Chapter 8 — Holt
Katherine is asleep in my bed when I wake up Saturday morning.
Third morning this week I've woken up with her here. She stayed Wednesday night after tacos. Thursday night because the routine felt right. Friday night after I asked. Now it's Saturday morning and it's starting to feel less like she's staying over and more like this is just where she belongs.
The room is still dark. Five-forty-five according to the clock on the nightstand.
I should get up and make coffee and start the day but I don't move yet. Just lie here watching her sleep.
She's on her side facing me with one hand tucked under her cheek. Her hair is spread across my pillow. Her breathing is deep and even. The sheet has slipped down to her waist and I can see the curve of her shoulder and the soft swell of her breast.
Ten days. That's how long I've known her.
Ten days since I saw her in that parking lot and something in my chest shifted before my brain understood why.
It feels longer. Feels like she's been in my bed and in my kitchen and in my life for years instead of days.
I reach out and run my fingers through her hair gently and she makes a small sound and shifts closer without waking. I pull her against me and she settles there like this is where she belongs.
It is where she belongs.
I know this the way I know anything certain. Katherine is mine. Permanently. And I'm going to tell her today.
I lie there for another ten minutes just holding her. Then I hear Louis's door open down the hall and his footsteps in the bathroom and I know I need to get up.
I ease out of bed and pull on jeans and a T-shirt. Katherine stirs but doesn't wake. I go downstairs and start coffee, and Louis appears in the kitchen five minutes later in pajamas with his hair sticking up.
"Morning," he says.
"Morning. You want pancakes?"
"Is Katherine making them?"
"She's still asleep."
"Can we wait for her?"
I look at my son. "You like when she makes them?"
"She makes them fluffier than yours."
"They're the same recipe."
"Hers are better."
I don't argue. "We can wait. Go watch cartoons."
He disappears into the living room and I drink coffee and think about the fact that my eight-year-old son now expects Katherine to be here on Saturday mornings.
That he's disappointed when she's not making breakfast. That he talks about her at school and asks when she's coming over and shows her his projects like she's someone permanent.
She is someone permanent.
I hear footsteps on the stairs and Katherine appears wearing my t-shirt and nothing else that I can see. Her hair is a mess and her eyes are still heavy with sleep and she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
"Morning," she says.
"Morning. Coffee?"
"Please."
I pour her a cup and hand it to her. She wraps both hands around it and leans against the counter and we stand in my kitchen drinking coffee in comfortable silence.
"Louis wants pancakes," I say. "He wants you to make them."
She smiles. "Does he."
"Says yours are better than mine."
"They're the same recipe."
"That's what I told him."
"I'll make them." She sets her cup down. "Let me get dressed first."
"You don't have to get dressed."
"I'm not making pancakes in your t-shirt with your son in the next room."
"Fair."
She goes upstairs and comes back five minutes later in yoga pants and her own shirt. We make pancakes together and Louis comes in when he smells them and climbs into his chair at the table.
"I knew you'd make them," he says to Katherine.
"Your dad could have made them."
"Yours are better."
"They're exactly the same."
"Nope."
We eat breakfast together and Louis talks about wanting to go to the hardware store because I promised we could look at the new drill bits that came in.
Katherine asks what's special about drill bits. Louis launches into an explanation that is probably seventy percent wrong but delivered with complete confidence.
She listens like she's genuinely interested.
After breakfast we all get dressed and pile into my truck.
The hardware store is fifteen minutes away and Louis talks the entire drive about drills and bits and a project he wants to build.
Katherine asks questions and I drive and think about the fact that this is my life now. Saturday mornings with my son and my woman and the three of us fitting together like we were designed for it.
The hardware store is quiet this early.
We walk the aisles and Louis examines drill bits with the seriousness of someone choosing a car. Katherine watches him and then looks at me and smiles and I feel it in my chest.
"What?" I ask.
"He's like you. So focused."
"That a good thing?"
"Yes."
We buy the drill bits Louis wants even though we don't have an immediate use for them. Then we drive to the park because it's a clear day and Louis needs to run around before he explodes.
The park is mostly empty. A few other families. Louis heads straight for the climbing structure and Katherine and I sit on a bench nearby where we can see him but give him space.
She leans against my shoulder. I put my arm around her.
We sit like that watching Louis play and not talking and the ease of it is notable.
Ten days ago I didn't know her. Now sitting in silence with her feels more natural than talking to most people.
"This is nice," she says quietly.
"Yeah."
"Does it feel fast to you? The way we fit together?"
"No. Feels like it was always going to happen and we just needed time to get here."
She lifts her head and looks at me. "That's exactly how it feels to me."
I kiss her forehead. "Good."
Louis plays for forty-five minutes and then comes back sweaty and happy. We drive home and he wants to watch a movie so I set him up in the living room and Katherine and I start making dinner together.
She's chopping vegetables and I'm browning meat and we move around each other in my small kitchen with the coordination of people who've done this more than a handful of times.
She reaches for the cutting board at the same time I need the pan and we collide slightly and she laughs and I grab her waist and pull her against me just because I can.
"Holt," she says, but she's smiling.
"What."
"Louis is right there."
"He's watching a movie."
"He could come in."
"Let him."
She looks at me for a second and then reaches up and kisses me quickly. "You're trouble."
"Just figuring that out?"
We finish making dinner and eat together and Louis talks about the movie he's watching and asks if Katherine can stay again tonight.
I look at her and she looks at me and says yes before I can ask.
After dinner Louis has his bath and I read to him and he's asleep by eight-thirty. I come back downstairs and Katherine is on the back porch sitting in one of the chairs looking out at the dark yard.
I grab two beers from the fridge and go outside and hand her one. Sit in the chair next to hers. We drink in silence for a minute and the night is quiet except for crickets and the distant sound of a car on the main road.
My chest feels tight. I've been carrying this all day and now it's time to say it.
"Katherine."
She turns to look at me. "Yes?"
"I need to tell you something."
"Okay."
I set my beer down and lean forward with my elbows on my knees. Look at her in the dark. "I love you."
She goes completely still. "Holt."
"I'm not asking you to say it back. I'm just telling you. I love you. I've known since Thursday but I wanted to wait until it felt right to say it and tonight feels right."
She sets her beer down and I watch her face in the dim light from the kitchen window. Her eyes are bright. Her mouth is soft. She's looking at me like I just gave her something she's been waiting for.
"Can I say something?" she asks quietly.
"Yeah."
"I love you too."
Something in my chest that I didn't know was locked opens completely. "Say it again."
"I love you, Holt."
"Again."
"I love you. I've known since Thursday morning. Since waking up here and making pancakes and watching you with him. I wanted to tell you but I wasn't sure if you were ready to hear it."
I stand up and pull her out of her chair and into my arms. She comes willingly, wrapping her arms around my neck, and I hold her so tight I'm probably hurting her but she doesn't complain.
"Say it again," I say against her hair.
"I love you."
I pull back enough to cup her face in both hands. Look at her. "You and Louis are my whole life now. You know that, right?"
"Yes."
"Good."
I kiss her and she kisses me back and it's different from every other time. Not desperate. Not urgent. Just certain. We kiss for a long time on my back porch with her in my arms and the night around us and when we finally pull apart we're both breathing hard.
"Come inside," she says.
"Yeah."
We go inside and I lock the back door out of habit. Katherine takes my hand and leads me to the couch and pulls me down next to her. We sit facing each other and she's looking at me with this expression that makes my throat tight.
"I love you," she says again, like she's testing how it sounds.
"I love you," I say back.
She launches herself at me and I catch her and pull her into my lap and she's straddling me and kissing me and I'm kissing her back and my hands are in her hair and on her hips and everywhere.
"Holt," she breathes against my mouth.
"Yeah."
"This is real."
"This is real."
She kisses me again and I can feel her smiling. I'm smiling too which is something I don't do often but with her it's easy. She pulls back and cups my face in both hands.
"Say it one more time," she says.
"I love you, Katherine."
"I love you, Holt."
We sit there on my couch just holding each other and it's enough. More than enough.
We kiss slowly and she makes small happy sounds and I feel like my chest might crack open from how much I feel for her.
Eventually she shifts and curls against my side with her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her and we sit in comfortable silence while the house settles around us.
"What happens now?" she asks quietly.
"We keep doing this. You stay here more. Louis gets used to it being normal. We build this."
"Okay."