40. Baby Steps
Baby Steps
Zoe
‘He’s a pretty one.’ My attention returns to the woman I’m talking to. Angel, I think she said her name was, and I find her smiling at Leo before she turns to me. ‘It’s no wonder you can’t seem to keep your eyes off him.’
‘Oh.’ I chuckle awkwardly, but I don’t have anything more to say.
We arrived at the party a little over an hour ago, and Leo introduced me to the host, Dean, as his girlfriend , and although it felt a little weird, I looked up and saw the pride in his expression. Pride in me, in us, in being able to call me that, and I never want to take that away from him.
‘How long have you guys been together?’
I push down the flutters of panic in my chest, reminding myself that I don’t need to hide us here.
‘Um, about three months.’
‘Oh, sweetie, tell me everything.’
So, I do. I relax in her company and spill our story to a stranger for the first time.
It feels so good to be totally open about us, our history, and how we got to where we’re at right now. She asks about Luke and our family, and I find her so easy to talk to that I’m surprised when Leo’s hands find my shoulders from behind, and he asks if I want to get out of there.
Back at his place, I lay tucked in next to Leo on his sofa.
He presses his lips to my head, and I turn my head to press mine to his chest. He sighs, and I turn my face up to see why.
‘I love when you do that.’
‘What?’ I ask, softly.
‘Little kisses that aren’t meant to lead anywhere, small touches, and tiny little smiles before you go back to doing whatever it is you were doing.’ I smile widely. I can’t help it. ‘It makes me feel like we’re on the same page here.’
Sitting up now, I tip my head to the side as I look down at him. Seeing his serious expression surprises me. I thought we were having a nice time.
‘We are on the same page.’ He presses his lips together as though he doesn’t believe me. ‘Leo, I’m here with you.’
‘And nobody knows about us.’
‘Because it’s new. I just want us to have some time to get this bedded in.’
He releases a sigh. ‘I heard you telling Angel about Luke.’ I narrow my gaze a little, wondering what his point is. ‘They are my friends, Zoe. They didn’t need to know.’
‘She was asking about my life.’ My tone is a little sharper, defensive.
‘I know, but…’
‘No buts, he was my husband and a huge part of our story. Are you expecting me to censor myself now? Erase him?’
I climb over his legs and stand, walking to the kitchen to get some water, knowing he’ll follow. Heat races up my neck to my cheeks.
‘Of course, I’m not. I guess I just want to know when it stops being a factor.’ I turn to him, confusion twisting my features. ‘It’s been eleven years, Zoe, but every decision has him in it. You were worried our family would think we betrayed him, so for three months I’ve had to be with you in secret, but then you tell my friend about him. How do you think that makes me look? Makes me feel? I thought we were doing this for real, Zo, that this was our chance at something solid.’
‘It is.’
‘Is it? Because it kind of feels like maybe you told her about him to remind yourself not to get too deep into this.’
‘Are you kidding me right now?’ I put down my glass and walk around him toward the bedroom.
‘Zo.’ He follows me in.
‘I can’t believe you just said that to me, Leo.’ I pace, unsure what to do. I don’t like this.
‘I just don’t know why you brought him up.’
‘ Because he’s my husband .’ I yell, exasperated.
‘ Was , Zo. He was your husband.’ I inhale sharply and fight the tears that wet my eyes. ‘And I’m just the guy you’re fucking.’
He turns to walk out of the room, and I wrap my arms around my chest, letting the tears fall. Why did I tell Angel about Luke? It just felt like a natural part of the conversation, but I haven’t considered this from Leo’s perspective.
I move to sit on the bed. What if Luke was my ex? If we had broken up instead of him dying. If I met Leo and kept bringing my ex into all our conversations, how would that feel for him?
It’s not the same though, is it? Luke meant so much to both of us.
But Angel didn’t know him. I met her, Leo’s friend, for the first time today and told her about Luke.
I want all of this with him, all of it, and I didn’t bring Luke up for any reason other than him being a part of the story, but it’s time to let him go. If I want this to work with Leo, I need to make him the main character.
Standing, I make my way toward his tiny balcony and stand in the open doorway. I take a moment to look at him, and my heart beats faster in my chest, and my stomach twists. His strong back stretches the fabric of his shirt as his muscular arms grip the handrail. The evening air dances over his short hair as his jaw ticks with uncertainty and frustration.
‘Leo,’ I say his name softly, and he turns his head a little, but not enough to make eye contact. I want this. I want him. I’ve never been more certain. ‘Baby.’ He turns his head fully now, and I see the surprise in his eyes. I haven’t called him that before. ‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking,’ I hold out my hand, and he takes it, pulling me close to him. I step in front of him, my back to the railing, and let him pen me in with his arms. ‘I’m already too deep, Leo. Saying his name doesn’t change that. I’m here with you because you’re the person I want to be with.’ He drops his forehead to rest against mine, and I reach my hand up to his cheek, pulling my head back to meet his gaze once more.
‘I’m sorry too, I’m tired and this…’
‘Baby steps.’
He smiles and nods. ‘Yeah, that’s one way to put it. I’ve never done any of this before. I feel like I’m blindfolded and holding out my hands to feel my way through it. I’m trying.’
‘I know.’
‘You still want to be with me?’
I nod, yes. ‘Of course I do.’
‘Okay,’ he leans in to kiss me, ‘let’s just give each other a little grace, okay? This is so new, and a lot of change for us both.’
Smiling, I push up on my toes to press my lips briefly to his.
I bring my hands to his forearms, tracing my fingers up over the tattooed skin there as his eyes flare, but I see the air of caution still there; he doesn’t trust me. That realization is sobering. I thought it was me who needed to trust that he wanted me, but he’s shown me that time and time again. He’s the one competing with a ghost.
My plan was to drop to my knees right here to say sorry to him, but this changes things. Taking his hand in mine, I dip under his arm and tug him back inside the apartment.
Once we reach the bedroom, I turn to him, pulling off my shirt and stepping close as I reach for the button on his jeans.
‘I need you to make love to me.’
‘Zo,’ he groans my name, reluctant to give in, and his vulnerability at this moment squeezes my heart.
‘I don’t know how to show you that you can trust me.’ I push up his shirt, and he takes over, pulling it off as I push my shorts over my hips and let them fall.
‘I do trust you.’
‘You don’t.’ I unclasp my bra. ‘I didn’t see that before. You don’t trust me to put you ahead of him, but I do. I will, always.’
I drop my bra, then reach out to unzip his jeans and push them down as I step forward, bringing our bare chests together and feeling the clench of desire that his skin on mine brings.
‘You loved him. I get that.’
‘I did.’ I admit, bringing my hands up to his neck. ‘But now I need to let him go.’ Leo closes his eyes for a moment, then pushes my panties down over my ass and lets them slide down my legs. I step out of them as I take a step back from him, still holding his hands but letting him decide what’s next. ‘You said you were giving me forever, and I want that, Leo. I want you.’
He swallows hard before gently pulling me close again, running his hands over my bare skin, stroking my hips, palming my ass as I feel him harden under his boxers and bring my fingers to the waistband.
‘Fresh start tomorrow.’ I nod, yes, gazing up at him as he looks down. ‘Making love right now.’ I nod again, hoping he sees everything in my eyes that I can’t say to him yet — you’re the one, Leo. You’re my forever. ‘You got it, munch.’