Chapter 11 Wilder #2
My gut still cramps. It’s natural to want to keep people relegated to a safe distance. I’ve pushed past that over the years and been burned. It should make me wary, but I would always hear my grandma’s soft voice in my head, telling me that’s no way to live life.
“I wouldn’t have kissed you if I just wanted something instant. I don’t do immediate gratification, at least not in that sense. I don’t do fun and done. I want you to know that,” I tell her earnestly.
“Okay.” Her smile starts small, but it grows. I totally understand the whole windowsill being paradise to Pumpkin when the sun is coming through it just right. Sitting here in a direct line of her smile is like being bathed in the golden glow of light.
“Okay? Just… just okay? You believe me?”
“Why wouldn’t I believe you? I trust you to know how you feel better than anyone else would, including me.”
She gives me time to sort my thoughts out.
I reach over and rub the dog’s belly for some of that calming magic.
I’m rewarded by his tongue lolling out again like I’ve just given him the best belly rub of his life.
Me. The guy who’s never even had a pet before.
“Everything’s changed. It’s been changing.
The tour is over, the band is breaking up, and I have no idea what I’m going to do in the future.
Fuck.” I rake my hands through my hair and swipe them over my face.
“That makes it sound like you’re some kind of music rebound.
But you’re not. You’re no consolation prize.
Music isn’t over for me. There are a thousand different things I could do.
I’m not just jumping from one thing to another because I can’t be alone with myself.
I’ve learned how to do that. Be lonely. Whether I like it or not, I can be. ”
She nods, taking it in. “Should we continue this conversation over some kind of breakfast? Some eggs and turkey bacon?”
I narrow my eyes suspiciously. “Turkey bacon? You just naturally had that in the fridge?”
“Oh, naturally.”
“As of when?”
I’ve never seen Carissa devious before, but in a split second of her lips twitching and her eyes dancing with amusement and mischief, I decide it’s lovely on her. “As of about half an hour ago, when I ordered groceries and got them delivered.”
“What time is it?” I know it’s sunny out, but it can’t be that late.
“Just past eight. I wanted to let you sleep. I knew you’d probably be up late with your thoughts.” She unfurls her legs and dips one over, leaning on it and doing a graceful flamingo-like sweep with her other leg to land on the floor like a dancer.
My mouth goes dry, and my cock kicks itself into semi-wakefulness.
“I know your alarm is usually set for five or six so you can cram everything in, but just for one day, you could sleep in. I figured if you had something to get to today, you would have said so last night.”
“What time were you up?”
She tiptoes her way over to the window, then bends just enough to pet the cat that her jeans go a little bit further into wedgie mode. They’re already that type of fit, but for the love of wedgies, she makes wedgies look good.
“I just wanted to reiterate that you’re under no obligation to say anything along the lines of you wanting to make this work.
What happened yesterday could just be a one-off.
And again, just because I blurted out something wildly personal doesn’t mean you ever have to feel like you should return anything close to that sentiment.
I’m a big girl. I’m okay with yesterday being something that breaks me and puts me back together in a thousand different ways until I can get to the point where I treasure the experience forever. ”
She picks Pumpkin up. He doesn’t seem to mind the disruption to his sleep in the least, but then again, if I were being cradled against Carissa’s chest and stroked softly, complaining would be the last thing I’d do. Unless it was my cock protesting that it’s trapped in too many layers of clothing.
Carissa waves Pumpkin’s little paw at me, his pink toe beans flashing up and down. “I mean that in the most lowkey way possible,” she adds.
I’m half afraid to get up off the bed. At some point in the past few minutes, my semi has turned into a full-on morning wood, and I don’t want to just flash her with that.
I’m more emotionally intelligent than to think sending a message like hey, I know we’re trying to have this deep conversation, but here’s an erection, just saying, is the least bit appropriate.
I glance over at my red leather pants folded at the foot of the bed. If the options are wrapping myself in the quilt off this bed or trying to grease myself into those pants sans grease, the blanket’s going to win every time.
Also? I have to pee. Shit.
This is going to be an entire process.
“You don’t have to worry. My mom’s not home, and she’s not expected back for hours. Wear what you want. Come as you are.”
My dick throbs hopefully at that last sentence. Of course it takes it the wrong way. I shove my hands over my lap. “What’s your mom’s name? I don’t want to just think of her as Carissa’s Mother.”
“Sorry! Did we not tell you her name yesterday?”
“I think there were more pressing things to discuss.”
“It’s Julia.”
“Julia. That’s a very unmotherly name.”
She laughs and waves the cat’s paw at me again. “Unmotherly?” She kisses Pumpkin’s face when he shoves it into hers. “She wasn’t born a mother. She was once just a baby, and then a kid, then a teenager.”
“Yes, sorry. I’m an idiot.”
She shakes her head. “You’re not.”
She smooches Pumpkin again. Woof Woof Dog raises his head, thumping his tail eagerly. He’s got the jealous dog look down. I quickly stroke his belly. In response, he raises his tail and curls it around his doggy parts before letting it fall back and letting out the longest and loudest foghorn fart.
I gape at the sound before I realize that sitting here with an open mouth and fart smells in the air isn’t the smartest thing in the world.
“Sorry!” It’s impossible for Carissa to keep a straight face. “Oh my god. You can have a shower if you want. I’ll make us breakfast, and we can eat in here. In bed.”
“Wait.” I snag her around the waist as she goes to walk by. She loses her balance, lets out a little squeal, and ends up sitting down right on my lap.
On my cock.
I’m lucky I don’t make the same high-pitched sound.
“Oh,” she breathes, swiveling on my lap to at least get a side glimpse of my face. “Oh.”
“Sorry. Shit. I didn’t want to lose the moment. There’s nothing more important than what I want to tell you. I might be shit at it, but I need to give it a try.”
“Hold on a second.” She releases Pumpkin onto the bed. Behind us, the dog shifts, rolls onto his side, and farts again. This one is more like a slow wheeze, with much less oomph. “Wow. That hardly makes for a great atmosphere.”
I wait for a minute, sorting out my thoughts before I voice them.
“I meant what I said yesterday.” My arm tightens around her waist, drawing her just a little bit further in.
“You want this, I’ll fight for it. You want me, I’ll figure out how to be here for you.
I don’t want to do music forever. I always saw myself taking a break and having a family.
It’s something I’ve always wanted. I wasn’t just saying it.
There’s room in my life. I want there to be. I’ll make that room.”
My dick twitches under her thighs at the way her whole face softens. “You always did say you wanted kids more than anything, when the time was right.”
“I thought I’d have to shelf that time, but as it is, it just happened.
I’m devastated about it, but I’m going to get through it.
All the hard stuff. It’s going to be a rough couple of weeks, and I’m always going to feel so much guilt over hurting people like this.
The fans. The band. Everyone. Everyone is going to be so upset. ”
“They will, but they know you.” She strokes my cheek, and my heart accelerates to a speed that’s probably not even safe. “They know you’re not going to just give up and disappear forever. It might be a break or the end of Wilder’s Peril, but it’s not the end of you.”
“When I think about the guys, I just want to throw up.”
“For what it’s worth, I think you did the absolute best you could. It’s easier for some people to put the blame on someone else than to admit they were part of the problem. In time, they might change their mind.”
“If not, then it’s going to be a big loss.”
“They might have their own stuff they’re working through.
The most growth usually happens in the hardest, bleakest times.
The only thing you can do is be honest, and if you want to be there when they’re ready, let them know.
They might ridicule you now or scoff at it, but it won’t last forever.
I don’t know them the way you do, but I know them a little, and I think that’s true.
Especially for Matt. He’s responsible for his own happiness, and I know he’ll find it one day.
This isn’t the end of his career either. ”
I don’t know what it is I feel. I haven’t sorted it out. It’s a hundred different things all at the same time. More than I’ve felt throughout most of my life. It’s all hitting hard.
The last thing I thought I would be doing is mixing… whatever this is, with all this change. I don’t even know what stage this is. Desire? Infatuation? Falling? Crushing hard? How can any of those be right for how long I’ve known this woman?
In-between? Is that the right word? I’m trying to bridge the gap from before to now. Professional to personal. Friendship to something more intimate.
If I had a guitar in my hands, I might be able to work through this. The words wouldn’t get stuck in my brain, lodging in some channel that refuses to be reached.