Chapter 32 ALI - MICHIGAN
The night before JP and I were supposed to drive back to Michigan for Thanksgiving, I tossed and turned in bed, trying to find a comfortable position to relax and fall asleep, but as the hours ticked by, I had to accept that it just wasn’t happening.
“You okay?” JP groggily whispered at one point.
“Yeah, all good,” I quickly responded, not wanting to fully wake him. He needed good sleep for his recovery.
Sitting up, I leaned my elbows on my knees and stared out the window to see the bright city skyline. JP had blackout curtains, but I loved keeping them open when we fell asleep because he had a beautiful view of the morning sunrise.
While Michigan was only four hours from here, it felt like it was a million miles away—and I wanted it to stay that way.
I really wished we would’ve invited our families here to Chicago for Thanksgiving instead of us going back to Michigan, but there wouldn’t be enough room for everyone here in JP’s flat.
When I finally laid back down, JP immediately curled around me. With his strong arm anchoring me, I felt safe, and my body finally relaxed. I loved that even in his sleep, he wanted to be near me.
When sleep finally found me, I was transported back to another time in my life when I struggled to sleep…
_________
2013
“I wish I was a bird. They’re so free.” I watched them fly high above the rink in the bright blue sky. “They can fly away to wherever their heart desires,” I said with a wistful sigh.
JP’s silence brought my eyes back down to him, and I was shocked to see him scowling.
But no matter how hard or angry he tried to look, his eyes couldn’t fully go there.
He had these long eyelashes that framed soft, kind eyes.
He looked up at the sky and ran his tongue across his teeth, weighing his words.
“You have legs, Ali,” he said forcefully. “You can run.”
“It’s not that simple,” I whispered, the words burning my throat.
“But it is,” he pushed, sounding exasperated. “It is that simple.”
Hoping he’d drop it, I laid my head against his strong shoulder. Each time he came back to the Centre Ice between hockey seasons, he seemed to add a ton of muscle.
I’m not sure how long we sat there together in peaceful silence, taking in the August morning, but it was long enough that I was almost falling asleep on him.
“For what it’s worth,” he whispered so softly I almost couldn’t hear, “you can always be a bird with me.” He dropped a kiss on my hair. “I’d never trap you.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself not to cry, but it was no use.
“When do you have to go?” I asked. JP finally got called up to the AHL, where Colt and Kappy were already playing.
I knew he’d be unreachable as soon as he left this bench.
Over the years, he’d left multiple times to play hockey in different cities, but he always came back here in the summers.
This time would be different. I think we both knew it, too. He was becoming a star.
He swallowed hard and rolled his shoulders back.
“About two hours ago.” Blowing out a breath, he stood and beeped his truck in the parking lot.
“I wanna stay, but…” He shook his head. “I gotta get going, Al.” As we stared at each other on the sidewalk, his eyes glassed over.
“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, breaking eye-contact to rub his eyes.
I walked straight into his chest and his arms automatically wrapped around me.
My shoulders shook from my own tears. I didn’t want to let him go, but I knew I couldn’t hold on to him either.
It was ironic, really. I was the one who wanted to fly away, but I had to stay here for my dreams. He wanted to stay here in Michigan, but he needed to leave for his.
“Just promise me one thing,” he said.
I looked up at him.
His chest heaved with a breath. “Don’t move in with Rossi, okay?”
“JP,” I sighed.
“Please, Ali. I don’t trust him.” His grey eyes bore into me.
“I know you don’t.” I rested my forehead against his chest and took in a deep breath. Pulling away from him, I twisted my fingers into a knot. “I don’t have plans to move in with him.”
He stared at my fingers for a brief second before forcing himself to look away. His jaw tightened. “This is your last season, right?”
“Yeah, it’s my last shot.” I had one more chance to make an Olympic run in February. Either way, I was retiring from competitive figure skating next year.
“Okay.” His jaw hardened and he forced himself to take a step back. “Be safe, Ali. Call me if you need anything.”
I gave a hurried nod and quickly turned away. I didn’t want to cry anymore and make this harder than it was. I needed to get it together. He wasn’t my boyfriend. No, my actual boyfriend, Mark, was somewhere inside the rink. But JP…
JP was my best friend.
And I loved him.
But we couldn’t be together. The only times there was tension between us was when we tried to date, so we never tried again. He was too important to me. Our relationship was too important to me, and I think he felt the same way.
Besides, my love for JP was different than my love for Mark.
Mark was all fire. Hot passion that burned so bright it occasionally threatened to burn me, but I was addicted anyway.
JP was a fireplace, always keeping me safe and warm.
___________
There was a reason JP made that final request before he left.
Because it was obvious it was going to happen.
So when Mark asked me to move in with him that fall, I said yes, even though I knew in the back of my mind that I was betraying JP. It wasn’t that I really wanted to move in with Mark. I just didn’t want to be alone.
A girl could do some very stupid things to avoid loneliness.
I just so happened to do all of them.
But in the beginning, it was nice living with Mark.
It felt like I was living in a happy little bubble.
It was nice to come home to someone. It was nice that he cooked dinner for us most nights.
And it was nice to fall asleep next to him, even though he didn’t particularly like cuddling the way I did.
He’d only cuddle if he wanted something from me.
Most nights, he kept his distance from me in bed and complained I made him too hot if I tried to get closer.
On those nights, I unfortunately felt lonelier than if I would’ve actually been alone.
But he was right next to me. I had to appreciate that.
And I had no room to complain because things were going great for everyone.
Anastasia and her partner already won an early bye to the 2014 Nationals in California.
Piper and Patrick were the next to make it by winning the Grand Prix.
Mer and her partner, Andy, won sectionals, giving them the green light to book their flights.
And then there was me.
I fell on my very last jump at sectionals. A double axel. A jump I’d been doing since the age of twelve.
I placed fourth. One spot short of making it to Nationals.
But in a weird twist of fate, the girl who placed third sustained an injury while training—something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
And I suddenly had my own ticket to California booked to hopefully make the 2014 Olympic team with my friends.
I just had to keep my head down and keep grinding for two more months—until Nationals in January.
Tonight was one of the nights that Mark actually wanted me, probably because the alcohol I could smell on his breath.
“I just love you so much,” he said with heavy eyes. “But I feel like I'm going to lose you as soon as the rest of the world knows you.”
“The rest of the world?”
“Yeah, you’re gonna make the Olympic team and I’m going to lose you,” he said in a gruff voice.
Red flags shot up in my head. The only times he lost it was when he was feeling insecure in our relationship. He hadn’t lost it in over a year. Not since he felt threatened by JP when he came home with a broken jaw.
“That’s not going to happen,” I said, brushing his dark hair back. “I’m happy. We’re happy.” I mustered up my best sweet smile.
He grasped my wrist. “We could get married.”
My hand froze in his hair. “W-what?”
“Marry me, baby,” he said passionately. I could practically see the wheels spinning in his head. “This will be perfect. Do you want to? We could. We should.”
It felt like a frog was lodged in my throat. As the seconds ticked by, his face grew harder and his grasp on my wrist tightened. I needed to respond, to say something, but I wasn’t sure what.
“D-do you really think that’s a good idea?” I finally forced out.
“It’s perfect, Ali. Why not? You like living here, right? You like being with me, right?”
I hesitated.
Ali?” He said my name like he was being betrayed. “Why wouldn’t you want to?” He dropped my wrist and rolled up to a sitting position on the bed. “Is there someone else?”
“What? No,” I said hurriedly. I immediately rubbed his back, trying to soothe him. “We’re just really young.”
“We are, but when you know, you know, right?” He studied my face and it felt like I was in some sort of interrogation. “Why not? Is there someone else?” he asked again.
“No,” I said, right as JP slammed into my mind.
I squeezed my eyes shut to clear my head as quickly as possible.
I couldn't even let myself think of him. If Mark suspected someone else, this would turn into a horrible night. “I’m just surprised,” I said shakily.
“You’ve never talked about marriage before. ”
His eyes narrowed. “I’ve always thought we were going to get married. Why does it matter when we do it?”
I suddenly felt lightheaded. My hands were going tingly, like I was holding my breath. I didn’t want to argue with him. We were so happy. I just wanted to stay happy. “O-okay.”
His face relaxed by a fraction, but he was still studying me. “I’ll get you a ring, baby.” He pulled me close to kiss me. It took me a second to reciprocate, but he either didn’t notice or didn’t care. “We could do it soon. You want to, right? We’ll do it before Nationals.”
My head spun. Marriage wasn’t even on my radar. I was only 20. I wasn’t sure if it was something I even wanted. But if it would make my life easier before the lead up to Nationals, then I’d do it. “I-I guess.”
“Perfect.” He planted a sloppy kiss on my lips, and I forced myself to laugh. “I love you so much, Ali. We’re going to be so happy. Just wait until my mom hears the news.” He smiled proudly. “Okay, let’s get to bed. We’ll figure out the details tomorrow.”
When he laid back in bed, he faced the door. I turned to the wall. For once, I liked not facing him.
Did I want to marry Mark?
I wasn’t sure.
But he was sure about me, and wasn’t that more important?
Mark wanted me, and he wasn’t afraid to say it—what was so bad about that? If we got married, he’d feel more secure, and we’d be happy going into Nationals.
If I said no, the ripple effect would surely ruin my shot. The break up would mess with my head, and Katrina would probably make it a point to make it more painful.
Why create an unnecessary mess?
The problem was that I was so consumed by figure skating that I couldn't see life beyond Nationals. I built my entire life around trying to get to the Olympics. That was my only goal, and it blinded me to everything else in life. It didn’t really even register to me that the marriage, or even my life, would move on beyond that point in time…
The other problem was sleep.
Starting that night, my body refused to fully sleep.
I closed my eyes, pretending to sleep until it happened. But it barely happened. My body was tense and stuck on alert, and it refused to shut off.