Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Sabrina
Sabrina had never received multiple messages from a boy.
Not even when she had started her friendship with Dave at the beginning of the summer.
The only two people who really ever messaged her were Lee Lee and Kit.
But this summer, her circle had grown. She heard from Eva Kim sometimes, who sent her funny videos from YouTube and links to newspaper articles about Asian hate crimes.
Now, she found herself opening her phone in the morning to seventeen messages from Dave Harrison.
At first, she felt a snap of happiness, the same rush she had felt all summer at the sight of his name.
And then as her eyes grew accustomed to the morning light, an enormous sadness exploded in her heart as she remembered what had happened between them.
That he had not returned her feelings, that her heart was broken.
She stared at the alert on the home screen, 17 new messages .
She turned her phone face down again and rolled over and curled herself up into a ball.
She had another twenty minutes before she would have to get up for her shift at the club.
She wanted to speak to Eva Kim, not her mother, not her friend Kit, who had just returned aglow with the rosy hue of a summer of love, a reciprocated love, and whom she had also shouted at in front of the club.
She would have to explain herself. She couldn’t bring herself to do it yet.
But now, the only person’s voice she wanted to hear was Eva Kim’s.
She wanted to hear her swear and call Dave a fucking douchebag .
Sabrina reached underneath her mattress and looked at the envelope from Princeton.
The soft padding under her hand gave her comfort; inside there was a promise of escape.
Eva had made some calls, as she promised she would.
She had been holding on to the envelope for three days now, as though it were a fine, delicate, fragile piece of glass so thin that the tiniest mishandling would cause it to shatter in her fingertips, into a thousand piercing shards.
She would accept her place, and take the financial aid that was offered to her.
This much she had agreed with Eva. This much she owed herself for how hard she had worked.
She told herself this, but it was Eva’s voice that actually said the words.
It would be some time yet until it was her own voice saying it or believing it.
···
Sabrina showered, brushed her hair, dressed herself in the same uniform she had worn every day that summer.
There was a stain on the hem of her T-shirt she tried to ignore; it was always the teas and the sodas that splashed her clothes as she cleared things away in the clubhouse.
She felt tired as she brushed her teeth and stared at her reflection in the mirror.
Her eyes were puffy, with dark circles underneath that took on a bluish tinge.
She didn’t open any of Dave’s messages, even though she wanted to see what he had to say.
When Sabrina arrived at work, the heat and sun of the day felt like a dusty haze that settled over everything, the summer apocalypse.
Everything felt magnified and slow. She wiped down the tables in the clubhouse, she tuned out the noise the children made as they rushed in for the Sprites and cookies.
She ignored the caps and wristbands that were thrown around among them.
She ignored the call from Lee Lee, and the message asking Sabrina to collect her eczema cream from the CVS pharmacy on her way home.
She ignored the three missed calls from Kit as she sat on a bench overlooking the soccer fields staring at the tuna fish sandwich that became warm and flaccid in her hands.
It was easier to be numb. She wanted to feel nothing.
She wanted to erase everything that had happened between her and Dave this past summer.
She wished she’d never responded to his first message.
A message from Kit: Rina, pick up. I just want to talk.
She stared at the message. Kit was typing again. I can see you’re online.
Sabrina smiled. No matter how angry she felt at Kit for any given time, her love for their friendship sometimes leaked out of her, like a dripping faucet that couldn’t be stopped. It was always there.
I’m sorry I shouted at you, you got caught in the crossfire. And I’m sorry for other things.
Sabrina finally replied.
You don’t need to be sorry. I’m just checking you’re ok.
Sabrina started to cry again. She didn’t expect her friend to be kind.
She expected Kit to be angry at how everything had unraveled between Dave and her.
But instead, Kit’s attention was elsewhere now.
She didn’t trust that Kit would forget Dave entirely after so long, but maybe Ryo had changed things?
For the second time in Sabrina’s life, she wanted a drink.
She wanted to buy a bottle of wine and drink it alone and fall asleep and feel nothing for the next few days. The day dragged by.
“Kid, you look like the saddest person I’ve ever seen. Not a young woman who’s about to start Princeton with full funding.”
Sabrina hadn’t noticed Eva looking at her. She was staring out the window, the filthy window in Eva’s office had a small circle of glass that was still clear enough so she could make out the clock tower and the time: 4:53 p.m.
She tried to smile and a small croak escaped her mouth but no words. You are not going to cry in front of Eva Kim .
“I have a bit on my mind, that’s all,” she finally managed.
“Something to do with a boy, I’m guessing?”
“Yeah, I know. It’s pretty dumb, but yeah, it’s a boy.”
Eva nodded and didn’t say anything. Sabrina watched her pause and take her glasses off.
She was shocked to find that Eva Kim was in fact quite pretty.
Her nose was small and perfectly in scale with the rest of her features, the small apples of her cheeks were high and held a pinky natural flush to them (Sabrina assumed Eva Kim did not wear a scrap of makeup), and her eyes were large, doe-like even, deep dark brown, with long lashes.
“Is that stupid? To be upset about a boy? I don’t know. There are a lot stupider things in my opinion. You wanna talk about it?”
Sabrina shifted in her seat. She was uncomfortable. “I have a feeling you’re going to make me. And I know what you’re going to say.”
“I bet you don’t. Try me,” Eva said with a crooked smile.
“You’re going to say I shouldn’t be wasting my time and energy being upset about a boy when I have this bright future ahead of me. And that I’m better than that boy, and I shouldn’t waste my tears.”
“All these things are true. They are. And while I wholeheartedly stand by my view that some people are total garbage, I don’t know this boy you are talking about, and he might be the most amazing kid in the world.
But also, your feelings are true and we need to fucking deal with them if we’re going to get you to do any kind of useful work for me.
And you cannot start this big bright future you have ahead of you with a heart broken into a thousand pieces.
You’re about to go to my alma mater, and I cannot have you let me down by not living up to the inflated picture I painted of you to the dean of admissions to get you that golden ticket.
Shocking as this might seem, I do know a thing or two about love and relationships. ”
Sabrina only ever pictured Eva Kim in three places: her office, the corner store, and the hotdog stand across the street.
“You do? I guess you must see a lot from all these cases, right? Families, couples torn apart and stuff,” Sabrina said quietly.
“Well yeah, I mean you see your fair share of broken hearts and also in our work we see families and couples under pressure, relationships put to the test in extreme circumstances, right? But I also have some experience with relationships myself. I am engaged, after all.”
“You are?!” Sabrina blurted out, unable to hide the disbelief from her voice in time.
“I know, hard to believe, right? This cynic taking a chance on love. But yes, I am engaged to be married, to a man I legitimately love. The man is not certifiably insane, and we are planning to tie the knot in his hometown up in Connecticut in the fall. I’m even planning to wear a white dress.”
“I didn’t mean…what I mean is…”
“No offense taken. Now come on. Tell me what’s going on.”
Sabrina explained. As she started to speak, the words tumbled out of her.
She told Eva everything, right from the beginning of summer, when she first felt Dave notice her.
The unexpected interaction in the library, how they started to message each other every night, until it began to feel strange when they didn’t wish each other good night before one of them went to sleep.
She told her how she had hidden the friendship from her mother, who just wouldn’t get it , and the pain she felt every time she thought about Dave and his relationship with her best friend.
She felt a shock of shame shoot through her as she explained Dave and Kit’s history together.
But it passed as Eva listened and nodded, her big eyes watching Sabrina carefully as she spoke.
“So in a nutshell, you always had it bad for this boy who was hooking up with your best friend, who by the way, I need to add, sounds like a bit of an asshole to me—but that’s by the by—and now you guys became close with what sounds like a real genuine friendship but you feel all the things for him, and he has friend-zoned you. Correct?”
“Correct,” Sabrina whispered.