7. Hitting the road
CHAPTER 7
HITTING THE ROAD
MILES
I have been playing hockey for a few years now and I know the drill. There’s a lot of traveling and long days, but it’s something I have lived for nearly all my life.
It’s an adrenaline rush for me as a single man that I can focus on the sport. As a single father with a little girl that adores me, I’m struggling. How do I leave Lola behind when she already lost her mom?
Delilah is incredible with Lola, and I can’t question that fact.
Maybe that’s part of the problem. Delilah is amazing, and the other night when we nearly kissed in the kitchen, I wanted it more than anything in the world. She’s beautiful, but beyond that, Delilah will stand up to me for my kid. She’s sassy and great for my daughter.
Getting involved with her isn’t a good idea for a few reasons. She’s Andrew’s sister for one and he’s like a mama bear with her, with the guys on the team or any other man. I’ve never doubted she could hold her own in any situation, but Andrew wants to put her in bubble wrap and protect her from the world.
My daughter adores her. Lola still asks for her mom sometimes but being so young, it’s difficult to explain other than telling her Mommy is in heaven. There are so few memories there and what she has will fade in time. Lola attached herself to my mom and sister quickly, but Delilah is something entirely different. They have formed a tight bond between them.
How could I take that away from Lola because I want to sleep with the nanny? That’s all it has to be because I don’t do relationships.
I can’t do relationships.
After endless hours of practice, I have a couple of days off before the first game. I want to spend them with Lola and one night Mom invites us over for dinner. I never turn that down and I grin when we walk inside, smelling something Italian.
“Is that my favorite lasagna?” I call as I walk to the kitchen carrying my daughter; she wiggles to get down.
“Gramma! Help me!”
“Traitor.”
I put her down and Lola runs into the kitchen as I sigh, shaking my head. When I walk in, Mom is spinning Lola around the room in a tight hug and a piece of my heart melts at the sight. My daughter is so lucky with my family. Kim lost her parents early in an accident and they’ll never know their granddaughter.
“Do you want lasagna?”
Mom grins as Lola squeals, though there’s no way of telling if it is from the spinning or the mention of food.
When my daughter is back on the ground, she’s off to the living room to play.
“Hi, honey. It’s good to see you after you’ve been so busy. How are you feeling?” Mom hugs me and I hold her tight for a long moment.
“I’m good. Sore. The practices have been great though and I think we’re in a good place for the season.” I grab water from the fridge and look around the room that holds so many memories. “Will you be at the first game?”
“We plan to. I asked Delilah to bring Lola if she’s up to it. We have those great seats so close that she’ll see you playing.”
Mom is smiling big, and I know what’s coming.
“She’s a great girl, Miles. So good with Lola and patient with bringing her over here when I ask. You couldn’t have a better nanny.”
“She does a good job. Lola is learning so much and her schedule works well, from what I’m told. The game might run late, so she’d get to bed later than normal. I’m not sure if that’s going to work.”
I shrug and then I check on Lola, who has dolls surrounding her.
“There are babies at the games, Miles. I bought some of those headphones for when it gets too loud, but Kim never took her to see you play. Lola might not wear them now, but it’s worth a try to bring her and see. I think she’ll love growing up watching her daddy play like so many of the kids seem to with the others.”
I remember Kim refused to bring the baby to a game, claiming it was too loud and violent for someone so young. My argument was that she had the headphones and Lola wouldn’t notice what happened on the ice, but she never gave in. She sure didn’t mind taking child support from me from playing a violent sport, and a generous amount at that.
“I’ll talk to her and see how she feels. I think Delilah is really into the schedule, but after a long day with that girl, I understand it. They can watch it on TV at home and introduce Lola to it slowly.”
Don’t I want my daughter at my games? Everyone has their families there supporting them and we even have a lot of family events as a team. It seemed like it would never happen with Kim in charge, but everything is different now.
“Miles.” I look at my mom as she brings me back to reality.
“Yeah?”
“Kim isn’t here anymore. It’s tragic that Lola lost her mom, but Kim never encouraged her to get into the sport. Thankfully, Lola won’t have any memories of her, and she seems so close to Delilah. It’s a good fresh start for both of you.” Mom touches my arm, and I nod to acknowledge her because I’m having trouble speaking.
“I don’t know how to walk away from Lola, even for hockey. She had her mom before and that comforted me despite our differences, but now I am it for her.”
“We all love Lola and we’re here for her. Delilah is like an angel that came into your life when you needed her and she’s wonderful for Lola.” Mom hugs me and I close my eyes.
I want to tell her I want Delilah, too. I can’t. Risking Lola’s happiness cannot happen, and I could never do that to my best friend. There are plenty of women on the road if I want a meaningless hookup, though I’m not the man for that anymore.
We sit down to dinner once my small family is all home, and the conversation is all about hockey. My dad can’t wait for the season, and I know I’ll see him at as many games as he can attend, right there with Mom and her sister’s family. Brynn goes a lot as well, but I warn her away from the players, much like Andrew did to me with Delilah.
Mom looks at me as we all talk, and I know she’s thinking about what I told her. There’s a special bond between us that has always been there, and I’ll never take that for granted.
In the car on the way home, Lola is dozing in and out after a busy evening playing with everyone.
“Lilah?”
“You’ll see her soon. We’re almost home, bug.” I glance in the rearview mirror to see her head bobbing.
When I pull into the driveway, I park and take Lola gently out of the car. There are leftovers in the car, but I’ll get that after my daughter is in bed tucked in. The front door opens as I’m walking up the steps of the porch and Delilah looks out at us.
“I thought it might be you. Is she sleeping?”
Her voice is sweet, and it makes me want her so badly.
“Out like a light, but she asked about you on the way home.” I walk by and take Lola to bed, kissing her hair gently before returning to the living room.
“How was dinner?” Delilah opted to eat with her family tonight.
“Great. Mom sent home leftovers. I’ll grab it from the car.” I walk back outside and get the bag with all the containers in it, bringing it in to stick in the fridge.
“They invited me to the first game with them. What do you think since it’s an evening game? Your mom said Lola has never been to a game before.”
“She hasn’t. Her mom thought it was too much for her to handle being young like that.”
I try to keep the bitterness out of my voice, but it’s difficult.
“There are always babies at games. They make headphones so it doesn’t blast their ears out.” I hear the confusion in Delilah’s voice.
“Mom has some of them. I don’t know if Lola would even wear them now since she hates anything on her head, but maybe it’s worth a go. You guys will all be sitting together, so you’ll have help.”
“I got her a little jersey that should be here by that night. She’ll look so cute in it.” Delilah looks thrilled, and I don’t know what to do with that.
“Your family sits with mine, don’t they?”
“They do, so that’s extra help. I think Lola will love it, and I’ll tell her you’re out there. She’ll be your biggest fan.”
“Perfect.” I excuse myself as I feel emotions washing over me, walking to my room. From Kim being so standoffish about my career that supported her well to Delilah wanting to show my daughter what I do is like night and day. I’ll never regret having my daughter, but her mom left a lot to be desired in my life and now I feel like I have what I wanted all along.
I just can’t do anything about it.
I pull away slightly from Delilah the next few days when I’m home, paying a lot of attention to Lola. Delilah will think it’s because I am starting the season, and it is, but there’s more to it. She just can’t know.
The first game is in two days and while a part of me is ready to go, another part of me doesn’t want to leave the house. Lola is happy to have me there, and the guilt overwhelms me over leaving her.
“You’re working, Miles.”
“What?” I look back at Delilah as she leans against the kitchen counter, taking a break from cleaning after dinner.
“I can see how torn up you are about Lola, but you’re going to work. It’s just different from a man that works nine to five at a boring office job. She’s going to see you at every game I can get her to if she ends up liking it and I’ll make sure she knows what you do. When you’re traveling, I’ll take the best care of her here and we’ll watch you on TV. Don’t a lot of the guys call and FaceTime their families?”
“Yeah, and I thought that would be enough. It didn’t affect me as badly when she was with her mom, but ever since it’s just been me, I-I feel more responsible for her. I’m scared she’ll think I’m leaving her, too.”
Who am I talking to like this? I straighten my shoulders and inhale slowly.
“She won’t think that because I’ll talk about you a lot. She’ll see you on TV being that hero for your team and Lola will be at the home games. She is going to know what you do to give her everything she has here. I think I love her almost as much as everyone in your family.”
I want to tell her that Lola loves her more than anyone, but I just smile.
“My girl is hard not to love, isn’t she?”