Chapter 5
CHAPTER FIVE
Three Winters Ago
PENNY: Thought you might like to know that Kim was at the hospital to visit someone today and she mentioned that her husband Dave told her “Bowie” sent him a random text last week asking if he knew if you were seeing anyone. Are you not in touch with him?
brIDGET: This is fascinating. Say more. No, Craig and I agreed we shouldn’t keep in touch when he’s not in town.
PENNY: Whose shitty idea was that?
brIDGET: Mine! Thanks! I figured I’d get attached if we keep texting all the time.
PENNY: And how’s that working out for you?
brIDGET: What did Dave tell him?
PENNY: That the flashing neon I’M STILL THINKING ABOUT CRAIG BOWMAN’S COCK sign over your head deters most guys. And if it doesn’t you flat-out tell them you’re not currently dating when they ask you out.
brIDGET: It doesn’t flash and I almost considered going out with that one guy once.
PENNY: Well, The Wall is clearly not as chill with your situation as you thought he was when he left. I mean, you did hang out with him almost every night this summer.
brIDGET: Yeah, but it was just watching movies and having sex. Netflix and Chillin’.
PENNY: Guys tend not to give their situationships adorable nicknames.
brIDGET: Well, the movies were really good and the sex was really great. But that’s all it was!
PENNY: Great. Then who are you bringing to our engagement party?
brIDGET: I promised my mom I’d bring her.
PENNY:
CRAIG: Hey. Jaws came on when I was flipping channels in my hotel room. Thought of you.
brIDGET: Hey! My dad mentioned you had a great game on the road yesterday. It made him very happy. So happy that he still hasn’t updated the website! But congrats. Hi.
CRAIG: Good old Uncle Tommy. Say hi for me.
brIDGET: I don’t think you want me to do that. He’d blow up your DMs on Insta.
CRAIG: If he’s TommyCross1972 then according to my publicist’s office he’s already made himself at home in my DMs.
brIDGET: Well. In other news, I saw your spread in Gentlemen’s Style magazine. The suits looked really good on you.
CRAIG: Thanks, I had great sex with my tailor.
brIDGET: LOL. To be clear, I do excellent alteration work for the customers I only have mediocre sex with too.
CRAIG: I’ll try to remember to bring my C+ game next time then.
brIDGET: You going home for Thanksgiving?
CRAIG: Nope. My friend Sawyer and his wife are doing an orphans Thanksgiving dinner, so I’ll go to that.
CRAIG: I gotta go to sleep. See you in the summer, Stitch.
brIDGET:
Three Summers Ago
SAWYER: You left the party early, motherfucker.
CRAIG: Aww I’ll miss you all summer too, Cranky Poo.
SAWYER: When do you leave for Canada?
CRAIG: Tomorrow.
SAWYER: Just can’t wait to see the girl, huh?
CRAIG: Which girl?
SAWYER:
CRAIG: If she isn’t seeing someone else and I don’t meet someone else, then I’ll definitely see Stitch. There’s no obligation either way.
SAWYER: Right. Super chill. Does she know you haven’t been seeing anyone else since you last saw her?
CRAIG: That is hockey business. She doesn’t need to know.
SAWYER: Right. Because if you’d been tending anyone else’s net we wouldn’t have made it to the playoffs. Guess you better have more sex with Stitch this summer so we’ll be lucky enough to win the Cup next season.
CRAIG: Hey, I stopped pucks. I’m finally a Vezina finalist. Maybe the forwards need to be more selective about which nets they’re skating toward. But yes, I will definitely hook up with her more for the team. In a casual way.
SAWYER: drhtfyguhilophjklyu
CRAIG: Well, excuse me.
SAWYER: That was my son. And nothing about you is casual.
CRAIG: Hey, buddy! Tell your dad to smile more and I’ll see him in September.
SAWYER:
SAWYER: That was me.
CRAIG: Wheels down in Vancouver. You free this week, Stitch?
brIDGET: Hey! Yeah, I’ll be around most of the week, but I’m in a wedding on the weekend.
CRAIG: Interesting.
brIDGET: Remember my friend Penny who met Stewart that night we…watched Jaws together? They’re getting married! I’m a bridesmaid.
CRAIG: Good for Stewart, once again.
brIDGET: They’re really happy. It’s cute.
CRAIG: You going out of town, then?
brIDGET: No, they’re getting married here. Should be fun.
CRAIG: Cool. Have fun.
brIDGET: Did you want to come?
CRAIG: To the wedding?
brIDGET: Or just to the reception. You don’t have to.
CRAIG: You don’t have a date?
brIDGET: Nope.
CRAIG: I didn’t pack a suit…
brIDGET: Too bad you don’t know a tailor who specializes in hockey butts.
CRAIG: It’s this weekend?
brIDGET: Yes. This Saturday.
CRAIG: The thing is I was looking forward to laying low for a while.
brIDGET: Yeah, of course. Just thought I’d ask.
CRAIG: I appreciate it.
CRAIG: If you really want me to go, I can go.
brIDGET: No way. Don’t make me look at you in a suit again. Blech. Let me know when you want to hang out.
CRAIG: Are you free tonight?
brIDGET: Oh my God you’re obsessed with me!
brIDGET: Yeah, I’m available. Are you flying to Castlegar?
CRAIG: Yeah, I should be at my house in about four hours. I can order us dinner.
brIDGET: Okay. I won’t tell my dad you’re in town yet or he’ll show up at your front door. He was so excited you were a finalist for that goalie trophy. And so mad that you didn’t win it.
CRAIG: I’ll stop by the shop tomorrow.
brIDGET: He will literally shit himself.
CRAIG: Good thing he works at a dry cleaner.
Two Winters Ago
SAWYER: Why the fuck aren’t you here?
CRAIG: Shit. Are you there already?
CRAIG: I don’t think I’m going.
SAWYER: Are you still in your room?
CRAIG: I was talking to someone.
SAWYER: Someone in Kenton?
CRAIG: How long are you gonna be at the restaurant? I have to shower.
SAWYER: Wait, are you guys having FaceTime sex now?
CRAIG: It just happened.
SAWYER: Yes. It just happens with girlfriends.
CRAIG: It also happens with cool women you’re friendly with while casually hooking up with them.
SAWYER: Didn’t you have dinner at her parents’ house?
CRAIG: They always have people over. Wasn’t a big deal.
SAWYER: And how often do you go to dinner at the home of the parents of the women you’re exclusively having sex with?
CRAIG: It’s not exclusive.
SAWYER: I don’t think you understand what exclusive means, buddy, or you’d be having sex with other women.
CRAIG: That’s hockey business.
SAWYER: Right. You’re committed to hockey. Not to Stitch.
CRAIG: It’s a system that works.
SAWYER: So you’re saying you wouldn’t want to see her if you were playing badly?
CRAIG: Sure, but it can never be serious anyway. She’d never want to leave Kenton.
SAWYER: Did she say that?
CRAIG: I can’t ask her to leave her family business.
SAWYER: Have you talked about it?
CRAIG: Don’t have to. We aren’t all meant for marriage, Big Daddy.
CRAIG: Hello?
CRAIG: Is this thing on?
SAWYER: Apparently I am also one of those people who isn’t meant for marriage.
CRAIG: Shit. Did she leave you?
SAWYER: She’s not asking for full-time custody, so. It is what it is.
CRAIG: I’m coming to the restaurant. Don’t leave.
SAWYER: Hurry up. I hate this place.
Two Summers Ago
CRAIG: Hey. I’ll be in Kenton in a couple of days.
brIDGET: Hey! That was a great game yesterday. Except for the end.
CRAIG: You watched it?
brIDGET: Everyone watched it. We’re all really proud of you around here.
CRAIG: Hey, have you ever thought about making Cross Stitch a niche online business? Marketed to hockey players. Guys could FedEx their suits or jeans to you and you could do Zoom consultations.
brIDGET: I have, actually. My dad’s been building me a website for the past three years.
brIDGET: Just kidding. I have thought about it, because I could get a lot of business from the Vancouver and Calgary teams.
CRAIG: Fuck those guys.
CRAIG: Sorry. Yes. You could get a lot of business.
CRAIG: But also please don’t fuck those guys.
brIDGET: Where is this sudden interest in my alterations business coming from, might I ask?
CRAIG: I’ve always been interested in your alterations business. It was just a thought I had. See you in a couple of days if you’re around.
brIDGET: I’ll be around.
CRAIG: Wheels down in Vancouver, Stitch. You around?
brIDGET:
CRAIG: Fuck. Stay like that. Don’t move.
brIDGET: I can’t hold this position for four hours.
CRAIG: Fuck you look hot.
CRAIG: You changed your hair.
brIDGET: It’s like two inches shorter, that’s the only change.
CRAIG:
brIDGET: If my haircut is what’s drawing your attention then I think I’m doing this wrong.
CRAIG: Stitch, you’re doing absolutely everything right. Trust me.
CRAIG: Although, sending me this pic when I’m in a public place is wrong. Just wrong.
brIDGET: See you soon…
Last September
CRAIG: Hey. You left while I was sleeping.
brIDGET: Yeah, I figured you’d be in a rush to get to the airport. I didn’t want to get in your way.
CRAIG: I like it when you’re in my way.
brIDGET: It’s getting harder for me to say goodbye to you, Craig. Have a safe trip.
CRAIG: Hey. Are you okay?
brIDGET: I am! You have to get to the airport. Have a good trip.
brIDGET: It was a good summer. A great summer.
CRAIG: It was. I had a great time, thanks. Say goodbye to your parents for me.
brIDGET: I’m sure my dad will say goodbye to you himself, since you’re texting buddies now.
CRAIG: Okay. Don’t be a stranger.
Bridget loved “Okay. Don’t be a stranger.”
TOMMY: C-Dawg!
TOMMY: Nope. How do I unsend that? That one didn’t stick.
TOMMY: Biddy said you’re heading out. I would have taken you to the airport.
CRAIG: I didn’t want to bother anyone, but thanks, man.
TOMMY: It would have been my honor and a pleasure, bruh.
TOMMY: See you next summer?
CRAIG: Absolutely.
Tommy loved “Absolutely.”
Last Fall
PENNY: Okay, I am obviously very hormonal right now, but I just heard something that did not make me happy.
brIDGET: Did they finally explain what giving birth is going to feel like?
PENNY: Well, you’re my support team since my husband is a wimp, so that’s as much of a you issue as it’s a me issue. But this is as much of a me issue as it’s a you issue. And I can’t call you because I’m at work.
brIDGET: Oh God. What?
PENNY: Kim was here visiting someone again.
She said Dave told her he met a guy who came into the hardware store who knows someone on the Griffins.
Didn’t say who. That person said he was talking to this Griffins player about superstitions and he said Craig Bowman’s been having sex with the same woman for four years because he’s been playing so well ever since they started hooking up.
brIDGET: I mean. That better be me he was talking about.
PENNY: Of course it was you! My point is that you deserve so much more than being some goalie’s good luck charm, Bridget.
brIDGET: I know what I deserve.
PENNY: Then why do you put up with this no-strings thing with Craig?
It would be one thing if you had someone else in the mix, but you have been, for all intents and purposes, exclusive with Craig for the past four years.
Without any of the benefits of being in a committed relationship. And I know that’s what you want.
brIDGET: I haven’t had to deal with any of the crap of being in a committed relationship either. I like how casual this thing has been. It’s enough.
PENNY: Honey. You are the most intense, least casual person I know. You’re funny, yes. But you are not chill. You pay attention to every detail. You care. You know who else is intense and pays attention to every detail? Goalies.
brIDGET: Are you saying we’re perfect for each other?
PENNY: I’m saying you’re lying to each other. You’ve been in a holding pattern for four years and the pattern isn’t going to change unless you end the situationship or level it up. As much as I would hate for you to leave Kenton, I don’t know how else you could do that.
brIDGET: I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing if Craig thinks of me as his good luck charm.
PENNY: Sure. But you know what would be a better thing? If he would fucking man up and admit that he’s in love with you and wants to be in a real committed fucking grown-up relationship with you.
brIDGET: I can’t tell which way you’re leaning…
PENNY: I love you. And I’m not afraid to tell you or anyone else that.
I think this baby I’m about to have deserves an auntie who won’t settle for anything less than a man who will show up for you in the way you really want a man to show up for you.
I don’t know if Craig’s a man who can do that, that’s up to the two of you to decide.
But I think you need to finally ask for strings. Or let him go.
PENNY: Shit. My water just broke.
brIDGET: Are you kidding?
PENNY: I’m a nurse. I don’t joke about bodily fluids.
brIDGET: OMG! I’ll stop by your house to get your overnight bag and see you at the hospital!
This Summer
CRAIG: Wheels down in Vancouver, Stitch. You around?
brIDGET: I’m around. Let me know when you’re at your house.
CRAIG: I will.
CRAIG: Looking forward to seeing you.
brIDGET: Me too.
brIDGET: He’s in Vancouver.
PENNY: Be strong.
brIDGET: I will.
PENNY: You deserve a real relationship, Bridget.
brIDGET: I know.
PENNY: You’re ending it today, right?
brIDGET: Yes. In person. Like a grown-up.
PENNY: Good.
PENNY: Do not have sex with him.
brIDGET: Course not!
PENNY: Bridget…
brIDGET: I won’t! I’ll just give him a hug and be like, “Hey, we can’t have sex anymore. Let’s be friends with no benefits. Let’s be friends who have no situation of any kind. Let’s be super chill about it!”
PENNY: Do not have sex with him.
brIDGET: Of course I’m not going to have sex with him.
CRAIG: About to fly out of Castlegar.
SAWYER: I have no fucking clue what a Castlegar is, but good luck with Stitch.
CRAIG: Don’t need luck.
CRAIG: Wait, I do need luck. I should have sex with her first.
SAWYER: I told the only woman I have ever said I want to be exclusive with after we had hot sex and she is currently having hot sex with someone who isn’t me, so—sure. Do that.
CRAIG: We should definitely fuck before we have the talk.
SAWYER: Whatever, just don’t fuck this up. I need this. Not for hockey reasons.
CRAIG: God forbid you should be honest with the woman you’ve been pining for.
SAWYER: I don’t pine. That’s not a thing. And there is no woman for me. Fuck off and go get yours.
CRAIG: I probably shouldn’t fuck her before the talk.
Sawyer liked “I probably shouldn’t fuck her before the talk.”
PENNY: Gently reminding you not to have sex with him
brIDGET: Definitely not going to have sex with him.