Chapter 19
It’s after midnight when Elijah drops me at home.
I open my bedroom window to let in the cool air and the sounds of the crickets.
Everyone talks about college and the future, but right now is right here.
I look at the walls, the shelves, and the carpet, all things I can see.
I press my hands over my arms and up my neck and through my hair.
Things I can touch. What am I supposed to do with this feeling?
I decide to watch porn.
I search for two male friends holding hands. The first video is two guys sitting on a couch.
I put in my earbuds and turn up the volume.
One guy is telling the other he’s had a hard-on all day and hasn’t had a chance to get rid of it.
The other guy says, “Me too!” and, with his free hand, pulls his penis out.
The concept is absurd, but they keep chatting about their days while they jerk off.
There’s no drama. It’s not a big deal that they’re getting off.
On the coffee table is a half-eaten slice of pizza.
One guy says, “I think I’m gonna finish,” and the other says, “Hold on, let me catch up.” The first replies, “You got this.”
Usually after I finish I immediately close what I’m watching. And usually after the people in the video finish, it ends. This one still has a minute left, so I leave it on.
“I’ve never jerked off with a friend before,” the first guy says.
“Me neither.”
“Want to do it again?”
The other guy shakes his floppy penis. “Not right now.”
The first guy laughs. “Soon, though?”
I lie across the bed and wrap myself in the sheets.
The other guy smiles. “Soon.”