Chapter 19 Nothing’s Changed
“You warm enough?” he asked after a beat of silence.
“M’fine,” I murmured, even though it was tempting to swipe the hoodie laying on the backseat of his fancy new truck. The old me would’ve snatched it up without a second thought or permission. But that version of me, as well as his old rickety truck, were long gone.
Besides, I wasn’t a strong enough woman to be surrounded by his scent and not completely fold to anything he wanted.
I needed to keep my head because I wasn’t even sure what I wanted.
I couldn’t forget that the last time he saw me he was practically breaking up with me with the clichéd “too busy with hockey” line.
I turned to stare out the window as we drove around the impressive Chicago skyline. “What happened to your old truck?”
“It’s back at Herb’s.”
Silence filled the air, which I knew made him uncomfortable, but I wasn't about to jump in and help him.
“It’s just sitting there taking up space, drives my dad crazy.
” He raked a hand over his short hair. He always buzzed it at the start of a season, so it was shorter than the last time I’d seen him, and he somehow looked even better.
I hated that he could pull off a buzzcut better than male models.
“I couldn’t bring myself to sell it. Too many memories. ”
Past snippets of our teen selves bumping along dirt roads while singing U2 songs swamped my brain and nostalgia squeezed my heart. I closed my eyes, willing it all away. I couldn’t let old memories cloud my judgement, not while I still needed to figure out our future. “So, where are we going?”
“There’s a pretty good food spot near my place. I live in West Loop,” he explained. “There’s a lot of new restaurants and shops down here. I think you’ll like it.”
Why would that matter? The question was on the tip of my tongue, but I wasn’t ready to unleash all the thoughts in my head just yet.
After he parked on a side street, I followed him into a swanky looking lobby of a building with dark leather couches, exposed brick, and unique lighting fixtures.
To the right, people were busy working on laptops in front of a coffee stand.
To the left was a brick hallway with a sign for Scottie’s Bar and Grille.
JP reached for my hand, but I tucked my hands in my pockets. He lost the right to hold my hand after his last night on the cruise.
“Sorry.” His throat bobbed with a swallow. He nodded to the left. “Let’s go to Scottie’s.”
The hallway led to a large bar area with numerous flat screens, a fully stocked bar, and vinyl booths lining the walls.
He chose a middle booth and I slowly slid in across from him.
“They have really good cheeseburgers,” he said, reaching for a menu, and that’s when I noticed his hand.
Not the hand with the rose tattoo—that was still there, taunting me of our good time together.
But his other hand. It was now tattooed with a shield that resembled a coat of arms with his last name carefully woven into the design.
“That’s new,” I said quietly.
“What? Oh.” He glanced down at his hand. “No one will ever confuse me again.” He smirked.
My whole body froze. “You did that because of me?”
He shrugged.
“JP.” I held my temples. “I don’t understand you.” He was breaking up with me one moment, then going out and getting a tattoo because of me the next? “The last time I saw you, you were practically dumping me. Nothing’s changed.”
His grey eyes seared into mine. “A lot has changed.” When I started to speak up, he continued on, “But don’t worry. We’ll take it one step at a time.”
He went back to reading the menu, but I stared straight ahead, my mind threatening to spin out of control with a million different hypotheticals. He was way too calm about this situation. Then again, it wasn’t his whole life that was changing. It was mine.
“Relax Al,” he said, still scanning the menu. “I always wanted a coat of arms, I just didn’t know where to put it. You inspired me when it came to the placement.”
When the waitress wandered over with two glasses of water, he gave her a kind smile and placed an order of two cheeseburgers and a basket of fries to split.
“Thank you,” I breathed out.
He nodded. “So, you have no plans?”
I scoffed. “Is it that obvious?”
His face tightened in sympathy. “How about you come stay with me for a couple days. Just relax, let things settle for a second, get your feet back under you.”
I was shaking my head before he could finish the offer. “I’m just going to drive back to my parents’ house.”
A muscle jumped in his jaw. “Back to Michigan? You haven’t been back there since…” he trailed off and shook his head. “No, don’t do that.”
“Excuse me?” I folded my arms in front of my chest, challenging him with a glare.
“Sorry, that came out wrong.” He rubbed his forehead. “I know I’m in no place to ask you anything, but I’d really rather you not go back there without me. Please,” he tacked on.
“You’re right. You are in no place to ask,” I said, taking a sip of my water. “You just don’t want me to go back because I’m pregnant with your…” I waved a hand in front of my face. I couldn’t bring myself to say it yet. Saying it would make it that much more real.
“No.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “Pregnant or not, I wouldn’t want you to go back there alone. Not until we check up on his location.”
The waitress approached our table with the basket of fries and we both fell silent.
“If you don’t want to stay with me, that’s fine, but could you stay at Mer or Piper’s until we figure this out? Or I could get you a hotel if you want? I’d go back to Michigan with you, but I can’t miss games.” He rubbed his jaw. “We need some time to figure everything out.”
“There’s really not much to—” The scent of the fries hit my nose, making me gag. They smelled abhorrent. I tried to go for my water, but I just gagged again.
“Shit, you okay?” His face held so much sympathy that in a normal situation, I probably would’ve laughed.
I thought I settled the feeling, but a second later, I slapped a hand over my mouth and bolted out of the booth for the bathroom.
By the time I finally came back to the table, the cheeseburgers, including his, were untouched on the table.
“You sure you’re ready to go to your parents?” he asked, handing me the ketchup.
“Why?”
“Hate to be the one to tell ya, but it’s fairly obvious once you start barfing.”
I slumped lower in the booth and held my pounding head. “You love that you’re the one to tell me,” I mumbled.
“No,” he sobered. “I really don’t, Ali. Please don’t…”
“What?”
“That makes it sound like I trapped you.” His face looked pained.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen. I thought we were careful.
” His grey eyes closed. “And please don’t think I only want you around because of…
” His eyes dipped to my abdomen. “I wanted so badly to steal you from that cruise ship. And now it feels like I did, and I don’t…
” He rubbed a hand over his head. “I’m sorry, Ali.
I didn’t mean for this to happen,” he repeated.
My body went eerily still as I took in the information. “You wanted to steal me from the ship? But instead, you broke it off with me? Make it make sense, JP.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
He shrunk back, looking awfully guilty. “You looked so happy. I was so fucking proud of you, of the life you built for yourself, and I didn’t want to be the one to take it from you.”
I stared at him. “That’s why you didn’t want to try long distance? Because I looked happy?” Frustration swelled up inside of me. “Did you ever think maybe I looked happy because you were there?”
His mouth dropped open, but no words came out, telling me that no, that thought hadn’t occurred to him.
And while part of me wanted to throw my cold water at him for being so absolutely infuriating, the other half of me wanted to hug him for not realizing his worth, for not realizing that just his presence alone was enough to make someone happy.
“You should’ve talked to me, JP,” I said forcefully. “We could’ve—” I cut myself off. It didn’t matter now. We couldn’t backslide. We needed to figure out a way forward.
He stared down at his calloused hands and nodded. “I’m sorry.”
I rolled my eyes. “Now you’re making me feel bad for you.” I blew out a breath. “I’m the one who’s life and body is getting all rearranged right now.”
He nodded quickly. “I am sorry, did I say that, yet? I am. If it were the other way around and I was the one pregnant, I’d be freaking the fuck out.”
I tentatively picked up my burger, really hoping it wouldn’t make me sick because it smelled heavenly. “You would?”
“Yes, I swear,” he said with sincere eyes. “Please let me help. Let me in the foxhole with you, yeah?”
Taking in a shaky breath, I nodded slowly, but I still had my reservations.
“Okay, you can help me figure out the…” I swallowed hard, “the baby situation, but that’s all.
” He looked like he wanted to argue, but I powered on.
“I don’t want things to get messy between us.
We’re friends, and that’s it, okay? The baby comes first. I can’t afford to fall apart again when you suddenly decide you’re too busy with hockey again.
” I knew it was a dig, and while it felt wrong to say anything that would make him uncomfortable, I forced myself to sit with the slight guilt.
I forced myself to be strong enough to care more about my own comfort than his.
His forehead creased. “Ali, that was just an excuse. It’s always been an excuse. I only said that because I was—”
“It doesn't matter why you said it, it only matters that you did, and it hurt, JP. You should feel lucky I’m even giving you this.”
His face flinched. “Yeah, you’re right.”
I hated that a little part of my heart died when he didn’t argue more, but deep down, I knew it was for the best. We were good as friends. We could handle a baby together as friends.
“We’re good as friends,” JP said, echoing my thoughts. He gave me a kind smile, but it didn’t make it up to his eyes.