Chapter 2
Rowan
Well, that could have gone better.
I’ve been waiting for weeks for Circus to show up in town again, so when I got a call from my sister to say he was at Ugly’s, I’d gone straight down …
And completely screwed my chance of getting a resolution.
Drinking myself into oblivion after he left probably wasn’t the smartest choice either.
Oh well, it’s another day.
I set about working the grill at Harvey’s Burger House. While the diner has been in my family for years, I do not miss this part of Sunbury. It’s hot work, and I swear by the end of every shift, my hands reek of onion and pickles.
It’s a familiar smell from the year I spent working here between graduating high school and starting college.
“How are you doing?” Mom asks, leaving the office to check the orders.
“Yeah, fine. Not too busy.”
She gives me her warm, motherly smile that never fails to make me feel guilty. “I tell you, I’m glad you’re back. Every time I see you out here again, it’s like you never left.”
I chuckle even though I’m not feeling it.
“I was gone for five years.” And I don’t think I’ve ever spent five years more confused and lost than during my time in Portland.
Being back here feels like I get another chance to start over.
To forget the dumb choices I made in Portland and pick up my life where I left off.
I just wish it were that easy.
“Okay, well, before I start getting all sentimental that my boy is home …” She takes a deep breath and pushes off the counter she was leaning against. “I’ve got some orders to place. Shout out if you need a hand, okay?”
“Will do.”
She disappears back into the office, and my shoulders slump. Whenever I’m around my family, I always feel the need to be “on,” and after only a month back here, I’m already exhausted by it.
The door to out front slams open, and my sister Piper rushes into the kitchen.
“Quick, we’re swapping.”
“We’re doing what now?”
But Piper doesn’t answer. She’s already tugging off my apron and pushing me toward the door.
“Wait, no, stop.” I laugh and grab her bony shoulders. It never occurred to me how much shorter she is until I spent some time away. “Calm it, sis. Explain.”
“Circus is here,” she hisses like it’s some kind of secret.
And … it sort of is. My gut does that thing where it turns into a storm-ravaged sea. I lick my lips and taste salt. “What’s your point?”
“He never comes in here. Ever. And I have no idea why you have to talk to him, but now’s your chance. Go.”
She doesn’t know. She could never. My sister is my biggest support, and I swear nothing I could do would ever make her think less of me, but … what I did to Circus definitely toes that line.
Which is why I cannot talk to him about it here. This town is way too fucking nosy to discuss private business in my family’s diner.
I force a smile as I take Piper’s pad and pen. Yippee, go me. About to serve a guy who hates my guts. Seems like the perfect way to end the weekend.
And when I step out from behind the counter and see him sitting there, he steals my breath like always.
He’s … beautiful. There’s no other way to describe him.
Circus has his mom’s Italian skin and black hair, his dad’s smoldering gray eyes.
And I say “smoldering” not to sound like a complete douchebag, but because it’s the most accurate way to describe them.
They’re always a little squinty, a little lustful, and they’re what ultimately made me give in to every urge I’d been fighting for the better part of high school.
I swallow all that back and approach his table.
His relaxed expression immediately closes off as his eyes narrow, and I have to shift my attention from him to Royce.
“What can I get you guys?”
Royce lifts a sardonic eyebrow. “Since when do you do table service here?”
“You guys are just special, I guess.”
“Uh-huh.” He looks skeptical as hell, and it makes me wonder if Circus ever told him what happened between us.
I always imagined he would run his mouth about me all over town—it was one of the reasons I took off—but when time passed with no whisper of it reaching my sister, I realized he’d somehow kept it to himself.
I don’t deserve it.
But damn if I’m not grateful anyway.
From the corner of my eye, I notice Circus tuck his hands behind his head, lean arm muscles popping under his shirtsleeves, shaggy dark hair a sinful mess. I refuse to look.
Even as my mouth goes dry.
Even as I ache to touch.
I’ve managed to mostly ignore my craving for men for the past five years, but Circus has always had a way of breaking down my resolve.
“Have you guys decided?”
Royce nods and orders a black coffee with toast before handing his menu to me. Then I have no choice but to look at Circus.
He’s so … laid-back now. I’m not used to the stillness. At school, he was always bouncing around and making people laugh, like he didn’t have a care in the world. People used to call him a clown, but he figured, why be a clown when you can be the whole circus? It’s where he got his name.
That person is clearly long gone now.
He watches me steadily, and it’s like I can see fire brimming behind his eyes. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s picturing punching me in the face.
“And you?”
“Granola and a green smoothie.”
I frown. “Ah … we don’t do green smoothies. Just banana, strawberry, and chocolate.”
He scoffs. “See, Royce? Told you we should have met at Peg’s.”
“Yeah, but Tanner and I always meet here. And you just had to talk to me this morning.”
“I’m regretting that choice more and more each minute.”
I’d say they’ve forgotten me as they bicker, but there’s a tension crackling in the air between us that tells me Circus is just as aware of me as I am of him.
“Let me see what I can do,” I eventually say, then leave them to it.
If Circus wants a dirty green drink, I’ll get it for him. If I have to be his personal waiter for a week—a month!—I’ll do it.
Because no matter how much I tried to move on with my life in Portland, I couldn’t do it.
Not after how I left things here.
I’d like to say that what I did to Circus was my only reason for running away, but my family played a big part in that decision too.
Especially my grandpa. And all the times he’d beaten “that sissy shit” out of me as a kid.
I let out a long breath.
Right. Green shit.
I google ingredients for a green smoothie and start to throw them together. It’s not going to be what he’s after, but it’s the best I can do.
I grab Royce’s coffee, and seeing Tanner walk in, I make his usual too. Then I head back to their table.
Circus’s back is to me as I approach, and I catch the back end of the conversation. “… have a proposition for you.”
Royce and Tanner share a look.
“Just hear me out,” Circus continues. “It’s super easy. All Royce would need to do is pose in this swimwear with me, plaster the pictures all over social media, and then he’ll make an easy twenty-five K.”
Twenty-five K? I almost drop the drinks, so I hurry to plonk them on the table. “That’s a lot of money.”
“Eavesdropping,” Circus says. “What a complete surprise.”
“You’re in a public place.”
“And I wasn’t talking to you.” He picks up his smoothie, and I’m sure he wants another reason to throw a quip at me. But as he drinks, his eyes flick toward me, and then he hurries to set the glass on the table. I must have passed some kind of test because he stays quiet.
“What’s going on here?” Tanner asks. “You guys were friends in high school. Did something happen?”
Only the worst moment of my entire life.
“Yeah,” Circus replies. “I learned good judgment.”
“What was this about photos?” I ask.
“What was this about minding your own goddamn business?” The forced civility in his tone is starting to slip. It makes my heartbeat kick up a notch.
And yes, he has every reason to hate me, but I need to remember the reasons for keeping my distance too. Namely, this insane pull I have to him.
“I still don’t think I understand,” Tanner says. “Someone wants to give you money to take photos in a swimsuit?”
“I’m an influencer,” Circus explains. Which of course I already knew after stumbling across his social media account. “Brands give me money to wear their stuff so others will go buy it. But Royals wants someone to do it with me. They want it to be, ah, sexy.”
Somehow I can just tell he’s trying not to look at me.
Tanner reels back. “And you wanna get sexy with Roo?”
For some reason Circus finds that hilarious, and I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t told me to piss off yet.
“It’s all an illusion. But I know Royce’s freckles will get people’s attention and make the shots stand out. I’d be happy to do it with you too, but can you honestly say you wouldn’t be awkward as fuck, pressed up against me in only a swimsuit?”
Poor Tanner’s whole face goes red. “Ah, no, definitely not. That’s not for me.”
Royce lifts a hand. “With all the love in the world, you don’t have a chance in hell of me doing it either.”
“It’s over twenty grand!” I can’t believe my ears.
Tanner shrugs. “Our mortgage isn’t huge, and I’m not really about money. And it’s not something Roo’s ever had to worry about.”
I will never understand not being motivated by money. It’s just … unnatural. “I’ll do it.” The words fall out of my mouth before I’m even sure what I’d do with them.
Circus snorts. “No, you won’t.”
“It’s twenty-five thousand dollars. I would do just about anything for that kind of money.”
He turns a blank expression on me. “Including punching someone in the face? Oh, wait, no. You do that for free.”
The excitement that had been building slowly shrivels up. Thinking for even one second that he’d consider doing anything like that with me was stupid. I’m pretty sure Circus would rather give up the contract completely than let me at that kind of money.
And damn, it’s a lot of money.
With that kind of cash, I could get out from under my family and actually do something I want to do. I could leave this stupid diner behind.
But … that’s never going to happen.
I let my disappointment sink in and give him a dry smile. “Just think about it.”
Then I storm back out into the kitchen, relieve Piper of my apron, and get back to grilling burgers.
Because that is where someone like me belongs.
Just ask my grandpa. He’d say I’m atoning for my sinful thoughts, and dear God, Circus makes me have sinful thoughts.
I remember that night, five years ago. Even though I graduated the year before Circus, I still spent most of my free time with him, was addicted to him. And after seeing Circus leave Harvey’s with his date earlier that night, I couldn’t fight it anymore.
I remember how I snuck into his prom and stole him away into the back halls of the school. How I finally gave in and took the kiss I’d been dying to take for years. How Circus got on his knees and showed me what true pleasure is.
And where, in my post-orgasm high, one of my friends found us.
I’d pushed Circus up against the lockers and punched him clean in the face.
I grit my teeth against the tears that want to fall again and remind myself I don’t deserve to let out even one.
I’m a piece of shit, and those kinds of thoughts bring nothing but trouble.
I just need Circus to forgive me so I can move on.
And forget about him for good.