Chapter 19 You Look Like You #3
“For so long, I wondered if it was because you resented us for not protecting you from James. Then I wondered if maybe you thought you were protecting us by leaving, that he would give up his claim. When he didn’t, and you didn’t return, I thought maybe I missed the signs of how broken you were.
That's what he did to you, made it so you could never be happy here, but I replayed every moment, and I thought, yes, she was sad, but she wasn’t broken.
She laughed. She found new ways to drive me insane and banter with Oliver.
I knew you were upset about Oscar leaving for Paris and that you two were always meant to breathe the same air, but you could have asked, and I would have found a way that didn’t involve you disappearing into the night.
So many times I thought about going to Paris and begging you both to explain what was so terrible about our life you had to run away, but I didn’t know if not giving you space would make it worse- I-”
I couldn’t stand it a moment longer. I rushed to her and fell at her feet, wrapping my arms around her waist. She clutched me tight and sobbed into my hair.
She was always effortlessly strong, much like a rock, but beneath that surface, she felt enough to break.
Anxiety ripped through me, stealing whatever air remained in my lungs. I’d done this.
“I’m sorry, Mama, I’m so sorry. I love you, and I love our family.” I gasped out.
She only clutched me tighter, and the sound of her cries shredded my skin as sharp as any sword.
I couldn’t regret all I’d done. Bash was alive.
Oscar was home and alive. My family was thriving with my father’s new business, and James couldn’t hurt us anymore.
I’d do it all over again, but I hated the price of it.
The work was mostly done, which meant it was time to repair.
“Ask me, and I’ll tell you.”
It was a lie, and I hated it. She could never know about the mark on my chest that was covered by silk and chiffon.
Nor could she know about Oscar’s because there was no keeping us from the sea, and if she knew, it would destroy her.
Maybe there was a solution somewhere, but until I fulfilled the bargain on my wrist, there was no avoiding it.
“Is he good to you?” she whispered.
My mother. My kind, resilient, fierce mother who coveted manners and etiquette like they were jewels. She could have asked me how we met and if I’d compromised my honor, but instead she asked this.
I laughed. “Yes, I think he would do almost anything for me.”
“Almost?” she asked, pulling away and wiping at her eyes.
I immediately regretted the choice of words, even though they were honest. I intended to keep Bash off the gallows, but not even how what he felt for me was enough to erode his life’s work.
“I think-” I closed my eyes, struggling for the words. “I think loving someone means knowing what they can and cannot compromise on.”
Reaching out, my mother traced a finger from my forehead down to my chin like she was remembering. Her eyes were cloudy, and her cheeks a bright shade of pink that had nothing to do with the rouge on her vanity.
“I didn’t want to marry your father,” she said.
“Mama?” I asked.
It felt like I’d stepped into another world, and the things that shouldn’t be spoken aloud were falling from the sky.
She sniffed. “I thought I was in love with someone else, and my parents pressured me into agreeing to marry your father. I cried on our wedding day. Our wedding night- well, I couldn’t hide how broken I was.
It hurt your father, who hadn’t the slightest idea, but he just said all right and slept somewhere else.
For a year, your father slept in his own room and provided me with anything I asked.
Whenever he went on a shipping trip, he would bring me back treasures from faraway lands. ”
She reached over and grabbed a small wooden box. When she lifted the lid, there were many small coins, shells, trinkets, and more carefully placed at the bottom.
“He never asked for more than I could give. I knew it hurt because love comes so easily to him. On one trip, he was gone for much longer than he should have. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep; every time I closed my eyes, I knew he was in the belly of a sea monster or at the bottom of the sea.
When he finally came home, I fell in the foyer because my legs wouldn’t stop shaking.
I knew then that I loved him. Since that day, we’ve shared the same room, and I learned that love looks different for everyone. ”
“What about the man you loved before?” I asked.
I wanted to believe that there was someone destined for everyone. That anything else was a mistake. Mostly, I tried to convince myself that what I felt for James wasn’t real love. There, kneeling before my mother, I was just a young girl asking about true love.
She nodded and stood, gesturing for me to take her spot. I did as she said, and she slowly took out the clips holding my hair up before brushing it with gentle strokes.
“Why did you cut it?” she asked.
“To prove a point,” I answered.
Her lips curled up. “That sounds like you.”
“Mama?”
She took in a long breath, never stopping her work on my hair.
“He was angry with me for marrying your father. He thought I was a coward for not standing up to my parents. He never forgave me for it. Even after he married and had a family of his own, he always hated me for not being brave enough.”
“Do you ever wonder what could have been if you were?” I asked.
Her smile was warm like hot cocoa on a rainy day.
“No,” she chuckled. “This life, your father, you, and your siblings, it would hurt too much to think about a world where they didn’t exist. So no, I don’t think about it because there isn’t a day when I regret my choice.”
My heart swelled, and while I always knew my parents loved each other, I knew that our family was lucky.
“I’m sorry that I left in the middle of the night, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Edward. It was selfish of me, and I’ll try to do better.” I said.
The brush stilled in my hair, and my mother’s eyes bore into mine, seeing everything I was and wasn’t. After a long moment, she bent down and rested her chin on top of mine. In the mirror’s truth, I saw what I never quite did before.
I was my mother’s daughter.
“Are you happy?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said without hesitation.
“Then that’s all I need to know,” she said.
She pressed a kiss to my head and laughed, a deep, rich laugh that she saved only for the walls of Bailey house.
“What a relief not to have to watch you torture suitors any more,” she said.
I stared at her with wide eyes, wondering who this woman was and what she’d done with my mother.
When I couldn’t take it a moment longer, I laughed with her and felt that I finally understood something I hadn’t before.