Chapter 14
Rowan
Waking up and finding Circus standing in his kitchen, wearing only a pair of sleep shorts, is too much for my tired gay brain.
I want to touch him. I want to tell him how I can’t stop thinking about him.
I want to be the kind of guy who can offer him what he needs and prove to him that being with me is worth it.
To give him the big family he wants.
Pity none of that will happen.
I mumble out a good morning and then go in search of coffee. Morning me not think good. Need caffeine, stat.
Because at this point, I’m not convinced I’m done freaking out over last night.
I can probably count on two hands—maybe even one—the number of times I’ve had my dick sucked by a guy. And that’s literally the entire range of my gay experience.
For a reason.
Every time I visited one of those clubs, hell, even the time with Circus, the high would last just long enough for me to drain my balls, and then the judgment would kick in. The massive crash of holy-shit-what-have-I-done takes over, and I run as fast and hard as I can.
Last night, there was no running.
Somehow Circus knew that what I needed wasn’t space, it was to face him after what we’d done.
And now that’s making me really uncomfortable. Because more than just getting off listening to the sound of his voice, last night felt … right. We felt close.
Because Circus knows me the way literally no one else on earth does.
“What are your plans today?” he asks, and I can feel the way he’s watching me. I’m not sure if he’s waiting for the panic to kick back in, but I’m holding it together for now.
“Leita’s having us over for lunch. They’ll grill some burgers and try to set me up with whoever’s currently single.”
“Ouch.”
He has no idea.
“Think you’re up for a boyfriendly photo?”
Honestly? No. Just that word is kick-starting my heart into a rhythm it’s not used to. But there’s a deeper base need to get close to him that’s difficult to ignore. Even as I tell myself it’s wrong, even as I tell myself I’m being weak, I answer, “Sure.”
Circus leads me over to the window overlooking the valley and wraps one arm around my front. He pulls me in until he’s looking over my shoulder, out at the view. “Hug me like you mean it.”
I have no idea what that looks like, but I close my eyes and wrap my arm around him tight. And there, tucked into my side, he feels like a gift. The voices quiet a little, and I use the brief reprieve to enjoy the feel of his body against mine.
“Perfect.”
Circus tries to step away, but I don’t let go. And when he turns his head to look up at me, it makes me smile to see his expression so unguarded.
“Come with me today?”
“What?” But he knows what I’m asking. His nervous laugh gives him away.
“To lunch. You used to eat at my place plenty growing up, so it’s not like it will be weird. They’ll just assume we’re friends again. Then you can intercept all the women they’re planning to throw my way.”
“Like a reverse wingman?”
“Exactly.” I squeeze my arm around him a bit tighter and let my other hand run over his back. My breathing won’t work properly, but who needs oxygen at a time like this?
“I used to hate being at your place. Your family knew I wasn’t straight, I could feel it.”
“They didn’t know anything.”
He finally steps back out of my hold. “They knew. And they all definitely know now, because my dating history isn’t a secret.”
When he puts it like that … just bringing him could open up all those questions about my sexuality I’ve been actively avoiding for so long. I’ll deny it, obviously, because having a queer friend doesn’t automatically mean I’m gay. Especially since Circus and I go way back.
And maybe … maybe having them start to ask the questions themselves might mean that if I ever do come out it won’t be a total shock.
Then again, I’m not sure that will make much difference either way.
I wonder what it would be like to be openly gay. And have a supportive family. And to be able to wake up with a man in my bed and not have it trigger a panic attack.
“If it’d be too awkward for you, that’s fine.”
“Oh, it’ll definitely be awkward. And not just for me, because if they ask, I’ll tell them I’ve fucked men.”
“To be fair, I don’t think anyone’s going to be asking you that question.”
“Eh, seems likely.”
My knee bounces. “So is that a yes?”
Instead of answering, Circus takes my hand and makes me follow him. It’s not until we get to his bedroom door that I start to feel uneasy, and as he leads me to the bed, my whole brain is screaming abort.
I keep following.
Then Circus hands me a Magic 8-Ball. “Ask that. If it says yes, then I’ll go.”
“Is this a joke?”
“Nope. It’s how I make all my important decisions.”
I screw up my eyebrows as I eye him.
“For real. It’s literally the reason you’re here.”
“And there was me thinking it had to do with my winning personality.”
I give the ball a good shake, then hold my breath.
My sources say no.
Well, fuck. It was probably a stupid idea to begin with.
Circus covers the little window with his hand. “Maybe it only works for me.” He takes the ball and gives it a good shake. “Should I go to the barbecue today?”
We wait.
Most likely.
“Well,” he says. “That’s good enough for me.”
I love Sunbury and the sense of community it brings when everyone is together. For a family lunch, there are a lot of extra people here, and I’m undoubtedly happy I invited Circus to come with me.
Because as soon as I reach the backyard, Leita starts introducing me to all her single friends.
It’s a game I know well. I’ve done the equivalent of sneaking into Sunbury a few times over the past five years to attend birthday parties and holidays, and I’m always put on the same rotation.
Rowan, dance for the ladies.
I’m like a trained monkey.
But this time, Circus is there to field any questions that are too personal, by asking about their lives or turning it back on them. For someone people don’t seem to know much about, he sure knows a lot about others.
By the time the next person arrives, they’ve forgotten all about me.
“Okay, it’s official, you’re my permanent reverse wingman for all of these events.”
“Aww, but you didn’t say please.”
“Because I wasn’t asking.”
“Geez, one orgasm and he thinks he can control me.”
My eyes fly wide, and I quickly look around to see if anyone’s listening in.
“Relax, no one’s around.”
That assurance doesn’t stop me from checking for myself. The last thing I need is to be outed at a party surrounded by family. I have a very real concern that if they ever find out, all I’m doing with Circus to stay in Sunbury will be for nothing.
Everything is linked to my family.
My friends, my job, where I live. I’m reliant on them in too many ways.
Levi goes darting past with one of the neighbors’ kids, and it makes me smile, the way they can be so involved in their little games and have no worries about the rest of us. I’ll bet they have no idea what expectations are.
“You’re thinking pretty hard over there.”
I sigh. “I don’t know how I’ll ever willingly give all this up.”
“Yeah,” Circus says, voice more gravelly than usual. “It’s pretty great. But …”
“I know what you’re going to say.” Pointing out that conditional acceptance isn’t what makes a family doesn’t get me anywhere though.
He pins me with those deep gray eyes, and I can’t look away. “I was going to say you have me now. And my friends. I know Tanner already likes you, and Royce barely likes anyone, but Jules and Mitch love everyone. Dahlia thinks you’re hot”—he winks—“and Leon understands.”
“Leon hates me.” I laugh, thinking of the other night. “Actually, is he in love with you or something? Because he was giving off serious vibes.”
Circus snorts. Loudly. “Definitely fucking not. I’m not his type, and he’s not mine. Normally Leon doesn’t give a shit what I do with my life, but he knows our history, and he saw the crush I had on you back then. He doesn’t want me making the same mistakes.”
Well, that’s a relief. “I don’t know.” I shake my head. “They’re your friends, Circus.” I know them all because in Sunbury you basically know everyone by extension, but since they were the year below me, we didn’t cross paths much.
Whereas Circus and I were drawn to each other. I couldn’t have escaped his pull if I tried. And it’s happening again.
“All I’m saying is meet us at the bar tomorrow night. Hang out and relax. Be yourself. See two men being openly affectionate, and if you choose to let them know you’re gay, none of them will say anything. We have each other’s back always.”
Inviting Circus to a family lunch. Hanging out with openly queer men who I know my family are leery of. It’s like I’m determined to put a sign over my head saying Gay as fuck.
“Can I think about it?”
“Of course.”
“Thanks.”
Movement makes my gaze stray from Circus to my grandpa coming out of the house. He’s carrying a salad that he plonks on the table, before heading in our direction.
I immediately stiffen. When he wears that pinched look, it’s like I’m five years old again and he’s just busted me wearing Mom’s high heels.
“Rowan,” he says, but he’s staring hard at Circus. “And Kelly Atkins.”
I jerk at the name, forgetting he always insisted on calling Circus by his real name. Instead of getting pissed like when I did it, Circus slides his hands in the pockets of his floral-print shorts and rocks back on his heels.
“Old man Harvey.”
“Listen, boy, we don’t want any trouble.”
Circus lets out a long breath. “Well, thank goodness for that. Trouble seems like way too much energy for this time in the day. If you’d requested it, I would have had to decline.”
“I don’t know what you’re thinking, Rowan, bringing his kind around.”
My throat feels thick and sticky, and I want to tell him to back off, but I can’t.
“And what kind are you referring to?” Circus has lost the friendly tone now.
Grandpa bares his teeth like a dog exposing its hackles. “Homosexuals.”
Circus gasps and pretends to look around. “There are homosexuals here?”
“Boy lovers.” He’s not bothering to keep his voice down now. “Like you.”
“Oh, you’ve got it all wrong.” At first, I actually think Circus is going to deny it. “I’m just a run-of-the-mill pansexual.”
“Pan … what?”
“It means I love cooking instruments. I just can’t get enough.”
Circus isn’t keeping his voice down either, and I’m torn in that place between laughing and crying, and I’m worried I might start to do both. At the same time.
“You brought him to a family event.” Grandpa turns to me. “There are children here.”
“Gramps, that’s enough.” Leita marches up to us, and she looks fierce. “This conversation is ending right now.” She points a pair of salad tongs at Grandpa. “Go sit down and behave yourself, and stop making my guests uncomfortable. And you two, stop encouraging it. Other end of the yard, now.”
“It’s okay, Leita,” Circus says. “I’m going to head off. Your grandpa says there’s homosexuals around, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing food with one. They’re not house-trained, you know.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she snaps.
“I’ll catch yas.” He turns and heads for the house.
“No.” The word leaves my mouth before I know what I’m saying. All I know is I want him here. Not as a wingman or a fake boyfriend. Just … him. But I’m not Leita, and when I want to find my voice and speak out, it seems it’s deserted me under the force of three stares. “I’ll walk you out.”
He looks disappointed, but it’s nothing on how disgusted I am with myself.
And maybe it’s the disgust that makes me say it, or something way deeper and tired, but as I pass Mom heading into the house, I turn to her and snap, “You couldn’t do anything to shut him up?”
And look at me, throwing stones.
Because we’re all just as spineless as each other.
“I’m so sorry,” I finally say when we’re alone.
“Yeah, I know.” But he sounds bored, like it’s too much of the same story for him.
I quickly glance over my shoulder and step closer. “I should have done better, I know that. But … I just couldn’t make myself speak.”
His fingers brush over mine, and he finally meets my eyes. “Come with me.”
“Circus, I …” Want to. I want to so badly. Just leave the house and go hang out and deal with the consequences later. But I never could do it as a kid, and apparently, not much has changed. “I can’t.”
His fingers drop from mine, and he opens the door, walking out onto the porch. He looks back over his shoulder. “Last chance.”
I don’t say sorry, because it’s not enough.
I close the door and return to the people who claim they love me.
But it couldn’t be further from the truth.