49. That Fuckin’ Word
That Fuckin’ Word
Zoe
I’m cold. I wrap my arms around myself as I shiver. Running away without my jacket wasn’t my smartest move, but here I am.
This is what he wanted. This is what he made me promise.
The words echo over and over, but I can’t make sense of them. I’m caught between two men: one dead, one very much alive. Both of them have my heart, but how can I trust that I truly have theirs?
I feel like a baseball card. He traded me. He was dying, so he passed his card on to his cousin. The worst part of all is I know how much Leo loved Luke. I know he would do anything for him. If Luke really fuckin’ made him promise this, Leo would do it for him. Am I just an obligation to him? I feel so stupid.
I look out across the water. The dying light of the day sparkles on the surface of the lake. We loved it here, all of us. We spent so many beautiful moments here together. I miss it.
I should leave. It’s getting darker and colder, and I know they’ll all be worried.
The unmistakable sound of a twig snapping underfoot behind me startles me, and I twist to see my brother walking towards me, hands up, defensively.
‘Leave.’ My voice trembles with emotion.
‘Honey, I’m sorry.’
He drops to sit next to me on the sand, and I shake my head.
‘Just go away, Doug.’
I love my brother so much. We are so close, and I know he loves me, but he had a hand in the heartbreak I’m feeling. He acted like a toddler who had his toys taken away, and it resulted in my heart being ripped out and stomped on.
‘Zo, I am so fuckin’ sorry for how I acted.’
When he doesn’t get a response, he exhales loudly, his head hanging in my peripheral view. I’m not looking at him right now. I can’t.
‘I don’t know why I freaked out the way I did. I always knew Leo loved you, and I guess I just built it up in my head to this big, impossible thing. I got used to watching you two when Luke was around, making sure you didn’t cross the line — seems I never stopped. Before he died, I was watching the boundaries. After, I always felt like I was on guard around you two. Afraid of you getting together because I didn’t want the dynamic to get fucked up. I didn’t want either of you to get hurt. I didn’t ever want to have to hurt Leo.’
‘You never minded us being friends, and we were always close.’ I’m still not looking at him.
‘Because I truly believed he’d never act on it. I thought his loyalty to Luke meant nothing would ever happen. Yours too.’
‘I was loyal to my husband, Doug. I loved him.’
‘I know, Zo. I know. I’m sorry. You were right. I was out of line.’ I shiver again, and he wraps a huge arm around my shoulder. I’d push him off if he weren’t so warm. ‘I think seeing you look at each other the way I’d always dreaded, hearing you say you were together, just triggered an old, highly emotional response that had been ready to go for so long. I fucked up, Zo, and I am so, so fuckin’ sorry.’
‘It doesn’t matter. It wasn’t real anyway.’ I hear the defeat in my tone and swallow down the lump in my throat.
‘Honey…’
‘Don’t, Doug. You didn’t want us to be together, but you pushed, and the truth came out. He was only with me because, for some fucked reason, my husband asked his cousin to date me.’
‘Okay, so hear me out.’
‘You have got to be kidding me.’ I turn my body to face him, and those defensive hands come up again.
‘He’s pretty fuckin’ cut up right now, Zo. He just watched you walk away, then dropped to the goddam floor.’ I inhale. The idea of him hurting even after this guts me.
‘I was an obligation, Doug.’ My emotions burst out of me. Tears I thought I had a handle on fall, and my voice trembles. ‘He pursued me because he promised to. I fell in love with him, and it was all a lie.’
‘You’re an idiot if you believe that to be true, Zo.’ I cover my face and cry, and Doug pulls me to his chest, his warm embrace comforting. ‘I couldn’t see him that way, hurting like that, and I needed to understand what the hell he was talking about. I sent everyone inside and sat with him. He told me everything, and I believe him.’
‘Go on.’ I sniffle against his chest, and he chuckles — a low, slow vibration.
‘I’m not the one to tell you that story. You need to talk to Leo about that.’ I try to pull away, but he holds me there. ‘As much as I was afraid of it, I saw the love between you at that dinner table. If I’d just chilled the fuck out and pushed you both in the right direction, you could have been happy together long before now.’ He releases me, and I straighten to look at him in the moonlight, the regret etched into his features. ‘I blew it all up with a knee-jerk reaction, and I’m sorry, but it’s real. You can trust that it’s real. I promise you that.’
‘Promise.’ I huff out a laugh. ‘That fuckin’ word. Was he playing a game, Doug? Get me to promise this, you to promise that, and Leo to promise to fuck his wife.’
‘Please don’t talk about you two fuckin’.’ He groans, and I smile despite my feelings.
‘Why do you think Luke did that?’
‘You really want my answer?’
‘Do I make a habit of asking questions I don’t want answers to?’
He smirks. ‘There she is.’ I shove his shoulder. ‘Because he was giving him permission, Zo. He wasn’t asking him to date you. He was giving him his blessing to love you the way he always has.’