Chapter 22
Hellcat skirted around him.“Let’s go downstairs so I can catch you up on our plans for the week.”
He watched her head down the hallway, but his legs were tree trunks rooted to the ground.
She’s not going to have the kind of dad you had.
She’d flipped the script on him. All this time, he was working it out from his perspective. His career, where he lived, how he could fit in visits.
He hadn’t thought about what life would be like for his little girl without a dad here to tuck her in at night, catch her when she fell, and help her with her homework. Sure, she had a grandfather and an uncle, but nothing replaced a father in a child’s life.
He remembered the pride he felt spotting his dad in the crowds, and the conversations they’d had while driving to away games—things he wouldn’t have disclosed in any other context.
He understood right then he might never have taken risks if he hadn’t had the solid foundation of his father’s love. With it, he’d felt safe in the world. So invincible he could jump off a cliff.
Shame burned a hole in his gut.
When he got to the kitchen, he found her putting a container in the microwave. “Didn’t you eat tonight?”
“It’s for you.” She punched the buttons.
“How’d you know I haven’t eaten?”
“Your stomach’s grumbling so loud, it’ll wake up the whole house.”
“True.” He peered into the dotted glass. “What’re you reheating?”
“Noa and Ginty stayed in town for dinner, so it was just me and Stevie tonight. I made vegetable lasagna.”
“Sneaking in those veggies?” He pulled down a plate and grabbed a fork.
“I don’t sneak with her. She helps me in the garden, so she’s grown up eating raw carrots and tomatoes. Even broccoli. And I have conversations with her about the importance of food, what it does for our bodies. She’s good about it. That’s not to say she doesn’t prefer cookies and ice cream, but she’s never known a meal that didn’t have fruits and vegetables.”
“You’re a good mom.”
“Yeah, well. I know what not to do, so that comes in handy. The rest…I’m learning as I go.”
“I like your vision for this place. A retreat.”
“Me, too. Sometimes, you just have to get away. It’s hard to work at home with all the distractions. Your partner, your kids, the TV, the dog—every time you get interrupted, it stops the flow. And I’ve obviously got the room for it.”
“Not only that, but you get to be surrounded by the part you love the best. The music. Seems perfect.”
“Exactly. But, I’m not ready for it yet. Stevie’s too young. I don’t want her to take a back seat to the artists.”
“Well, hang on. You wouldn’t be catering to them, right? You’re just giving them a space.”
“They’ll need meals. It’s so remote out here.”
“Can you hire that out? Get a chef who wants to live out here and leave it to her to work out a fee for the artists.”
“Probably. But what about cleaning? I’m not sure I want strangers coming in and out. I wouldn’t feel safe.”
“Who cleans your house?”
“I have a woman who lives here.” Awareness broke over her features, and she smiled. “And her partner hates commuting to her job in Wild Wolff Village. I bet they’d love the opportunity to make more money and take on twelve cabins.” She gently poked him in the belly. “You’ve got an answer for everything.”
“That’s why they pay me the big bucks.” Impulsively, he grabbed her finger and brought it to his mouth for a kiss. Fuck, he liked this woman. Liked her smile and her sparkly eyes. Liked her strength and creativity. Her spirit. A yearning welled up so fast and strong, he nearly grabbed hold of her.
He wanted to show her with his mouth and his hands what she meant to him. Because he’d liked her a lot in the cabin, too, but this? Now? It was so much more.
So, when she abruptly pulled away, it jarred him. Ripped him out of the fantasy he was building.
Reminded him she didn’t feel the same way. Or even if she did, she wasn’t going to get involved with a man who ran away when his feelings started to overwhelm him.
A man who lived in New York and worked eighteen-hour days.
She headed for the counter. “Okay, let’s talk about the plans.”
When the microwave beeped, he pulled out the glass container of steaming lasagna. He lingered for a moment, keeping his back to her. She didn’t need to see his disappointment.
Mostly, in himself.
“The cabins are done, and I ordered all the supplies—overnighted them—so it should all come tomorrow. Since we don’t want anyone from the outside coming in, we can’t hire masseuses for the spa day, but I bought a ton of products for us all to try. Hair, skin, nails, stuff like that. It’ll be fun. Uh, what else?” Her pen skimmed the page of notes, stopping with a tap. “Right. The chef and his staff will be here in the morning. They’re going to make a cold lunch that’ll be available all day long as guests show up.”
“You’ve done a lot.”
“Yeah, I think we’re in good shape. The cabins look fantastic. It’s amazing what new duvets and towels can do.” She turned back to her notes.
He moved across the room and set his container down. This woman needed transparency, so he’d give it to her. “This morning, my partner texted to tell me about some chatter from our former colleagues at Elite. It sounds like the reason my prospect stopped talking to me is because my old boss is going after him, and it pissed me off. Not only because of the time and money I’ve invested, but because I viewed Marcus as a mentor. I couldn’t believe he’d try and screw me over.”
“That’s awful.”
“Yeah. But not as bad as bailing on you.” He pressed his lips together and shook his head slowly. “I just reacted. I headed to the airport before I’d even booked a flight. It was only during my seven hours of flying that I calmed down enough to realize how self-centered I am. I’m sorry. I’ll try—” He stopped himself. “No. Try is a cop-out. I’ve only ever had myself to worry about. Now that I have you and Stevie, I’m going to reconsider my priorities and pay closer attention to my reactions.”
“Are you for real?” She pinched the back of his hand.
Had he fucked up again? He thought back over what he’d said, looking for where he’d gone wrong. “What did I say?”
“First, you apologized. But second? You actually came up with a plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Who even are you?”
“I’m a flawed man who wants to be as good and decent as my father was. And my dad would never have run out on you when you needed his help. He would never think about himself and his career when a child’s self-esteem was at stake.”
Her eyes widened. “Wow.”
He cupped her chin. “What? Talk to me.”
“You already are that man. You don’t think your dad had internal struggles, too? He had to make adjustments and switch his priorities. The fact that you even care… I mean, God, Slick.” She threw herself into his arms.
Her hair smelled different, and yet, he would know this woman anywhere any time. There was just something about her that snapped into place, that made her…
Mine.
Hellcat is mine.
He’d known all along, hadn’t he? No one had ever fit him the way she did. Not before the cabin nor after.
Holy shit.
He held her close, inhaling her scent, aware of the shape of her, the absolute rightness of this woman. And just when he was about to kiss her, she pulled away.
Wiping her tears with her fingertips, she said, “Here’s the thing. We…we have something here. There’s no point in denying it. And it’s good, Slick. It’s really good.” She gave a slow shake of her head. “But there’s a little girl who needs us to be there for her. I might want to kiss you?—”
“You do? Because I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to kiss someone more in my life.”
“Of course, I do. You think I don’t remember what it was like? No one has ever made me feel the way you do. I’ve never been so real, so exactly myself. I want you, Booker Hayes.” The wildness in her eyes flamed out. “But I can’t have you.”
Fuck. He wanted to challenge her—fight for them—but she wasn’t done.
“Not until you figure things out with Stevie. You live in New York. It was one thing in the cabin when I knew we wouldn’t see each other again, but do you honestly think it’ll go well if we give into this attraction and then…” She touched the fingertips of each hand together and then made an exploding motion. “I’m not built to have sex and then pretend like it never happened when you leave four days from now. And I certainly can’t handle having sex when you come to town. Don’t you get it? I’m a forever woman. When I give my heart, I go all-in. And you’re not that kind of man.”
Slowly, he stood. “Remember what you told me in the cabin? You said everything would change when I met the right woman. Well, you were right. I’ve met her. Hellcat, I want to go all-in with you.”
Her features softened. “Do you know what it even means? It means we live together. We raise Stevie together. It’s not you calling a couple of times a week. We’re not a stop on your way to Michigan. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Reality crashed over him. She was right. Everything she said…she was right. “I’m not in a position to leave my agency right now.”
“I’m not asking you to. I will never ask you to do something like that.”
“There are four of us, and we signed an ironclad contract because we anticipated these kinds of life changes. People getting married, having kids…needing to move out of the city. So, we agreed that for seven years, we have to live in New York and work out of the office.”
Her shoulders lowered in resignation. “I understand.” She motioned to his dinner. “I’ll let you finish.”
“Don’t go. Let’s…finish talking about our plans.”
“We have a big day tomorrow, and I’m beat. We’ll talk in the morning.”
As she walked away from him, his mind scrambled to fix the situation.
He could talk to his partners, explain the situation. Work remotely.
But how would that fix anything? He would still be on the road more often than he was here. He’d still take calls all night long.
He had to face the truth. His career was all-consuming.
It didn’t leave much for Hellcat and Stevie.
And he didn’t know what to do about that.
The guests were arriving in the morning, and he needed to be rested.
But he was wired, his mind cycling through a playlist of issues.
What he wanted to give Stevie and Hellcat but couldn’t.
About having all the guys here. With their wives and children. He’d get to hear their inside jokes and stories from a lifetime of being friends—the last thirteen of which didn’t include him.
And about his boss’s treachery. He replayed his conversation with Mr. Marchaud a dozen times.
“We appreciate everything you’ve done for our son, but we have to think about his future, and we think he’ll be best served by a more established agency.”
The man had given him all of ten minutes to pitch his firm—not just their clients but their ethics. And no, he hadn’t bad-mouthed his former boss. He’d win the hockey player based on his ability, not on shit-talking Elite.
His phone kept pinging, so he finally turned it off. He couldn’t talk out one side of his mouth about wanting to be in their lives while making no changes to the way he ran his business. He’d arranged time off for the wedding, so he would be fully present for it. He’d check his phone in the morning and at night.
Maybe small changes would lead to bigger ones.
One step at a time.
But mostly what kept him up was that he ached for Hellcat. For one brief moment, when he’d had her in his arms, the bright light of hope burned in his heart. He’d thought they could be together. That she felt the same way.
He hadn’t anticipated the giant obstacle she’d tossed in front of him. She didn’t want a friends-with-benefits relationship. Of course, he hadn’t thought of it like that, but he could see it from her perspective. The last thing she needed was to wonder who he was spending time with, wait for the phone to ring, or see pictures of him on social media and hold them up against the itinerary he’d given her.
She’d been betrayed. She needed someone she could count on.
Bottom line, there was only one way to win her heart and her trust.
One way to become part of this little family.
He reached for his phone and powered it up. Then, he tapped out a text message.
Booker: Need to carve out some time to talk to you tomorrow.
Before he could check his other messages, the phone vibrated. When he saw the name on the screen, he answered. “Hey. What’re you doing up?” It had to be one in the morning in New York.
George sighed. “The Banger’s wife called. He hasn’t been home in three days.”
“Ah, shit. You going to get Daryl on it?” Their concierge would hire a PI if necessary.
“There’s no point. When he’s gone like this, there’s no way to track him down, and his wife knows that. I’m just trying to talk her off the ledge before she jumps on social media and destroys his reputation.”
“I’ll never understand why people love drama.” And yet, his career was filled with it. “I don’t know why she doesn’t divorce his ass.”
“Who are we to get into other people’s business, though, right?” George asked. “She has her reasons. Anyhow, aren’t the guests showing up tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
“Right, you won’t have time to talk to me. I’m up now, so, talk. What’s going on?”
When he signed his contract with his partners, he’d thought about George getting married and having a kid. He’d thought about Caleb’s parents needing his care in Florida. He’d thought about Andreas’s baby mama following through on her threat to move back to New Hampshire, where her family could help raise her son since he couldn’t be around as much as she needed.
He’d believed he was the only one who’d have no reason to breach the contract.
And now, here I am.“I need to make some changes.”
“This is about the kid, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. My daughter.” The word felt strange in his mouth.
“Can’t say I haven’t been expecting this.”
He sat up, setting his feet on the plush carpet. “Look, about the contract?—”
“Dammit, Booker. I knew this was going to happen. Look, we all agreed to seven years, and it hasn’t even been three. It’s too soon. They won’t go for it.”
“But you will?”
“I don’t even know your plan.”
He drew in a breath. “I want to work remotely.”
“Not going to happen. And you want to know why? Because Caleb will move to Tampa, Andreas will move to New Hampshire, you’ll go to Wyoming, and where will that leave our agency?”
“I hear you. I get it. But it doesn’t have to unravel us.” He got up and paced across the room.
“You sure about that? If you were an athlete, would you sign with a new agency that’s all over the place? Why would you choose the dude who lives in Calamity, Wyoming over Marcus’s Park Avenue, billion-dollar firm?”
George wasn’t telling him anything he hadn’t told himself. But he had to make this happen. He had no choice. “New York can still be the base. That’s where we’ll have our meetings. I’ll open an office here—at my expense—and I’ll be in New York for our weekly meetings. That’s something Caleb and Andreas might agree to.” In any event, he had to give it a try. He had to convince them. “I’m out of the office most of the time anyway. All of us are. That’s the nature of our jobs.”
“You know I’ll do whatever’s best for you, but don’t lose sight of the reason we worded the contract the way we did. We knew this kind of stuff would come up, and the point of the clause was to keep everyone focused on building the agency. It’s nearly impossible to compete against Elite, and we knew we didn’t stand a chance if we allowed ourselves to get sidetracked by life.”
“I agreed because I never thought I’d have kids, but here I am.”
“Is it kids or is it Lorelei?”
He didn’t even hesitate. “It’s both.”
“Whoa.” George sounded floored. “You’re really into her.”
“It’s more than being into her. It’s…” Somehow, articulating his feelings to George before he talked to Hellcat seemed wrong. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know if I don’t give it my all, then I’ll never get a shot at something this good again.”
“Dammit, Booker.” George let out a rough breath. “You were the one who said we barely stood a chance to make it in the first place, that we’re doomed if we don’t commit one-hundred-percent.”
“I said that before I understood what Lorelei and Stevie mean to me.”
“Yeah, yeah. You know I can’t argue when there’s a kid involved. Okay. Bring it up at the next meeting.”
“It’s too far off. I need to prove to her I’m all-in. So, I’m going to call for an emergency meeting. I just need to know if you’ll stand with me.”
“Booker, you don’t even have to ask. I will always stand with you.”
He let out a breath of total relief.
“Unless we’re talking about bringing a cat into the office as a mascot,” George said. “I hate cats. Same for tuna fish. The day you ask me to break the ban on allowing tuna in the office, I will sit my ass down.”
He chuckled. “Understood.”
“So, yeah. Get everyone on a conference call and make your pitch. I’ll vote in your favor.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate that.”
“You got it. Talk later.”
“Later.” He disconnected and turned to the balcony. He honestly didn’t know how the vote would go. He’d chosen to work with these guys specifically because the four of them were equally driven and put work first. He wouldn’t have joined if any of them had a different mindset. If they prioritized family life over building the agency, he?—
“You want to go all-in?” Hellcat’s voice sent a shockwave through him.
She’d heard his conversation. He scrambled to think what else he’d said. “Yes.”
“What do Stevie and I mean to you?”
Normally, he could read her. But just then, as she stood in the doorway wearing pajama bottoms and an old concert T-shirt, she revealed nothing.
But that’s because she doesn’t trust you.
You have to earn it. This moment mattered. It was the first step. Start with Stevie. “I know if I go back to New York, if I don’t make any changes, I’ll be marginalized in her life. I’ll be an idea of a father.”
She nodded.
“I can’t do that. I can’t live in the world knowing I have a daughter and not be her dad.”
“You say this right now because you just found out. But once you’re back at work, maybe you won’t think about her much at all. You have to understand how fragile a child’s ego is. Her dad’s love gives her wings. If she thinks he doesn’t like her—and trust me, if your dad’s not actively involved in your life, that’s the message a child gets—she’ll spend her life believing she’s not loveable.”
“I won’t let that happen.”
“You told me what your career’s like. You said it doesn’t have room for a wife and children. That means she’ll become an obligation. I can’t stand the idea of her looking into your eyes and feeling unwanted.” She was her daughter’s fiercest protector—there was no doubt about it. But she was also a woman who’d been deeply hurt.
He wanted to make promises, wanted to reassure her, but he couldn’t see the future. He didn’t know what parenting would look like from two thousand miles away. “I need time to figure things out, but I hear you. I don’t want that for her, either.”
Her frown told him she didn’t like that. But he needed to be truthful. That was how trust was built. He moved closer, needing to bridge the distance. “The reason I’m still awake is because my mind won’t shut down. I keep seeing her first day of kindergarten. Her first skate. Her first home run. Starring in the school play. And I’m thinking about myself as the dad whose assistant orders flowers, who drops a grand on some over-the-top birthday present. The dad who visits her once a month or spends every other Christmas with her. A week in the summer. But none of it feels right.”
“No, it sounds awful for all of us.” She sounded defeated. “I can tell you from experience that every bouquet, every card, every expensive birthday present will just be a reminder that you don’t care enough to show up.”
That was it. He was done with the distance. In three steps, he had a grip on her arms. “I won’t do that to her. I don’t want to do that.” Couldn’t she see the sincerity in his eyes? Hear it in his voice? He didn’t know how to get through to her.
“You say that now, but once you go back to New York?—”
“I’ve already done that, remember? I left the cabin and went back to my life in the city. And even through all the chaos of quitting my job and starting my own agency, not once did I forget about you. Look at me, Hellcat. After being back here with you for two days, I’m already setting up a meeting with my partners to try and change the terms of our agreement.”
“I know.” She pulled away. “It’s just…I know you.”
What the hell did that mean? “Then you know I’m a man of my word.”
“But it’s not words we want from you. Can’t you see that?”
No, he couldn’t. “Tell me what you want, and I’ll give it to you.” What was he missing?
“I want your heart.”
“You have it, Hellcat.” And she did. He knew it without a doubt. “You have my whole heart.”
“What does that mean when your heart’s got a moat and razor wire around it? You have to know you put people in categories. It’s how you try to control your feelings. And I’m telling you, Stevie’s going to know she’s in the daughter box.”
“You’re not making sense right now. She is my daughter.”
She shook her head in frustration. “Put it this way. Does Ginty know you just found out you’re a dad?”
“No. It’s his wedding. Not to mention, he’s a client.”
“That’s my point right there. Ginty’s a friend, Slick. A friend would be so angry you waited to tell him something this important. But you’re stuck back in high school when you found out you didn’t mean as much to those guys as they did to you. And I’m not blaming you—that would be awful. And then, your family—the core foundation of your life—turned out to be a lie. So, yes, you absolutely protect your heart. You’re afraid of investing completely in anything because it might just be a fantasy.”
What could he say? It all rang true.
“And it’s sad because you have the biggest heart of anyone I know.”
“You just said I can’t feel my heart.”
“Oh, you feel it all right. You just protect it. And that’s what makes you dangerous.”
“Oh, now, I’m dangerous?”
“To me and Stevie, yes. You know how you walked out on me?—”
“I left a note.” He was practically shouting now.
“No, I know that. But the reason you could leave like that was because you’d put me in a box. Woman I’m Never Going To See Again. Do you see how it protects you? If you had feelings for me, leaving would hurt. But if I’m someone you’re not going to see again, it’s no big deal.”
“I can see what you’re saying. But I’m not holding anything back with you. I’m not dangerous.”
“Really? You have no idea what that time with you meant to me. Even though I was squatting in your home, you would’ve slept on the couch in below-freezing weather. You gave me Christmas. You could’ve ignored me and smoked a cigar in front of the fire like you’d planned. You took such good care of me—and the way you touched me…”
“It was real, Hellcat. All of it was real.”
“Exactly. I believed we had something special. So, when you left without saying goodbye, it hurt. So deeply. It seemed like you were unaffected. That I was in it alone. And until you see what I’m talking about, you’re going to keep doing it. You’re going to give me and Stevie that big, beautiful heart, we’re going to fall madly in love with you, and then, something will happen. And you’ll walk away like we were nothing but acquaintances.” She waved a hand at him in frustration. “Forget it. I’ll let you get some sleep.”
“I don’t want to sleep.” He wasn’t sure if he sounded belligerent or petulant. Probably a mix.
“Well, honestly, Slick, I don’t know what else I can say to make you understand.”
He strode over to her and closed the door so no one would hear them. Then, he caged her in against the wall. “I’m not your ex.”
“I know that.” She let out a shaky breath.
“I’m not your mother.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
“You didn’t have to. You’re painting me with the same brush. You just heard me say I’m meeting with my partners to change the terms of my contract, but you didn’t ask what my plans were. You didn’t want to hear them. You trusted your ex, your best friend, and your mom. They were your family, and they fucked you over. But I’ve never lied to you, and I’d never betray you. Never.”
He watched the battle play out in her blue eyes, and he didn’t know what to say to convince her, but he had to try. “You heard me tell George I’ll never have something this good again. That I need to prove to you I’m all-in. It took all of twenty-four hours of being back with you to figure that out. So, if you’re not painting me with the same brush as those fuckheads, why are you walking out that door?”
He saw the moment the battle ended, when the fight left her body. “Because I’m scared. I’m scared to trust you. With my ex, it threw me into a tailspin, and I lost myself. But I didn’t have feelings this big. Slick, you have the power to destroy me.”
“Why would I destroy the person who means the most to me? Why would I hurt the person who makes me the happiest I’ve ever been?”
She was struggling, wanting to believe him but letting fear win. He could see it play across her features and in her eyes. “Because you’ve been hurt.”
“Yes, I have. But I’m fighting like hell here to walk through it. To walk toward you and Stevie. Don’t put obstacles in my way. Give me a chance.”
“Oh, damn you.” She was staring at his mouth.
He might not have seen it in a while, but he knew that look. “You better stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?” But her eyes had gone half-lidded. “We’re having a conversation.”
“We’re having two conversations,” he said. “One with our mouths, and the other with our bodies.”
“Well, I’m sorry you’re so stupid-hot. I can’t help my reaction to you.”
He grinned. “You think I’m hot?”
“You know I do.” She pressed her palms flat on his stomach—whether to keep him from coming closer or to bridge the distance, he couldn’t tell.
Then again, from the way she’d just licked her bottom lip… “And you can’t keep your hands off me.” He might’ve used a teasing tone, but he was painfully hard and wild with need.
“It’s not easy, no.”
He grabbed one and placed it on his chest so she could feel his thundering heart. “You feel that?”
She nodded.
“That’s what you do to me.” He looked into eyes that burned with yearning, and he didn’t see a shred of doubt or fear. His gaze traced a path across cheeks rosy with need and down to a mouth softened and ready to be kissed. “But I’m not going to kiss you.”
“No?” She sounded strained. “Not even one little one?”
“If I do…” God, he wanted her. He wanted everything with this woman. “There’s no going back.”
“That’s what I want, Slick. I want it all.”