Chapter 5 — Katherine
I drop my keys twice before I manage to unlock my front door.
It's Thursday evening, just after six, and my hands won't stop shaking.
Not from fear. From anticipation. From the fact that Holt said tomorrow night and tomorrow night is tonight and I have three hours to figure out how to be a normal functioning person before he shows up at my door.
I didn't sleep last night.
Kept replaying the moment in my kitchen when he sat at my table and let me clean blood off his knuckles.
The way he looked at me when he said the first place he wanted to go after burning that warehouse was here.
The way he kissed me before he left and said tomorrow like a promise.
School was a blur.
Louis was in my classroom at eleven and I smiled at him like I always do and tried not to think about the fact that his father's hands were under my shirt two nights ago and tonight they're going to be under more than my shirt.
I taught my classes on autopilot. Kindergarteners learned to clap on beat. First graders practiced their recorders badly.
By the time sixth grade left at two-thirty I couldn't remember a single thing any of them said.
Now I'm home and I have three hours and I need to shower and figure out what to wear and calm down enough that I don't look completely insane when he arrives.
I drop my bag on the couch and walk to my bedroom. Stand in front of my closet for thirty seconds staring at clothes that suddenly all feel wrong.
Too nice looks like I'm trying too hard. Too casual looks like I don't care. I settle on yoga pants and a soft grey t-shirt because at least it's comfortable and he's seen me in yoga pants before.
Shower. Shave my legs even though I shaved them yesterday. Dry my hair and leave it down because he seems to like it down. Put on the yoga pants and t-shirt. Look at myself in the mirror.
I look terrified.
I walk back to the living room and try to find something to do with my hands.
Make dinner I can't eat. Sit on the couch with a book I can't read. Check my phone even though I know he won't call until he's on his way. Stand up. Sit down. Stand up again.
At eight o'clock I give up on pretending to be calm and just pace.
Louis is probably in bed by now. Holt is probably doing the routine. Reading whatever book they're on. Waiting for Louis to fall asleep. Then he'll leave Ray's nephew at his house and drive here and knock on my door and I'm going to let him in and we're going to finish what we started.
My stomach tightens at the thought.
I've had sex before, obviously, but those were boyfriends I dated for months first. Men who were nice and asked permission for everything. Men who made it pleasant and fine and completely forgettable.
Holt is going to be intense and consuming and I'm going to feel it everywhere for days afterward.
The thought makes me sit down because my knees feel unsteady.
At eight-thirty I check my phone again. Nothing. He's probably still with Louis. I'm being ridiculous. I stand up and walk to the kitchen and drink a glass of water I don't need.
At nine o'clock there's a knock on my door.
I'm across the room in three steps. Open the door without checking because I know it's him.
Holt is standing on my porch.
He's wearing jeans and a dark blue t-shirt that makes his eyes look darker. His hair is slightly damp. He's wearing a leather jacket even though it's not cold enough for one. He looks at me and I look at him and for five seconds neither of us moves.
"Hi," I manage.
"Hi."
My mouth is dry. "Come in."
He steps inside and I close the door and lock it and we're standing in my entryway and I can barely breathe. He hasn't touched me yet but I can feel the want rolling off him in waves.
"Where's Louis?" I ask because I need to say something.
"Asleep. Ray's nephew is at my house in case he wakes up."
"How long can you stay?"
"As long as I need to."
We look at each other. The air between us is so thick it feels solid.
"We should talk," he says.
My stomach drops. "Okay."
"Can we sit down?"
I lead him to the couch and we sit facing each other, not touching. His hands are resting on his knees and I can see the bandages I put on his knuckles last night. The bruise on his shoulder is hidden under his shirt and jacket but I know it's there.
"I need to tell you some things before this goes further," he says.
My heart is pounding. "Okay."
He's quiet for a moment, organizing his thoughts. Then he says, "I don't know how to do this slow. I've never been good at slow. When I decide something matters I commit completely and I don't have room for halfway."
"Okay."
"I want you. I've wanted you since I saw you in that parking lot and it's only getting stronger. If we do this, if we actually do this, I'm going to want you in my life in ways that complicate yours."
"How?"
"Louis is going to know. He's eight but he's not stupid. He'll figure out you're important to me and that changes how he sees you at school."
"I can handle that."
"Your job might not be able to. You're his teacher. There are policies."
"I know. I've thought about it. There are ways to manage it."
He nods. "The club is part of this too. Being with me means being connected to Vigil.
That makes you visible to people who shouldn't notice you.
What happened with those prospects on Wednesday, that's going to happen again.
Maybe not exactly like that but the danger doesn't disappear because we want it to. "
"I understand."
"Do you? Because I need you to really understand. Marrow is escalating. They're not stopping because we burned one warehouse. Victor Crane is going to retaliate and when he does, people around Vigil brothers become targets. That could be you."
I take a breath. "I'm scared. I'd be stupid not to be. But I'm more scared of not trying than I am of what might happen if I do."
He looks at me for a long moment. "There's one more thing."
"Okay."
"I'm not good at things people usually need in relationships. I don't talk about my feelings much. I'm not emotionally available in ways you might expect. My ex-wife needed me to be warmer than I am and I couldn't be that person. I tried. It wasn't enough."
"Do you think I need you to be warmer than you are?"
"I don't know. That's the problem. I don't know what you need and I don't know if I can give it."
I lean forward. "Holt."
"Yeah."
"I'm a grown woman. I can tell you what I need. And if you can't give it to me I can tell you that too. But I don't need you to be someone you're not. I need you to be honest with me. Can you do that?"
"Yes."
"Then that's enough."
He's quiet, looking at me like he's trying to decide if I mean it.
"What are you scared of?" he asks.
The question catches me off guard. "What?"
"You told me what you're willing to risk. Tell me what scares you."
I take a breath and tell him the truth. "I'm scared Louis is going to get attached to me and then this won't work and he'll lose someone else.
I'm scared being with you will cost me my job and I've worked hard to build my career here.
I'm scared I'm going to fall for you completely and six months in you'll decide I'm too much or not enough. "
"Anything else?"
"I'm scared two days isn't long enough to know if this is real or if we're caught up in adrenaline and proximity."
He nods like he expected this. "Do you want me to walk away?"
"No."
"Do you want me to slow down?"
"I don't think you can slow down."
"I can't."
"Then no."
He reaches out and takes my hand. His palm is warm and calloused and when his fingers close around mine I feel it in my chest.
"What do you want, Katherine?"
"I want to know what it feels like to be with you. I want to know if this is as real as it feels. I want to stop being guarded and just see what happens."
"And if it doesn't work?"
"At least I'll know I tried."
His grip on my hand tightens. "I'm all in. I need you to know that. If we do this I'm not halfway. I'm not casual. I'm all the way in and I'm going to want you in every part of my life. Louis. The club. Everything. Can you handle that?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
He pulls me forward and kisses me.
It's different from before. Not desperate. Deliberate. Like he's sealing something. I kiss him back and my hands go to his face and I feel the rough stubble under my palms.
He pulls back just enough to look at me. "Say it again."
"I'm all in."
"Say you want this."
"I want this. I want you."
He kisses me again and this time it's hungry.
His hands go to my waist and he pulls me onto his lap so I'm straddling him and I can feel how hard he is. I make a sound and his hands grip my hips harder.
"Katherine," he says against my mouth.
"Yes."
"I want to take you to bed."
"Yes."
He stands with me wrapped around him and carries me down the hall. Sets me down next to my bed and we're both breathing hard now.
He shrugs off his jacket and drops it on the floor. Then his hands come to the hem of my shirt.
"Can I?"
"Yes."
He pulls my shirt over my head slowly, watching my face the whole time. I'm wearing a plain cotton bra and I watch his eyes drop to my breasts and go dark. His hands come up and cup them through the fabric and I feel my nipples tighten immediately.
"God, you're beautiful," he says, and his voice is rougher than before.
"Holt."
"Say my name again."
"Holt."
He reaches behind me and finds the clasp of my bra. Unhooks it with one hand and slides the straps down my arms.
The bra falls and then I'm topless in front of him and his eyes are on me and I should feel self-conscious but the way he's looking at me makes that impossible.
His hands come up to cup my bare breasts and the feeling of his calloused palms on my sensitive skin makes me gasp.
He weighs them in his hands like he's learning them. Then his thumbs brush over my nipples and I make a sound I don't recognize.
"You like that?"
"Yes."
He does it again, watching my face, and my breathing gets faster.
Then he leans down and takes my left nipple in his mouth.