4. So Young, So Unfair
So Young, So Unfair
Zoe
Eleven Years Ago
‘Leo,’ I gasped as I reached the now familiar corridor and saw the expression on his face. I panicked. Was I too late? ‘Traffic was bad, and I couldn’t park and…’
‘Go.’ He ushered me into the room with heartbreak in his eyes, and I rushed through the door.
‘ Baby .’ The word came out as a desperate whisper, punctuated by the tremble of fear and sadness in my voice as I made my way to his side and took his hand in mine.
This is so unfair. It was a silly thing to think. I knew that, and yet it was the loudest thought I had.
‘I love you,’ I whispered as my tears fell and the gentle curve of his lips proved he was still with me.
‘Zo.’
The sound of his voice, saying my name the way he had a million times before, squeezed my heart and forced a sob out of me. Don’t cry in front of him, Zoe, I scolded myself. But I couldn’t stop them now, no matter how hard I tried.
I knew the end was here, and my heart was in tatters.
‘Don’t leave me,’ I whispered, lowering my forehead to our joined hands on the bed just to feel his touch on my skin. ‘I don’t know how to do this without you.’
I sucked in a breath and cried against the scratchy hospital blanket as his fingers moved weakly against my hair.
‘Live,’ he said softly, and it was enough to bring me back. I’d promised, and I was not going to break it.
Sitting up, I took a deep, steadying breath and wiped my tears, then looked into the eyes of the man I thought I had forever with. Leaning forward, I pressed my lips to his, then to his cheek and his forehead.
‘I will live, Luke. I promise you.’
I fought the lump in my throat; save your tears. There’ll be plenty of time for tears soon.
‘Love.’ He took a shallow breath, the effort of trying to say more than one word exhausting him. ‘You.’
‘Baby, rest.’ I raised my hand to his cheek, feeling him press weakly against my touch as his eyes drifted closed.
‘Munch,’ I turned to the door to see Leo leaning against the frame, and I gestured to the chair opposite.
Moving to the chair, Leo sat and reached out for Luke’s other hand, causing my husband’s eyes to flutter open again and turn to his cousin.
‘I know,’ Leo said before Luke forced himself to say anything. ‘I know. I promise.’
In his stronger days, the days right after his diagnosis, after they told us he wasn’t coming back from this, Luke had sat down with all the people he loved most in the world and made us promise not to let his death break us. I know he made my brother and sister promise never to let me forget who I was, never let me lose the fire in my belly. He made me promise to live, to do all the things we were supposed to do together, to fall in love again. I don’t know what Leo promised Luke, but I saw in his eyes that it meant a lot, and he’d do it. He’d do anything for Luke.
‘Zoe.’ Leo’s voice, strong after the weakness in Luke’s, jolted me, and I turned my gaze on him, stalling at the tears in his eyes before turning my attention back to Luke and feeling my world come to a stop.
My husband, a man so full of life and joy, my silly, happy, strong man, was gone.
‘I’m so sorry for your loss.’
‘My condolences, sweetie.’
‘So young, so unfair.’
I stared straight ahead as the stream of people held my hands and spoke their soft, sweet words. I couldn’t look them in the eyes. I couldn’t look at anything but the hole in the ground in front of me.
The firm grip on my hand loosened, and I felt a moment of panic, no, don’t let go, please . But he didn’t. He just changed his grip, lacing his fingers with mine and stroking his thumb slowly up and down my index finger.
It had been this way for almost two weeks since that last night in the hospital. Leo had been my person, the one I needed next to me. I didn’t know how to stop needing him.
‘Come on, munch,’ he said my nickname softly, ‘step two.’
That’s how we broke up the day of the funeral. Step one was the service and burial, step two, the funeral reception at the bar. Step three would be me heading upstairs to my apartment and shutting the door on the second worst day of my life.
‘How you doin’, honey?’ Bree, my twin, my best friend, and the woman I’d pushed aside these last couple of weeks, asked softly as she stepped into the space Leo had temporarily vacated.
‘Bree.’ I turned to her, and she opened her arms, wrapping me up in a hug that I desperately needed.
‘I know, Zo, I know. It’s okay.’
And she did know. Bree and I just understood each other in ways nobody else could. She knew I was apologizing that she wasn’t the one I needed right now, and she was letting me know that it was okay. She’d be there when I needed her.
She’d been the one to bring Leo to me when she couldn’t get me to eat or take a shower. When Mama and Doug had no better luck, she’d thought of him, the one person missing Luke as much as me, and it worked. Just his closeness brought me a sense of peace that I needed. He’d drawn me a bath and encouraged me to the bathroom, then he’d changed my bedsheets and opened my windows, laid out some clean pajamas, and waited for me to find him in my living room, arms open to me.
I lasted a couple of hours before I reached my limit of sympathy and sought out Leo. He was talking to my brother and our friend, Nick, by the bar. As if he sensed me looking for him, he turned and found my eyes with his, and after squeezing Doug’s shoulder, he headed my way.
‘You okay?’ His concern for me was so genuine, and I knew I had to release him from this.
‘Yeah, I’m done,’ I said quietly. ‘I’m going to head upstairs.’
‘Okay, let’s go.’
‘No, Leo. You don’t have to. The funeral is over now. I have to start getting back to normal.’
With a soft smile, he reached down and took my hand once more.
‘We will, Zo, tomorrow. Step three, remember.’
‘Is this what he made you promise? To take care of me,’ I asked as we sat on my sofa with a bottle of beer each. My black dress had been replaced by PJs, and Leo’s suit, replaced by sweatpants and a hoodie.
He took a long, deep inhale and stared at his thumb as he collected the condensation on the bottle.
‘Nothing I’ve ever done or will continue to do for you is out of obligation to him, Zo.’
He glanced up to meet my gaze, and I nodded.
‘I know, but…’
‘He asked me to be there for you, yeah, but I always would have been, regardless.’
‘You always have been,’ I admitted, and it was true. Leo had been in my life almost all of it — since I was five and he was two. And although he was my brother’s best friend and Luke’s cousin, he and I had always shared a special connection, and he had always been there for me.
‘What did he make you promise?’
I fought the lump in my throat as I remembered a night just a few months ago after finding out I was going to lose my husband before I was even twenty-five. He held me in his arms, numb from the news that had shocked us, silently praying for a miracle when he had asked me to make him a promise that seemed impossible, that still seemed impossible now, but for him, for my Luke, I was sure as hell going to try.
‘He made me promise to live.’