17. And How Does It Fit?
And How Does It Fit?
Leo
Twelve Months Ago
I turned the glass in my hand on the table. I didn’t want to be there.
I was sitting in a busy restaurant on a Friday night, surrounded by couples and hating every second. I lifted the glass, the ice clinking against the side as the cool amber liquid touched my lips, and I froze.
Glancing up, my eyes locked on a woman I hadn’t seen in way too long, a woman I’d missed like crazy.
Zoe .
God, she looked beautiful. She hadn’t seen me, and I didn’t think I wanted her to. If she saw me, we’d be drawn together as we always were, and then I’d have to tell her I was here waiting for somebody, a woman, and she’d probably tell me she was here to meet a man. It would be awkward, and it would be a kick in the balls.
At what point did it become pathetic that you couldn’t tell the love of your life she was the love of your life? I mean, I was decades into this thing and had still never really told her how I felt.
I watched as she reached up to push her mint green hair behind her ear. She looked nervous. This mother fucker better not stand her up.
She glanced back toward the door and chewed her bottom lip, then picked up her phone to check the time or for messages. I didn’t know, but I no longer gave a fuck about her seeing me. I couldn’t sit there seeing her looking anxious and not try to soothe her.
Standing from my booth at the back of the restaurant, I started in her direction and found myself at her table in a matter of seconds.
When she turned her caramel eyes up to me, I watched as they widened in surprise.
‘Leo.’ She smiled and stood, and I wrapped her up in my arms. Always so easy with her.
‘Hey, munch.’
‘What are you doing here?’
I released her, and she stepped back.
‘Same as you, I expect.’
She swallowed hard and folded her arms, a defensive move that I hated because Zoe and her heart would never be safer with anyone than they were with me.
‘You’re on a date?’ Her voice was tight, not enough that anyone who didn’t know her as well as I did would notice, but I noticed it. ‘I thought you didn’t date.’
‘I don’t, usually,’ I admitted. ‘I guess I thought I’d try it on for size.’
‘And how does it fit?’
‘Well,’ I glanced toward the door, ‘she ain’t here yet.’
Zoe’s lips pressed together, and silence fell between us. She held my gaze, and so much went unsaid between us, so much we’d avoided for so long.
‘Zo.’
The sound of the street filtered into the restaurant and we both turned, snatched away from the line yet again — pulled back before we crossed it.
‘Zoe?’
A man approached, and I noticed her shoulders lift, tension radiating from her as she forced a smile.
‘Caleb.’ She held out her hand, and he took it but leaned in to kiss her cheek before turning to look up at me. He took in my appearance. I saw his eyes cataloging the tattoos that were visible on my arms and peeking out of the collar of my shirt.
‘Um, this is Leo. He’s an old friend.’
Old friend? I smirked a little as I found her gaze once more, and she pleaded silently for me to play nice.
‘Yeah, the oldest.’ The door opened again, and I met the smiling eyes of my date, Trina. ‘Y’all have a good night.’ I held Zoe’s attention for just a moment more before reaching up to squeeze her arm lightly and walking away.
We want different things, Leo. You want hookups. I want something real.
Zoe’s words ran through my mind, and I hung my head.
I let her leave. I didn’t argue. I didn’t tell her I was in love with her.
She walked out of my apartment and into the waiting arms of the stream of idiots she dates on her search for something lasting, and I let her because I knew she was right. I wanted her, and I just wasn’t ready for serious. But that was what she wanted? That fucking guy? Prick looked like he worked in a library… not that there was anything wrong with working in a library, except if you were that guy. That fuckin’ guy.
‘Leo, you might want to ease up, honey,’ Trina said softly as I signaled to the server for another drink. I’d never been a huge drinker, and when I did drink, it was usually beer, but the burn of the bourbon was the perfect fuel for the fire smoldering in me.
‘I’m a grown man,’ I snapped, and she slumped back in her seat.
If I could have focused on her eyes, I was pretty sure I knew what I would have seen in them. She was torn somewhere between the hope that she’d still get what she wanted out of this date and wanting to leave this drunk asshole alone in the restaurant to simmer. Thing was, I knew I was drunk, and I knew I should leave. I knew I should show Trina a lot more respect. My dad would have kicked my ass if he saw me and the way I was acting. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t stop staring. I couldn’t ignore the way Zoe was laughing or the way she seemed to have completely forgotten I was even there because of him . That guy, who looked like he didn’t go down on women because it was unhygienic .
I mean, the fuckin’ glasses. I bet he didn’t even need glasses but wore them because he thought they made him look cooler and more intellectual.
‘Sweetie, let’s get you home.’
Trina’s hand on my arm shocked me, and I snatched mine back as if she’d burned me, glaring at her.
‘I thought this was supposed to be a date,’ I sneered. Who the fuck was I? I had never talked to anyone this way, especially not a woman. Not someone I actually liked.
‘It was supposed to be a date, Leo, but you’re not exactly great company.’
I laughed, then pointed. ‘Not like that guy. He’s great company, apparently.’
I heard the slurred whining but couldn’t seem to stop it. I, at least, had the wherewithal to groan, embarrassed, right before whining some more.
‘You want to fuck him, Trina? What does he have that I don’t, huh?’
‘I don’t know that guy, Leo, but being sober seems a big selling point right now.’ Trina stood and grabbed her coat.
‘Where are you going?’ Oh , that came out way louder than I intended it to, and I felt the eyes of the restaurant come to land on me; all of them, including the caramel ones I saw in my dreams.
Zoe stared. Her concerned expression pissed me off, and I reached out for Trina.
‘Hey. I’m sorry, stay, please.’
Snatching her arm back, Trina smiled.
‘Sweetie, you don’t want to be here, and you made that very clear.’
As she turned to walk away, heading straight towards Zoe’s table and the door, I got up, knocking into another table as I swayed and tried to reach out for Trina’s arm but found my hand landing on a warm shoulder instead.
‘Leo, you’re wasted.’ Zoe’s soft voice calmed me as I looked down into her beautiful eyes and tried to reach my other hand up to her cheek, but she took it, stopping me. ‘Honey, what is happening?’
‘This guy?’ I felt the flare of my nostrils as I turned my attention to the douchebag librarian. His dark-rimmed glasses slipped down his nose a little as he stared at me.
‘Leo,’ Zoe snapped, glaring, and I laughed.
‘Ah shit, my bad.’ I held out a hand to her date, but he just looked at it, then back up to meet my unfocused eyes.
‘Go sober up, dude. You’re embarrassing yourself right now.’ Oh, he was spicy. Okay .
‘Sir,’ a guy in a suit that I assumed was the manager, but fuck if I knew, stepped up in front of me. ‘I need to ask you to leave.’
‘Leo, let me get you a cab.’ Zoe reached for her phone, and I laughed.
‘Fuck you, Zoe.’ She recoiled as though I’d slapped her. ‘Shit, I’m sorry, I…’
‘I suggest you crawl back into your hole, man,’ her date hissed, and Zoe snapped her gaze to him, then back to me.
‘Caleb, just give me a minute, please.’ She took my arm. ‘Let me get you into a cab.’
‘Come with me, Zo.’ I leaned in toward her, and she pulled back. ‘Come with me. I’ll take care of you better than Harry Potter here.’
I pointed in his face, and he slapped my hand away. Fair, I guess.
‘Leo,’ she chastised, and the dude cleared his throat.
‘Listen, Leo ,’ he stood, ‘you’re crossing a fucking line here, and I’m holding it together out of respect for Zoe.’
‘You don’t even know her.’ I turned to her. ‘This is what it takes, Zo, this guy? The librarian-look start your engines, baby? Because we both know nobody can make you purr like I do.’ Her lips parted, and her eyes widened.
‘Sir, I will call the police,’ the manager insisted as I got louder and more obnoxious.
‘You know it’s me you want, Zo. You’re kidding yourself with this prick. You can’t be this desperate to get laid, munch. I’m right here. You know I give it to you real good.’ I swayed, knocking into another table, and Zoe grabbed me. I saw the tears in her eyes, but she held onto me, turning as Caleb pulled on his jacket and threw down some cash on the table.
‘Caleb,’ she protested, and he shook his head.
‘I’ll let you get your old friend , Leo, here, home. Good to meet you, Zoe.’
He turned to walk away, and I laughed. ‘Fuck that guy,’ I shouted, way too loud before the sting of Zoe’s palm hitting my cheek shocked me still, and I sobered up real quick. ‘Zoe,’ I breathed, swallowing the hard lump in my throat as I looked down to see the hurt and humiliation in her eyes.
‘Shut the hell up and get out of here, Leo. Now.’
She grabbed her jacket and rushed for the door as I apologized to the people around me and followed.
‘Zoe,’ I called out as I reached the street and saw her little legs carrying her away. ‘Zo, please stop. I’m sorry.’
She kept walking, and I tried to jog to keep up, but the cool night air mixed with the alcohol in my system, and that moment of clarity disappeared really quickly.
Swaying, I reached out, gripping the back of a bench before my stomach betrayed me, and believe me, the burn of the bourbon was way worse on the way back up.
‘Fuck.’ I groaned as I tried to stretch out. Everything hurt.
I realized I was on the couch, which accounted for the ache in my body. My head was another story. That was all bourbon.
I started to push myself up to sitting and then froze, squinting when I noticed Zoe sitting on my coffee table right in front of me, a reversal of the last time she was here in my place when it was me sitting there in front of her.
For a fleeting moment, I was so fucking happy to see her here, then it all, at least I think all of it, came rushing back.
‘Zo.’
‘Don’t.’
Shit. She was pissed.
‘I…’
‘I said don’t.’ She took a sip of her coffee, and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, so I just sat awkwardly, waiting.
Zoe put her cup down and passed me a cup I hadn’t noticed. I took it gratefully.
‘Is it poisoned?’ I chanced a small smile, but she didn’t reciprocate.
‘I considered it.’ She sipped again, and I risked it, doing the same.
‘Zoe, I’m so…’
‘Do you not understand what don’t means?’ she snapped, glaring at me. ‘I don’t want your apology. Your behavior last night was unacceptable, Leo. You were completely out of line.’
‘I know, I jus…’
‘I’m not done.’ I shut up. ‘You embarrassed yourself, your date, my date, and you completely humiliated me. Not to mention, I liked him, Leo, and you fucked that for me.’ That was a punch to the gut. ‘I don’t know you.’ Oh, no, that was a punch to the gut, and the way the breath rushed out of me, you’d think it really was. ‘That guy I saw last night, he was a complete stranger to me. I didn’t know you were capable of acting that way, of putting me in that position, but now I do, and I can’t ever forget that. Things were left complicated between us. We let shit hang in the air between us, so I’m clearing it up right now.’ She put down her cup and stood. ‘Me and you, Leo, we’re done. You are Doug’s best friend, that’s all. You need to stay away from me because I need to move forward, and I cannot do that with you in my life, even on the outskirts.’
‘Zoe, please I…’
‘No.’ I heard the hitch in her voice. I saw the way her bottom lip trembled, but I didn’t move. I didn’t try to fight her on this. ‘I stayed here last night to make sure you didn’t choke on your vomit or something, that’s all. You didn’t, so I’m leaving now.’
She turned toward the door, and I panicked, so I stood in a rush, my hand coming to my head as my brain rattled against my skull.
‘Zoe, I’m sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry, munch, but please, just stay, talk to me.’
She tilted her head, inhaling shakily as the tears in her eyes escaped, and I saw it — she really was done with me.
‘I’m walking away, Leo. It’s time.’
And with a shake of her head, she picked up her purse and did just that.