Chapter 26
The car ride back to Colt and Mer’s place was tense and silent. I wanted to talk everything out with Ali, but I was white-knuckling the steering wheel, driving cautiously through the first snowstorm of the season.
“Can you see all right?” Ali asked worriedly. “It looks like we’re in the start of a Star Wars movie. Like the snowflakes are the stars and we’re zooming forward, you know what I mean?”
I did know what she meant, but I was too focused to reply. The pick-up truck next to us laid on the horn as he sped past us.
“Asshole,” Ali muttered. “Just take your time,” she said softly. “Go the speed you’re comfortable with. You’ve got it.”
I could feel sweat forming on my brow as I nodded. I was never this nervous to drive in the snow, but something about having a pregnant woman in my front seat had my heart hammering in my chest.
I spotted the turn off for West Loop and wished for the millionth time that Ali was coming back to my place instead of Colt’s. Dropping her off felt all wrong. I hated the separation between us, and I needed to make it right. I just had to wait until after we were safely parked.
As soon as we pulled off the highway, Ali relaxed a little in the shotgun seat. “That was a little tense, wasn’t it?” she said with a little laugh. “I haven’t driven in snow in about a decade. Good job.”
I gave a small smile of thanks as I navigated through Colt and Mer’s subdivision. As soon as I had my truck in park, I laid my head against the wheel and breathed a sigh of relief.
Ali let out a little laugh and moved to exit the car. “Thank you for driving, JP.”
“Wait, Ali,” I said hurriedly. “Can we talk? Please?” I couldn’t go another night with all this awkward tension between us.
She slowly sat back in her seat and rolled her lips together.
“Okay, I was going to drop it all, but…” Her nose flared with a breath.
“At first, I was going to yell at you. Just because I’m here in Chicago doesn't mean you get to call the shots, JP. You had no right to bombard Niko with all those texts. What if I went out with a stranger tonight? You wouldn’t have been able to do that.
You and I are just friends, JP, and I was having a perfectly fun night. But then—”
“I know that, and I’m sorry,” I interrupted her. “Sorry.” I shook my head. “But then?”
“But then…” She chewed on her bottom lip.
“I realized that I didn’t take into account how everything in the past affected you too.
And that’s not fair of me.” Her shoulders fell.
“And I can understand why you’d be nervous.
And I’m sorry for that.” She reached to touch me, then pulled back.
I wanted to grab her hand back. “But you can’t have it both ways.
You don’t get to be jealous when you were the one who said you didn’t want me,” she said softly.
“That was before—”
“Before you knew I was pregnant, I know,” she said uneasily.
“No, Ali,” I said forcefully. “I made a huge mistake. A mistake that I tried to fix as soon as I left that ship.”
“As soon as you left? With the note? That was sweet, but that wasn’t you admitting anything, JP. That was basically saying we were still friends after everything, which I really, truly appreciated, but—”
“The note?” I shrunk back. “No. I tried to call and text you a million times the week I got off the cruise. I knew as soon as I left the ship that I was making a huge mistake. I almost booked another fucking week because I was going out of my mind. I only stopped leaving messages because it felt like I was being pushy and creepy. After everything you’ve been through, I didn't want to be that guy. I didn’t want to freak you out or make you feel cornered. ”
She turned her gaze to the windshield and watched the snow fall for a second, seemingly lost in thought. A minute later, her eyes narrowed on my face. “You never said you wanted me back. I never got a single text or call saying that.”
My heart felt like it was exploding in my chest. I rummaged in my jacket pocket for my phone and pulled it out. I started searching back through our texts. With a stubborn pout on her face, she did the same thing.
“Look, absolutely nothing before I came back for Hans’ funeral,” she said, shoving her phone at me.
“Look,” I said, scrolling through about a hundred blue bubbles under her name that went unanswered.
Her mouth dropped open.
“They say delivered, Ali,” I said helplessly.
“Oh my God.” Her hand flew to her chest. “You only texted for a week.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry.” I hung my head. “I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know want to scare you or suffocate you, I didn’t know—”
“And Mer and Piper didn’t know you were texting me,” she said, staring straight forward.
I blew out a sigh. “No, I didn't tell them. I didn’t want to make it difficult for you.”
Her face pinched in pain. “If you did, they would’ve told you I went out with Desi the night we docked in Charleston and I accidentally left my phone at a bar.
I thought I misplaced it in my room and didn’t realize I left it until we were back out to sea the next morning.
I couldn’t get a new phone for about a week and a half. ”
My forehead creased. “But you would’ve gotten the messages when you got a new phone.”
“That’s cute,” she said sheepishly.
“What?”
“That’s cute you think I'm responsible enough to make sure my messages were backing up. My storage was full. I lost about a month or two of messages and pictures. I lost the pictures we took together. I told myself it was a good thing, a blessing in disguise,” she said, her voice raspy with emotion.
My heart pretty much bottomed out.
“I couldn’t be reminded of you without crying and feeling sick to my stomach.” She waved a hand in front of her teary face with a snort. “Now I realize it was the added hormones.”
“So, you didn’t get my messages.”
She slowly shook her head. “No, what did you say?” she asked in a small voice.
“You can read them yourself if you want, but I said…” I swallowed hard. This was it. This was my chance to lay it all out there. “I said I was an asshole,” I blurted out.
“Yeah?” She let out a little laugh and wiped her nose. “What else?”
I looked over at her in the passenger seat.
Her nose and eyes were red from tearing up, but the glow of Christmas lights from Colt and Mer’s house behind her made her look like an angel.
She was the same girl I fell in love with so many years ago, but there were key differences this time around—one being, I wasn’t messing up this time.
I’d fight for us, I’d fight for our happy ending. I sucked in a deep breath for courage.
“And I said I have loved you for what feels like my whole fucking life, but I’ve always been too afraid of ruining things.
I’ve been too afraid of distance, of feelings.
” I shook my head. “When I was young, I used to tell myself that I was too afraid of hurting you. But I think I was also afraid of you hurting me. I knew if you ever left me, I’d fall the fuck apart.
I wouldn’t be able to take it. So, it was safer to keep you away.
Because you’re it for me. I don’t want anyone else.
I have never wanted anyone else. And I broke it off with you in July because I was afraid of the potential hurt it would cause both of us in the long run.
But Ali—” My voice cracked, but I had to push on.
“I don’t think anything has ever hurt as badly as being near you but not being able to hold you. ”
She swatted a tear away. “You really said all of that?”
“Well, except for that last part, I just added that.” I swore under my breath and wiped my eyes.
“Ali, I didn’t know you were pregnant when I said all of that.
And if you give me one more chance, just one more, I vow to never ever make excuses or keep my thoughts or feelings from you ever again, okay?
I’m saying it all, no matter what. Unless…
” I swallowed hard. “Unless you don’t want that anymore. Unless I ruined it for good.”
She rolled her lips together, struggling to contain emotion as she shook her head no. My whole body went numb.
I wrecked it. I wrecked us beyond repair.
“You c-can’t,” she stuttered. Her face broke with tears and my heart dropped. I stared at the fat snowflakes that completely covered my windshield, wondering how I’d ever be able to move from this spot.
Her soft hand came up to hold my cheek, pulling my forehead to hers. “You can’t ruin it, JP.” Her lips twisted into a bittersweet smile as more tears filled her eyes. “You can’t ruin it with the right person.”
“I’m the right person?” My voice came out so thick I barely recognized it.
Her eyes softened. “You’ve always been the right person, JP.”
Our lips crashed together.
The kiss was equal parts frantic and passionate. I never wanted it to end, but I also wanted more.
“Inside?” I whispered against her lips, and she nodded hurriedly.
Hopping out of my truck, I ran around the hood to get to her, almost slipping on the icy driveway in the process. I just didn’t want to be away from her for even a second.
As soon as I reached her, I hoisted her up in my arms, making her laugh.
By the time we reached Colt’s porch, her hair and eyelashes were completely covered in snowflakes.
After entering the dark, silent foyer, I carefully closed the door behind us, trying hard not to wake anyone.
We both quietly ripped off our shoes and jackets, then I was picking her up, holding her against the wall, pushing into another kiss.
I loved feeling her smile against my lips.
Her legs immediately wrapped around me as I pressed deeper into the kiss. All I saw was her, all I felt was her.
“Finally,” I murmured against her skin. I couldn't help it. I wasn’t holding back my thoughts or feelings from her ever again.
“Finally,” she agreed with a nod. She trailed her nail down my neck, making my entire body shiver with desire.
Kissing her again, I rocked into her, and the gasp that left her lips lit my entire body on fire.
“More,” she whispered. “My room.”
“Yeah?” I asked, feeling way too excited.
With a nod, she wrapped her arms tighter around me and giggled into my neck as I clumsily climbed the stairs.
As soon as we reached their hallway, I let her body slide down mine, but I needed to kiss her again. Holding her jaw, I gently pinned her against the wall as I kissed down her neck.
“JP,” she breathed out, going limp against me.
My hand found her doorknob, but just before I turned it, the sound of another door cracking open stopped me dead in my tracks.
“That’s Ali’s room.”
Hearing those words felt like a bucket of cold water was just dumped on me.
Ali’s eyes widened comically wide. I shielded her from view while I inconspicuously straightened her dress.
Turning, I was met with Lucy in her little pajama gown and slippers with a deep frown on her face. “You’re a boy, you can’t go in there.” She pointed to Ali’s room behind us.
The door at the end of the hall opened and Colt popped his head out. His eyes bounced around the hall, taking in the scene. He slowly grinned. “What’s going on out here, huh?”
Lucy let out an exasperated sigh and folded her arms in front of her chest. “I was going to get some water when I found them. JP is trying to go in Ali’s room, but he’s a boy.” She gave me a dark look.
My mouth dropped open, but I had no excuse. That is exactly what I was trying to do.
“Oh, is he now?” Colt struggled to hide his shit-eating grin. “We know that’s not allowed, right?” He walked out and grabbed his daughter’s hand and started wandering down the stairs. “Goodnight you two,” he said with a chuckle.
Lucy was still frowning at me, like I was a rule-breaker.
Ali dropped her forehead on my chest and her body collapsed in giggles.
“We have the worst luck,” I said dryly.
When her body finally settled, she looped her arms around my neck. “You heard her, you’re not allowed in here. You better go.”
My shoulders fell. Damnit. My hand dropped to her waist. I never wanted to stop touching her. “You don’t want to come back to my place?”
“I do, but I'm honestly so tired. If I fall asleep in your truck, I'll hurt my neck again.”
My hand went to her neck and gently rubbed. “Again? You hurt it before?”
She groaned. “That feels so good.”
“Ali,” I warned, shifting in front of her again so she could feel how hard she was making me.
She slapped a hand to her mouth. “Sorry, sorry.”
I struggled to stop my own grin. I’d never felt quite so happy, relieved, and disappointed all at the same time.
“Tomorrow,” she said before going to her tiptoes to plant a kiss on my jaw.
“Tomorrow,” I said with a deep breath.
She struggled to hold back a yawn. “Sorry, I’m so tired. Pregnancy is kind of kicking my ass. You think you’ll be okay to drive back? Did the snow stop?”
My hand rested on her abdomen, and I dropped a kiss on her forehead, making her hum in satisfaction. “Yeah, I'll take the backroads. I'll come get you in the morning?”
“Yeah.” She gave a small smile. “That sounds good.”
“Goodnight, Ali.”
She bit her lip to hide her grin. “G’night, JP.”
I waited in the stairwell until she closed the door behind her. I sat there staring for a beat, feeling insanely grateful for how this night went, but wishing more than anything that we were ending the night together. I never wanted to spend another night without her ever again.
Woah, wait…
I blew out a breath. I needed to get a grip on myself.
There would be nights coming up real soon that we’d be apart because I’d be on the road with my team.
But honestly, if she had a problem with it, I’d quit in a heartbeat.
I was done putting hockey first. Our family was now my number one priority.
There was more to life than the rink. And for the first time since July, I had hope.
I had hope that we’d figure it out together.
“I love you,” I whispered at the door.
The floor creaked behind me. I whipped my neck around to see Lucy and Colt, both wearing identical sheepish smiles on their faces.
“Did you guys hear that?” I demanded.
They both nodded.
I dropped my head.
“No, no, it’s okay, don’t worry,” Colt whispered. He made a zipped lip motion and threw the “key” over his shoulder. Lucy quickly copied his motions with a giggle.
I raked a hand over my hair and sighed. “At least you two are better than Kappy,” I muttered to myself while walking down their stairs.