Chapter 41
Alana
He was gone. What had he done with him? Why… Why would he do that?
I should have left. After going into that basement, there was no reason to stay. Jayce had killed. I knew that, sure, but then I saw him… He was in some freaky coffin and he’d been covered in plant material. I wanted to ask, but I also didn’t want to know.
Why didn’t I leave? Why was I still here?
It was because I loved him, of course. Love, which was supposed to be a beautiful emotion, was keeping me shackled here. And I couldn’t bring myself to want to leave. It was just that I knew it was the logical thing to do.
Jayce killed my brother and I had no idea why. I was angry and hurt and completely shattered. Terror should’ve been in that list too, but I wasn’t afraid of him.
That was insane. Completely batshit crazy. Was this some sort of symptom of manipulation? I didn’t know if what he’d done could lead to this ridiculous sense of loyalty I had for him. I wanted to make excuses for him.
There had to be a reason, right? He said that everyone he killed was a threat. He… was protecting me.
Yes. That had to be it. Somehow, Ben was a threat. But was he a threat to me physically or to what I had with Jayce? After everything he’d done, I imagined he’d do anything to keep me. I wanted to see that as sweet.
God, I was fucked in the head. I needed to sort it all out, but my mind kept going round in circles and it always landed on what I felt for Jayce. It was selfish to love him and accept all of this just so that we could be together. After everything I’d been through in life, maybe I deserved to be selfish.
Who decided what was and wasn’t acceptable? He killed some people, but I trusted him deep down.
One thing I did need was the truth. It was possible he’d tell me if I just asked. What if he didn’t?
Shit, shit, shit.
My head hurt. It ached and pounded. The more I thought, the worse it became.
There was music somewhere out there. Was I imagining that? Disney. I couldn’t pinpoint the movie, but it was comforting.
It must’ve been my imagination. My mind was fracturing, so it was trying to protect itself from the bad things. Sometimes, when I was little, it did the same thing. I’d sing to myself and imagine that someone was singing with me. My dad called me a basket case when I told him, so I stopped singing altogether.
Ben was the only real thing that held me together back then until I met Jake. Or Jayce. I didn’t know which one had actually brought me more comfort. Probably the latter. At this point, why should I even lie about it? If they would’ve asked me to be with both of them, I would’ve said yes in an instant.
But Jayce… god, I loved him. I should’ve accepted that sooner, consequences be damned.
Ben always liked him. Ben… Who else?
Lying on my side, I rocked forward and backward as I asked that question repeatedly. I needed to know. It mattered somehow, but I didn’t know why.
“I love you,” I whispered, realizing I hadn’t said it back earlier. “I love you, I love you. Who? Who else? Who…”
My words became jumbled along with my thoughts. I hadn’t slept more than an hour each night since I went into that basement on Saturday. It certainly wasn’t helping me keep my shit together.
Who else? Who else? Who else? Who else?
With a growl, I squeezed my eyes shut. I wanted to watch a Disney movie too, but I still didn’t know if it was real and I couldn’t bring myself to go out there. He’d see. All these messed up things in my head would freak him out and he’d make me talk about it. I wasn’t ready yet.
I just needed to sleep. If I rested, I’d be able to sort through everything.
Ben’s green eyes stared back at me behind my lids and I whimpered. Where’d he go? I just wanted to see him again. Why didn’t he let me see him one more time?
What did he do with Ben?