Chapter Twenty-Six
Jace
I knocked on Kayden’s door and ran a hand through my hair while I waited for him to answer. I’d worked most of the gel out of my hair with the way I’d been pulling at it since leaving my moms’ and I probably looked like a mess.
Kayden pulled his front door open, shirtless and in sweatpants. The sight of him after the day I’d had sent a blast of desire through me twice as strong as usual.
You can probably thank Olivia for some of that.
He nudged his glasses up his nose as he grinned, clearly happy to see me on his doorstep. “Hey, babe.”
I hadn’t even bothered to see if he wanted me to come over because my heart had been pounding as I considered the lines Olivia and I had just crossed and how Kayden would feel now that we weren’t just talking in hypotheticals.
He leaned in for a kiss and my body ignited when his lips brushed mine.
“Fuck, Kayd, you look so hot,” I said, grabbing his waist and tugging him against me as I deepened the kiss and slipped my tongue in his mouth.
He moaned and pulled back with an amused smile. “You’re going to have to tell me what happened on your so-called fake date because you’re coming back from it a very real kind of horny.”
“I’m sorry,” I said with a sigh as I ran my hand through my hair again. “Shit, this is so complicated.”
“Come in and talk to me,” he said tugging on my arm.
I followed him into his bookcase-lined living room, most of the shelves full of nonfiction, and sat down on the couch.
Stepping into his space felt like stepping into his brain.
There were sketches of buildings and floor plans all over the kitchen table and the coffee table, bookshelves on every wall, and each item in the space seemed intended for a specific purpose rather than decoration.
Everything was tidy and clean. Even the scattered papers seemed like they’d been intentionally piled so he could float between projects.
He walked to the kitchen and came back with two bottles of sparkling water and handed me one as he sat down next to me. I took a sip and tore my eyes away from an entire shelf of books devoted to the origin of the human species. Damn, he’s so smart.
“Tell me what happened, Jace.” He put his hand on my knee and squeezed gently. “I’m not going to be upset.”
“I got an erection, which she touched on accident, and then I told her I was in love with her.” I took a long swig of sparkling water and hoped it would turn to beer in my mouth. “Oh, and good news, she loves me too.”
Kayden smiled sympathetically and rubbed his hand on my knee supportively. I searched his face, waiting for the hurt or the fear or the confusion, but there was nothing, just acceptance and patience.
“Why aren’t you upset?” I asked.
“I told you whatever happened was fine, and I suspect that confession was a long time coming,” Kayden said, leaning back on the couch next to me.
He lifted his arm, and I shifted underneath it, resting my head on his chest. “I know you probably think I’m a broken, anxious man, Jace.
But I am truly okay with this situation. ”
“What situation, Kayd? What are we even doing? Because I need to be clear on what you what. I still have no idea what she wants.” I shook my head. “For the record, there is no part of me that thinks you’re broken, nor do I want you to think that about yourself.”
Kayden shifted sideways and I lifted my head as he took my hands. “Jace, look at me.” I turned to face him. “Stop worrying about what we want for ten seconds, please. What do you want? Honestly?”
I sighed, terrified to put my desire out there because it felt like too much to ask for.
Over the last couple of weeks, as I realized Kayden was not just a drive-by fling like the previous people I’d hooked up with since falling for Olivia, I’d been wondering frequently if it was possible to love two people simultaneously and equally.
I’d met several people in polyamorous relationships, both in college and since.
I’d hooked up with couples for years, often being their casual third for a while before moving on.
I knew people who had completely open arrangements, and people who had multiple partners with closed relationships.
Hell, my own mothers practiced consensual nonmonogamy together.
There were endless possibilities for how people could coexist in romantic and sexual relationships, and I had always been open to whatever felt right to me.
Even still, I’d never actually been in a romantic relationship with multiple partners and figuring out the boundaries of a relationship like that between three people who had never been polyamorous and were already connected in multiple ways to each other and had a child to consider was bound to have challenges, to say the least. Challenges that only mattered if both the people I had feelings for were even willing to consider something like that.
“Babe,” Kayden said gently, rubbing his thumbs over mine. “I know the look of spiraling thoughts well, and I can see that you’re spiraling. Try saying some of them out loud.”
“I don’t want you to push me into the arms of someone else unless you’re coming with me,” I finally said, chest tightening.
“I want to be with you, and I want to be with Liv, and I need you to stop saying you’re okay with that if there’s a chance that my loving her will cause you to walk away.
I don’t want to lose you, Kayd, and I can’t lose her either. ”
He pulled me against his chest, and I settled into it, enjoying the feeling of being comforted.
Liv had been right that I needed to stop trying to make sure everyone else was okay at my own expense, but it didn’t exactly come naturally to me.
If I wasn’t clear with them though, things would only stay complicated and confusing, and we’d never get closer to finding a solution.
“I am willing to be in a relationship with you while you’re also in a relationship with Olivia.
Only her though,” Kayden said, scratching the back of my neck soothingly.
“I love that you love her, and I love that you’ve been there for her and my daughter this whole time.
The only thing I’d ask of you is that you stay open to how my relationship with her may evolve over time.
You’re not the only one who’s been carrying around feelings for her for years, and while mine are not nearly as developed and possibly not reciprocated, they’re still there, and I’d want the option to explore them with her without jeopardizing what you and I have. ”
I blinked slowly, making sure I understood everything he said. “You’re fine with me dating you both separately, or maybe, eventually, all together?”
“Yes. No matter what happens, I don’t want to lose you either, Jace.”
“What if Olivia isn’t nearly as open to this fluid arrangement as you are?” I asked, looking up at him.
“If she decides she’s not comfortable with that, then I guess I’ll help you with your broken heart and do my best to make you feel as whole as possible on my own.
” He kissed me softly. “Or if that means you decide to let me go so you can be with her, I will swallow my heartbreak and wish you the best.”
I shook my head. “You’re unbelievable. How are you okay with this? I never would have even thought to ask you for this.”
He scoffed and gently nudged me off him as he stood up and walked to one of his bookshelves. “Why? Because I’m still half in the closet you assume I’d be terrified of polyamory?”
I sat up and lifted my arm for him to crawl under as he came back with a book, Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari. I’d seen the book in stores before and recognized the white cover with red lettering, but I didn’t know anything about it.
“Have you read this?” Kayden asked, showing it to me.
“No,” I said, chuckling. “I doodle in my spare time, Kayd. Nonfiction isn’t even on my radar.”
“That doodling turns into pretty sexy art.” He poked my chest playfully before opening the book and settling into the couch. “This book essentially combines what we know about natural science and social science to give a unique take on human evolution.”
“Okay,” I said, still not seeing the connection to our current predicament.
“Can I read you something from it?” he asked.
“Always,” I said. Just in the time since he’d picked up the book, I could see him slipping into that intellectual space that I loved seeing him in.
He flipped to an earmarked page and read aloud, “Mother Nature does not mind if men are sexually attracted to one another. It’s only human mothers and fathers steeped in particular cultures who make a scene if their son has a fling with the boy next door.
The mother’s tantrums are not a biological imperative.
A significant number of human cultures have viewed homosexual relations as not only legitimate but even socially constructive.
” He flipped a few pages and continued. “Culture tends to argue that it forbids only that which is unnatural. But from a biological perspective, nothing is unnatural. Whatever is possible is, by definition, also natural. A truly unnatural behavior, one that goes against the laws of nature, simply cannot exist, so it would need no prohibition.”
I kissed the side of his head as he closed the book. “Seems like there are a few people in the world who could stand to hear that,” I said.
He set the book on the coffee table before leaning back and looking down at me.
“My father caught me looking at another boy for the first time when I was fifteen. I’d looked before, in the same way I’d looked at girls, but there must have been something about the way I was admiring that particular boy that made him notice.
That boy also had a tattoo on his chest, so make of that what you will,” he said with a small laugh.