Chapter 18
Rowan
Iguess I know how Batman feels.
Leading a secret life is exciting as balls, and with every day getting us closer to our LA trip, I’m getting pumped.
The whole social media thing isn’t a huge buzz for me the way it is for Circus, but I’m starting to understand why that is. The influx of messages and comments are super positive—it’s like having an extended family.
That would be pretty hard to resist for someone with no family at all.
It’s beginning to feel like, more than ever, I’m being torn in two directions.
The person I am posts photos and has fun with Circus and goes out to drinks with his friends. Tanner and Royce got the keys to their house, so I’ve stopped around to help them with some demolition, and Leon even talks to me when he comes into the diner for coffee before starting his long days.
The person I’m supposed to be works at the diner and helps Grandma in the kitchen and watches football with Grandpa. I keep my mouth shut and my head down, and try to ignore that voice that keeps telling me I’m being deceitful to everyone.
Well, everyone except Circus.
He’s the only one who actually knows what I’m going through and is there for me anyway. And even though I shouldn’t, even though I have next to nothing to offer him, I’m falling for him all over again.
Except this time, it’s not some high school fascination. It’s not awe or idolization. I look at him and feel warm inside. I look at him and can imagine coming out and telling people who I am and not hiding anymore.
But then the voice reminds me it’s impossible.
I sit with my family during Sunday mass, letting my thoughts drift back to the day before.
Circus drove us out to a water hole that I didn’t know existed.
It was in the middle of the forest and looked like someone had cut a perfect hole into the ground and filled it with crystal clear water.
We spent hours just goofing off and hanging out before he even remembered we were supposed to be taking photos.
It was nice. It gave me just a little insight into how having a boyfriend might be.
Well, sort of. I can’t imagine anyone coming close to matching Circus.
His friend Jules starts to play a hymn on the piano at the front of the church, and the people around me start to sing.
I don’t join in, even though I know every word, because how can I sing about a great and powerful God who loves everyone, when in the priest’s next breath, he makes it clear God doesn’t love me?
I refuse to believe it though. I might have struggled with my sexuality, but I’ve never struggled with my faith. Because when I imagine God, I imagine a different entity to the one the churches force on me.
I look around the room, noting the lack of familiar faces. No Circus—he told me he stopped coming after his parents died—no Tanner and Royce or Dahlia or Leon. Jules’s boyfriend is down the front along with Rafe and Laura, who Circus used to hang out with in school.
And if Tanner and Royce and Leon can fall in love with men and not attend church, yet all be leading happy, healthy lives … Why can’t I?
Why can’t I?
A weight transfers off my shoulders and sinks into my gut as I stand up midsong …
Ignore the confused glances …
And walk out.
I head to the diner and open up early. My family is already going to be angry that I walked out on Sunday mass, so this can be my penance.
No sooner have I unlocked the doors—a whole hour early—than Leon sticks his head inside.
“I thought you guys were closed Sunday morning?”
“Usually are.”
He pushes inside and pulls up a stool at the counter. His eyes have dark smudges underneath them, and his graying hair is a mess.
“Long night?” I can barely make out his grin behind his beard.
“Oh yeah. I have a few bruises to prove it.”
“Say what now?”
He laughs and glances around. “Once you go gay, you’ll understand.”
“At this stage that feels like it will never happen.”
“That’s too bad. If I had to miss out on sex, I’d go nuts.”
“I’m already halfway there.”
“Not surprised.” He watches me. “Especially with all those photos you’ve been taking with Circus. I’d find it impossible to keep my hands to myself after taking hot photos with the guy I’m into.”
“What makes you think I’m into him?”
Leon laughs. “You two are like magnets. No point trying to deny it, I’m not an idiot. Can you put a black coffee on for me, please? I haven’t had a minute’s sleep, and I need to head over to Port Welling before starting work on my place.”
I start his coffee. “Are you doing up your house as well?”
“I am. There’s a lot of old houses around here that need a bit of loving.”
“That’s true. My grandparents’ place was getting old by the time we moved them out of there.”
“Well, now’s a good time to buy if you’re sticking around.
There have been a few people driving up on the weekends, looking at land.
The bigger Portland gets, the more it pushes people out.
And Sunbury is a good distance for a quiet life but big-city money.
Plus once the shopping complex I’ve been contracted for gets built over at Port Welling, there’ll be even more people sniffing around. ”
I hand Leon his coffee. “Yeah, but it’ll mean we need more businesses around here to make the place more attractive.”
He grunts and takes a sip of the steaming drink. “Like a gym. It’s a pain in the ass driving over to Port Welling every time I want to work out.”
“A gym.” I rub my chin. “You think there’s enough interest for that?”
“I think people around here would kill for it.”
Well, Leita and her mom’s group are always heading over to Port Welling too. It sets the gears in my head in motion.
“I have to admit, I’ve missed working out too. And I’ve been looking for a way to get out of this diner … maybe I should open a gym?”
Surprise flickers across his features. “That would mean … you’re sticking around?”
“Yeah. Circus and I made a deal that if I help out and play fake boyfriend, Circus forgets about trying to get me to leave.”
“Interesting.” Leon doesn’t look happy.
“What’s that face for?”
“Real talk. I told Circus I would back off you and let him do whatever he needed to because you were leaving. If you guys needed to fuck and move on, then fine. But I knew that sooner or later, you’d be out of town.”
My brain is still stuck on fuck. I shake my head. “Remind me what any of that has to do with you?”
“Circus is my best friend, and I don’t want to see him get hurt again.
You have no idea what it was like after …
you know. Even after what you did, he wouldn’t say a bad word about you.
He refused to report it and told me I didn’t understand.
I know now what he was talking about with the whole homophobic family thing, but that still doesn’t make it okay. ”
“I know that. And like I told him, I’ll probably never forgive myself. But that doesn’t mean I need you throwing it back in my face every time I see you.”
“And I’m not trying to.” He sets his cup down.
“I want him to be happy. If you can do that, fine, stick around, date, whatever you need to do. But if you can’t make him happy—and if you’re never planning to come out, that would be a no—you’ve got to tell him that.
Leave him alone, stop playing happy families, and both of you can move on. ”
I know Leon is talking sense and that he has Circus’s best interests in mind. I know he’s looking out for his friend and this is him being kind and whatever else, but …
“I’m not saying this to be a dick, but you have to let me work that out in my own time.”
“But—”
“Nope. Sorry, Leon. I know what you’re saying and why, but at the end of the day, people don’t go out of their way to hurt the people they care about.
And I care about him a lot. I’ll never, ever hurt him physically again, there’s no doubt there, but when it comes to anything else …
” I wipe over the grinds I left on the counter after making his coffee, trying to sort through what I’m saying.
“It’s complicated. I know what I want, but it’s so hard to let myself go for it when I’m constantly second-guessing everything. ”
He looks awkward as he spins his saucer around once, twice, before looking up at me. “You care about him?”
“God, Leon. So much.”
“Do you know what today is?”