Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
Gen and I lie low over the next week. I run into Jaeger once at the casino while I’m working, and he reminds me about the party this weekend.
I told him I thought we’d be there, but my first priority is to talk to Eric.
I can’t stand not knowing what’s going on.
Eric has avoided me for a month, and I’ve had enough.
I’m driving to my old college tonight, where he still lives, to talk to him.
It’s Friday and I manage to get off early. Gen is letting me borrow her car overnight and I’m crashing at my friend Reese’s place near Dawson University.
The drive down goes faster than I expected. That’s what happens when you spend the entire time trying to figure out how to ask your boyfriend why he’s avoiding you without sounding completely pathetic. I’ve decided it’s impossible.
It’s dark out, but all the lights are on at Reese’s when I pull up.
Reese has a serious boyfriend, so I don’t see her as often as I used to when we were freshmen, but we’ve remained close. Conveniently, she found a job on campus after graduation and still lives in town, while most of my friends have moved on to greener pastures.
I knock on the door to Reese’s apartment, and she answers in black skinny jeans, heels, and a designer sequined top.
“Bow-chica-bow-wow,” I singsong. “Going out?”
She drags me inside. “Yes, and you are too.”
“Actually—” I stop her, standing in the middle of her simple living room, which consists of a plain, muted brown couch and armchair, and a television.
It always amazes me that someone as fashionable as Reese lives in a home without flair, but her roommate is down to earth and Reese’s aesthetic obsessions tend toward clothing and accessories.
“—I was planning on finding Eric, then crashing early.”
Reese’s roommate Elena waves to me from the kitchen, her dark, wavy hair pulled into a messy bun on the top of her head.
She’s in flannel pajama bottoms and a ribbed tank top, stirring something that smells like beef stew in a large pot.
My mouth waters. I wouldn’t mind throwing on flannel PJs, forgetting this whole confronting Eric business, and joining her.
Reese studies my face. “What’s going on? I figured when you asked to stay here instead of with Eric, something was up.”
“To be honest, I don’t know what’s going on.” Which means there’s a strong possibility I’ll be making a butter pecan run in the near future. After two years together, I’m pretty sure things are over between Eric and me. What other explanation could he have for four weeks of avoidance?
“Okay.” Her eyes narrow. “So what’s your plan?”
“Find him and figure it out?” Then eat my weight in butter pecan?
I’m pretty sure I know what Eric’s going to say, but I still need to hear it. When your boyfriend doesn’t call for a month, doesn’t return your calls, and doesn’t appear to care whether you breathe—he’s no longer into you. There’s no sense in pretending everything’s okay, because it’s not.
Reese drums her multicolored nails against her lips—are those rhinestones on the tips? “What do you think about going to a bar?”
My upper lip curls. “Umm—”
“I only suggest it because I’ve seen Eric out a few times. Some of my coworkers have run into him at the bars too.”
Okay, that’s weird. I have no flippin’ clue where Reese works on campus. She’s vague about it. “Your coworkers know him?”
She waves her hand absently. “Never mind that. The point is, you might have better luck running him to ground at a bar.”
And doesn’t that just sound depressing? I have to hunt my boyfriend down to get him to dump me. “I guess that’s as good a plan as any.”
A sad smile crosses her face. “Let’s try Big Billy’s. It’s the new hotspot on Friday nights.” She scans my outfit. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but… did you bring anything else to wear?”
I glance at the baggy jeans and T-shirt I threw on for the drive. “Are you trying to tell me I look like crap?”
“If things are as bad as I think they are between you and Eric, you should look hot. Make him see what he’s missing.”
Hot. Jaeger makes me feel hot, and desirable, but my boyfriend doesn’t. Something’s wrong with that picture. “Okay.” My voice comes out shaky. When did I become this broken, pitiful thing?
“So, what did you pack?”
I pick at my T-shirt.
She shakes her head and grabs my wrist. “Come on, we’ll raid my closet. My mom just sent a batch of new clothes from Rodeo Drive.”
I forgot how rich Reese’s Hollywood parents are. This should be interesting.
An hour later, I’m dressed in a black mini, a butterfly-style top, and five-inch heels, entering Big Billy’s. My old college town is small, but you’d be surprised how dressed up people get. The clothes I’m wearing are mild compared to the short, sequined ensembles blinding me.
Reese and I squeeze through to the packed bar. We order Purple Hooters and beers, and Reese lifts her shot glass. “Cheers!”
I gulp down the grape-flavored concoction, and chase it with beer that tastes like piss. There’s a special on tap and I’m trying to conserve money for graduate school.
We move to a booth and it isn’t long before Eric walks in. He’s dressed in faded jeans and his favorite vintage 2006 World Cup T-shirt with an open short-sleeved button-down. He’s surrounded by a group of friends.
I don’t feel the urge to run and hug him, which is what I would normally do.
Yes, he’s been inattentive, to say the least. I’m not happy about that.
I don’t like the limbo our relationship has been in, but I’ve been telling myself that my attraction to Jaeger is because I haven’t seen Eric.
Well, I’m sitting here, staring at my boyfriend, and I don’t feel anything stronger than fondness.
What the hell?
Without the bond of school connecting Eric and me, it’s like there’s no anchor and nothing is left. Was our relationship really that shallow?
Reese stares at me from across the booth.
She glances from me to Eric, but doesn’t say anything when I don’t go to him.
In the meantime, Eric approaches the bar with his friends and immediately turns to a leggy blonde in dressy shorts that ride up her crotch, while his friends wait for their orders.
Eric leans in and touches the girl’s thigh. A sharp burn sears my gut. Eric’s not here to help a friend hook up, he’s flirting to score. He could have broken up with me at any point and moved on, if that was what he wanted. Instead, he dragged things out.
Suddenly, I’m not sure what we shared. I thought trust, at the very least, but this is bad.
Is it worse than me flirting with Jaeger, though?
I don’t know. I question everything—my actions, Eric’s actions—but after the effort I made to have this confrontation, the idea of walking up to Eric right now makes me want to hurl. I’d rather leave.
I don’t.
Eric and his friends take a booth a few tables over. He’s smiling at something one of his friends says as I approach. The friend sees me and elbows Eric in the arm. Eric lifts his head, the smile dying on his face.
My heart squeezes. Despite everything, I thought Eric cared for me. He seems shocked to see me, yes, but also annoyed. Like my presence has ruined his night, and that feels like shit.
This is not love or caring. I don’t deserve whatever this is.
Eric slides out of the booth and grabs my wrist. “Let’s talk outside.”
He’s walking too fast for me to keep up as we cross the bar. I yank my wrist from his hold, and he glares at me as though I’m being difficult. The bouncer at the door stamps our hands and we exit Big Billy’s.
Eric strides to a park bench at the far end of the block, as if he’s afraid someone will see us. He sits and waits for me to do the same. “What’s up?” The tone of his voice is curt.
“Seriously, Eric? I should ask you that question.”
He lets out a tense sigh, leans on his knees, and drops his head in his hands. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been a jerk, not calling and all. It’s just—I meant to say something when I visited you in Tahoe… Fuck, Cali.” He looks up. “I chickened out.”
Does he think our relationship will fade into the ether like some fog, if he avoids me? Son of a bitch. I’m not leaving until he says it. “Well, I’m here. Spit it out, Eric.”
“I—I want to break up.”
“No shit?” I go heavy on the sarcasm, because what the hell?
Any sort of confession the weekend he spent in Lake Tahoe would have been better than dragging things out for as long as he did.
“And you thought avoiding me would be better than just saying so? A word of advice, Eric. Give the girl you’re dating a little respect and break up with her before you move on. ”
“I haven’t,” he says quickly. “Moved on. Not really. I want to, though.” He looks down and sighs heavily. “Look, Cali, you’re leaving, and I’ll find a job and all, but you’re going to Harvard to become a lawyer. We’re just… different. I can’t see us together.”
All of a sudden, memories like missiles blast through my gray matter.
Eric getting trashed and leaving me at a bar to find my way home.
Eric, more times than I can count, putting his friends ahead of spending time with me.
Eric never introducing me to his family.
Why didn’t he introduce me to his family?
There were always reasons to excuse his behavior—my friend would give me a ride home, or I had to study and couldn’t hang out anyway—but I was so focused and confident I never saw the truth.
Eric was a crappy boyfriend.
He and I shared good times, and he had his sweet moments, but this is some serious stuff I blocked, because of what?
Arrogance? I was so confident I could make it work that I settled for a relationship that actually sucked.
And it only took distance and an attractive ghost from my past to realize it.
What have I been doing? “Goodbye, Eric.” I start to walk away.
“Wait. I—we can still be friends.”
I don’t know how to read the expression on his face. It’s not hopeful—more like resigned, as though he doesn’t want to be labeled the bad guy.
“I don’t think so.” A part of me hurts at the idea of never seeing or talking to Eric again, but I can’t be his friend. First of all, he’s a crappy friend, considering how he broke up with me, and thinking back to some of the things he’s done. Second, I need distance from him.
Eric’s jaw drops slightly, but he makes no move to stop me as I head for the bar. Reese is waiting with another Purple Hooter. I don’t feel like drinking, but I down the shot, because she got it to cheer me up. She doesn’t ask me what happened, but the look in her eyes says she already knows.
Eric and his friends leave promptly after he returns to the bar. I stay as long as I can without making it obvious I don’t want to be there, which lasts about twenty minutes.
Reese’s blond Viking boyfriend gives us a ride home.
After watching trashy TV for a couple of hours with Reese and her roommate, they go to bed, and that’s when the snot and tears and choking hiccups come.
I silently cry myself to sleep alone on their couch, because regardless of how well I’ve done in school, I feel like I’ve been living the rest of my life with blinders on.