19
Guiding Noah to a frigid metal barstool at his kitchen island, I give his shoulders a grounding squeeze. “Relax here for a second for me. Where are your cups?”
I search for a glass to fill with water, opening every cabinet with no luck. But Noah ditches his barstool, reattaching to me with a hug from behind.
Okay, he’s seriously freaking out.
I try to nuzzle against his head on my shoulder, but his breath is still ragged. He might be too panicked to respond to my scent, but I’m not sure I’m even doing this scent thing right. I feel childish and inexperienced. But whatever Noah is experiencing needs immediate attention - whether it’s wolfy attention or simply the best I can manage.
Dragging Noah by the hand into his living room, I swerve to the worn leather couch the second I see it; the faded dye on the sectional’s long end tells me it’s Noah’s favorite spot. The cushions dip further beneath my weight than I expect, welcoming my body with a soft hug like it was broken in just for me.
But Noah doesn’t sit with me, breaking away to pace across the living room rug. His breathing is rapid, and my heart pounds with each flex of his lungs.
I grip the couch cushions beneath my thighs, straining to keep myself calm for him. “Noah, talk to me. Don’t hold it in.”
“I’m just s-sorry,” he gasps.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for.”
“No, I’m fucking everything up. I could’ve gotten you pregnant, I’m forcing you to meet all these cruel Elders who scared you on purpose, you’re still new to this, and I’m–” Noah drops off, facing the wall so that his back is to me.
“You’re what?”
“I’m not sure I can protect you from everything. What if I can’t?”
My shoulders loosen. Now this is a fear I know how to handle. Uncertainty really does kill.
But if I reassure him now - with an “of course you will” or “it’ll all be fine” - it’ll be a lie. We can’t know what will happen in the future. I don’t know if it’ll be fine, or if he’ll be able to protect me. If I’ll be able to protect myself.
It’s terrifying to do, but giving up control over the unknown actually gave me my life back.
Instead of reassuring Noah, I state the truth. “Maybe you can protect me, or maybe you can’t. That doesn’t mean we can’t get through it - figure it all out once we get there. And either way, it’s my job to protect myself. I’ve made it this far on my own, and it’s my responsibility at the end of the day to do what’s best for me.”
Noah’s voice shakes as he finally meets my eyes. “But you haven’t been okay in the past. You’ve been hurt a lot. I can feel it.” He works his lip between his teeth, struggling to say his next words. “W-what if I accidentally hurt you someday?”
Pain spikes my core at the ache in his voice. This is it. What he’s actually afraid of. And I can completely relate.
“You know, I’ve felt that fear around people I care about too. But like you said earlier, being with you is a risk I’m willing to take.”
He bites his lips, sad eyes searching my face for answers.
So I continue. “I also know people get hurt in all relationships. It just happens. It’s something I have to go to therapy to accept too. And I’m sure you know that already, having to lead all these wolves. No one will ever be 100% happy, no matter what you do.”
Noah nods, his breath slowing. I hold out a hand for him, hoping he’ll join me now.
He doesn’t take it. “I still don’t want to hurt you more.”
“I know. I don’t want to hurt you either. But what if I do someday, even by mistake?”
“I-I’d... Hope we can work it out.”
Giving Noah a soft smile, I nod. “If it were the other way around, I’d hope so too.”
Noah touches his mark absent-mindedly, and relief flows through our bond. But it’s not enough for him to return to my side.
I soften my voice, unable to stop my heart from burning for him. “Is there something you need? I want to support you.”
“I-I don’t know. You’re already so nice to me, and I’m being ridiculous.”
“You’re not. I get it. I really do.” We lock eyes. I grip the couch even tighter, knowing what I have to say. “To be honest, I’m a fearful person. I don’t want to be, but most people and things scare me. Which is why I’m pretty amazed by our bond already. I don’t know how, but I’m not afraid of you, Noah.”
My breath is rapid, but Noah’s tension takes a rapid nosedive, leveling into a gentle hum.
“I think we’re more similar than I realized,” I say. “Believe me, I get what you’re saying.”
After Noah’s glossy irises flit over my face, his wound eyebrows loosen. “I believe you.”
He leans forward to approach me, but he stops himself.
My heart sinks. I don’t think he’s only afraid of hurting others. I think he’s just like me; it’s terrifying to know you could hurt anyone after you’ve been severely hurt.
I swallow hard, trying to sink into my instincts. What should we do, wolf?
An idea pops into my awareness, and I give Noah a soft, sad smile. His eyebrows raise in confusion.
“Noah, I have a bit of a personal question.”
“Okay...”
“I know you’re an influential, tough Alpha, and that probably makes it hard to be the one comforted.” I take a deep breath, worried my next suggestion might pressure him. But with how eager my wolf becomes to soothe her Alpha, I know I have to try. “Has anyone ever held or comforted you before while you’re hurting?”
He drops his head, rubbing his forehead.
Oh, shit. He’s trying not to cry.
Noah simply shakes his head, “no.” As in no, he’s never been held. It guts me.
But with those big hands shaking in front of me, I melt for them. “Come here, my shy Alpha.”
He doesn’t show me his face beneath a curtain of his hair, but he takes my hand, sinking into the cushions beside me. Noah automatically tucks me into his chest, but I pull back, gripping his shoulders to pull him to me instead.
For the first time, he doesn’t seem to know how to fit against me.
“It’s okay. No one else is here.” I scoot back on the sectional couch’s long end - wide enough to double as a bed. Then I pat the open space between my legs. “Come lay right here with me.”
He obliges, scooting closer until his legs dangle off the edge. I bite back a smile; Noah makes his huge sectional look like a toddler bed.
We have a silent battle; I have to urge him to stop tensing to keep himself from crushing me, helping him adjust his position until his head finally rests on my chest. His breath is rapid but quiet, uncertainty flooding our bond. I lace my fingers into the back of his shaved hair, hooking my arm across his wide back to squeeze him against me.
Kissing the top of his head, I stroke the long, tousled strands beneath my lips. My wolf is so happy that she spins, nipping at her tail.
Noah’s abdomen tightens against my thigh, but he doesn’t try to escape. He’s letting himself be held.
My heart must be throbbing against his ear, but I can feel how badly he needs this. I hope he takes it in.
Lowering my voice, I nuzzle into his sweet scent. “I’m sorry you can understand. I wish you weren’t hurt so badly too.”
Noah curls into himself, digging his arms behind my back to squeeze me hard. He holds his breath, and my heart rate increases. Is he too uncomfortable? Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.
But then Noah’s shoulders shake us both. He lets out a soft sob. The fragile, crackling sound stabs deep into my heart.
I hug his head, cuddling him with my whole body. “I know you’ve got me, but I’ve got you too, okay? You don’t have to be alone anymore.”
Noah holds his breath again, so I rub his back, and he lets out another whimper.
“Good job,” I whisper. “Keep letting yourself feel it. You’re doing so well, gorgeous.”
I close my eyes, riding Noah’s emotions with him as I breathe out my own heartache. It tears me apart to hear him softly crying, but it’s also such a relief he’s letting himself go with me. Offloading his heavy heart. I hold him through it, allowing him to cry for minutes upon minutes.
By the time Noah stills - his arms drooping behind my back - his heavy body lulls me to sleep with him.