Chapter 32
Helena found herself in Sebastian’s study not two minutes later. The door was open, so she stepped inside as she knocked once.
“Sebastian, might I have a word?”
Sebastian looked up from the desk and then immediately looked back down. “Can it wait, Helena? I am a little busy.”
She hesitated, wincing back the pain of his words. That he could be so dismissive of her, so cold and cruel. That alone should have told her everything she needed to know.
Only, it wasn’t good enough. She was through wondering. Through guessing. And through walking on eggshells around the man she had very nearly fallen for. One who, despite everything, she still had deep feelings for. If only he had the same feelings for her.
“No, it cannot wait.” She strode into the room. “We need to talk. Now.”
She stood across from his desk and folded her arms. Then, she fixed the top of his head with a glare that refused to be broken.
“What is this about?” He sighed deeply.
“Look at me, Sebastian. The least you can do is pretend to care.”
He had before him mounds of paperwork, and she couldn’t begin to guess what it was about. But it mattered not, because nothing would deter her. And luckily, he must have sensed it, because he sighed again and looked up at her.
She felt a pang in her chest to see the look on his face. Disinterested. Annoyed. As if she were a stranger who had wandered into his study. No sense at all that he had once held deep feelings for her. No sense that he ever would.
“What is this about?” he asked. “I am quite busy and—”
“Do you know where I just came from?” she cut him off. “Earlier today. Do you know where I have been?”
“I do not.”
“The orphanage,” she said. “And do you want to know what Daniel asked me?” She raised both eyebrows. “He wants to know why you have not been to visit him. He thinks…” She felt her chin tremble, but suppressed the urge to cry. “He thinks that you have abandoned them. That you have grown bored and—”
“That is absurd,” he scoffed. “I was there just four days ago.”
“Which is a lifetime to them.”
He groaned and rubbed his eyes. “I do not expect you or the children to understand, Helena. Nor did I expect to have to explain myself. But what do you think I have been doing?” He indicated the work before him. “What do you think this is?”
“I wouldn’t presume to guess.”
“Everything I do is for the children,” he declared, his tone sharp.
“Everything. And if I must take a few days’ break from them so I can finalize what needs to be finalized—bills written that once passed will protect them—then so be it.
” He furrowed his brow angrily. “I would have thought that you would understand that.”
“So, you have been working toward…”
“Yes,” he snapped. “Every minute of every day. For years now, far longer than you have known the children that you accuse me of abandoning. And the fact that you think I… that I what?” The look on his face was both disappointed and disgusted.
“That I grew bored? That I might be capable of that?” he scoffed. “I would have thought better of you.”
Helena breathed a sigh of relief.
That, at least, was one worry that she could put to bed. But it was also the least of her concerns, as horrid as that was to admit.
“Do not act so surprised,” she shot back, folding her arms as she continued to glare at him. “How am I supposed to know anything about what you do? As good a liar as you are, how am I supposed to believe a word of what you say?”
He frowned, his annoyance fading. “What… what does that mean?”
“You are a liar,” she snarled. “You always have been. Since the moment I met you, all you have done is—” She caught her tongue because she did not want to turn this into a fight.
“I can’t trust anything you say anymore, Sebastian.
That is why I am here. And do not dare act as if I am the one who has said or done anything wrong. ”
He studied her closely. Brow furrowed, he licked his lips. “What are you saying?”
“The other day, when Lord Ashford was visiting you, I…” She felt her chin tremble again, her stomach churning. “I overheard you speaking.”
“What did you hear?”
“I think you know what I heard,” she said. “And I want to know—I have a right to know. Is it true? Is any of what you said true? And do not dare lie to me, Sebastian. For once in your life, tell me the truth.”
He did not look surprised by her admission.
He did not look as if he was caught in a lie.
No sense that he was working to come up with something to tell her.
Rather, he almost looked upset. There was sadness in his eyes, a flickering flame slowly dying because he couldn’t be bothered to keep it alight any longer.
Once, those eyes looked upon her with love. Once, she had seen the truth of how he felt reflected in them. Now, they were cold and distant, devoid of empathy, and even before he spoke, she knew what he was going to say. She could feel it.
“So, you were listening, were you?” He sat back, his hands folded on the desk. “Is that what you have come to tell me?”
“Is it true?” she pressed.
“That depends on what you heard.”
“Is it true!” she cried out, letting the anger overtake her.
“What you told Lord Ashford. That… that…” She was shaking, some from anger, some from heartbreak.
And she wanted him to see it. “That everything you have said is a lie. How you felt about me. The…” She swallowed.
“The kiss we shared. That none of it was true. That you… that you did it just to appease me. Tell me the truth.”
“I don’t know why you are surprised,” he said. “You knew what this was. From day one, you knew.”
Helena stumbled back. She had expected the answer, but hearing it spoken so coldly and matter-of-factly was like a slap to the face. “No…”
“I did not want it to be this way,” he continued. “Truly, I never meant to hurt you. But you must understand where I am coming from. I told you why I needed this marriage to work. I told you—”
“You told me that you cared for me,” she cut him off, her voice cracking. “That you… The kiss…”
“You left me no choice,” he said, his voice devoid of emotion, as was the look he fixed her with. “You were becoming hysterical. Unpredictable. I could not risk you ruining everything. I did it for the children, Helena. I told you, they are who matters.”
She took a step back, revulsion spreading through her body. “All this time… everything you said… how could you be so cruel?”
“I did what I had to do.”
“And now?” she asked, her voice a whisper, afraid to ask the question… just as afraid of the answer. “What happens now?”
He sighed as if with regret. “It will be as it was always meant to be. We will keep up the carade for a little while longer. Just until I can pass this bill in Parliament. Once that is done, you will be free from me. Is that not what you wanted all this time?” he scoffed.
“Do not pretend that you ever wanted this marriage to work. You made your feelings clear on day one.”
“Things change, Sebastian. You said so yourself.”
“I lied,” he declared. “As I needed to. I never meant to hurt you, Helena. Please, I want you to know that.”
“And I am just supposed to believe that.”
“I am not lying. Not this time.”
“Yes, you are.” Another step back, then another. “All you do is lie, Sebastian. It is who you are. And me? I guess I am the fool for falling for it.”
“Helena…”
“No.” She scowled at him, her body shaking, anger flowing through her that she used to mask the sadness that threatened to break her.
“You want to know what I want? You will be happy to hear that I want the same thing—I just wish I had realized it sooner. An end to this marriage. Hopefully, soon. And when it is done, I don’t expect to ever see you again. ”
She fixed him with a final glare, turned on her heel, and fled the study before she burst into tears.
Helena thought of running to her room, but that felt like a prison to her.
This entire manor was a prison, and she its prisoner!
She had known this was happening. She had heard Sebastian admit it and had felt the change in him.
But to have it told to her directly, and so coldly, as if he had not once cared for her at all… that was what finally broke her.
That was why she ran as if she meant never to return.
She ran down the hall, into the back garden, and to the stables. There, she saddled a horse, climbed on it, and led it out. She kicked her heels into its flanks and pushed it across the open pastures, as fast as it could go.
She did not know where she was going. She did not know where she wanted to be led. All she knew was that she needed to get as far from Sebastian as possible.
What she needed more than anything was to be free from this place. From her husband. From everything that had happened to her. Only then would she be happy.
Happy… if such a thing ever existed.