Chapter 25
Circus
Ibasically have a boyfriend.
And I say basically because we haven’t discussed anything official and probably never will, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that no one but Rowan will do.
I want him for holidays.
I want him in my bed at night.
I want him in my photos online and in my house when it gets too quiet.
I want him to fill my afternoons and start my mornings.
I just want … him.
Which makes me a gigantic idiot.
Maybe I should be called “jester” instead because my life is one big joke.
Sorry, Mom and Dad. I’ve given up who I am for a man.
The whole way back to Sunbury is a dream. Just me and him, stopping and driving and fucking whenever we want. It’s incredible, and I can’t help picture life like this always.
Fun through the day, and him making love to me at night.
And that’s exactly what he does.
I’ve been fucked before. I’ve fucked others before. I have never made love, but Rowan shows me why it’s called that, even if we’ve never said the word.
The passion and care and burst of emotion he sets off every time is my new weakness.
We drop the rental car in Portland, and Leon picks us up for the rest of the drive home.
It’s late afternoon before we arrive back in Sunbury and drop Rowan at his parents’ place. I want to kiss him goodbye but know it isn’t possible, and I can tell by the look he gives me that he feels the same.
He brushes his thumb over my cheek, grabs his bags, and leaves.
I let out a long breath as Leon pulls away from his house.
“You okay?”
“No …” I turn to him, and I’m sure I must look pitiful. “I’m in love.”
Leon starts to laugh. “Goddamn, Circus …”
“I know.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“I know.”
Leon steers the truck down O’Connell Road, heading toward my place. “So what are you planning on doing about it?”
I scratch my ear. “He, umm … He’s planning on opening a gym. And moving out to his own place, then—and I know this is dumb—but then when he finds someone, he thinks he can tell his parents he’s got a roommate …” I trail off at the look on Leon’s face.
“For the love of God, please tell me you’re not going to offer to be that roommate.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do? He won’t come out. I want to be with him. This gives me a way.”
“Nope.” Leon shakes his head. “Because his family aren’t idiots. Bigots, yes. Idiots, no. If you do this, they’ll work it out eventually, and how will you feel if he’s forced to come out because of you? How will he feel if his family abandon him because of you?”
I hate it when Leon’s right.
“You have any thoughts?”
“I do, but they’re way too logical for where you’re at right now.”
“Okay, then what are your thoughts for how I can make this happen?”
Leon starts to laugh. “I have zero clue. If he won’t come out … I don’t know. Do the roommates thing if you want, but don’t be surprised when you’re in a mess that can’t be fixed.”
My best friend, lords and lads.
He drops me off, and I walk inside my large, empty house.
I don’t know what I was thinking. All this space with no one to share it with? I’m a headcase.
And I hate to say it, but I think I do need to speak with someone.
Rowan wouldn’t have made the massive improvements he has if it wasn’t for admitting he needed help.
I mean yeah, probably not the right kind of help, but he got there in the end.
I pace through to my living room and try to imagine the high ceilings hung with garlands of holly. An enormous Christmas tree in front of the windows and the smell of pine needles and hot cocoa filling the room.
For the first time since I started thinking about a family of my own, I finally have a face I can picture here with me.
I might not have wanted to end up here with Rowan, but I’m in it now. No point whining and doing the denial thing because trying to keep my distance will only hurt us both. And hurting Rowan is the last thing I want.
So if I can’t turn these feelings off, and I’m not going to walk away, I have to find a way to make this work.
Because Leon’s right, roommates isn’t an option.
Think that will stop me though?
The idea of having Thanksgiving here, just the two of us, fills me with so much need it’s probably unhealthy to attribute it to one person. Then I imagine the table full of food and all my friends around it, and I can see it so clearly, I’m desperate for it to happen.
So. Plan.
My office is a small room off the studio, and I only use it for conference calls or to do my taxes. Other than the extra bedrooms, it’s maybe the least used room in the house.
There are three things I need to work out.
First, Rowan wants to start a gym.
Second, he needs out of that house.
And third, what can I contribute?
Now we’ve done those jobs he doesn’t need money. He could buy a small apartment in town easily. But …
I also have a lot of rooms.
My common sense is screaming at me to put that thought back in its box, but would it be that unbelievable if I asked him?
He could put the money he has into his business.
There’s so much extra space here, and if I get what I want, he’ll be here with me most of the time anyway.
Still, it’s a lot to put on such a new relationship.
Especially when we’re going to have enough to face as it is.
I shake my head. Okay, first point. The gym.
I have a storefront I lease from a man on O’Connell Road that would be a convenient option.
With that kind of prime real estate, it wouldn’t take much to get the word out.
And with the Summer Nights Festival less than a month away, it would be a good time to launch.
But … that means nowhere to display my pictures like I normally do at the festivals.
I would have liked to include some of Rowan this year.
That said, it’s not like I need the money, and I can probably just bite the bullet and set up an online store like I’ve been thinking of doing for a while now. It’s always been my way of getting into the town spirit.
Now, maybe I can do that by helping Rowan.
I spend the afternoon working out how much the equipment and rent and insurances will cost. There’s a lot more that goes into a business beyond throwing up some pretty pictures, and I research it all.
Maybe the shock of being home will remind Rowan why he’s always kept his distance from men. Maybe Leita will successfully get him involved with one of her single friends, who he can hide behind until he’s an old man.
Or maybe we’ll find a way to make this work so we both get what we want.
I don’t even know.
But if I keep pretending like everything is fine, I’ll will it into existence.
Right?
Right.
I’ve got this all under control.
So long as I ignore the closeted aspect.
And the uncertainty.
And that lingering voice in Rowan’s head that’s determined to sabotage everything for him.
Not to mention my truckload of issues.
I pull a face at my computer screen as I lean back in my chair.
Yep.
Everything.
Is.
Fine.