Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
THEO
What if he hates me?
James
He won’t hate you.
Noah
I don’t know… have you met Theo?
Caleb
Don’t make me smack you, Noah.
Thank you, Professor. I knew you loved me *heart emoji*
Caleb
Always *heart emoji*
James
When do you see him?
Today. He’s coming to the office after school.
Caleb
Need backup?
Thank you, but no. I need to do this by myself. I might need another pillow fort and a hug later though.
Caleb
Done.
James
Let us know how you get on. You got this, bro.
Once I learned what really happened with Blake, found out I was a dad, and processed the night with the guys, a steady calm settled in.
The voices in my head weren’t so loud anymore.
What that means, I don’t know. I just know that I don’t want to lose this feeling.
I don’t want to lose the fact that something in my life feels right for once.
It’s not lost on me that I act like a child half the time but still need to function like an adult.
People see me as insecure—a toddler, a man-child—but I’m just trying to find where I fit into this world.
What my purpose is and what I’ve done to deserve everything that’s happened to me.
Mike says it wasn’t my fault, that I was just a kid, but sometimes I wonder if I was a terrible person in a previous life.
If all of this is to repent for sins of the past. Who knows at this point.
I just want to wake up in the morning and be happy with my life.
To not feel like a failure who believes everything I touch turns to shit.
Blake and I have a long way to go to build bridges between us, but I feel like we’re heading in the right direction. Now I just need to win my son over, and I’m freaking the fuck out.
I’m so engrossed in work that I startle at the knock on the door. I glance up and see Blake standing in the doorway, shuffling around on her feet with her hands behind her back.
“What’s up?” I ask, my heart in my throat.
Is it time? I didn’t have an opportunity to go to the video game store to pick up more figurines and the hoodie I saw last time I was there. Shit. Bad dad already.
“I’d like to introduce you to someone,” she says gently, smiling.
A figure emerges from behind her, shouting, “Theo!”
He comes bounding over to me, talking a mile a minute.
I push out of my chair, my heart bursting in my chest as I look at my son.
Last time I saw him, he was just some random kid, but now that I know he’s mine?
It’s an indescribable feeling of epic proportions.
Tears line my eyes as I listen to him talk about the latest collection he’s asked his mom for as a birthday present.
Oscar stops talking long enough to ask, “Are you okay? Why are you crying?”
I huff out a watery laugh. “I got something in my eye, little dude. Hurts like hell.”
“You shouldn’t say hell,” he says matter-of-factly. “Mom says it’s a bad word.”
I ruffle his hair. “Always listen to your mom; she’s usually right.” I glance up to see Blake with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face as she watches us.
“Oscar, I’m gonna go do some work. You okay to hang out here with your da—Theo for a bit?”
Her slip-up doesn’t go unnoticed by either one of us, and her wide eyes meet mine. I nod, letting her know I heard it.
“Sure, Mom.” He starts taking off his jacket and pulling his books out of his bag. Blake gives us one more glance before slowly leaving the room.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be for her to leave Oscar with me. The courage it's taken her is awe-inspiring, and I couldn’t be more grateful for the gift she’s given me.
“What you got there?” I ask, looking over his shoulder.
He shuffles some paper around, flipping through his book until he’s at the right page. “I’ve got English homework to do.”
“Need some help?”
“Know anything about Shakespeare?” he asks.
I scratch the back of my head, blushing. “Not much, but I do know a guy who might be able to help.”
I slide my phone out of my pocket and FaceTime Caleb. James is going to kill me for this, but if it helps Oscar, it’s worth it. Plus, I’m desperate for this kid to like me, so this should earn me some brownie points, right?
Caleb answers on the third ring. His blue eyes and dark hair come into view as he registers it’s not a phone call and moves the phone away from his ear. “Theo? What’s up?”
I turn the phone in Oscar’s direction. “Could use some help from the resident professor. What do you know about Shakespeare?”
Caleb chuckles down the phone. “Hi, Oscar. I’m Caleb, Theo’s friend.”
“Hi,” he replies, waving awkwardly.
“Why don’t you tell me what you’re working on, and I’ll see what I can help with.”
I sit, watching them talk about an old, dead guy, and my heart is full to bursting as they banter back and forth.
“But he’s dead. Why do I need to know about this?” Oscar whines, throwing himself back in the chair. “It’s boring.”
“I thought the same thing when I was your age and now look at me… I teach it for a living.” Caleb smiles and leans in closer to his phone that is propped up on a table. “There was a method to his madness.”
“He was definitely mad,” Oscar mutters, and I bark out a laugh. This kid is too much like me.
“Why don’t we take a break. I’m sure Caleb needs to get back to whatever it was that he was doing, and your mom will be back in a bit,” I suggest, then take the phone and hang up after a brief goodbye.
We wander down to the office in search of snacks for Oscar and a coffee for me.
“Who’s your favorite Marvel character?” he asks, a serious look on his face.
Without hesitation, I reply, “Thor.”
“Thor is pretty cool,” Oscar admits. “Hulk is better though.”
I gasp. “The outrage. How can you choose a big oaf over the God of Thunder? Are you unwell? Did you hit your head and I missed it?” I ask, placing the back of my hand on his forehead. “Hmm, no fever. No blood.”
Oscar’s laughing at my antics. Maybe he doesn’t hate me?
“I like your hair. Mom won’t let me grow mine though. She says I need it short for school.” He pushes the door to the kitchen open.
I’m probably breaking every mom-and-dad code in the book when I say this, but oh well. “I’ll have a chat with your mom and see if I can’t change her mind. Long hair’s where it’s at.” I wink and head to the cupboard where I know Aimee hides all the good stuff.
I grab two chocolate muffins and make us a drink before sitting down at the table, the silence comfortable as we eat.
“Are you my dad?” Oscar blurts.
I choke on my food, hand pounding against my chest as I wheeze, “Huh?”
“I look like you. My eyes are the same color as yours and so is my hair. Are you my dad?”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Where’s Blake? 911. Help.
“Let’s go find your mom, yeah?” I manage to squeak out. “I think she’s in the library. She likes it there, something about better lighting or… something.”
There goes my nervous rambling again.
I gather the items from the table, throw the wrappers in the trash and the cups in the sink, then tilt my head in a let's go signal. Oscar’s quiet as we walk through the busy office.
Colleagues look on with confused and curious glances as we amble past. Seeing as we’re predominantly a criminal law firm, having kids in the office isn’t common.
I couldn’t really give a fuck though. My chest puffs out in pride that Oscar’s here.
We find Blake in the library, nibbling on the tip of a pen, lost in her own world.
“Mom,” Oscar says, running to her and hugging her.
She looks up, startled, before turning and embracing him. “Hey, bud. Did you have a good time?” she asks, pushing the hair off his face.
Butterflies start whirling in my stomach at the sight. But then the thoughts settle back in—they’re better off without you. They don’t need you. No one needs you.
I slap my face. I ain’t got time for this inner self critic bullshit today. They may not need me, but I need them. Oscar, I mean. I need Oscar.
“Yeah, Theo called his friend to help with my English homework,” he says, sitting down next to her.
Blake gives me a quizzical look.
“Caleb,” I mouth. She nods once. She never met Caleb, but I talked about him and the guys often enough that she knows of him.
“Is Theo my dad?” Oscar asks Blake. How kids can blurt things out without a care in the world, only to ultimately put adults on the spot, is a trait I’m not sure should be celebrated or chastised.
Sweat rolls its way down my spine, and I hold my breath waiting to see how Blake plays this. Will she tell him or keep it from him for longer?
I watch as she tenses before squaring her shoulders. “You remember when I said we don’t lie to each other? That lying is bad, and you should always tell the truth?”
Oscar nods, his blond hair moving with the action.
Blake takes a deep breath and glances up at me, affection in her eyes. I suck in a breath at what she’s about to do.
“Yes, buddy. Theo’s your dad.”
Now, I’d been expecting Oscar to scream he doesn’t want me as his dad, that he’d prefer literally anyone other than me, but all he says is, “Cool.”
Cool? Just cool? Oh god, he hates me. That’s why he isn’t jumping up and down and hugging me. My eyes dart to Blake, wide and terrified, but she smiles at me.
Why is she smiling at me? What the hell is going on right now? I feel sick to my stomach. I’m gonna be sick.
Sensing my distress, Blake pushes away from the desk and walks toward me while Oscar plops down in her vacated chair.
She doesn’t try to touch me, just leans in close enough to whisper, “This is a good thing, big guy. Trust me. Just give him some time to process, and everything will be fine, I promise.”
My shoulders drop, and I nod, blowing out a breath. “Does this ever get any easier?”
“Nope.” She laughs. “There’s always some sort of challenge every day. Wait until he starts bringing home school projects and you have to build a functioning volcano in less than twenty-four hours… that was fun.” She rolls her eyes playfully.
“I have so much to catch up on,” I whisper.
Blake’s face drops. “Yeah, you do, but I’ve got lots of memories and pictures to show you. I know it doesn’t erase the past, but hopefully it will help slightly.”
“I’d like that,” I agree, nodding.
“Is Theo—I mean Dad coming home for dinner?” Oscar asks.
I glance at Blake, who’s already looking at me. “I don’t know, bud. Dad? You coming for dinner?”
I don’t miss the way she doesn’t say home, but I guess it's not my home, it's theirs. I’m hit with a sudden case of jealousy, wanting their home to be mine.
But it won’t ever be.