Chapter 6
Rowan
Walking in and seeing Circus with his ass out is literally the last thing a sexually frustrated gay man needs.
“What the hell is that?”
Circus glances down at what I’m assuming is a swimsuit and shrugs. “What we’re wearing.”
“We as in both of us?”
He picks up another one and tosses it my way.
Well, I guess this is happening.
I slide the tiniest bathing suit known to man on under my towel before pulling the towel from my hips and running it over my still-damp air.
“Sit.” Circus points to a chair next to where he’s clearly set up for us to shoot. And damn, he’s got his grumpy pants on today. Looks like I don’t need to worry about keeping my distance when he’s doing it enough for us both.
“Are you planning on treating me like a dog all day?”
He just stares at me.
I’m not sure why his total lack of wanting to be around me makes me smile, but I somehow manage to resist as I do as I’m told. He steps close enough I can see goose bumps pebbling his skin, and then he turns on a hairdryer and sets to work.
I’ll give it to him, he knows what he’s doing.
He parts my dark blond hair to the side and makes it look all full and messy in a purposeful way, rather than the shag ball it usually is.
I force all of my focus straight ahead instead of on the smooth plains of his stomach.
“You remember no face, right?”
“Clearly, otherwise I’d be doing your makeup too.”
“Ah, right.” I clear my throat as he puts the hairdryer away and realize that it’s time to do this.
“Okay. First few shots will be easy. Just lie on that sun lounger like you would if you were at the beach—”
“Wearing nothing—”
“And relax. The more into it you are, the better. If you’re feeling awkward it’ll definitely show, so just … don’t do that. This might be some easy payday for you, but it’s important to me, so I need you to take it seriously.”
I salute. “Got it, Captain.”
He doesn’t find me amusing.
Circus takes his sun lounger and spreads out on his front. Completely without permission, my gaze tracks down his smooth back, to his sinfully round ass. It’s a shade or two lighter than the rest of him, and I unconsciously lick my lips as my dick starts to take an interest.
Not the fuck now.
I quickly cross to my lounger and drop down onto my front, squashing my semi beneath me. A smarter man than me probably would have jerked off before coming here.
“Okay, just one photo like this, and then you should be on your back.”
“What happened to not showing my face?”
“You’ll put your arm over it, obviously. Then I’ll edit the rest. Just a warning, most of the pictures I take are going to have your face.” He smirks. “You’re just going to have to trust me.”
I don’t like the sound of that. Any photos with my face involved could easily be “leaked” and wind up in my family’s hands. “Umm … you get why I don’t want my face seen, right?”
He scoffs. “You gave me a broken nose, not amnesia. Of course I know, just like you should know I’m not a piece of shit who’ll out you.”
“I’m just saying—”
He sits up suddenly, eyes flashing. “Stop just saying. We’re not here to chat. We’re not catching up. We’re doing a job. Now can you shut up and just do it?”
“No.”
“No?”
I sit up and mirror him, waiting for him to meet my eyes. When he finally does, I remember how dangerous his stare can be. “I’m sorry.”
Surprise flashes across his face.
“I know that doesn’t make up for anything, but I am. What I did was wrong, and I’ve spent the last five years regretting it.”
I can tell his guard is starting to slip, so I keep talking.
“I’m not saying we have to be friends, but can we at least try to drop this tension? If you want this to be natural, you’re going to have to meet me halfway.”
He’s not sold. I get it. I’ve spent the last five years beating myself up over the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, so nothing Circus can say will top what I’ve already told myself.
I know exactly what he’s thinking.
“Look, I’m an asshole. Can we just spend today acting like I’m not?”
“Fine.” His long, full lips curl up at the sides. “Move over.”
“What do you …”
Oh, oh. Okay.
He shoves me across to the other side of my lounger and slides in beside me.
My brain short-circuits. His warm body presses against mine as he steers me facedown again. And there’s, like, nothing between us.
My mouth is dry as he runs a hand down my back, and I have to remind myself this is all part of the photos.
“So, need me to do anything, or …”
“Just lie there and be my prop.” His normally gravelly voice is even scratchier than usual.
But like hell am I going to argue, because for some reason being his prop sounds really fucking hot.
I have no idea what exactly he’s doing, but every time his leg slides over mine, or his chest touches my back, I have to hold in a groan.
I’m barely keeping it together when he nips my earlobe and gives my ass a solid squeeze.
“Shit.” I jolt under his touch, but pulling back so I can see his face doesn’t help solve my problem.
He’s watching me steadily, clearly challenging me to leave.
Yeah, I’m not gonna do that.
With all my usual warning sensors in overdrive, I loop an arm around his waist and drag him closer. “You wanted sexy.”
I pull Circus’s leg over my hip and bury my face in his neck. Because how else am I supposed to hide my face?
And dear God. He feels incredible. All warm tight muscles and sharp jawline. I can’t ever remember letting myself get this close to a man, and it’s probably a good thing, because I can already tell how easy it would be to become addicted. To let go.
And I’ve been so good.
In my whole life I’ve only slipped a handful of times, but damn Circus makes me want to slip. To take everything that could have been mine and more.
Somehow, I behave.
Even when we get changed into proper swimsuits and he lays me back down, I manage to keep my hands to myself.
There’s very little talking, and I can’t tell if that’s making the situation better or worse.
Circus slides across my body, resting his head on my chest, and I glance down under the hat resting over my face and watch his eyes fall closed.
He looks so peaceful.
So gorgeous.
I run my hand over his back, and suddenly, I really need this to end.
“Okay, that’s enough pictures of us dry humping.”
He slowly sits back up as I toss the hat aside. “Why? You’re clearly enjoying it.” Then he very obviously glances at the erection straining against my swimsuit.
I know what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to make me uncomfortable. And I am. More than I should be. Because as much as I want to embrace who I am, that voice in my head, telling me I’m wrong, is getting loud.
Even though it’s making me feel sick, I ignore it and tuck my hands behind my head instead. “I thought we worked out years ago that this was my standard reaction to you.”
“Yeah, well, a lot has changed since then.”
“Are you dating anyone?”
“We’re working.”
“I’ll take that as a no.” I grin. “In which case, what’s a few boners amongst colleagues?”
“Inappropriate?”
“Eh. If you didn’t want it to happen, you wouldn’t have grinded up all over me. I’m repressed as fuck, what did you expect?”
Circus gives me a weird look, then gets up and throws a pair of board shorts my way. We both change, with my dying to take a peek, and then he grabs some camera equipment and gestures for me to follow.
I still can’t get over how enormous his house is. If I could dream up a mansion in the woods … well, okay, it wouldn’t have been this because I don’t have the imagination, but wow.
“I can’t believe you have this place all to yourself and I’m back in my childhood bedroom.”
“Yeah, it must suck to be surrounded by your family.”
I cringe at his words, wishing I could take everything back. While my biggest regret sits solidly with what I did to him, a very close second is not being there for him when his parents died. I know how close they all were because Mr. and Mrs. Atkins were gold-star parents.
I’m sure they knew about me. I’m sure they knew how I felt about Circus.
And I’d even put money down that when they saw his face and realized I’d ditched town, they would have known exactly what happened there too.
It makes me feel sick.
I want to give him a hug.
I don’t, but I want to.
“When did you build this place?”
“After I lost my parents in that crash.”
“What was the inspiration?”
He sets off across the lawn. “Big.”
“Wow, that’s deep.”
His lips twitch. “Come on, down here.”
I follow him down the gentle slope and through a thin line of trees to a creek. “What are we doing?”
“These photos are going to be more candid, natural ones. Just get in the water and do whatever. Try and keep your back to the camera where you can.”
Shouldn’t be a problem. Circus sets up the camera on a tripod, then takes some time to adjust settings or whatever he’s working on. None of it makes any sense to me.
I just look around and try to take in nature.
It’s not often I’m surrounded by this much quiet. Sunbury is a sleepy kinda town, but my house decidedly is not. Out here, I can hear myself think.
I guess I understand why Circus built his place out here.
The soft lap of waves against skin lets me know Circus has waded into the water behind me. I glance at him over my shoulder, trying to calm my racing heart. His board shorts barely cover his ass, and they’re in a bright tropical print, like most of the clothes he seems to wear these days.
When he gets close enough, I reach out and tug the chain dangling from his ear. “I like this.”
“Oh yeah?”
He turns his head to look across the creek and smiles wide. It takes me a moment to realize he’s posing for a shot, and I hurry to do the same. Then I decide to have fun with it.
I send a gush of water his way, then quickly dart back as he retaliates. He holds up a hand. “This is fine, but hair and makeup, remember?”
“Nothing above the shoulders.” I wink. “Got it.”
And even if it’s all for some photos, Circus lets himself have fun. His smile, the way his eyes light up, the way the sun slipping between the leaves plays over his skin, all make it impossible to look away.
I use every opportunity I can to get my hands on him.
And I give myself free rein to enjoy this for the day.
As he takes up a pose, holding on to my arm, I catch him around the waist and throw him over my shoulder instead. His skin smells like water and sunshine, and I wonder again what he tastes like.
It’s lucky we’re only doing this once because I’m quickly becoming as addicted to him as I used to be.
And I can’t let that happen.
I slowly set Circus down, loving the feel of his torso brushing mine, but even when his feet are on the creek bed, I can’t let him go.
My gaze settles on his nose, where I notice a bump about halfway. There’s my proof, then. The permanent reminder of what I did slices through my heart.
I lean down and press my lips to it.
Circus’s eyes fall closed for a moment, and I allow myself the briefest hope that maybe we can be okay. Maybe I can make up for what I did and we can move on.
I have no idea what I want us to move on to when I know I can’t stay in Sunbury long term. Not unless I either want to be disowned or settle down with a woman. And I’ve already discovered I can’t go through with that ploy.
Circus jerks back out of my arms. “I think we’re done.”
“Really? That’s … it?” Why am I disappointed when I should be relieved?
“Yep. I can do the editing stuff solo. Thanks for your help.”
He’s already out of the water and pulling down the tripod by the time I reach him.
“You okay?”
“Perfect. I have my pictures, and as soon as the money is in my account, I’ll send over your share.”
“But …”
“But what? I pretended like you aren’t an asshole for a day, and now I accept your apology. You can move on.” He throws the tripod over his shoulder as he starts to walk away. “And remember to do that far away from Sunbury.”