Snowplow Sam toddlers when I was helping at Learn to Skates.
“Thank you, sorry, that was… um…” I stared at him. “That was so smooth.” Forcing a laugh, I swatted at his chest. He was usually so reserved that those words caught me off guard. “I’m shocked.”
His face lit up with a grin. “I’m not, you’re a clumsy little thing.”
“Am not.” I rolled my eyes.
Grinning down at me, he arched an eyebrow. “Didn’t Hans have to call the fire department because you got stuck in the harness a couple weeks ago?”
I gasped. “That was my coach’s fault, not mine!”
He laughed. “Sorry, my mistake.”
“Mean.” I wagged a finger at him, but I couldn’t stop my own grin. “I land on my feet on the ice and that’s the only place that counts,” I said, then scrunched my nose. “Well, I land most of the time anyway.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ve seen.”
I stopped gliding. “You have?”
He nodded shyly. “I like that one jump you land at center ice.”
“My double axel?” I blinked at him in surprise. “You’ve seen my double axel?”
“Yeah, I’ve seen all your stuff.” His smile faltered. “I mean.” He closed his eyes and gave his head a little shake. “That sounded weird. I just mean I’ve watched your program, so I’ve seen…”
I laughed, feeling absolutely elated. No one ever watched me skate besides my parents. That was the tragedy of figure skating—people at school had no idea I was even an athlete. Maybe if they did, they’d be a little nicer, but probably not. “Thank you, JP.”
The tops of his cheeks heated. “No problem.” He did a little mohawk move around me and grabbed my gloved hand. “Let’s go by the fire, it’s getting too cold.”
I stared at our joined hands as I followed after him, the whole time knowing I had no business feeling the little butterflies I was currently feeling.
I decided right then that I’d have to talk with Mark…
__________
But talking to Mark was easier said than done.
Later that night when I was tucked in bed, I heard my bedroom window slide open, and guilt spiraled down my stomach.
While I wanted to end things with him, I felt bad about it.
Mark snuck into my bedroom window a couple nights each week.
This was part of our unspoken arrangement.
He made my life easier at school by tucking me under his arm so no one dared to even utter a mean word to me, and I made his life easier by giving him a place to sleep at night.
I never understood why he needed a place to sleep, and whenever I asked, it led to an argument, so I dropped it.
But if we broke up, he’d have no place to go.
“Hi,” I mumbled sleepily, pulling the covers up to my chin as Mark let in the frigid night air.
“Where were you? I came over like an hour ago and you weren't here,” he said, jumping down into my room with a loud thud.
I froze for a second, hoping my dad wouldn’t wake up. When no sound came, I whispered, “I went pond skating with some friends.” I rubbed my sleepy eyes. My bedside clock read 12 a.m..
He kicked off his shoes and tore off his jacket and t-shirt, exposing his muscular torso. As soon as he was undressed, he crawled up behind me in bed. I flinched slightly at his cold hands.
“Ah, sorry, babe,” he said, stealing his hands back for a second to blow on them. “Which friends did you skate with?”
I forced myself to relax. “Just friends.” I reached behind me and patted his hair.
“Yeah, you said.” He let out a rough chuckle. “Who?”
“Mer and Piper.”
He snorted. “You three went pond skating together?” he asked dubiously.
“Yeah,” I said defensively. “Why not?”
“Who else, Ali?” His rough hand rubbed my upper arm back and forth. He always rubbed in the exact same place over and over, making me almost itch away from his touch. I asked him to change it up sometimes, but he always forgot.
“Hmm Patrick,” I added. “Let’s go to sleep. So tired,” I mumbled.
“Who else?” he pushed.
I rolled my eyes. “The usual boys were there too.”
His hand stopped rubbing and clamped around my upper arm.
“Mark, let go,” I said, trying to shake him off. I tried to turn and face him, but I was stuck there. “Mark,” I repeated, feeling annoyed.
His hold became tighter.
“Mark,” I whispered harshly, shoving against him.
He finally loosened his grip. “Sorry, zoned out. Long day. Those three self-absorbed assholes? Why didn’t you tell me? You were trying to hide it from me?”
“No.” I rubbed my arm and turned to face him. “It just doesn't matter.”
His face creased with concern. “Do I have something to be worried about?”
“No,” I repeated, rolling my eyes. “They were there because Mer is dating Colt, and he’s the one who organized it.
I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d be weird about it, but I really wanted to go.
” I didn’t have many friends. I rarely ever got invited anywhere, and he knew that.
“Can we just go to sleep now?” I asked, feeling irritation gnawing at my insides.
I suddenly wished Mark wouldn't have come tonight.
“It does matter, Ali. I don’t want you hanging out with other guys. You know how that makes me look?”
“Okay, but they’re just friends.” I rubbed my arm again, feeling annoyed as I flipped back around to face my wall.
“Even JP?”
My heart fell.
Mark knew all about my longstanding crush on JP thanks to Kali fricken Beaufort and her big fat mouth. The part of my diary she read aloud for the whole school to hear was unfortunately all about JP.
Sucking in a breath for patience, I said, “Yes, even JP. He’s just a friend. I had a crush on him when I was, like, fourteen, okay?” But even as I said the words, I felt guilt brewing up inside of me.
My mind was tied up in knots, not knowing how to handle this.
Behind me, Mark was all tensed up, making me feel tense.
Part of me felt guilty, like I deserved Mark’s anger because I had been flirting with JP.
Should I be apologizing? Kicking him out?
I wasn’t sure. Did I want him to stay or go?
I was so used to sleeping with him curled up behind me. And did I really want to be alone?
No, I didn’t.
But I had a feeling I needed to be.
Closing my eyes, I gathered up my courage to whisper, “Maybe you should go.”
Instead of leaving, he went eerily still.
“Mark?”
“How was my mom today?” he asked casually.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
And there it was.
The reason I was stuck.
His mom, Katrina, was the best freestyle figure skating coach in Michigan, and more importantly, she was my coach.
Every single rink across the world had a web of connections. I was getting wrapped up and strangled in mine.
The first time I tried to break up with Mark, I was left with no protection at school, which made the bullying worse.
And then the bullying continued at the rink, but this time, coming from my own coach.
I couldn’t take Katrina’s cruel words that she usually reserved for other skaters.
I apologized to Mark that very same night.
“Fine.” I swallowed hard, forcing myself to let go of my irritation. “She was fine.”
“Good,” he said. “C’mere, let me cuddle you. Love you, okay?” His large hand gently rubbed my arm in the exact same place over and over again.
__________
Jeez, that was way too real, I thought. It was like I actually felt the weight of a man behind me, just like in that dream. I tried to drift back to sleep, but that’s when I saw it: A hand.
A man’s hand.
Draped over my body.
Oh no.
No, no, no.
It was real.
He found me.
Panic coursed through my body, making my heart pound painfully in my chest. Without thinking, I scrambled out of bed and darted to the other side of the room, hitting my tower of books in the process and making them tumble down around me.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and covered my head, wanting to block everything out and just disappear.
What the fuck was going on? Why was my head pounding so bad? Why did my mouth and throat feel as dry and scratchy as sandpaper?
A second later, I could sense him in front of me.
He reached to touch me, but I flinched back.
“Alinna,” he said softly, and everything stopped.
That one word released me from my panic. Besides my immediate family, JP was the only one who ever used my full name.
Memories of last night suddenly crashed into me like a tidal wave, making the vice-like grip around my heart finally loosen.
“You good?”
Still closing my eyes, I nodded quickly.
JP collapsed down next to me and released a deep breath.
A few minutes later, I finally dared to open my eyes. A very shirtless, very muscular JP was on the ground next to me, his head tipped back against the wall, almost sleeping.
As soon as he noticed me looking at him, he rubbed his sleepy eyes. “You okay?”
I held my chest and released a strained chuckle. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I never drink that much. And I never ever invite anyone back here. I kind of forgot, and then I saw your hand, and I just thought…” I shook my head. “Sorry, I really freaked out.”
His eyebrows pinched together, like he was trying to understand. “My hand?” He lifted his right arm to inspect his hand.
“A guy hand,” I corrected.
I could practically see the moment the realization dawned on him. “Oh.” He tucked his hand beneath him, as if he could hide it.
Embarrassment slammed into me. I folded my hands over my face. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, this was…I just got confused. Bad dream, and I… You have great hands,” I tried, feeling awkward.
He arched an eyebrow. “Now I’m doubting it,” he said with a forced chuckle.
“Please put them back on me?” I joked.
His eyes darted over to me before his face softened. “Yeah, c’mere,” he said, holding out a hand to help me to my feet. “It’s early, let’s rest a few more minutes.”