Chapter 5
Alana
The shitty thing about teaching high school seniors was that you couldn’t trick them into thinking it was just a movie day. They saw right through me.
“Someone hit it too hard last night!” one of my students, Vik, shouted when I pulled down the screen. The sound was like a sledgehammer to the brain.
I could’ve called out. From the time I woke to the moment I walked into my classroom I’d thought about it at least twenty times. If Jayce hadn’t called me this morning, I wouldn’t have even woken up. He was a lifesaver, although I’d spewed some pretty fucked up insults at him when I answered the phone. He just laughed about it, of course.
That wine he made really went to my head. Like, really went to my head. I didn’t even remember going to sleep, but I assumed Jayce was the one who got me there. Again, he was my fucking savior.
The dreams were fucking strange. I assumed they stemmed from that conversation we had the other day about kidnapping and masks because that was essentially what I’d seen.
A man in a black mask and a hood was in my bed pleasuring me- eating my fucking pussy.
How’s that for unbelievable? If someone actually broke into my home, there’s no way they’d come in, get me off, then leave. I even looked around for anything suspicious before I left because it had felt so real. It was foggy, though. My head had been swimming when I’d looked down and seen him between my legs and I couldn’t even get my eyes to focus all the way. There could’ve been three identical men for all I knew.
It was strange, that was for sure. Sex dreams weren’t a new occurrence for me, but they hadn’t happened since Jake died. I hadn’t thought about sex at all, really. Maybe once or twice, but I didn’t like to think about that because they all happened when I was around Jayce. It was wrong and stupid. I wanted to attribute it to him looking like Jake, but if I was being honest, I’d looked at him even before that. How couldn’t I? He was beautiful.
Yeah, that was weird too. They were identical twins, so I shouldn’t have looked at him and found him beautiful in a different way than his brother, but I did.
I’d been around them long enough to tell the difference. Jayce had a small scar above his lip and his face was more expressive. Oftentimes, he looked stoic and intense, but it was easy to get him to smile and laugh. He loved to tease and have fun. Jake used to, but over the years, we settled into something more reserved and… I didn’t want to say boring, but it sort of was. That was what happened in relationships, though. Things calmed down. You didn’t play around as much as you used to and it got comfortable. There wasn’t anything wrong with that.
Except, apparently there was. At some point, Jake had gone out and had a whole fucking baby. I didn’t know how long ago because the lawyer wouldn’t give me specific information about the other recipients of his life insurance.
Was it in college? Recently? Had he still been seeing this woman up until he died? I had so many questions I simultaneously did and didn’t want the answers to.
Someone had to know. I was afraid to reach out to his parents because if they didn’t know, I’d be tarnishing their opinion about him. It felt like enough that me and Jayce had to feel that disappointment in him. I didn’t want to. The man was dead, but he’d cheated on me, so I couldn’t really help it.
If I told them, they might even want to meet this kid. After all, it was their grandchild. The thought of that made me nauseous. Did Jayce want that? He had a niece or nephew out there somewhere. He didn’t want his own kids, but he always interacted with his younger cousins when he saw them and after one of them had a baby, he stole the little thing for all of Thanksgiving dinner. He was amazing with children. This was a piece of his brother and there was a chance he’d want to be involved. It was his decision and I couldn’t try to influence what he chose to do.
The bell rang, drawing me out of my musings and triggering a sharp pain behind my eyes.
“Don’t forget we’re starting presentations for your ancient civilizations project on Monday!” I called as everyone darted for the door. When the room was empty, I slumped in my seat with a groan. It was my free period and I seriously considered using it to nap, but if I wanted to avoid doing work tomorrow, I needed to get these things out of the way. I’d meant to grade midterms yesterday after the appointment with the lawyer but for obvious reasons, that didn’t happen.
My phone buzzed and I narrowed my eyes at it before I flipped it over.
Jayce: Boo.
Alana: *gasp* So scary. Maybe you should up your Halloween game.
The door flew open and I screamed. The phone tumbled to the floor and I almost fell out of my seat. A grinning Jayce stood there with two iced coffees. If he wasn’t holding those, I’d probably try to slam his face into the corner of my desk.
“Scary enough for you?” he asked as he set the drink down in front of me.
“That was completely unnecessary.”
“I beg to differ. You look on the verge of death.”
“Yeah, I am, and that little stunt didn’t help.”
He stuck his lower lip out in a pout. “You’re not happy to see me.”
“Not one bit.” Even as I said it, my lips tried to betray my amusement.
“Yeah, you’re ecstatic. You can’t lie to me. I see right through you, Alana.”
His voice took on a deeper tone when he said my name. I studied him, trying to determine if something was up. He looked normal. Black t-shirt, jeans, and stylish boots. His hair was unstyled, which allowed a few wavy black strands to fall over his forehead. He kept it longer than Jake had and I’d always liked it.
“Sugar free,” he said, nodding toward the coffee. “With protein and an extra shot.”
“But I want sugar.”
“That’s the last thing you need after all that wine. Would I ever steer you wrong?”
“Yeah,” I muttered before I took a sip.
With a chuckle, he leaned back against the desk. He was so close that I could smell him. His scent was like tobacco and vanilla, but not in a gross way. It was rugged and inviting, even though those weren’t two words I’d use to describe him in most cases. He was sweet and charismatic, but most people wouldn’t come up to him if they didn’t know him. He looked like he could knock someone out with a single glare.
After high school, Jake didn’t maintain his muscle from when he played sports, but Jayce did. He was bulkier than he had been back then, with biceps that looked too big for any shirt he wore and abs that could give a bitch a concussion. I only knew that because he dragged me to the lake during the warm months. Since I didn’t work in the summer, he made me go often, especially this year. I’d been grateful for it. Staying idle didn’t help with the grief and depression.
“Hey, space cadet,” he said. I looked up to find him smirking. “Where’s your head at?”
“Nowhere,” I lied.
“Mhm. Tell me or I’m taking away your coffee.”
I cradled the cup to my chest. “I just want to know more.”
“What good will it do?”
“It won’t be good , but not knowing is driving me insane.”
He studied me for a long moment. With a sigh, he took me by the arms and pulled me to my feet. When he crushed me to his chest, I almost refused, but it was so comforting that I tucked myself in and took a deep breath.
“I have to go to a job site for a little while, but tonight we’re going out. We’ll get your mind off of this.”
“That won’t fix anything.”
“It doesn’t have to. Are you in a rush to make yourself more upset by finding information?”
“No, but-”
“Then let it go for a bit. You can find out more about her later.”
I nodded reluctantly. Getting drunk sounded like a very bad idea, but I could still go out. We weren’t college students anymore. We knew how to have fun without destroying our livers.
“Wait,” I said, lifting my head. He stared down at me, his expressive blue eyes intense. “Her?”
His lips parted, then he rolled them. “Yeah, whoever this woman is.”
“Is that what you meant?”
“Of course.”
Taking a step back, I studied his face. If I didn’t know him so well, I wouldn’t have seen the way he bit down on his tongue, making his cheek move the slightest amount.
“You’re lying.”
“Alana.” He reached for me, but I shook my head and took another step away from him.
“Jayce, don’t tell me you knew. Don’t fucking tell me that.”
It looked like he was going to lie, then he dropped his head back to look at the ceiling. “What do you want me to say?”
“How about you tell me why you would lie to me too? That’s… Fuck, Jayce!”
“Hey, don’t start yelling,” he said softly. “We can talk about this.”
“Talk about it,” I scoffed. “That’s interesting. Maybe we should have done that months ago. Years? I don’t even know because I have no idea how long this kid has existed.”
“I can tell you if you want to know.”
“Of course I want to fucking know.”
“She’s nine. Her mom is someone from our high school. As far as I know, he barely saw the kid and they were fine with that as long as he paid child support every month.”
My head was spinning worse than it had been all day.
“What the fuck? Why would he hide this from me?”
“Because he was a coward.”
“That makes you a coward too.”
His jaw hardened. When he stepped into me, I backed up against the whiteboard.
“I found out a month before he died and I gave him an ultimatum. He tells you or I do. After the fire, I didn’t know what to do, Alana. It didn’t feel right to add more to your pain.”
“You should have told me.” I shoved on his chest, but he didn’t budge.
“It was his mistake. I’m not going to be demonized for it. All I’ve ever wanted is what’s best for you, Alana.”
“That’s a fucking lie! You didn’t do what’s best for me.”
His eyes darkened as he leaned closer, pinning me with a gaze so intense that I wanted to look away. When I turned, he grabbed onto my jaw and held me in place.
“You’re right. If I did what was best for you, I would’ve ripped you from his arms a decade ago, but what good would it have done? You can’t even fucking look at me without seeing him. You’ll always cast me in his shadow and because of his endless disappointments, I don’t even get the chance to claw my way out.”
Before I could attempt to formulate a response, he released me. The door latched behind him and I was left staring at the place he’d just been. My breaths were rapid, as if I’d just run a mile.
With shaky hands, I picked up the phone on my desk and hit the extension for the principal.
“Principal McKay,” he answered in a chipper voice.
“Hey, this is Miss Monroe. Something has come up and I need to head out early for the day. Do we have a sub who can cover me?”
He hummed for a minute. “How about I have Jane put on a movie for your classes and she’ll pop over to check on them a few times to make sure they’re doing alright?”
“That sounds perfect. I was giving them a movie day anyway.”
“Great! Is everything okay?”
“It will be. Just some family things. You know how it goes.”
“Sure, sure. You let me know if you need anything, alright?”
“Will do. I’ll see you Monday.”
After I hung up, I gathered my things and ran out the door. I didn’t know what I was going to do right now, but I couldn’t be at work. A bottle of wine at home was always an option, but if I kept dealing with my problems with alcohol by myself, I was going to develop a habit.
It was Halloween. I was sure I could find someplace to be that would keep me away from my spiraling thoughts.