36. Dollie—present day #3
“Every single thing that hurt you, I wouldn’t do it. I wish I could start everything over. I think the pressure of the house and being there caused me to boil over. Having to listen to the whispers of you and him together in really fucked up ways. It was sickening.”
“What whispers?”
“It was constant.” Stress comes out in Shane’s voice. “Voices in my ears. That’s why I agreed to go out that night and didn’t want to come home when we were out. I know my behavior was wrong that night, too.”
“You heard things in the house? Why didn’t you tell me? You told me I was going crazy.”
“I couldn’t tell you about it because I didn’t wanna frighten you.
I let you think you were going crazy, but I heard things, too.
I saw things in there that made me afraid for you to stay there alone.
Yeah, I know he’s there, too. He’s also fucking dangerous, and you shouldn’t be around him.
” Shane cannot bring himself to use Ambrose’s name.
“I had to keep reminding you that your mom and dad weren’t there because I needed to remind myself. ”
“You saw my parents. When?”
“That day you found out everything in the bathroom, like you said. But they’d been there before that. I’d heard your mom singing, your dad trying to comfort you those first few nights when you were adjusting.”
“I heard my dad the first night we got here.” I stare up at the tragic vision that is my house. Goosebumps line my body when I remember Annabelle is in there alone.
Shane nods, agreeing. “I was fucking scared, but I tried to push all those feelings aside, but I couldn’t, and everything got crazy.
I got crazy. Breaking your mom’s things.
What was I thinking? I think I did it, partly through fear and partly because I hated the thought of what was coming.
You hurt me by telling me we were done, and I wanted to hurt you too.
But fuck, it’s haunted me, and I really am sorry, Dollancie. ”
Staring down at his hand on mine, I don’t stop him when he laces our fingers or takes my knuckles to his mouth and kisses them.
“Did anything physical ever happen with those girls?”
“No. Never. It wasn’t just me. All the guys at the body shop were trying to compete with each other, seeing who could rack up the most interest. It was all a game to us, and I’m so sorry you got hurt because of my fucking stupidity. Nothing physical happened, no real feelings, nothing.”
“All the guys?”
“Yeah. Like I said, it wasn’t real. It was just a stupid game.”
“Did they all go home and beat up their wives?”
“No.” Shane hangs his head in shame. “I’ve really blown things, haven’t I? We can’t get past it?”
“You tried to flip the blame to me, telling me?—”
“I know. I said you were in love with that freak.”
The goosebumps on my arms multiply, and in silence, I thank my hoodie for hiding them.
“It was just the voices. It got to be too much.”
“My parents weren’t the best judges of character, Shane.” Clearly not, as Mom had set me up on a blind date with Shane, and look where we are now. “They didn’t ever get to know their children as they should have. Ambrose and I, growing up, we only had each other.”
“That’s his fault, and it isn’t what they were saying.”
“It isn’t what anyone says.”
“I know, but it’s only them I ever listened to.” He turns away, directing his gaze at the house and peering inside.
“He’s not home if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“I wasn’t. How’s it coming along?”
“The decorating? It looks good downstairs. I’ve really thrown myself into it this last week.”
“I have my first therapy appointment on Saturday, but I can come and try to help paint over the words outside when I’m done. I can’t promise it’ll be great, but I promise I’ll try my best.”
I don’t answer, collecting the bag of trash at my feet as it falls on its side and the contents spill out.
I tremble, knowing how particular Shane is with his car. But he says nothing about the leftover food.
“I really am sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. I really did book that venue you wanted, and I know the wedding might not go ahead, but if we can take things slow, I can promise I’ll be better.
We can start over as husband and wife. We can be happy again.
One chance, one date at a time. Please, what do you say? Can I see you again?”
Taking a moment, I think about it. The years of us together with no physical violence, should they really be tainted by one terrible night?
“I promise to do better. Therapy will help. And just so you know, I’ve spoken to my mother. She should never have talked to you the way she did. I know that would have upset you.”
Keeping my lips sealed and the bitter taste in my mouth over his mother, I nod, agreeing.
“So, I can see you again?”
The idea of therapy and his commitment to change sway my decision.
“You can see me Saturday when you help clean up that mess.” Head bobbing to the house, I step out of the car.
“Dollancie,” I freeze, half out of the car and half in, to the sound of my name. “I love you.”
A chill runs through my body, and I can’t be sure if it’s from apprehension or hope. Maybe he will change. Maybe everyone needs to get a little pent-up frustration out of their system. Maybe that’s what Lucky did for me, and maybe things will be better now with Shane.
Deciding it’s hope, I give a little of that hope back when I say, “Prove it.”