Clitonia and Lil Dicky #2
Starting, as her sister had mentioned earlier, with fingering and hand-jobs and dry-rubbing because they were all 'safe' and '100% guaranteed not to get you pregnant.'
My boyfriend and I had been there already.
We'd done just about everything but the actual deed itself. And I honestly couldn't tell you why I was dragging my feet about that. Almost everyone else I knew had done it well over a year ago. And he wanted it. I knew I was supposed to want it. But it just didn't feel like the time yet.
"Alright, Willa, come over here with me for a minute," Autumn demanded, leading Willa out of the room so they could have a private talk in case she had any questions she didn't want to bring up in front of anyone else.
"Okay. So what's his name?" Peyton asked, putting her elbows on the desk, framing her face with her hands.
"Michael," I told her, smiling.
"Oh, well," she said, looking over at the dildos, petting Big Mike on the head. "Don't compare him to this Mike here. Are you guys doing it yet?"
"No," I admitted, finding my Aunt Peyton possibly the easiest to talk with about it since she made sex less serious than everyone else did.
"Why not?"
"I don't know," I admitted, feeling like a weight was lifting from my shoulders to say that to someone. I didn't even say it to my best friends. "I just... it doesn't feel right yet."
"Then guess what?" she asked.
“What?"
"It isn't right," she told me, shrugging like it was the most rational conclusion.
"But I need more of a reason than that," I insisted.
"No, you actually don't. If it doesn't feel right, then it isn't right. And if someone doesn't respect that, then they can see themselves to the fucking door, right?"
"I love him."
"I bet you do. But if he loves you back, he won't push you. And if he does, then you need to be able to love yourself more than him, and walk away. I know I have been joking around a lot. But sex is a big deal. And you don't want to regret your first time.
"Do you regret your first time?"
"Regret is a funny word. A tricky one, too.
No, I don't regret it. But now that I'm with someone I love a lot, I can see that maybe it would have been nice to know that first guy's full name at least," she admitted, shrugging.
"I'm not telling you that sex is only good when you love someone.
That's bullshit. Sex can be amazing with a complete stranger.
But I have always felt ready for it. I have always known I wanted it.
That's the difference. Until you feel that way, I would encourage you to wait. "
"What am I supposed to say to Michael about it, though?" I'd already told him I wasn't sure.
"Have you told him about being unsure?"
“Yeah."
"And he said?"
"How can you know you're sure if you haven't done it?"
"Oh, so he's an asshole," Peyton concluded. "What's his address?" she asked, reaching into her purse for a pad and pen.
"What? Why?"
"So Suga Suga can go visit him. Have a nice, friendly talk about boundaries and respect.”
Sugar, Peyton's man, was a biker. Of the one-percent variety. I was pretty sure Michael would pee himself if Sugar rolled up to his house.
"He's not an asshole. I think he's just ready. and I'm just not. And it sucks for both of us."
"Okay," she said, taking a calming breath.
"Okay. He's not an asshole. He's an eighteen-year-old kid with too many hormones and likely too much porn consumption.
But, really, this isn't even about Michael.
This is about you. And what you feel comfortable with.
And what you know is right for your body and your mind.
That is all that matters. I know that sounds harsh and selfish and I know young infatuation can be all-consuming.
But you need to put yourself first. Always.
At least when you're young. And especially about the big things like this. "
"And if he says he doesn't want to wait?"
"Then good riddance," she said. "Look. You're eighteen. Where are you planning to go to college? Where is he? Do you really think you will be able to maintain a long-distance relationship then?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "Especially since we’re both dead-set on colleges on different coasts. I even wanted to study abroad too."
"And do you think that, if you did this, and you both went off to different colleges, and it ended, that you would end up having regrets?"
"Honestly? I think I would." I was willing to make the sacrifice of diving headfirst into sex even when I wasn't ready if I thought it would lead to our happily-ever-after. But the more I thought about that, the more unlikely it seemed to happen.
"Then that's your answer, right?”
"And if he dumps me?”
"Then you come with your Aunt Peyton and we will get ice cream, watch slasher movies, and talk about all your awesome plans to see the world.
And maybe fall madly in love with an actual, real-life Alejandro who you will be one-hundred percent certain about sleeping with, and will treasure the memory for the rest of your life. "
"Alright. We're back," Autumn said, leading a slightly pink-cheeked Willa back in, making me wonder what she had wanted to ask our aunt that she had been afraid to ask me, my heart aching a little that she felt there were any boundaries like that between us, even if a part of me understood.
"I think we have pretty much covered it all. .."
"What?" Peyton exclaimed, hopping out of her chair. "No we certainly have not. What about kinky stuff? Or butt stuff? Or tantric sex?"
"I think tantra might be a little advanced for them, Peyt.”
"Multiple orgasms for both parties is not too advanced for anyone."
"How can guys have multiple orgasms?" Willa asked, surprising me.
"Well, see, lovely, lovely girl," Peyton said, beaming.
"It is the same feeling. Without the mess.
But you know what? Autumn is probably right.
Chances of guys your age having that kind of control are slim to none.
Come back to us when you're married and things have gotten a little dull in the bedroom.
We have some stuff to share. But I stand my ground about butt stuff," Peyton told her sister, giving her a nod as she crossed her arm.
To that, Autumn sighed. "Alright. I concede."
"And we didn't even talk about lady-on-lady stuff. We have to be inclusive."
"Alright. We can do that too."
"And self-love. Self-love of the B.O.B kind? That's maybe the most important of all. And then we have to go into the store to let them compile their own goodie bags of said buzzing boyfriends."
And so, we talked about butt stuff. And same-sex sex. And self-pleasure.
I half paid attention as my mind started to wander. To a foreign country. To foreign foods and foreign sights.
And as I sat there, I began to fall a little bit more in love with the idea of Alejandro than the actual Michael.
And that told me all I needed to know, didn't it?
There would be time for serious boyfriends and sex in the future.
And when the time came, I had more than enough knowledge to guide me.
Michael and I broke up two days later.
And instead of crying myself to sleep, I laughed until my belly hurt remembering the sex class, of coming back from a quick trip to the bathroom to find Aunt Autumn trying to help Aunt Peyton out of a condom she had slipped onto her head after all before she suffocated in the thing.
Some day, I wanted to be half as badass as she was.
And to do that, I knew I needed to do what she told me to. Put myself first. Pursue my dreams and desires.
Who knew.
Maybe I would meet my very own Alejandro one day…
?Jessica Gadziala, 2020