Chapter 2
Roo
The flight to San Francisco took forever, and the connecting flight to Portland seemed to take even longer.
Tanner wanted to pick me up from the airport, but my aunt insisted on me stopping by to see the family for the weekend.
She still doesn’t forgive Dad for moving back to Australia, but when your parents are from different countries, that shit takes compromise.
I take a bus and leave Portland late Sunday afternoon, which gets me into Sunbury after nightfall.
As I leave the dense forest behind and start to see the first signs of civilization in the past few miles, I’m hit with an overwhelming surge of nostalgia.
I swallow past the lump in my throat as I remember the last time I looked out on these farms, during our drive out of town when we were headed to the other side of the world.
I’d been just as tired and weary and nervous and uncertain then.
Now … I puff out a breath as I look up at the familiar mountain range overshadowing Sunbury and housing the state-famous Crown Trails. This whole place is one giant reminder of Tanner, soured by the lingering memory of how people used to treat me as the epileptic kid.
I pass through a residential stretch, and I’m tempted to ask if I can get off here and walk past my old house, but the anxiousness at my reunion with Tanner keeps me heading for O’Connell Road.
The jet lag is kicking my ass. The streets are familiar, the memories strong, but everything has a weird hazy edge to it, and my body is begging for sleep. I already regret agreeing to meet Tanner at the bar.
I’m the last person aboard the bus, and the driver is nice enough to pull up in the bar parking lot.
It’s one of the only places in town that isn’t full of memories.
I left Sunbury when I was eighteen, so I wasn’t legal then.
Well, I wasn’t legal here. Once I got to Australia and recovered from my operation, I took full advantage of the lower drinking age, totally disregarding my doctor’s recommendations.
I thank the driver as he closes the doors and pulls away, and for a moment, I stand there with my suitcase and stare up at the glowing red sign.
It still doesn’t feel real to be back here, and I can’t believe that in a few moments I’m going to see Tanner again for the first time in years.
Things have changed so much since I was last here.
So much that looking around at Sunbury makes me wonder if I can really stick it out for the few months I’d planned.
I’m pretty sure the answer is no.
I hated this place growing up. It was like being in a fishbowl. People always gossiping and giving me the side-eye like they thought I might seize out at any moment. Which is sort of accurate, but not a great way to be treated when you’re a teenager and everything already feels like shit.
And yet here I am, running back to Tanner, like we’re still the same codependent dickheads we were in high school. Except this time, I haven’t sneaked out through my window and walked a couple of streets over. This time I’ve flown across continents for someone I don’t even know anymore.
The winter chill makes me shiver, and I wrap an arm around myself while I run a hand over my short beard. If I know Tanner, he’s going to expect me to be the same scrawny kid he had to protect in high school. He’s going to want everything to revert back to exactly how it was five years ago.
But how do I go back to Tanner being my entire world, when I’m keeping two pretty huge things from him?
He used to know me better than anyone.
But he doesn’t know I’m gay.
And he doesn’t know I’m completely in love with him.
In high school, I went through all the usual teen angst. I’d catalogue the nights we shared a bed, or how he’d strip down in front of me in the locker room, or pull me into his lap when there were no free chairs left.
Then I’d go home and jerk off relentlessly over every single moment.
I lived for the angst. For all the touches that drove me crazy.
For the glimpses of his firm, round ass.
Tanner’s always been Mr. Sunbury, the golden child of the town, and it added to his allure. For a lost shithead like me, seeing someone so put together drove my poor baby gay heart wild.
It wasn’t until I flew back to Australia and learned that my dick was good for more than jerking off over my best friend that I lost my virginity. But I’ve never been able to commit to a relationship because everything comes back to Tanner.
So now I’m here.
To finally tell him.
And no, I’m not a naive idiot who thinks he’ll miraculously fall in love with me, because while I discovered men outside of Tanner, he discovered women. But for some reason my dumb ass needs to hear the words come out of his mouth.
Okay, let’s get this shitshow on the road.
I make my way toward the Ugly Mug, just waiting for someone to jump out and card me.
It doesn’t happen, and I have to remind myself that I’m a grown as fuck man now.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Tanner doesn’t even recognize me.
I’m not someone who plasters photos of himself all over social media, and we rarely video-call.
It doesn’t help that over the last five years I’ve purposely tried to pull away. There were months where we didn’t talk, but it always ended the same—with a weak moment, and me calling him and falling for him all over again.
I pull open the door and take in the pseudofamiliar scenery.
A bar is a bar no matter where you are in the world.
Booths on one side, a bar across the front, pool tables in the back.
It’s not until I blink away my funk and concentrate on what I’m seeing that I realize it’s not only Tanner I’m meeting here.
Ah, shit.
One booth is packed with people, and as I take in the Welcome Home banner and balloons, I know exactly who they’re all waiting for.
“Royce, over here!” Jules stands up, waving madly, and I laugh at how she hasn’t changed at all. She’s still got a swishy blonde ponytail, vibrant smile, and too big attitude for her tiny body.
“What the hell is all this?”
Laura and Rafe, Leon, Circus, and Dahlia.
The whole gang is here, and that’s … weird.
I knew from talking to Tanner that no one but me had moved on, but knowing that and actually seeing them like this, captured in time like I’ve missed a week instead of five years, is way too surreal for my tired brain.
“Your homecoming!” Jules says through her perpetual smile, stretching her arms wide.
One by one they get out of the booth to hug me or pat my back, and I notice tiny differences—Laura’s pixie cut, Leon’s already graying hair, Circus’s septum piercing—but if I’m completely honest, none of them hold my attention.
I manage a polite smile and accept their surprise at how different I look, and questions about Australia, but I’m basically vibrating out of my skin, wondering where the hell Tanner is.
And then I hear it.
“Roo?”
Nerves explode deep in my gut. There’s only one person who calls me that. My shoulders draw up tight at the familiar voice, and I steel myself to turn, prepared to face a stranger.
But the man in front of me hasn’t changed.
He’s still my Tanner.
And yes, he’s taller and wider and his swimmer’s build has been replaced by one that could tear other men apart. His blond hair is buzzed short. But his brown eyes are still sweet, his chin is still scarred, and he still looks at me like I’m the most important person in the room.
“Tanner.” Dear God, I’m not going to cry. I try to swallow back the emotion, but it gets lodged in my throat, and before I can get another word out, he closes the distance between us and swamps me in a hug.
And as I melt into his touch and feel his hand run through my hair and his lips kiss my ear, he murmurs over and over how much he’s missed me. I finally acknowledge I am well and truly fucked.
The last time we saw each other, I’d been sobbing my heart out over leaving, and he’d just hugged me and told me it was for the best.
I couldn’t disagree more.
In Tanner’s arms is a place I’ve been countless times before, and like every other time, I close my eyes and commit the moment to memory. I wait for him to let go first, then quickly step back like I don’t want to plaster myself against him permanently.
He lets out an awkward laugh and swipes at his eyes. “Wow. Hey, so …” His smile lights up his face. “You’re back.”
For now. “I guess so.” And I want to stop looking at him, because that’s the normal thing to do, but just try and tell my eyes to look away.
I’m suddenly painfully aware that leaving him again will be near impossible. I’d have more chance trying to get him to leave with me.
Which actually isn’t a terrible idea …
“Okay, I’m buying,” Circus says in that dry rasp of his, snapping me out of the moment. He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and taps my shoulder with his free hand. “Beer okay?”
“Yeah, sounds good.” I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep it down anyway. This whole thing feels … right. Which is completely freaking me out.
Fingers close over my wrist, and Tanner tugs me to the table. He slides into the booth far enough for me to take the seat next to him, and the dark red leather groans as I sit.
“This is new,” Tanner teases, brushing his thumb over my cheek.
“Pretty sure my face has always been there.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ve never been able to get it to shut up.” His shoulder nudges mine. “I meant the beard.”
I’d grown the beard so I didn’t look so baby-faced. “And you cut your hair. It’s amazing what you can manage in five years.”
“Couldn’t manage to fix that dry humor, though, could you?”
I snigger, turning my whole body toward him and propping my chin on my hand. “Why fix what’s already perfect?”
His eyes are bright with amusement as they trace my features, and it’s moments like this when I can almost believe I have a chance with him.
“Jesus Christ, you two.” Dahlia snorts and flicks a coaster toward me that I barely manage to deflect. It flops into a water ring. “Are nonconjoined-conjoined twins a thing?”
“Surely a petition could make that happen,” I deadpan.
But now that I’ve torn my attention away from Tanner, I’m privy to the bemused smiles everyone is throwing our way.
“They can’t be twins,” Leon explains. “Twins are related, and that would be creepy with how in love they are.”
Tanner laughs. “Already?”
But while he might find the old joke amusing, I can’t bring myself to laugh. Not anymore.
Luckily, Circus gets back before I have to say anything, and sets two trays of beers down. “Everyone ready to toast?” He grabs one of the glasses and holds it up. “To Royce. Thank you for finally coming back and balancing out the group again. You know how I feel about odd numbers.”
“For heaven’s sake, sit down,” Jules huffs.
“Now for a real toast. Royce, the last five years have sucked without you here, for some of us more than others …” Her blue eyes flick toward Tanner.
“But now that you’re here, it’ll be like you never left.
And I know I speak for all of us when I say I’m glad you’re back. To Royce.”
“To Royce.”
I don’t have the heart to point out this is only temporary.
Everyone knocks their glasses together and drinks, but Tanner hesitates, beer at his lips. “Here’s to feeling whole again.”
My attention snaps to him. He’s watching me, and he looks so sweet and naive, I want to wrap him in Bubble Wrap to stop the world from getting through. It must be the only reason I answer, “To being whole.”
Because the irony is, while everything seems better with him beside me, I can already feel myself starting to break.