32. I Kept My Promise
I Kept My Promise
Leo
‘Pop, you in here?
I push open the front door to my dad’s house. I expected him to be on the porch since he knows I’m arriving and usually waits out there, but there was no sign of him.
‘Pop.’
‘Oh, Jesus,’ Lucy freezes and tightens her robe around her body as my dad, with a smile a mile wide, pulls on his shirt behind her.
‘Son, you’re here.’ He stops when he notices me.
‘Nope.’ I turn and walk out onto the porch to the sound of my dad’s laughter and Lucy’s soft sigh of his name.
The door opens, and my dad walks out to join me.
‘Sorry about that, son.’
‘You knew I was coming.’
He laughs. ‘Listen, Leo, when two people love each other very much…’
‘Save it.’ I laugh and sit in one of the porch chairs, and Pop joins me. ‘I guess it’s just a blessing you can still…’
‘Don’t finish that sentence, kid.’
I love my dad. Being raised, for the most part, in a house of men means our relationship is eighty percent friendship. We had to find our way after my mom left and then again when Luke came to live with us. We laugh a lot, enjoy each other’s company, and I truly consider him my friend as well as my dad. You better believe he knows how to parent, though, too. He raised me right, and I respect him too much ever to cross the line.
Before Zoe came to me a few days ago, I didn’t doubt for a second that he’d be okay with me and her, but now I’m a little scared to tell him. Lucy figured it out on her own, but I assume she hasn’t talked to my dad about it because he hasn’t said anything, and I promised Zo we could keep this quiet for now, so I can’t say anything, but I’m itching to. I need to know he’s going to forgive me for being with Luke’s wife — Luke’s widow.
‘I’m taking a shower,’ Lucy’s sweet voice behind us announces, and I smile back at her.
‘Okay, beautiful, call me if you need any help with the hard-to-reach places.’
‘ Pop .’ I grimace. I have heard way too much of his nonsense.
‘Buck, you’ll give the kid nightmares.’ Lucy chuckles before walking away, my dad watching her through the screen door until she disappears from view. The look on his face is pure love and happiness, and I can’t wait to see them get married tomorrow.
‘You ready then?’
He nods, and his green eyes meet mine.
‘So ready, son. I can’t wait.’
‘She still doesn’t know?’
‘Nope. Lynnie deserves a goddam Oscar. I accidentally let it slip in front of them that we were getting it done, and Lynnie made a big fuss about throwing us a party tomorrow to send us off into married life. She was so convincing, I almost forgot I knew all about it.’
Smiling, I lean back in my chair.
‘Zoe offered me her guest room tomorrow night so you and Lu can have the place to yourselves. Not that me being here ever stops you.’ I swallow. My heart is racing, waiting for him to see through the lie.
‘She did, huh?’ I nod. ‘She’s a good kid.’
‘Pop, she’s not a kid.’
‘You’re all still kids to me.’ He reaches over and slaps my knee.
‘I’m going to go and see Luke.’ I stand. ‘You can go and see if Lu needs your help.’
My dad laughs but stands, and I shake my head as I walk away.
As I approach the grave I’ve visited more times than I can count, I take a deep breath, then lower myself to sit.
‘Hey, man,’ I say, patting the ground in front of me. ‘How you been?’ I look up to the blue sky. Rain was forecast this weekend, and we scrambled to organize shelter for the wedding, but now there’s not a single cloud up there.
‘Was this you?’ I point up. ‘If it was, thank you, brother. They deserve a perfect day.’
I’m stalling. I don’t know why since I’m talking to a dead man, but I’m struggling to get to the point. Taking a breath, I shake my head and blow it out.
‘It’s happening, man.’ I pull up a blade of grass just to give me something to do with my hands. ‘She’s on board — we’re together. I kept my promise to you.’ I hang my head, feeling uneasy. He asked me to do this — it’s what he wanted. ‘I love her, Luke. I know you knew that, and I know that’s why you asked this of me, but part of me feels like I’m shitting on your grave.’ I take a breath. ‘I’m going to take care of her. I always did, but now it’s different. I’m going to give her everything she wants. I’m going to be that guy for her, and I know you asked this of me, but I really hope you forgive me for this, Luke, because I can’t let her go again.’ I reach up and wipe the tears collecting in my eyes before they can fall.
‘I miss you so much, brother. You should be here celebrating with us tomorrow. You should be running around with a couple of kids and planting roses in the front yard of the perfect home you own right here in town. You deserved it all, Luke. I wanted you to have it all, and that’s why I never said a thing about how I felt. I stepped back and didn’t even try to win because you needed it. You needed her.’ I wipe away more tears, losing the battle to prevent them from falling.
‘I always wonder if after you die, you can see the whole picture. Like, can you see the things that happened before you died or just the stuff that comes after? I wonder if you see me sitting in my bed sketching the lines of her face over and over until I get them right, until they are perfect, all while you were the one holding her hand. It was different then — it was puppy love, infatuation. She was my friend, and it was a crush, but it never went away. Not when you started going out, not when you got married, not when I forced myself to push it to the back of my mind and hated myself for having thoughts that betrayed you. When you asked this of me that day, I was pissed at you, but mostly I was so fuckin’ angry at myself because, underneath the hurt of knowing I was losing you and the confusion at what you were asking, I was excited at the idea of getting my shot with her. How fucked is that?’
Shaking my head, I let the tears fall freely and cry unashamedly.
‘I love you, Luke. You were my brother, my best friend. I looked up to you and respected you, and I wish you were still here. I would never have acted on my feelings for her, but now I can’t stop. I want it all with her, Luke. I want every damn thing she wants to give me.’
I wipe my cheeks and swallow against the lump of emotion, tightening my throat.
‘I’m going to give her the world, brother.’ I push up to stand, pressing my fingers to my mouth and tapping the gravestone in front of me. ‘I miss you.’ Then I walk away.