29. Whose Side Are You On?
Whose Side Are You On?
LILLIAN
No matter how much I turn the knobs to focus my microscope, the sample remains blurry. My vision is totally clouded by my racing thoughts and high anxiety.
I can’t shake the fear roiling in my gut. It was better at Matt’s. When I wasn’t alone. Being wrapped in his arms was my safe haven. But ever since I got back to the cottage this morning, I’ve been on edge. Waiting for someone to bang on my door and yell at me some more. Or worse.
I check the time on my phone. Who knows how many more hours I have here by myself until Matt’s done working on the boat?
I need to focus and get work done. I can’t let my thoughts stew in the cacophony of my mind.
Matt will come back, and I’ll feel better.
I just need to make it through each second, each minute, each hour.
Then, I’ll be good.
I push the microscope away and rub my eyes. If I can just come up with a solution . . . they need to know that they’re not going to end up like Egegik. That they’re not going to shrink away because their livelihood is taken.
I blow out a breath and shake out my hands. “Come on, Lillian, relax,” I say. My heart rate has been uncomfortably quick since my encounter with Wayne. I start rubbing my breastbone. “You’re fine. You’re safe. The door is locked. No one is going to come after you.”
But what if they do come after me? What if Ian has just been friendly to appease me and actually gave out my key to the townsfolk so they could show up brandishing pitchforks?
Do they even use pitchforks in Alaska?
This isn’t helping. I get to my feet and start pacing. I need to do something. Not just give myself a heart attack.
Grants.
I need to spend time looking at grants I can get for Naknek, so the fishermen have other jobs secured if they put more strictures on fishing. Maybe give them access to benefits they don’t have when they’re all working for themselves out on the bay.
Just as I start to formulate a plan, I hear the wheels of a truck on the gravel outside.
Oh no. They’re here.
When I pull back the curtain to look out the front window, I see Matt climbing down from his truck. He’s already done with his work?
No . . . something is wrong. The expression on his face isn’t just angry—it’s furious.
I open the door as he barrels up the front steps. “What’s wrong?”
Matt nods his chin beyond me. “Let’s go inside.”
Great, now my heart is racing even faster. I don’t need this. I can’t handle this.
I need a tranquilizer.
Once we step inside, Matt shuts the door, locks it, and pulls off his black cap. His hair is a mess like he’s been pulling at it.
“Matt, what’s wrong?”
He rubs the lower part of his face and leans against the door. He’s quiet for a long time as he gathers his thoughts. Finally, he lets out a long sigh. “They trashed my nets.”
I frown, staring at him with confusion.
“And slashed my fucking tires. Just got them replaced down at?—”
“Who?” I interject. “Who did?”
Matt looks away, shaking his head. “I don’t know exactly. But if I were to hazard a guess, I’d say whoever spray painted your car had something to do with it.”
My shoulders fall. “Oh, my god, Matt.”
He says nothing, pursing his lips tight.
I go to him. “I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this.”
“Neither do you.”
“I understand why they’d take out their anger on me, but on you? That doesn’t seem?—”
“They think I’m a traitor.”
I scoff. “And they don’t see themselves exactly the same? They’d hurt one of their own just because you’re—we’re?—”
What are we? Together? Dating? Fucking? I don’t even know. And the fact that I don’t know makes the entire situation seem even more ridiculous. Why would Matt be sticking out his neck for a temporary fling when he has a life in Alaska?
I don’t know how to finish that sentence, so I throw up my hands and walk away. “God, I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of trying to understand them.”
“They’re good people, they just?—”
“They destroyed your nets! Slashed your tires! That’s not what good people do!” I exclaim. I’m so mad. I can understand why they’re coming after me, but to do this to Matt . . . that’s a new low. “Those nets are expensive. Tires are expensive. A tow is?—”
Matt shoves his hands in his pockets. “I’ve got the money.”
“And you should still have the money!” I retort.
“These people—your family! They’re supposed to look out for you, and instead they’re trying to ruin your life because they can’t stand change.
” I’m unleashing every negative thought I’ve bottled up while trying to stay in Naknek’s good graces.
“The fucking ignorance is astonishing. Seriously, Matt. I don’t know how you made it to the other side when everyone here is so fucking?—”
“Stupid?”
I stop in my tracks and look at him.
“You think we’re stupid?” Matt prompts.
I furrow my brow. “I didn’t say that.”
“You said ‘ignorant.’ That’s the same as stupid in my book.”
My mouth opens and closes as I flounder trying to find the right words. His gaze feels like the weight of mountains is on top of me. “Well, it’s not in mine. If I meant stupid, I would have said stupid.”
Matt tucks his tongue into his cheek and avoids my gaze.
“Are you . . . are you really fighting with me right now?” I ask, more out of heartbreak than anger.
“I’m just saying.”
“How can you defend them when they’ve done this to you? To both of us?”
“Don’t, Lillian.”
“Don’t what?”
“Make me angrier than I already am.”
I claw my hand to my chest. “I’m the one that is making you angrier?”
“Yes. Now, calm down so we can?—”
“Calm down?” That’s my last fucking straw. I will not be told to calm down when I’m being threatened. If he doesn’t want sympathy for his problems, fucking fine. But I’m not going to gloss over how scared I am. “Don’t you tell me to calm down.”
An angry little growl comes from the back of Matt’s throat. “I didn’t mean it like?—”
“Spare me,” I snap. “How dare you talk to me like that when I’ve been here all day trying to figure out what the hell to do to bridge the gap between my work and this stupid fucking town! How dare you even suggest I’m the one overreacting when all I’ve done is try to help!”
Matt lets out a strained breath from between clenched teeth.
“I misspoke, alright? I don’t want to fight with you, Lillian, but I’m—” He lifts his eyes, and although his blood is running hot, I see something in his eyes akin to fear.
Echoes of a little boy who’s lost in the woods and can’t find his way home.
“This is my life! This isn’t just a place I can walk away from. This is my whole fucking life.”
“This is my life, too, Matt! Even though I don’t live here, it’s not like my soul’s on ice.”
“Dammit. I know that, but?—”
“Then, don’t fucking tell me to calm down! I’m scared. I’m terrified. And all I’ve ever done, tried to do, is to show these people I care. And now they’re threatening us? What have either of us done to deserve this?”
Matt opens his mouth to respond.
“Actually done. Because, screw it, I’m tired of paying attention to their feelings. They’re grown adults. I’m not responsible for them. And you aren’t either.”
Matt licks his lips. “They’re not ignorant.”
We’re still on that, huh? “What would you call them, then?”
“They’re scared. That’s fair. To be scared.”
“Just because they’re scared doesn’t mean they get to treat anyone the way they’ve treated me! Fuck! Whose side are you on?”
“Yours! I’m on your side!”
I shake my head. “You’re not. You want to play both sides. That’s why they’re fucking with you.”
Matt throws his hat down and crosses the room. “Dammit, Lillian. I’m not some sort of secret operative. I’m just trying to live my life.”
“Then, it’s probably for the best you take care of that,” I say coldly.
Matt stops in his tracks and turns slowly. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean, it’s silly to keep doing this when we both know it won’t last once I leave for California.
Might as well just call it now. Then you won’t be pulled in two directions,” I say.
I am not usually so cold, but it’s clear this isn’t working.
Even if we weren’t in shambles, what happens next?
Matt’s not going to come to LA with me, and I’m not going to stay where I’m not wanted.
What I’ve said lingers in the air.
“Besides, even if we were to try, your father wants me gone, too.”
Matt’s eyebrow quirks.
“Before I found my car all fucked up, he—” I stop. There’s no need to give him the details. It will just make things worse. As if that were even possible. “He wants me gone like everyone else. And I don’t want to put you in that position any longer.”
Matt is quiet for a moment and then starts laughing. Not a real laugh, but a pained, disdainful laugh. “This some fucking joke?”
“No,” I say without more explanation.
Matt’s laugh peters out. I don’t have the heart to look at him.
It feels hot in here. “Hot” is not a word I use to describe my time here in Alaska, other than the times I’ve been tangled up with Matt amidst the sheets.
But this isn’t just heat. It’s suffocation.
My blood pumping, heart racing, and rage flaming down the sides of my face. I need fresh air. Need to breathe.
“You’re done,” he says. A limp fact hanging in the air.
“One of us was going to have to be done at some point,” I offer. “We’re too different. Let’s just admit it.”
The silence hangs. My temperature increases. It’s like I have a fever.
Matt goes to my table of materials and observes them carefully. “Yeah. You’re right.” He makes no move to leave. And if he’s not going to, I have to.
“I need . . . I need to go,” I say in barely a whisper.
Matt says nothing, and I don’t need him to. If I don’t get out of here, I’m going to be burned alive. I open the door and leave, heading around the side of the cottage to the rocky beach.
As I walk, tears blur my eyes.
I don’t want to admit it, but a part of me hopes Matt will come after me.
He doesn’t. And why would he? I just ended things.
I guess I wanted him to prove to me why I shouldn’t. Run after me, tell me he chooses me, say he’ll fight for me.
I eventually slow to a stop along the shore. I’m not sure how long I’ve been walking. Long and fast enough that my calves are aching.
Turning, I look out over the Naknek river. Pain seizes in my chest. I’ve fallen in love with this place. With its remoteness, with its mystery, with its soul.
I’ve fallen in love with the people, too. When they haven’t been downright antagonistic, they’ve been kind and passionate. Thoughtful.
And, of course, I’ve fallen in love with Matt.
So silly and fast compared to every other relationship I’ve been in. I usually take my time. Have hypotheses, do experiments, get results, and then make decisions.
With Matt, all I did was feel. Because that’s what Alaska calls for. Nothing to distract you from your inner nature. From aligning with yourself.
I’m not used to feeling so alive. In LA, despite the hustle and bustle, the world feels . . . suffocating. Now, I breathe for the first time. It’s almost too much.
Finally, I turn back and walk the mile to my cottage.
I say a soft prayer Matt hasn’t left, and we can talk through what just happened.
I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know how to keep him.
However, one of his embraces, a kiss to the top of my head, and a soft word or two would erase all my fears.
I want to dive into him and remain there forever.
I’ll tell him that I love him. Then, everything will be a real mess.
But at least I’ll have him.
As I approach the cottage, I realize I forgot my keys. I’m cursing myself until I see the back door hanging open.
“Matt?” I call out as I approach. “You still here?”
I step into the doorway, seeing the mess inside. My worktable is flipped onto its side, and all of my equipment is scattered across the ground. Smashed samples, shattered glass, and tiny puddles of water are all over the place.
It takes a second to put two and two together.
Matt must have gotten angry and destroyed everything. He turned into one of them.
He turned on me.
Fine. It’s as it should be.
Fuck him.
Holy shit. He was violent. What if I hadn’t walked away? What would have happened?
My heart lurches. The samples are one thing, but was my computer—my research and findings— destroyed too?
I rush to the bed where I last had my laptop, and thankfully, it looks untouched. With trembling fingers, I turn it on. All of the information is still there.
Not all is lost.
But as I scan the scene left behind by Matt’s tantrum, I wish I could get back all the memories we shared, all the beautiful times, all the love and respect I had for him.
Because all it took was twenty minutes to show me who he really is. And now that the curtain has been pulled back, I can’t ever see him the same way again.
I secure the doors and grab my phone to call Dr. Harrison. It takes a few rings for him to answer. “Dr. Harvey, good to hear from you.”
“The project—” My mouth is dry. I try to wet it with my tongue, but it’s no use. I’m panicked, and there’s no saliva coming. “It’s over. I have to—I have to come back.”
“What? I don’t understand.”
I stare at the mess Matt left in his wake. “I’m not safe here. They’re—I have the data, but I need to get out of Naknek. As soon as possible.”
“You’re not safe?” Dr. Harrison sounds disbelieving. “What’s happened? I’m sure we can?—”
“I’m done. It’s over. I can’t stay here another day.”
“Dr. Harvey, be reasonable.”
“I’ve been scrutinized from the moment I arrived.
I’ve been subjected to nasty comments, intimidated, and now I’ve just come back to my cottage to find all my samples destroyed.
I’m not staying here a second longer!” I cry out, knowing it’s not the appropriate way to speak to my boss, but not seeing another.
“Your samples? Oh my.” There’s some movement on the other end of the line. “Alright. We’ll get you out as soon as?—”
“Today. I need to get out today.”
Dr. Harrison huffs. “That’s probably not possible with?—”
“Make it possible! I’m not staying in Naknek a second longer,” I tell him.
And that’s the God’s honest truth. If he’s not going to help me out, then I’ll get out of here myself.
I grab my suitcase and fling it onto the bed.
“If I need to spend another night here, book me a room in King Salmon. But Dr. Harrison, I’m done. ”
“Noted. We obviously don’t want your safety compromised for the sake of the project.” From his tone, I’m not sure I believe him. “Stay by your phone. I’ll be in touch within the hour.”
He hangs up, leaving me alone again. I focus on packing everything up.
I meant what I said. I’m not staying here.