CHAPTER 15
I FUCKED UP BEFORE I EVEN FUCKED HIM
Zaviyah woke up Monday morning with a headache, swollen eyes, and exactly one text from Samaria.
DO NOT COME TO MY HOUSE.
That was it.
No good morning.
No fuck you.
No paragraph.
Just six words.
Zaviyah stared at them until the screen went dark.
Kyren climbed onto the bed.
“Mama.”
She opened one eye.
“What?”
“Daddy time out?”
Zaviyah covered her face.
Lord.
Children remembered the worst shit.
“Yes.”
Kyren frowned.
“Why?”
“Grown up stuff.”
“Daddy bad?”
“No.”
“Daddy sad?”
Zaviyah slowly lowered her hands.
“I don’t know.”
Kyren thought about it.
Then climbed on top of her.
“Call Daddy.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because Daddy in time out.”
Kyren looked offended.
“Time out done.”
Zaviyah laughed despite herself.
“Who told you?”
“Me.”
“Of course.”
Her phone rang.
She looked down.
Kavon.
Kyren saw it.
“DADDY!”
“Shhh.”
“Daddy call!”
“Yes, I see.”
“Answer.”
“Why you running my phone?”
“Daddy.”
Zaviyah sighed and answered.
“Hello?”
“Morning.”
His voice was careful.
Too careful.
“Morning.”
“You okay?”
“No.”
“Yeah.”
Silence.
Kyren climbed beside her and yelled toward the phone.
“DADDY!”
Kavon’s whole tone changed.
“What’s up, little man?”
“Time out done.”
Zaviyah closed her eyes.
Kavon laughed softly.
“Is it?”
“Yes.”
“Your mama say that?”
Kyren looked at Zaviyah.
“Mama?”
“No.”
Kyren turned back toward the phone.
“Yes.”
“You lying little shit.”
Kyren smiled.
“Bad word.”
Kavon laughed.
Zaviyah almost did.
Then she remembered yesterday.
The kitchen.
His body too close.
His eyes on her mouth.
Samaria standing in the doorway.
Her sister’s face.
Everything inside Zaviyah shut back down.
“Kavon.”
His voice changed.
“Yeah?”
“We need boundaries.”
“I know.”
“No, for real this time.”
“I know.”
“You cannot come over whenever.”
“Okay.”
“You cannot be in my house alone with me.”
Silence.
“Kavon.”
“I heard you.”
“You sound mad.”
“I’m not mad.”
“What are you?”
He took a breath.
“Trying not to say something stupid.”
“Then don’t.”
“Okay.”
Zaviyah sat up.
“And Kyren seeing you does not mean seeing me.”
“I understand.”
“If you want time with him, we can meet somewhere.”
“Okay.”
“My mama house.”
“Okay.”
“Your mama house eventually.”
“Okay.”
“And once I’m comfortable, you can take him for a few hours.”
“Okay.”
Zaviyah frowned.
“Why you keep saying okay?”
“Because you told me you needed boundaries.”
“I did.”
“So I’m respecting them.”
That should have made her feel better.
It didn’t.
Kyren tugged her shirt.
“Daddy come?”
“Not today.”
His face dropped.
Kavon heard it.
“Can I pick him up tomorrow?”
Zaviyah hesitated.
“Where you taking him?”
“Maybe Flamingo Gardens.”
She frowned.
“With who?”
“My mama.”
“Patrice going?”
“Yeah.”
Zaviyah relaxed slightly.
“That’s fine.”
Kavon went quiet.
“What?”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Trusting me enough to let me take him.”
Zaviyah’s throat tightened.
“Don’t make me regret it.”
“I won’t.”
Another silence.
Then Kavon asked quietly.
“How’s Samaria?”
Zaviyah’s face hardened.
“You should ask her.”
“She blocked me.”
“Join the club.”
“She blocked you too?”
“Not yet.”
“Oh.”
“But she told me not to come over.”
Kavon sighed.
“I fucked everything up.”
Zaviyah laughed bitterly.
“We.”
“No.”
“What?”
“I’m not putting that kitchen shit on you.”
She went quiet.
“I was the one who followed you inside.”
“Yes.”
“I was the one who got too close.”
“Yes.”
“I should’ve walked away.”
“Yes.”
Kavon paused.
“But you should’ve too.”
Zaviyah’s chest tightened.
“There it is.”
“I’m not blaming you.”
“It sounds like it.”
“I’m saying we both know what almost happened.”
Zaviyah looked toward Kyren.
He had already lost interest and was jumping on the bed.
“Which is why it won’t happen again.”
“Okay.”
“That’s it?”
“What you want me to say?”
“I don’t know.”
Kavon laughed softly.
“That’s our problem.”
“What?”
“We both keep saying we don’t know.”
Zaviyah went quiet.
He continued.
“I know I love Samaria.”
Her stomach tightened.
“And I know I’m attracted to you.”
“Kavon.”
“I’m not trying to start nothing.”
“Then stop talking.”
“I’m being honest.”
“Well, honesty got us fucked up yesterday.”
“No. Avoiding the truth got us fucked up.”
That landed harder than she wanted.
Zaviyah sighed.
“I gotta go.”
“Okay.”
“Bye.”
“Bye, Viyah.”
Her whole body froze.
He hadn’t called her that since Tampa.
Nobody called her Viyah the way he did.
Not like that.
“Kavon.”
“What?”
“Don’t call me that.”
Silence.
“Okay, Zaviyah.”
She hung up.
Immediately.
Kyren stared at her.
“Mama mad.”
“No.”
“Daddy sad.”
“Probably.”
Kyren crawled into her lap.
“Daddy love Mama?”
Zaviyah stopped breathing.
“What?”
Kyren smiled.
“Daddy love Mama?”
Where the fuck did he get that?
“No, baby.”
Kyren frowned.
“Daddy love Auntie?”
Zaviyah’s heart cracked.
She looked at her son.
“Yes.”
“At least he did.”
Kyren looked confused.
Good.
Stay confused.
Adults were fucking exhausting.
By noon, Zaviyah’s mama had called six times.
She finally answered.
“What?”
Loretta didn’t bother saying hello.
“You embarrassed me yesterday.”
Zaviyah laughed.
“Mama, please.”
“No. I’m serious.”
“So am I.”
“You almost kissed your sister’s man in my kitchen.”
“Ex.”
The second the word came out, Zaviyah wanted to slap herself.
Loretta went silent.
Then said, “That right there.”
“What?”
“You keep saying that shit.”
“I know.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.”
Apparently everybody had joined the same
fucking therapy class.
“Mama.”
“Do you want Kavon?”
Zaviyah stared at the wall.
“No.”
Too fast.
Loretta laughed.
“Okay.”
“What?”
“That was a lie.”
“Why everybody think they know what I feel?”
“Because your face always told on you.”
Zaviyah rolled her eyes.
“Whatever.”
“Listen to me.”
“What?”
“Your sister is hurt.”
“I know.”
“And Kavon got a son now.”
“I know.”
“And you are caught in the middle.”
“I know.”
“So don’t do something stupid just because shit feels good.”
Zaviyah went quiet.
Loretta continued.
“You and your sister been together your whole life.”
“I know.”
“Niggas come and go.”
“Mama.”
“I’m not saying Kavon ain’t gonna be around. He got Kyren now, so he family whether anybody like it or not.”
That made Zaviyah uncomfortable.
“But that does not mean he gotta become yours.”
Zaviyah swallowed.
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
Loretta sighed.
“And stop arguing with everybody on Facebook.”
Zaviyah froze.
“What?”
“I saw your comment.”
“What comment?”
“Somebody said you was sleeping with your sister man and you told them to worry about their baby daddy before he ended up on your DNA test.”
Zaviyah covered her mouth.
“Mama.”
“That shit was funny.”
Zaviyah started laughing.
“But delete it.”
“I already did.”
“Good.”
They hung up.
Zaviyah sat on the couch thinking.
Then her phone buzzed.
Instagram message.
From Nasir.
She frowned.
Why the fuck was Samaria’s new little friend messaging her?
NASIR
Can I ask you something?
Zaviyah stared at the screen.
Then typed.
Depends.
NASIR
Is Samaria okay?
Zaviyah frowned.
Ask her.
His response came fast.
She keeps saying she is.
And?
NASIR
She isn’t.
Zaviyah stared.
Something about that irritated her.
Not because Nasir was wrong.
Because he was close enough to notice.
She typed.
Then be there for her.
Nasir responded.
Trying.
Then another message.
NASIR
She spent last night crying over your sister relationship more than Kavon.
Zaviyah froze.
What?
NASIR
She misses you.
Zaviyah’s throat tightened.
She didn’t respond.
Nasir sent one more.
NASIR
Whatever happened with that man, fix your shit with your sister before it gets too far gone.
Zaviyah stared.
Then typed.
Respectfully, stay out of me and my sister business.
NASIR
Fair.
No argument.
Damn.
Why were people suddenly being reasonable?
It was irritating.
That afternoon, Zaviyah took Kyren to her mama’s place in Washington Park.
Loretta had him in the backyard with sidewalk chalk within ten minutes.
Zaviyah sat at the patio table scrolling through her phone.
The gossip page had posted again.
This time the caption said:
DNA RESULTS CONFIRMED KAVON MERCER IS THE DADDY.
Zaviyah sat up.
“What the fuck?”
Loretta looked over.
“What?”
“How did they get the results?”
“What results?”
“The DNA.”
Loretta walked over.
Zaviyah showed her.
Loretta frowned.
“Did you tell anybody?”
“Malissa.”
“Girl.”
“Malissa would not send this shit.”
“Kavon?”
“No.”
“Rashaad?”
Zaviyah froze.
Maybe.
She immediately called him.
Rashaad answered.
“What?”
“Did you tell somebody the results?”
“No.”
“Don’t lie.”
“I didn’t.”
“Jalisa?”
“Probably.”
Zaviyah closed her eyes.
“Why?”
“She told her sister.”
“Why the fuck would she do that?”
“Because that’s her sister.”
Zaviyah stared at the phone.
“You know what? Fuck all y’all.”
“Why me?”
“Because you brought this shit to my house.”
“Your sister called my wife.”
“Because she needed dates!”
“And now everybody got dates.”
Zaviyah hung up.
Loretta laughed.
“This whole thing messy.”
“You think?”
“I’m just saying.”
Zaviyah’s phone buzzed again.
Another message.
This one from Samaria.
She opened it immediately.
SAMARIA
Did you leak the results?
Zaviyah’s heart dropped.
She typed fast.
Hell no.
SAMARIA
Everybody saying you trying to make y’all little family public.
Zaviyah’s anger exploded.
Who is everybody?
SAMARIA
Does it matter?
YES.
Three dots.
Then Samaria stopped typing.
Zaviyah called.
Samaria answered.
“What?”
“Why would you think I leaked that?”
“I asked.”
“No. You accused me.”
“I said did you.”
“And then said people think I’m trying to make a family with Kavon.”
“Well?”
Zaviyah went silent.
Samaria laughed.
“There it is.”
“No. Fuck that.”
Zaviyah stood.
“You wanna be mad at me about yesterday, fine.”
“I am.”
“You wanna be mad that I have feelings, fine.”
“I am.”
“But don’t make me some thirsty bitch trying to take your man.”
“Ex.”
Silence.
Zaviyah closed her eyes.
Fuck.
Samaria laughed softly.
“You really can’t stop.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am.”
“Why does correcting me matter so much?”
“I don’t know.”
“Because part of you likes that he ain’t mine anymore.”
Zaviyah froze.
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No.”
“You sure?”
Zaviyah swallowed.
Samaria whispered.