Chapter 20
Salvation came for Helena the following morning in the form of an invitation.
“What’s that?” Sebastian asked as she walked into the breakfast room. She had the letter in hand, having just been given it by the staff.
“Oh…” She looked up, her heart fluttering when she saw her husband seated at the table, watching her. The morning light shone on him, and his smile was ever-present and just for her. “It is a letter from my mother.”
“Nothing bad, I hope.”
Helena frowned as she quickly read the letter again. And once she did, an idea formed, and she was quick to seize on it.
“My sister and her husband are visiting my mother and father for a few days,” she explained, nodding along as she considered her options. “And she asks that I pay her a visit when I have the chance.”
“Ah, I see.” Sebastian furrowed his brow as he considered. “Shall we organize a day, then? Or perhaps an evening to—”
“No!” she cried out, a little too quickly. She grimaced and looked earnest because she needed this to work. “I mean… I was hoping to visit them on my own.”
Sebastian leaned back. “You were?”
“It is not personal,” she assured him. “But I have not spent time with my family in so long, and I think it would be nice. I know my mother and father would appreciate it greatly.”
“Are you sure?”
“Perhaps in a few days, we will see them together?” She offered him the life raft. “They do not live far, so there is no reason we cannot have supper before my sister leaves.” She fluttered her eyelashes. “If that is fine with you?”
“You know you do not have to ask for my permission, Helena,” he said, his smile returning. “And if you wish to see your parents without me, I understand. Just promise you will not badmouth me.”
She laughed a little too loudly. “Of course not.”
“And I take it you will be seeing them today?”
“I think so,” she replied. “Once I break my fast, I will take a carriage. It will be nice to surprise them.”
“The children will miss you,” he sighed, and Helena felt a pang of guilt in her chest. “But they will understand.”
“Give them my best,” she said earnestly. “And tell them I will see them again as soon as I can.”
“You know I will.”
Another grateful smile because deep down, Helena felt guilty. She found that she wanted Sebastian to come with her, that she wanted to show off her marriage to her family. How proud they would be…
But that wasn’t what was important. Not now. Not with everything that had happened.
Still confused, as she had been last night. Still feeling a sense of betrayal of herself for daring to feel such things for Sebastian, Helena needed answers. More than that, she needed proof of concept.
Her sister was visiting with her husband, and her mother and father would be there as well. If she saw them together, she would be able to view their marriages through a lens she never had before, and in that, she might find an answer.
Was it a perfect plan? Not at all. But that just told of how desperate the situation had become.
Growing up, Helena had always been close with her older sister.
They were four years apart, but when she was a little girl, her sister had been like a protector to her, and their bond was unbreakable.
It might have seemed a strange relationship to some, seeing as on the surface they both appeared so different, but Helena had always known better.
Indeed, Clara was seen by all as the well-behaved of the two.
The proper, respectable one who would never dare embarrass her parents by acting unruly.
Her dream was always to find a husband, have plenty of children, and live happily ever after.
And she did just that, marrying when she was twenty and having two children. A perfect life, as anybody saw it.
Or so Helena was led to believe.
Seeing her sister now, watching her in a new light that Helena had never considered before, she could not help but wonder how she had missed all the signs. She was still the older sister, and on the surface, she appeared the same as she had always been. But beneath the surface…
Something is wrong. And there is no need to guess what it is.
“Shall we go for a walk?” Helena asked. “I am growing restless.”
Clara blew through her lips. “What else is new?”
“I spent two hours in a carriage!” Helena cried. “And to be perfectly honest, this conversation is boring me.”
She stuck out her tongue, and her sister giggled.
“What are you two laughing about?” their father asked.
“Just making fun of you, Father,” Helena said jokingly.
“See how she talks to me,” he sighed, looking at Clara’s husband, Lord Eggerton. “I hope Clara at least treats you with some respect.”
Lord Eggerton took Clara’s hand and squeezed it with what looked like affection. “I assure you that she does.”
Clara smiled warmly at her husband, only to catch Helena’s eyes and roll her own. The two girls giggled as they often did growing up, and always in a way that seemed to purposefully annoy their parents.
Helena was glad that she came today, remembering quickly how much she missed her family.
Even if they were constantly hounding her to behave and be what she was not, she still loved them, and they still loved her.
And now that she was a duchess, she could not help but notice the respect her father gave her, the pride he held her with because she had done as he never dreamed.
It was also so much fun to spend time with her sister again.
As was so often the case with siblings, as soon as they were together, they reverted to their old ways.
Inside jokes. Laughing just to look at one another.
Her sister might have been the well-behaved of the two, but she had her own wild side, and Helena never failed to bring it out in her.
They were all seated in the back garden at the moment, taking advantage of the sunny summer day. Tea was served, they were sitting by a large tree for shade, and conversation was being had that Helena found awfully boring.
It was politics, as Lord Eggerton was a viscount, and her father was only too eager to gossip about various bills being passed, which Helena did not understand or care to.
Her mother was happy to sit and listen, as she always did. But Helena was growing bored and figured it might do to get her sister alone so she could tell her about Sebastian and perhaps get some advice.
“A walk,” Helena declared again. “Come on, while the day is still young.”
She half made to stand, waiting for her sister to join her.
“Oh…” Clara sat up as if she meant to stand, only to look at her husband. “Edward, might I…”
Lord Eggerton was handsome enough, with his sharp chin, golden hair, and perfectly shaped nose. But he had a stiffness about him, and he spoke in a way that was slow and precise and without humor.
“What was that?” He turned to his wife.
“Helena and I were just going for a short walk around the grounds.” Clara smiled hopefully.
“No, I don’t think so.” He kept a hold of her hand and turned back to their father.
“Oh.” Clara hesitated, caught Helena watching, and tried again. “We will only be a short time and—”
“I said no,” he cut her off. Not angrily, but with a firmness that brooked no argument. “I did not come all the way here so we would not spend time together. Besides, it is far too humid a day to walk, and you might break into a sweat and ruin your dress.”
“Oh, yes.” Clara sank back down. “I did not think of that. Sorry.”
“It is quite all right.” He kissed her hand and smiled, and was back on their father.
Helena watched the interaction with abject curiosity. And as she did, she felt her stomach twist, a nagging voice screaming in the back of her head that something was terribly wrong. Something so obvious that she could not believe she hadn’t seen it before.
She did not doubt that her sister loved her husband, and indeed, Clara had told her so many times.
She had seen it herself, and Lord Eggerton was not shy about holding her close, kissing her gently, with eyes that glimmered with that same love when he looked at her.
They were happy, and that was clear. But it was also not what Helena took note of.
That Clara was forced to ask for permission and was then denied… that was alarming. And that she accepted the denial so meekly was so unlike her that Helena hardly recognized her.
On the surface, she is the same, but it’s what lies beneath that is the problem. The ugly side to her marriage, which I wonder if she even realizes, is a problem. She has become so used to it that she does not see what has happened to her.
“Mother…” Helena was on her mother’s next. “Would you like to go for a short walk?”
Her mother was watching their father, apparently listening to the conversation. But she was doing so blankly, her eyes distant as if she was not there. When she heard the question, she blinked and turned to find Helena watching her.
“What was that, dear?” she asked.
“A walk,” Helena said simply. “Do you wish to go?”
“A walk…” Her mother bit her lip and looked at her father. He did not say anything, but his eyes flicked to her quickly. “No, I do think so, dear. I am listening to your father.”
“Not about anything interesting,” Helena argued.
“Helena!” her mother cried. “That is rude.”
“I am just saying—”
“She does not wish to walk with you, Helena,” her father grumbled. He took his wife’s hand and held it as if to stop her. “Now please, Lord Eggerton and I are trying to have a conversation in peace.”
Helena pouted and sank back into her chair.
She sat for the rest of the afternoon in silence, looking from her mother to Clara. And as she watched them, as she studied the way they behaved, she could not believe that it had taken her so long to notice. But she supposed that was what came from being a married woman now herself.
Her sister was slowly transforming into their mother. The way they sat attentively. The way they held their husbands’ hands. Laughed at their jokes. Looked upon them as if the world moved at their beck and call.
More than that, she considered her mother’s behavior when she was growing up.
She had never noticed before, but her mother was always doing whatever her father said.
When her father was angry with her, so was her mother.
When he punished her, her mother agreed.
She never defended Helena, and she never stood up for her. It was always what their father wished.
And now Clara is the same. I can see it as clearly as the nose on my face. Slowly but surely, the bonds of her marriage and the expectations of it are swallowing her whole.
Helena felt sick as that realization dawned on her. She started to squirm, to sweat, to feel fear like she never had before.
Was this what lay in store for her? Was this what married life led to? Regardless of who you were, once bound in holy matrimony, were all women doomed to the same fate? And was it so insidious in the way it worked that it wasn’t until it was too late to escape that one might even realize it?
Helena had come here today for answers, and while she might not have liked those given, they were undeniable.
She had been wondering if it would be so bad to follow her feelings for Sebastian and see where they led her. She had questioned what the worst might be if she were to betray her instincts and seek more than a marriage of convenience.
Now, she knew.
No good could come from marriage. It was, as she had always known, a trap. A prison. Bonds that could not be broken. And unlike her mother, unlike her sister—unlike every lady she knew!—she would not allow that to happen. She could not.
She was born to be free, and nobody would change that. Not even Sebastian.