Chapter 20 #2
“I…overstepped, too.” My head drops as I glance down at the ground, chewing at my lip a moment as I think about how to word what I want to say.
“I shouldn’t have thrown all of that advice on you like that.
It’s your experience, not mine, and you are entitled to feel how you feel.
Don’t let me or anyone else try to tell you otherwise. ”
Maeve cocks her head and her dark eyes somehow soften even more at my words, before she’s flinging her arms around my waist. Pressing her face into my chest, she squeezes me tightly.
“It was good advice,” she mumbles against me.
I wrap my arms around her. “Yeah…but you didn’t ask for it.”
“Yeah,” she agrees weakly, lifting her head to peer up at me, “but I think I needed to hear it anyway.”
She just keeps staring up at me for a few seconds, and I’m not sure what to say as I stare back. I’m scared of saying the wrong thing; I don’t want to mess this up. But as her eyebrows start to slowly tug together, I realize she’s waiting for me to speak.
Crap.
“D-Did we just…have our first fight?” I say weakly, trying my best attempt at a joke, but it comes out more like I’m frightened or something.
But it seems to work in my favor because she rolls her eyes despite the wide grin spreading across her lips, slapping at my chest as she pulls away.
“Funny guy, you,” she teases. “Let’s go get this truck packed up, yeah?”
I let Maeve mingle with her family for goodbyes as I take a few trips out to my truck, loading our luggage inside, insisting when Annalise tries to get the twins to help that I’m okay.
I want Maeve to squeeze in as much time as possible, knowing how much it meant to her to get to see her family for Christmas.
When I step back in the house after my last trip outside, Annalise is waiting there to pull me in for another hug.
“It was so nice to meet you, Tate.”
“It was nice to meet you, too.”
When she pulls back, she lowers her voice so only I can hear. “Take care of my girl.”
Does she mean…?
She does. The twinkle in her eyes says so.
Are my feelings for Maeve that obvious? I guess they might be, to everyone else but her.
I really try not to stare for too long or gawk at her every time she walks into the room, but I can’t help it.
Sometimes I catch myself a little too late.
She’s just too beautiful not to look at, especially when she’s smiling at me, or looking at me in a way that only we would understand.
We do that sometimes. There’s a look that we share every so often, and I don’t know how to explain it, but it just feels like… our thing.
“Yes,” I croak. “Yes.”
She smiles at me before handing me off to Maeve’s dad, who shakes my hand before giving me a firm pat on the back. He’s not a man of many words, but neither am I, really.
Maverick intercepts me next, reaching his hand out between us, like a peace offering of some kind. “Sorry about the interrogation tactics, bro. You know…just looking out for her and all.”
I shake my hand with his. “S’okay, I get it.”
“See you next time?” he asks.
The question hangs in the air, and my heart stutters in my chest. He’s giving me his acceptance; he wants me to know I passed the test.
“Yeah,” I clear my throat, “see you next time.”
The talk of a “next time” has so much hope blooming in my chest that I know it’ll be crushing when it inevitably doesn’t come true.
When Mateo makes his way around, he does the same, sticking his hand out for a handshake the same way. “We usually rent out a beach house for the summer up in Laguna Beach. You know, if you wanna tag along with Mae again.”
“Thank you,” I manage to get out, despite my throat getting choked up again. “That sounds fun.”
Petite hands grab my biceps from behind me, turning me slightly as Maeve’s head pokes out from around me with a big smile. “It’s so fun. You have to come. But fair warning, the beer pong challenges get a little crazy.”
I know I’m smiling, I can feel my cheeks straining up from it, but for some reason, my head is still so far away.
Even their voices sound muffled, like they’re outside instead of standing right next to me.
There’s so much talk of seeing everyone again, and while that makes me happy, that also terrifies me to death.
Because what if she’s just agreeing for right now?
Because everyone is staring at us? Because she feels pressured into it?
What if she doesn’t want me there for real?
Or what if she changes her mind later?
My breathing picks up just thinking about it all. It feels like a defining moment, a moment where I’m supposed to ask her what we are later when we’re alone, but something inside me tells me she’s not ready for that. She’s still picking up her own pieces.
I don’t know how to do any of this.
I don’t know the protocol. The procedure. No one's taught me how to be the right guy, the perfect guy, and up until now, I would’ve never been concerned about something like that. But now… Now I care so much that I can’t breathe.
I’m spiraling.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
“Hey.” Maeve nudges me with her elbow once we’re out of the house and walking down the steps. Her parents are watching us as we go out to my truck, ready to send us off with a wave. “What happened back there?”
I peek over at her as I walk up to the passenger side door, opening it up for her and waiting until she reluctantly crawls inside before I shrug. “Nothing happened.”
I’m closing the door for her before she can say anything, and as the confusion mars her face, guilt pools deep in my stomach.
But I don’t want to explain anything out here in the open with eyes on us like this.
I want to at least wait until we’re in the safety of the truck, driving down the road, where no one can see us.
She’s practically fully turned in the seat toward me once I climb in on the other side, and I swallow the lump in my throat before starting the truck.
“Tatum.”
The full name throws me off, and I peek over at her with a small hum.
“Did I freak you out?” she asks, her voice small.
I frown at her, taking in the way her arms are crossed over her chest, which heaves quickly now that I’m paying attention. “Freak me…out?”
“With the summer stuff. With everyone acting like they’d see you again,” she says, urgency lacing her words. “I freaked you out, didn’t I? That was too much. There was just so much going on, I went with it and—”
“It didn’t freak me out,” I interrupt in a soft voice, “but I thought it freaked you out… M-Maybe?”
We’re pulling away from her childhood home as I speak, but we both wave at her parents, standing on the porch and sending us off. Maeve is quiet for a moment, and when I sneak a glance over at her, she looks sad. Her entire body sags in the seat, and I realize this isn’t easy for her. The goodbyes.
Reaching over hesitantly, I take her hand in mine.
I like how comfortable I’ve been, doing the small things like this. How comfortable I am when I’m around her now.
“Why would it freak me out?” she eventually asks, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Because…” I trail off, gulping down the cottony wad of saliva in my throat. “I-I’ve never… I don’t…” I sigh, “I don’t know how to d-do this. I don’t know what this means for…me and you.”
The way she pulls her hand out of mine makes my heart plummet into my gut.
“I like you, Tate,” she speaks so softly, I’m not sure I even hear her correctly. “I hope you believe me when I say that. I just… I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to…more than like you. I have a hard enough time liking myself. I think I owe it to me to figure that out first. You know?”
Hearing that would throw someone else off, but it doesn’t throw me off. She’s just scared. She’s scared of more than liking me, so she’s trying to convince herself that it wouldn’t be possible. To avoid it at all costs. It’s all she knows. How can I fault her for that?
Of course I know she still needs to heal, to figure herself out.
I’ve always known.
And she’s right; she needs to learn how to be happy alone.
To be happy with herself. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt a little bit to hear, just the same.
I have to just remember that her fear is going to lead most of her decisions until she figures out exactly what she wants for herself, and that’s okay.
“And I feel like you deserve someone who is going to be sure about you,” she continues. “Who can give you what you need. Not someone who would just make you wait around.”
I don’t mind waiting, I want to say.
I’ve waited twenty-two years for you.
But I don’t say anything because I feel so choked up that I know if I speak, it’ll be more than obvious.
The last thing I need is to get upset in front of her, like some kind of little kid.
To be honest, I think I have some things to work through myself.
When all this started, I wasn’t expecting it to weigh so heavily on my heart the way it does now.
I was attached to her from the moment we first spoke, and the way I feel now solidifies that.
I guess it’s easy to fall headfirst for someone when you’ve been searching your entire life for someone to love you back.