Chapter 18
Sarah explained breezily that she wanted to stay at Scarlet and Ivy’s that night instead of home with Alana and Jeremy. Alana felt it like a needle through her heart. For whatever reason, she wanted Jeremy, Sarah, and herself to sleep all in one house that night. She wanted to feel like a family. But Jeremy said, “Of course! Have a great time,” and hugged his daughter goodnight like the wonderful father he was. Alana couldn’t have loved him more.
Alana and Jeremy walked back to their place that night as still more fireworks lit up the night sky. She wasn’t sure the island would ever run out of them. She squeezed Jeremy’s hand a little too tight as they went, and he hissed and said, “Ouch!” then laughed. “Sorry. You have a football player’s grip!”
Alana laughed and tossed her head back. Her heart felt bruised. “I have to tell you something, Jeremy.”
Jeremy stopped walking and looked at her like an injured deer. He looked terrified that she was about to do something drastic, like get an entirely new face with plastic surgery or, try to make it as an online gambler, or just break up with him. Probably it was the last one. His hand literally shook.
“It’s nothing that bad,” Alana said softly.
Jeremy’s shoulders loosened just the slightest bit, but he didn’t smile. “Just tell me. I can handle it.”
Alana swallowed the lump in her throat. “Recently, Sarah’s director asked me to audition for his next play. And I said yes.”
Jeremy’s eyes widened, but he remained quiet. Waiting.
“I didn’t know what to make of it. It freaked me out how much I suddenly wanted that life again. I decided to just go for it and see where the chips fell,” Alana went on. “In retrospect, I should have called you the minute he asked me to audition. But I was scared you would see it as me turning my back on you. We’ve already been through that in our lives before. And I definitely didn’t want to do that to you again. I genuinely love you, Jeremy. I love you with everything I am. And I can’t wait to marry you at the end of the month. But I couldn’t ignore this huge desire to make it. I had these two things in my head at once.”
Jeremy’s eyes were light again. Probably because Alana continued to tell him how much she loved him and wanted to still marry him. He recognized that whatever happened, Alana would still walk down the aisle.
“You got the part, didn’t you?” Jeremy asked, palming the back of his neck.
Alana’s chest caved in. Tears sprung to her eyes. “I didn’t.” She sniffed. “But it’s worse than that. I think the director was trying to manipulate me. It felt just like old times with Asher. And it totally destroyed my confidence. I haven’t been able to tell you because it’s all so embarrassing. That, and I don’t want you to think I don’t love you.”
Alana burst into tears, and Jeremy collected her in his arms and swayed with her as the fireworks blasted overhead. Alana could feel the steady beat of his heart through her entire body. She felt cocooned.
“I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt,” Jeremy offered quietly.
Alana felt her heart crack at the edges. “I know. I knew you would be.”
Jeremy kissed the top of her head and pulled her tighter against him. He sighed. “I know what it’s like to want something so badly. I know that it’s consuming.”
Alana sensed that he was talking about Notre Dame again, about a football career that seemed laid out for him, about a future that should have been his if it weren’t for that horrendous car accident and a night that had altered both of their lives forever.
“I don’t think I ever told you that I went there,” Jeremy said as he continued to hold her. “I drove all the way out to Notre Dame during that first season. You were already in the city with Asher, and my life was nothing. I was so depressed. Dead inside. I thought maybe a long drive would shake my sorrows out of me. I thought maybe going to Notre Dame would free me of something that was weighing me down. But when I got there, it was twenty-two degrees, and it was snowing. I sat way back in the stands, shivering as I watched the team that should have been my team lose by twenty-three points. I stayed through every minute, maybe as a way to punish myself.”
Alana could feel his sad smile. It was her turn to hold him tighter. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. It was an important lesson for me,” Jeremy said. “I learned to put the past behind me that day. I still remember staying in a hotel in that little rinky-dink university town and flicking through the stations to watch reruns of Seinfeld. I knew you were off having this glamorous life, and I wasn’t sure if anything would ever happen for me. But I sat there and laughed myself to sleep. And in the morning, there was so much light spilling through the hotel”s windows. I’ll never forget that.”
Alana and Jeremy continued to hold each other for a long time before they released their hug and walked hand-in-hand back home. There was an air of empathy, of understanding. When they reached the front porch, Alana squeezed his hand a final time and said, “I’m going to make sure Sarah is okay in this world. Nobody can mess with her.”
But Jeremy just said, “I think Sarah can already take care of herself,” with a smile. And Alana knew that he was right.